My journal: Lessons About Anger

[Guest guest]

Just yesterday I was patting myself on my back about how peaceful and serene I feel these days, how filled with joy. And BAM! today, my dream is shattered - my old monster Anger came back to visit. The thing that bothers me the most is not anger coming back, but that I still don't know how to handle it, how out of control I get, how totally I identify with it, with my ego. I know it's over now, it's in the past, there's nothing that guilt can do to help, but it is there anyway. The incident is over, but my mental torture about it is still going on - all because the mind wants to keep rewinding it and replaying it and feel guilty about it - it's a vicious cycle.

 

Akhil is 11. His job is to torture his Mom, more or less. He was sent to teach me two things - getting over my anger, and connecting and healing with love. He's doing his job very well, too well sometimes, like today. But am I learning my lessons? After all this time of recognizing the lessons, being in this same class, repeating it over and over, I'm still flunking miserably.

 

I'm repeating so many times that I learned one thing - it's not Akhil that I'm angry with - it's with myself. He is just a reflection of me - if I argue, he argues; if I yell, he yells; if I scream, he screams; if I get angry, he gets angry; I project, he reflects - he's just a mirror. The mirror is not broken, so no need to talk about fixing it. It's the projector - myself - that needs to be fixed. I'd like to try if I project love, will he reflect love? If I project peace, will he reflect peace? When he grows up and recognizes his own projections, will he show peace and love? That's probably my job to make sure he learns that. And so far, I'm not sure I'm doing my job well.

 

I've been praying for some direction to my problem, and I'm so grateful to Swami for always, always listening. I got a message from a Byron Katie book - "To look forward to it!" Tha'ts a radical way of dealing with my anger. Why would I look forward to it? She says if I'm fully embracing all of my mind and life without fear, being open to the reality, I will start noticing that the uncomfortable, guilty feelings are merely reminders that I need to work on myself. Then I can look forward to these feelings as a gift that can bring me realization. From where I am now, it seems a long way to self realization, but that's the reality of my life, and I must learn to welcome these lessons, and continue to learn from them. For today, what I learned is that they're steps on my path. And I hope I am going forward.

 

Sai Ram and Thank you for reading,

sai_sravanthi_999