On the last day of Yagna

[Guest guest]

On the Last Day of Yagna

 

OR

 

Nagumomu kanagalani naa Joy thelisi (The Joy Of Seeing Your Smiling Face)( " The One with me, in me " - Last Episode)Everytime I go to see Him, I crave for His attention. I behave as if I am uncertain of His Love for me. But what to say of His style, how to describe the inimitable way He assures me and shows me how deeply connected we two are!

He greeted me with a glowing Face, the moment I entered Kala akka's house (that was where I was put up the night before Swami's Darshan). He greeted me from the big picture that was hung on the wall in the hall. I went inside and there He presented a nice bed in an air-conditioned room ready for His child to take rest. Well, it is not surprsing that He did it for me - He knows well that I would simply sleep in the Darshan hall, if He does not give me a good night's sleep before Darshan (sometimes, even if He gives ). How would He forget those days when I used to fall on others' shoulders swinging in sleep in Sai Kulwant Hall? lol.The next day morning, I got up early and reached the place of Yagna. From around 20 days before, His major teaching to me had been to realize that He is in my heart. All the experiences I had during those few days, unequivocally reflected this message - "

Sai is the resident of your heart " . And even I could see what I wanted then. In Swami's physical presence, I do not have to fight against the six inner

enemies - I would naturally be in Ananda. And I really wanted to have the same

ease and comfort with controlling my mind wherever I am. And so I was asking Him this - " Make me aware of Your presence with me,

in me...in my heart. Only then, will I be able to conduct myself

completely everywhere as I would in Your physical presence. " And see now, what an experience the Lord gave me!The very first board I saw at the Yagna site read: "

The true address of God is your heart

" . Well, I know He responds to my thoughts so directly and immediately like this; it's been a repeated experience, but still I cannot help getting overwhelmed everytime it happens. By the time, I went inside and sat, the hall was already full. I was wondering how would He communicate to me in such a huge audience. Of course, He did it everytime in the past, He made His every Darshan so unique and blissful to me irrespective of the crowds around. But still I vacillate in doubt until He starts His communication to me. Whenever I am into His Physical presence, in Prasanthi or Brindavan, I hold strongly to this idea -- " He is here to communicate to me. All others present here other than me and Him are only His Messengers conveying His messages to me.

" So, basically there is no competition in the Darshan Line between me and others. Far from it, all of them are there to communicate His Message to me. And every Darshan experience of mine stands a testimony to this.

For example, in this Darshan, the person who happened to sit beside me, started talking to me. I understood that he had been a lot into meditation and Yoga. I asked him, " Tell me about your spiritual experiences. " He replied, " Forget it, whatever Saadhana you do, even if God comes and stands before you, it's of no use until you realize He is in you, in your heart. " Again, exactly the same message.My wait for Swami's arrival became more anxious. I was then sitting in Vajrasan position. That posture gives me slightly more height while sitting. That way, I don't really block anyone else's vision too much. Even then, an old man sitting behind me said to me, " Why don't you sit normally? Don't you care for others' vision of Swami? " The way he asked it so rudely, made me forget that he is after all a Swami's Messenger there. I got annoyed; that was my first reaction. I said to myself, " Am I to be taught about love and care by someone else? " . The next moment, Swami allowed me to see the true picture. I realized that this chap is only acting according to Swami's instructions. I thanked him with a smile for his caution and sat back normally. I swore to myself that I would never sit on my knees again in Darshan. I started thinking, " How would He treat me specially in this big crowd now? How would He affrim to me that only me and He are there in this world? " And then there was a commotion. He arrived in the hall. I could not see Him at all. A little later He was behind the pillar. One more minute, I could have seen Him. And then it happened. The person sitting before me stood up and blocked my vision. And then Swami moved a bit ahead, I thought I would see Him then. But the next person stood up. What happened in next few minutes was so meticulously planned. One by one, everyone stood up and blocked my vision totally. I was sitting there on the ground without raising myself - having stuck to the promise I made to Swami - " I would never raise during Darshan again. I would never cause even a little inconvenience to anyone. I would not do something which reflects indiscipline. " Everyone else stood up, including the person who cautioned me earlier. Only I was sitting there in the entire group of people around, covering my head so that no one would accidentally step on me. Tears were flowing down my eyes as the pain of not being able to see Him was pinching my heart. And then...wonder of wonders, the bhajan group started singing, " Sarvam Saimayam! " (Everything, everyone is Sai Himself!) The song was clearly directed to me. He was saying to me, "

You say you want to see Me in everyone right? Come on, now take this opportunity. See Me in everyone around you, not only in the saffron robe that moves in Darshan. Don't feel down that you could not see Me physcially. Only because you wanted to see Me in everyone, I skipped this physical Darshan.

" Immediately, the words of Sunder Iyer (a Swami's student) came to my mind. " You ask Swami for peace of mind and He creates so much chaos in life so that you can practise peace. You ask Him for patience and He gives you as many people who annoy you, to teach you patience. It is only in darkness that you can appreciate light. " And lo....here He did it to me again. I asked Him to let me see Him in everyone. And He evaded His Darshan so tactfully, so that I can practise seeing Him everywhere and in everyone with the same amount of fervor!

The tears of desparation now became tears of gratitude, for the way He communicated this lesson to me. He treated me so specially among the big crowd as I wanted Him to. I was probably the only one who missed His physical Darshan. And that way, He clearly showed me what I wanted Him to - " Only me and Swami are there in the world. All others are but His messengers " . Being the actors commissioned by Him in this episode, all others played their role extremely well and stood up blocking my vision of Swami.

I was travelling back to Vijayawada the next morning. Though I could realize that it's all a beautiful drama He played evading me His Darshan, I could not really digest the fact that I was returning without even getting to see His Hair. I started complaining to Swami thus:

" Swami! Remember the discussion I had with my friend Kesava few days back. He was listening to a Tyagaraja Kriti which goes like: " Nagumomu ganaleni naa jaali thelisi "

- which means " O Rama! Do You know how much pain I feel not being able to see Your Smiling Face? " . Having played this song to me, Kesava said, " This song no longer holds good. We cannot use it. As we now have the facility which Tyagaraja did not have. You can just go to Parthi or Brindavan and see His Face and His smiles. So, it's time we modify this song. "

Then I started praying to You for a suitable alternative, You gave me these beautiful words: " Nagumomu kanagalani naa JOY thelisi. " - which mean

" O Sai! You don't know how much " Joy " I feel seeing Your smiling Face.... " I was so overwhelmed then, for the beautiful alternative You gave me which fits exactly into the rhythm; the word "

JOY " also rhymes with the original word " jaali " . You gave me such wonderful words and now You deprived me of that " Joy of seeing Your smiling Face " " . I finished my complaint, and in an effort to control the depressive thoughts, I got up from my seat and moved towards the train's door. Quite inadvertantly I said to Him, " You denied Me the opportunity of seeing Your Face. Now, if You have any concern for my feelings, if You hear me now, show Me Your Face RIGHT NOW, on this hill. " There was a hill that was passing by, which I could see from the running train's door. I uttered those words looking at it.

And lo and behold!!!! The very next second, I saw a big smiling picture of Swami on a house on the hill, with both Hands raised in blessing. It seems to be some Samithi with a big picture of Swami on the front.

I could hear the echo of my heart, " Nagumomu kanagalani naa JOY thelisi......O Sai! You don't know how much Joy I feel seing Your smiling Face.

" I did not care to see if anyone around was watching me. I returned back to my seat crying in full volume.In love of the resident of My heart,In love of Sri Sathya Sai who is with me, in me, Sandesh