An open letter to my Sai

April 17, 2008

Dear Sai family, Writing to you always gives me a feeling that I am speaking to him through various souls that are directly connected with him. HIS simplicity, unconditional love and HIS strong bond has always made me cling to HIM like an infant who is afraid of the life ahead. There has been a drastic change in my life lately, I have yet to come to terms with the loss of my father. It was in just 45 days that I came to know him (my father) and got closer to him. Sai gave me the opportunity to spend every single day of these 45 days. My father never thought his mortal journey will end so soon, but every single day he seemed to be weaker. We spent talking days and nights, he had never been very expressive in his affection towards me. I used to lift him to make him sit by embracing him, and holding him closer brought fond memories of my childhood. He told

me that he could see his mother who died 1962 sitting next to him. She was very worried about his condition and said she did not how to help him. I came to know that one of his greatest regrets of his life was that he was in Delhi when came to know his mother was seriously ill and it took him 5 days to reach home in Kerala by which time she had been cremated. He felt he could not be there when she needed him, 46 years later he still carried this feeling. We went to 3 hospitals, when we reached the 3rd hospital he asked me to take him home, but I told him that once he gets well I promise to take him home. Though the doctors had given me hope, he never recovered, in the ICU he called out to his mother repeatedly, he was a child who was lost and in search of his mother When I was informed that his liver had failed and his kidney were failing, the doctors sought my consent for putting on an

arterial drip, I opted out (left against medical advice) and took him in a semi conscious condition back home. My sister told him in the ICU that we are going home, he lifted his hand to an imaginary person and said bye. On my way back from hospital, with him in the ambulance, I felt a feeling of peace which I cannot express in words, I was driving right behind the ambulance, I could feel his feelings, the suffocation was gone, we were free. No more needles, no more pain, only lots of love he deserved. Once he was home he was semi conscious for a couple of hours, I asked him if home was better than the hospital, he said far far better. He ended his speech by saying RamaRamaRamaRamaRama and then slipped into a coma. Someone asked me what would I do if he suffers with certain complication, I told him to pray that he does not suffer. So for 4 days we fed him through a tube in the nose and revived at least 6 times.

Finally it was a tussle between his children and his mother. We finally let him go to his mother and told him we will all join him soon. The best part is he did not suffer any pain during the illness, he had cirrhosis of the liver due to unknown reasons, his condition deteriorated faster due to a wrong diagnosis and medication ( forTB). And what more Sai let me stay with him and bond with him for ever. Sai also let me keep the promise I gave my father that I will take him home (if I had not taken that decision, he would never had come home alive). Though I have not been able to express my loss, I miss my father every day and hope that like him, after I complete all duties and obligations I too can join him and his mother. Sai, I thank you for everything you have done for me, I admit that all these days I have not remembered you and I know you understand. I also know it was you who has stood by me in these most testing moments of my

life. I remain yours forever Yours Ashok

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