My journal: a sweet remembrance on a sleepless night...Simona

[Guest guest]

Speaking about those nights...with all I went through sure many doubts entered

my mind...all kind of questions...speaking about limited mind...but there are some

messages that keep coming to me from Baba and some are confusing...then I hear a

voice which is not a voice of anyone but just an answer in my head...then I get into

people talking ill about Baba like why if he is so holy has a Mercedes car and other

things like that...then a miracle comes up...then my stomach hurts all day...I call

Baba and still in pain...then, another miracle and the pain is gone...up and down...

then I remember Baba's words...then, I meditate and I see Jesus face so close to me

that I could see the pores on his face...a few days ago I was blessed with another holy

vision of Jesus...he was dressed in white and had a white hood on his head...Baba did not

come in my dream and vision for some time...I asked him to come and give me a

specific message that only he knows how to help me understand...I feel that Swami

wants me to see him as energy flow in everyone around me...then, it comes my question

of how to stay connected with him...the form keeps coming to me...then, I get a picture

of him from someone online and he looks so old...and I ask him if he really feels old because

I think it is an illusion..he has no age...this mind plays so many tricks to us...I helped my daughter

meaning I checked her essey for school...I did read a lot today and I got neck pain...my husband just

finished to massage my neck...and I came to read your message...ready to go meditate...thank you

for your wonderful email...love you...sai ram,simona

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sai Sravanthi <sai_sravanthi_999

Sun, Apr 11, 2010 8:14 pm

[saibabanews] My journal: a sweet remembrance on a sleepless night

 

 

 

 

 

I had a sleepless night last night. I went to bed as usual, fell asleep, and then woke up at midnight. I haven't woken up like this in the past couple of years. I remember those days in the past when I couldn't sleep, or I'd wake up abruptly and call Ma or Prathima [my sister] to talk to them - anything to avoid being alone with my own thoughts. Those were miserable times, but they were there for me - to listen, to sympathize, to console. I don't know how they didn't get annoyed, but they were very sweet and patient.

 

I don't know what woke me last night, but try as I did, I couldn't fall back asleep, even though there was nothing bothering me at all. Eventually I gave up trying and read a book instead - that usually helps, but not last night. After a while I abandoned the book as well, sat up, closed my eyes and started thinking of Swami. And the thinking turned into pining - I longed, craved, cried for His touch. I imagined He was sitting in front of me in a chair, with His feet in my lap. How I long to massage those lotus petal like feet! I imagined caressing His cheeks, tugging at His earlobes, touching the corner of His smile.

 

I've had a few Padnamaskars of Swami in my life, but I don't remember them now. What I remember is the one time during an interview, He had asked me a question. Mad had prepped me earlier to say "Whatever You want, Swami". But when He asked, "What do you want?" I couldn't, for the life of me, get the pre-practiced words out. All I could get out was - "You Swami", and that too was a whisper. He couldn't (or pretended He couldn't) hear me and came closer and said "Huh?". He was so close that His hair was brushing my face, His eyes piercing into mine. I was so sky high, trembling, that I got even more tongue-tied. I vaguely remember that I repeated the same thing, "You Swami". I don't know what He made of it, but He moved on with the rest of the interview. The whole incident probably lasted a few seconds, but after all these years, I still shiver like a leaf when I think and remember that simple, single moment.

 

I consoled myself last night thinking that even though I'm thousands of miles away from His physical form, He's still so close in my thoughts. How I wish He was mine! And then He would come to me whenever I called for Him. But then I corrected myself - He is not mine, He is everybody's. He is the Lord of the universe! The universe belongs to Him. Everybody belongs to Him. I belong to Him. Now that's a consolation - that I am His, forever.

 

Sai Ram and love,

sai_sravanthi_999