Anyone have this experience or insight?

[Guest guest]

Namaste Narasimhayeji,

 

A million and infinity of thanks and blessings be yours. May the fleas

of a thousand camels never invade your tent....LOL! ;0

 

I know what the indigo eye is, but this golden energy (moon/cloud)

thing is novel. Also, frustrating. There are 3 small words in Sanskrit

Guruji gave me years ago (at the time of nama diksha) which basically

translate in English to: striving, striving...someday there!

Yet sometimes I wonder if I do not sabotage myself by trying too hard?

There is no dichotomy here, really; many wonderful Buddhist adages

refer to the success of 'effortless effort " vis a vis excessive

unfocused pushing. And of course, I've a plethora of fear, don't I?

Which there is no reason for....go figure.

 

You mentioned being an ascetic. Funny, that. Too much personal

information is not important, I think, since the details only feed

into ego and the " drama of the story of lila " , yes? Somehow I must've

telegraphed a bit of info, or you're gifted to perceive much. Yes,

indeed I have the past almost 8 years been willingly/happily under

solemn vows of consecration to God & Divine Mother of

chastity/celibacy, fasting at certain times, charitable gifts and

service,always refrain from meat, etc...

I do not consider these to be restrictions. To me they represent

absolute freedom from the demands of this world!

 

Now I will share with everyone on this forum a truth that matters,

perhaps it will resonate with someone else, and offer a modicum of

comfort or encouragement.

When I was a wee child, perhaps 5 or 6 years old, I had no difficulty.

I remember that when I was infirm, I could open the top of my head and

ask pure white light to enter, flood this body and by will direct it

to the affected region. Also, when I closed my eyes and inwardly asked

myself, " Who am I in this place? If I am Gina on the outside the

body, who I am when I am not being Gina here? WHAT am I? " ....I would

suddenly be beyond the confines of this body. God's own truth, it was

just that simple.

Imagine my surprise decades later to discover many Sanskrit

meditations using these same questions to transport us and elevate our

minds/consciousness?

There were a multitude of things, as a child, that I enjoyed with ease

and facility; but being liberally dosed with " fear " as an antidote to

what they considered " incorrect ways of perceiving life and God " , I

expect that I stifled everything. I suspect also that many people who

feel drawn to rudraksha for spiritual advancement enjoyed a similar

childhood.

 

One day, 30 years later, as I was outside in deep meditation, a tidal

wash of empathic insight cascaded over me and since I had been

recently made aware that this particular man I knew was deeply in love

with me ( by directly experiencing his feelings in force), my next

thought was " God/Divine Mother love me....like THAT " and this

triggered an experience of being flooded and opened like a dam

bursting forth after being closed and under pressure for years and

years. From under my tailbone to something alive radiating above my

head (felt like a hand waving or flower in the wind)...and then.....

Ekam Sat! Divine Nectar. My new chintamani jewel (sp?).

I have no rights for pride in meditation or any other effort. Perhaps

whatever this incarnation yields me are the fruits and merits of lives

past. Does not matter; God is the sole 'doer', my only offering is

pure love. This is all I may claim. For the rest, I fling myself

wholly on Divine Compassion.

The prayers, chanting, meditation...I have no great or singular

ability that I may offer advice. I studied all religions and

metaphysics, quantum physics....so my head was stuffed with all this

'knowledge' and yet compared to direct experience, it was nothing.

In fact, I would go so far as to claim that one authentic encounter

with Divine Presence opens the door for making all Sacred Scripture

and Holy Writ become living words that echo within oneself..become a

vital, living truth, not mere objective erudition or intellectual facts.

It is quite like falling in love.....big, big disparity between

imagining what it must be like and actually falling in love! Fall in

genuine love once, you will redefine that word " love " , yes?

 

I blunder my pujas, I cater to illusory forms more than I'd like. In

fact, I think it is only the devotion and love (and the intents of

this) that have transported/elevated me in the past decade.

But our Triune Creator and Divine Mother are gracious above all; to a

parent, when a child offers an imperfect drawing or half-mangled

flower as a gift of love, does not the parent accept the intention and

love, and respond with gracious oversight as to the thing itself?

So I believe it is with us.

I truly do not believe there is anything we can offer more precious

nor more important than the love and intention/desire to adore and

worship.

Nor can I see anything but the common thread of Truth in all

Scriptures, of every culture.

And yet.....why does Sanskrit contain such an alluring appeal and

comfort? Perhaps it does not matter. Nothing real can ever be

threatened or altered, and nothing unreal exists. Ha ha...when I can

incorporate this and own it, I will have taken another step.

Until then, I suppose I must surrender the fruits of my puny efforts

and carry on, yes?

 

I expect there is no more limiting state of mind than fear, and this

we cannot dissolve on our own. But we've been given/gifted such

wonderful tools like rudraksha and companions on our journey that it

behooves us to utilize all.

 

I am blest with 11-mukhi and a 15 mukhi and often I feel the need to

be close to the 8-mukhi. ( The higher mukhi, even the 11, frequently

give me moments of vertigo...which triggers that latent fear and then

I retreat!).

Can you recommend a rudraksha whose energies assist in dissolving this

illusion of fear? I can feel Divine Presence all the time so

close.....within and without. Is there anything I desire more? Not

after the Pure Bliss I know is one nanosecond beyond my reach.

 

The Sages of yore composed many poetic verses to describe, but I can

find no word in any language to approach what transcendence is akin to

or feels like, exactly. And I reiterate that it is NOT any of my own

work that merits these moments. For weeks afterward I staggered about

in a silent state, intoxicated by the event and barely able to

function. I had to touch everything in the environment around me, like

a child! I mean, I thought I already knew what a leaf or tree or

flower or another person was, but nope.....! A flower in my hand, I

could feel it vibrating and pulsing...I tasted it! I was intimate with

everything! I was one with it, and there was no real separation, only

this Ekam Sat. Ahhhhh.....that is the true reality!

 

Since that time, I have to be careful what I touch literally.

Everything in my environment affects me (and vice versa) profoundly! I

cannot wear a watch unless it is powered by kinetic movement, nor have

base metals contact my skin. Anything other than complete cotton or

silk materail in clothing makes me feel off balance, except for the

wool cushion I retreat to!!! I began wearing sandals as humble

footwear (albeit I now know that all outward forms and symbols of

renunciation are worthless without an inward corresponding graceful

state and indifference to the external). But now I choose this

footwear because I need that open contact with Earth under me.

 

Copper and silver make me swoon and so much vertigo I cannot be

comfortable. All of my electronic/electrical items act

bizzare....directly proportional to the proximity to this body and

whatever energy I am intentionally (or unintentionally) putting into

the environment. Cell phone batteries and such either are drained

almost immediately or last for weeks! It is very disconcerting! And

when I recently had some very powerful hi-density field MRI (magnetic

resonance imaging) x-rays of my spine, all 3 of them made me off

kilter for days. A powerful thunderstorm with lightening either

energizes me or sends me into theta brain level activity. These

things are sometimes most inconvenient, too. It is funny and I do

laugh, but this life demands we have access to appliances and

communication devices!

Even other people are affected/affect me intensely. I have to monitor

my interaction with everything!

The flower I mentioned, whose essence I was one with? It is of a type

which only lives for 2-3 months, but this plant has thrived and

blossomed every week for over 6 years! Not because of anything

special about me, but it serves a symbol, a reminder of what is REAL,

within and without this body! Again, it was/is not the ME of me, it is

a residual visual aid from Divine Mother, I believe.

 

I won't even attempt to express what wondrous things happens to me

near bodies of water, or in large natural settings outdoors. Suffice

to say I cannot thrive in the confines of a large metropolis, either.

 

Noble and beloved Narasimhayeji, on second thought, I defer to your

discretion whether this missive and question ought to be posted in a

public forum. I do not wish to make any discomfort in the environment,

and the truths I share are not always tolerated.

And as I've stated previously, I prefer to observe and learn! But I am

on the quest and adventure of this lifetime's incarnation, and

everything I can intuit and KNOW in each cell of this body animated by

the voice of my soul and the whispers from Divine Wisdom (Upaguru),

tell me I am on the verge of a breakthru here. So close, and so far it

seems.

I am limiting myself with the my own fears, I can feel this. What can

you recommend for easing this transition and augmenting my efforts,

feeble as they are?

Also, I have to interject that I laughed out loud when I read your

words about 'in HInduism it means this....etc " . I see no boundaries

or forms between Hindus or others, only the One Truth and light in

all. But I recognize and pranam to the whole continent and culture of

Sister India for the ancient wisdom she has shared with humanity,

especially in these turbulent times/days...the age of Kali I think.

Many different religions have tried ardently to recruit me, they

somehow (without a word out of my mouth, I solemnly assure you) feel

I've been blest with an abundance of gifts that supercede this

temporal life ( and they wish to have access, while also dictating to

me what to believe or how to develop....I think not!).

So I resist any identification to limit, you understand? Correctly

you intuit my affinity for Divine Mother, but this is also of no

import I think. I would not wish for anyone to feel obligated to

emulate my steps --each must follow the path of their heart and soul,

and God/dess will guide each I think. ( also...don't follow me, since

I am stumbling in the dark here!! LOL)

 

I thank you for listening, and I implore you to search your knowledge

base and share with me which mukhi rudrakhsa, etc., would be most

beneficial at this stage of my development?

During and after the transformational Grand Opening years ago, I

literally feel energy entering via the left hand and flowing outward

thru the right hand. It seems that only after I start experiencing

something do I then learn about it and what it means, explained in

words. And yes, I try to be careful when I give something to another

to use both hands! It is instinctive, as is the prohibition against

pointing fingers toward people (especially if I am angry or in

distress, and even more specifically with my right hand!). I suppose

the intuitive infusion is given me when I need to know it, and the

intellect then goes exploring for reasons or purpose after???

It can be most confusing and disconcerting.

Also, as for all the 'Kundalini' energy and chakras....I cannot offer

you one reason why this can even be manifest in this body. If you knew

the damage I'd incurred to my spine previously and my inability to

sit in the proper meditation postures, you would comprehend my amazement.

Yet I link the fear and some blockages to a place directly above the

navel , too....the focal point?

 

Well, I have said what I have to say and shared more information than

you probably needed or wished to know! I go back into my contemplative

place now, leaving behind the pertinent question I asked.

 

Any and all advice is welcome. I know you're abundantly blest for all

you give so generously. For what it is worth, I extend my own light

also and warm gratitude that I have had the benefit of learning from

you and everyone on this forum.

 

Is there any significance to the fact that in my spine-treatment, I

make progress 3 steps forward and then seem to regress 2 steps? I do

wear a multi-carat purple spinel, for obvious reasons, and I am

getting frustrated also with this dance of to-and-fro healing.

 

Om Shanti Shanto Shanti

Gina