Transformation of the Heart - Chapter 3

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SEEKING LOVE(By : Bea Flaig)"I

do not encourage adoration of just one name and one form, particularly

my present name and present form. I have no wish to draw people toward

Me, away from the worship of my other names and forms. You may infer

from what you call my miracles that I am attracting people and causing

attachments to Me and Me alone. But that is not so. These so-called

miracles are merely spontaneous proofs of Divine Majesty. There is no

need to change your chosen God to adopt a new one when you have seen me

or heard me. Continue your worship of your chosen God along the lines

already familiar to you and you will find you are coming nearer and

nearer to me, for all names are mine and all forms are mine."- Sathya Sai Baba -Where

shall my story start when I wish to tell of my love for Sathya Sai Baba

and how he has changed my life? Since our lives are so woven into time

and space, so much a part of our experiences, of people we know and of

those whom we do not realize we know - since there is so much more to

our God story - let me write that which my heart is telling.I

know that through my youth, I searched for that source from which I

would do good and see good. I believed it to be my mind, for never

would I call it God, whose image was that of a bearded old man in a

heavenly sky.I later discovered that many were searching just

as I was, but they pictured a form, a God that could and would do all

for them. My belief was that man had to do for himself, and my search

was in how, on Earth, I could improve. In time this ego was to be

transformed.Gradually, through my first teacher, Hilda

Charlton, did I begin to understand the meaning of God and

spirituality. It was through Hilda that I was led to God incarnate,

Sathya Sai. My heart was captured slowly, for mine is such that works

slowly, but surely. Once having grasped the love, it hangs on

tenaciously in the face of all adversity, for its foundation is strong.In 1974, when I first set out upon this path of glory, I wrote the following poem :A child - middle aged Looks for a love, Not physical.An adult - child-like Seeking her light, Holy, spiritual.I

remember wondering why I wrote it - what did it really mean? It was a

week later that my confusion took the form of a lament :Love, breathe it in Love, breathe it out I can't Poor Bea, wants to believe But can'tand ended with :Love, breathe it in Love, breathe it out I can't! Poor girl, yearns to have faith But can'tI

did try to believe, but I had so much difficulty. Those of us who have

lived for many years without an awareness of God in our hearts, who

have led a life devoid of belief in miracles or the power of prayer and

healing, may only be awakened by LOVE, pure unconditional love - and

some part of me knew this even as I lamented.As I progressed

along the path, meditating many hours, determined to solve the

questions, "Who is God?What is God?", my narrow mind began to be

aware of a new world. I saw people getting healed; I heard stories that

boggled my mind; I saw vibhuti manifest on pictures and statues in my

house.But the mind is a demon! No matter what wondrous events I

witnessed or heard of, there was the doubting mind, ever present,

conjuring up worldly reasons for everything."Everything is

within you," Baba says. I did not understand this truth; I had no atma,

soul consciousness; it was all my mind, my intellect that was the

creator. (I laugh as I write this, for indeed the mind does create - it

is the creator of this maya in which we live, the illusion that takes us in cycles from the heights of joy to the depths of despair.)But

God is ever patient, ever gracious. Hilda continued to share her love

with me along with her stories of an 18 year stay in India. She told me

of the wonders of Sai Baba. They sounded fantastic, but I just could

not believe them. And then, Swami's face began to appear more and more

in my meditations. "Imagination, mind pictures," I thought to myself.

But my heart was, at last, beginning to stir.I have a small

theory about our path to God. When things are rough and we're not

advancing the way we want to, when we are almost about to give up,

something happens to blow our mind, something which gives us a taste of

GOD, and we're hooked! We know that we must go on, never giving up the

search for another God vision, another experience of euphoria in the

sea of bliss.I tell the following story because it has kept me

on the path all these years despite the many hours of despair. It

turned the key to another plane of consciousness, and its recollection

continues to remind me of what true love is. In truth, what else is

worthy of our aspirations?It was in 1975, I was spending hours

meditating - before work, during work, after work, in the middle of the

night. It seemed beyond my control. I would end each meditation with,

"God, reveal yourself to me." Nothing seemed to satisfy me, not the

touch of peace, nor the spurts of love, nor the images that cam, for

doubt was always rearing its disconcerting self. I felt unfulfilled.I

remember that night so well. My husband brought home a statue of

Ganesha. The moment he showed it to me, I could feel an attraction. It

was something I could not understand, but I felt a warmth creep into

me. I felt a sense of energy hit me between the eyes as I touched it.

After dinner when I went into the bedroom where we had left the statue,

I noticed that vibhuti had formed."Meditate, meditate," my body

cried. I picked up the statue, went into the puja room and sat down in

front of the altar. With Ganesha still in my hand, I repeated my mantra

and moved the beads of my rosary. I was filled with such a strong

desire to know what the sages were telling, to experience the glory of

which the saints spoke. I could feel every part of me crying out to

understand, to be a child of God. I called every name I could think of

- every saint, every holy name, but never did I call on Sai Baba. I

cannot tell you why, but I did not call his name.And as I

called and pleaded, I became plagued with doubts. Evil thoughts began

to attack me - pricks in my mind and body. "Fool, there is no God...

You can't trust them... Don't you know it's all a lie..." On and on it

went, nasty ideas about God, about my path, about people I believed in,

all coming at me. I knew not what it was all about, or how it came on.

I was an onlooker, observing a terrifying scene. I could sense fear

growing, and then I saw myself stiffen and with great determination I

heard myself say, "Get away. I don't want to hear you. Go away, I don't

believe you. You don't know what you are talking about. I want GOD!" I

remember that part. I remember the determination. I also know that

something happened, that there was an unaccountable space of time and

the next thing I could recall was an opening above me and I was

propelled into a sea of expanse, a universe of stars, expanding,

expanding... and exstasy started pouring through me, washing me, loving

me - and I heard a voice, somewhere far off in the distance, a voice

that I recognized as being me but not me, I could hear it saying, "I

GIVE MYSELF TO THEE, SAI BABA."Sai Baba! Sai Baba, a name I hadn't even called! Sai Baba, God who had reached my soul!That

night I slept and dreamed. I dreamed that I was being buried in a

grave, and all around me people were dancing merrily. I felt no fear or

remorse. When I awoke the next morning, the dream was still vividly

with me. I felt that it was connected to my meditation experience, that

it marked the death of my old self and a rebirth. That summer I made

plans for my first visit to India, to see Swami in his physical form.I

wish I could say that I had been truly reborn, and that my thoughts,

words and deeds were always pure. No. Although I had been blessed by

God, I had still to earn that kingdom, if it were to be mine forever!My

first visit to Swami was amazing on all accounts. I will not delve into

all the stories at this time, but by now you know all the layers which

he had to uncover. There was an instant interview that resulted in

great awe and pain. After that, in between a period of being totally

ignored, there was the thrill of being his presence at a wedding, and,

finally, the bliss of another interview before leaving for home.Still,

much remained unanswered. I was so involved with my own advancement

toward God, that I did not see God in front of me, nor could I see my

own God-self. Oh, I did see Baba's poetic step, his smile that brought

warmth to all, the changes that he brought about in some of the

handicapped people he had taken in for interviews - but these did not

linger with me."Swami, talk to me, teach me directly, solve all

my problems," were my cries, my worldly ego overtaking the glimpse of

divinity I had been given.And so the years moved on. I returned

to India, to his lotus feet, received the interviews, the blessings,

the materializations, and still I cried out. God always seemed one step

beyond my reach. I was not a student of Theosophy; my knowledge of the

Bible and other holy books was negligible. I was not in touch with

psychic phenomena, or third eye vision. However, my thoughts did start

to change, for I began to say to myself, "Surely, somewhere on this

path, I must be useful. In some way, I might be of concrete service to

the spirit of God."The awareness of how I was to serve as his

instrument also progressed slowly. At one point I read Swami's

declaration, "The end of education is character." Here at last was my

message! Was I not a teacher? Then why not put these ideas into the

classroom? I delved deeper into the Bal Vikas program and how I might

use it with my students in the public school system. The results were

amazing. It could work! Where once I would go to sleep with the worry

of how to face another day of classroom feuds, of children's disrespect

for one another, of their lack of self-worth, and would wake up with

the same fears, I now began to feel a change, a glimmer of hope, a

realization that working with values would change the children. God was

offering me another chance, a chance to rectify the mistakes I had made

in bringing up my own children, a chance to be of use in this lifetime.And

changes did begin. The changes were not only occurring in the children,

but I, too, was changing. I became lighter, freer, happier. That which

had borne upon me so heavily began to wash away. I knew what my future

would have to be. I had to explore what Swami was now calling Education

in Human Values.And so I applied for a sabbatical to write a

values curriculum for use in my district public schools. Another great

transformation was about to take place. I had always been worried about

money; and now I was faced with a cut in salary and with many plans for

travel, yet I was not at all concerned. I'm not sure how there was

enough money - but there we were that year, my husband and I, traveling

to Canada, Israel, France and India. And as we traveled, I researched

the many values programs that were in existence.In the summer

of 1983, I once again arrived in India, this time to participate in the

International Conference on EHV. I knew my answer would be found here.

Little did I know that I would find more than just my role in EHV.Baba

was as beautiful and gracious as ever. On the darshan line, he would

tell the New York participants, "Yes, yes. I will see you." He would

often repeat this to my husband and others on the men's side. It never

happened! It was the first time I had not had an interview. But I was

not the same person either. I found myself listening to every word Baba

was saying in his discourses in the Poornachandra. Every sound that

came from him was a gem for me. He served us well, showering us with

unconditional love and showing us his true form. For the first time, I

came to realize that I was indeed in the presence of God. I knew what

it meant.He came to our small meetings promising, "No one shall

leave without their questions answered." And so it came to be. We were

permitted to submit written questions which he proceeded to answer. We

were in his presence for hours. Invariably when a new problem crossed

my mind, I would hear him give me the solution, even as he spoke on

another topic. This went on for days, and his magnanimity overwhelmed

me. I had to begin thinking seriously about how I could serve.Baba

fed our minds, our hearts, our souls and even our bodies. When we were

served lunch in the canteen, it was so beautiful to watch him as he

went down the aisles, asking if we had enough, if we were happy... ever

GIVING, GIVING. "How much can one take," I thought, "without giving in

return?"This is my new birth, my new work. I have been granted

faith and belief. I know what love can really be. As long as Baba lets

me help in his task of Education in Human Values, I shall be there. I

don't think he expects us to be specialists in teaching EHV, but rather

to be specialists in life, meeting its challenges with equanimity and

love.As I conclude this story, I flash upon the day my mother

died. I recall the pledge I made as a young 15-year-old confused by my

loss. "When I grow up, I'm going to do something for this world. I'm

going to help cure cancer."It is now 45 years down the road,

and God has granted me my wish. In my final surrender to him, I have

become his instrument. The cancer that is eating away at our character,

the cancer that is wiping out righteousness in this world, the cancer

that is shattering our peace and causing our physical cancer - that is

the cancer which Sathya Sai Baba is now transforming. Thus, shall he

bring to all mankind TRUTH, RIGHT ACTION, PEACE, LOVE and NON-VIOLENCE.(From : Transformation of the Heart, compiled and edited by Judy Warner)Copyright reserved by Sri Sathya Sai Books and Publications Trust, Prashanti Nilayam Visit : Sai Divine Inspirations : http://saidivineinspirations.blogspot.com/ Sai Messages : http://saimessages.blogspot.com/ Love Is My Form : http://loveismyform.blogspot.com/