My journal: To 'do' or not to 'do'? What to do?

February 10, 2009

The laws of karma are so complicated, I gave up trying to live by them. From the time I was 2, and could understand and relate to what was going on around me, I was taught that good comes back as good, and bad comes back to bite. Good deeds lead me to heaven, bad deeds lead me to hell. What you give is what you get. As you sow, so shall you reap.

But who knows what’s good and bad? It was easier when I was a child – the adults who raised me told me. Helping others, being kind, speaking the truth are good; hurting others, being unkind, lying, and cheating are bad. Easy. But is it really? Are good and bad as clearly defined as black and white? There’s a lot of grey in my daily life. There is truth that can hurt others, and lying can sometimes be kinder.

As I grew older, I’ve been taught to listen to my inner voice, my intuition. But it’s so subtle sometimes, that my much stronger mind takes over and clobbers out my intuition to a point where it seems like what my mind says is coming from my intuition. Sneaky one, that mind of mine! And when guilt follows, or fear, that’s when I wonder if my intuition was wrong, or was it totally bulldozed over by my mind?

As I’m paying closer attention to my inner voice now, I’m learning to fine-tune my hearing. It’s like a radio station that I need to tune in to – I need to take the time to make the subtle adjustments, to help my intuition come through, strong and clear. I need to make space and quiet for it to be heard clearly. I pay closer attention to how it makes me feel – if I feel fear or guilt, then it cannot be my inner voice. It should feel right.

It’s hard to describe what “feel right” means. I just know. This knowing is God. God is knowing. The knowledge part of “Existence-Knowledge-Bliss”. Sat-Chit-Ananda. The knowing is already in me. When I wonder, or question, or doubt, this knowledge is what I reach for, this inner voice is what I try to listen to.

As I practice listening to it, there will come a time when I don’t have to stop and listen. I will be tuned into it always. I will be in alignment with that knowledge. I won’t need to wait and wonder if I’m doing right or wrong, I won’t need to question if I’m doing good or bad. It will all come naturally. Whatever I do will be right. It will feel right. That’s all I need to know. As for consequences, I won’t worry about them – I shall reap what I sow.