Transformation of the Heart - Chapter 2

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AN EXTRAORDINARY JOURNEY(By : Barbara Bozzani)You

may wonder : "Why would God pay any attention to me? What could I

possibly offer to Him that He would accept when the entire cosmos is

already His? If even angels and gods cannot see Him, what chance is

there for me?" But such self-demeaning and belittling thoughts will get

you nowhere. As long as you think this way, you will be unable to earn

the grace of God and be fit to serve Him. Give no place to such

displays of weakness. You must install God in your heart and say to

Him, "Beloved Lord! I know You occupy the entire universe, but You are

also here in my heart. With all my power, I will keep You here, firmly

established within me. You are, it is true, the greatest of the great;

but You are also the smallest of the small. In that minute aspect You

reside always in my heart." If you have this firm faith in yourself and

a steadfast resolve to fix God unalterably in your heart, you will

surely attain Him.- Sathya Sai Baba -To

know where we are going in this journey through life, it is sometimes

helpful to know where we have been. We are all God's children, but he

has placed each of us in a unique set of circumstances. The influences

of family, friends and environment all leave marks, sometimes scars, on

the psyche. I had the good fortune to be born into a family that valued

high morals and sound ethics. Truthfulness was a code learned early in

life. But the other side of my early training was lacking in some

areas. My family never spoke of God or love nor was there much joy or

creative expression. These came later when I discovered the world

beyond my home environment.My mother conveyed the impression

that an open display of affection or the giving of praise and

reassurance to children would spoil them. After all, it's a tough world

and we must be able to deal with harsh realities. Perhaps it was the

deep hurt she felt from her own difficult upbringing, coupled with the

pain of separation from my father when I was still very young. After

the separation, as an only child, I was the focal point of her

attention, and I felt her deep concern for my well-being and security.

She did an admirable job in a time when women, as single parents, were

often shunned by society. She taught me to be neat and clean, to hold

my head high and to tell the truth.Hard work was another of her

teachings for which I am grateful. Because of her German Lutheran

ethic, I worked part-time from the age of 11. It was sometimes quite

difficult to balance a baby-sitting or a mother's helper job with my

studies and school activities. Later I took on the task of making all

my own clothes, and was rather good at it.My mother's sense of

responsibility should have been somewhat relieved when she met and

married a fine Greek gentleman, but the habit of worry was deeply

ingrained in her personality.My stepfather, besides easing our

financial difficulties, opened the way for some cultural expressions.

We traveled a little, read books together, went to museums and talked

of worldly events. Still there was no spiritual interest shown by

either parent. But I began to make my own religious investigations.I

had gone to various Sunday schools and churches with friends, and had

always felt great joy when hymns were sung and Bible stories were told.

But, much to my dismay, I found that many of the "church people" who

attentively listened to Christian teachings, such as "Love thy neighbor

as thyself," were practicing some form of prejudice in their daily

lives.When I was still quite young, a relative whom I trusted

made an uncomplimentary comment about a group of Catholic nuns. I was

shocked and hurt by this person's criticism of the good nuns who gave

so much service to the world. Becoming aware of hypocrisy in those I

loved was both confusing and disheartening.As I grew older and

became aware of the terrible things that happen in the world, I began

to think that a good and loving God would never let crimes and

atrocities happen to innocent people. My simplistic conclusion, as a

disenchanted teenager, was that there must not be a God, and that

religious beliefs must be a form of escapism for those who could not

face reality.The years rolled by, and near the completion of my

education, I met a charming young man. On July 4, 1952, we were married

in the midst of much celebrating of the national holiday. Bob was then

an officer in the United States Navy. Our married life centered around

parties and social gatherings, and all in all was most agreeable for

both of us, yet there was something lacking, like one small missing

piece of a puzzle.With each new event I thought, this is the

thing that will make life complete. Upon Bob's discharge from the Navy,

he went into his family's automobile business. By then we had one

beautiful daughter and two years later another baby girl, both of whom

brought us great joy. Before the arrival of our son, we moved to a

larger home. Bob now had his own prosperous business and our family was

complete. Who could expect more? But we both felt an inner restlessness.At

that time I had a friend who always seemed to be calm and peaceful.

When I asked her to divulge her secret formula for composure, she said

that she practiced hatha yoga and that she would be happy to take me to

meet her teacher. I took to hatha yoga with great interest and in a few

years began teaching classes.During this period, I also

attended classes given by Indra Devi, who instructed us in the ancient,

classic postures and later astounded us with stories of her spiritual

preceptor, Sri Sathya Sai Baba. Her stories created a longing within me

to to to exotic India and see this reputedly amazing being. The longing

became an obsession. In the later part of 1973, I convinced my husband

that we should travel with a group of Westerners to see Baba at his

ashram near the small village of Puttaparthi in South India. Sai Baba

had reportedly performed wonders such as Christ had done. My curiosity

could not be assuaged; I had to see for myself.My husband was

going through a rather difficult period in his life and was less than

enthusiastic about taking a trip to India. Nevertheless, in February of

1974, off we went, with about twenty other curious pilgrims, for an

unforgettable journey.On the first day in the ashram, one of

our travel companions came by the room and told us to get ready for

darshan (being in the presence of a great spiritual being). Not knowing

at the time what darshan was or how to get ready for it, we had to be

advised : first bathe, then dress in clean clothing, and finally,

proceed to the temple area to quietly await the appearance of Sri

Sathya Sai Baba. All this I did while still being the ultimate tourist,

not taking any of it too seriously. Instead, I was thinking what a good

story all this would be to share with friends and yoga students at home.Much

to my surprise, when Sai Baba did appear and walk before the crowd, I

felt riveted to the spot and could not take my eyes from him. I had

seen many pictures of Sai Baba, but was not prepared for such a deeply

moving experience. His natural grace and charm were beguiling. I forgot

all the discomforts of jet lag and sitting in the hot sun wrapped in a

sari. Something about his demeanor made my cold heart begin to soften;

I felt a surge of joy. For a long time thereafter, that joy felt like

gentle ocean waves sweeping over me, then receding. I wanted to stay

enveloped in that oceanic feeling, but it was too elusive. I didn't

know then how fortunate we were, for Baba had told one of our group

that he would see us the next day.We all arrived promptly on

the temple veranda at the designated hour and were ushered into a large

room. There were no embellishments, just a simple wooden chair on a

platform for Baba. The rest of us tried to be comfortable on the cement

floor, and then it happened again! As Sai Baba entered the room, all

thoughts of discomfort disappeared, and the waves of joy took over. How

could his presence cause such a reaction? He never sat in a special

chair, but seemed to prefer relaxing on the edge of the platform,

standing before us or moving through the group.Baba gave us a

mini-discourse; and to this day, I don't remember a word he said, only

the soft melodic tones of his voice and a feeling of happiness. At some

point in the talk, he manifested a ring for a woman in our group. I was

pleased because one of my secret wishes had been to see some miracles.

Indeed, I saw it clearly, as it appeared right under my nose. I was

collecting experiences, and that was a pretty good one. But what next?Some

days later, as we were sitting on the veranda waiting to be called into

Baba's interview room, a handsome but distressed Indian family were

ushered into the small inner room. The father was carrying his son, who

was about 9 years old; the boy was wearing white socks which didn't

really conceal his badly deformed feet. His spindly legs indicated that

he had never run or played like other children. I felt a tug at my

heart. I was grateful for the three healthy children we had left in the

care of their grandparents in California.After some time, the

door swung open; and, wonder of wonders, the family emerged, all of

them weeping tears of joy. The young boy was walking on wobbly legs

like a newborn fawn, his large brown eyes sparkling. I didn't even try

to control my own tears.Baba came out and gave some final

instructions to the parents; then he turned to me and asked, "Why are

you crying? Don't cry; it's the first time he has walked." I replied

through tears, "That's why I'm crying." He then gave me a look I have

come to know so well - the most kind and compassionate smile I had ever

seen - and he said in the softest of tones, "I know, I know."I

wanted that moment to last forever, but in an instant he had changed

his demeanor and was showing deep concern for another of his children.Soon

it was our turn to be alone with Baba. Our first private interview was

an overwhelming experience. Bob and I and Sai Baba stood close together

as Baba asked questions. He addressed me first, asking simple questions

like, "How many children do you have?" At that moment, I was at a loss

for words. He smiled indulgently and answered the question himself,

saying, "Three." In the meantime, I stood mute - unable to communicate.

I must have appeared more than foolish, but Baba was kind as he

understands all human conditions and frailties. During those few

minutes, he outlined the character - both the strengths and weaknesses

- of each of our children. The passing years have revealed him to be

one hundred percent accurate.His attention then turned to Bob,

and they spoke of business matters while Sai manifested some vibhuti

(holy ash) and stroked Bob's chest and heart area with the ash saying,

"He is a good man, a good man." This clear sign of loving approval

caused Bob to do something I had never seen him do before - he burst

into tears and cried like a helpless child. Sai Baba said, "Business

gives you no satisfaction, but all that will change." Bob brightened at

that reassurance.Swami, as he often refers to himself, turned

again to me and said, "Be patient. You need to learn to be patient."

The interview was over, and I was still mute as we left. It took a long

time to come back to earth. It had been the most unusual experience of

my life, but I still failed to see that Sri Sathya Sai Baba was a

diving being. I could only perceive that he was special and that he

invoked higher ideals and emotions in me than I had ever known before.While

on the airplane back to the United States, we started planning our next

trip to India. Already, we were being drawn back as if by some magnetic

force. Bob, in a lighthearted spirit, began to tease me about Swami's

comments on my being impatient. Later, we both had a good laugh at my

narrow viewpoint and inability to accept criticism, even though it had

been given so gently by Baba. I promised myself, then and there, to

work on the problem of impatience.Upon returning home, we

resumed out activities, but somehow our lives had changed. Bob and I

still cared about our old friends but found it difficult - even

impossible - to resume the old round of social events. Bob dove deeply

into reading everything about Sathya Sai Baba. I, on the other hand,

had pressured him to go with me to India but was left feeling

incomplete and confused by the experience.In 1975, we returned

to India, first touring and then continuing on to attend a World

Conference of Sri Sathya Sai Organizations and Baba's 50th birthday.

There had been only one prior experience in my background to prepare me

for life in an ashram, and this time it was more difficult because of

the large crowds that had gathered for the conference and birthday

celebrations.Again we received interviews, and Bob was given a

lovely ring with Baba's likeness. In fact, many people were given

"calling cards," as Swami calls the small gifts like rings and lockets,

which he manifests.Seeing the faces of those who received these

items from Baba's own hand generated a feeling of great joy, and I

began to long for one of those talismans. In fact, I became obsessed.

But the more I wished for something, the more frequent were Baba's

gifts to others! In one interview, he actually gave divine tokens to

ladies in front, in back and on either side of me! I must have looked

green with envy, but all I got from Baba was a mischievous smile.He

often says, "I give you what you want, so that you will want what I

have come to give." But what did that message have to do with my desire

to have one of his small gifts? What was to be learned from this

spiritual stuff anyway? Why did intense feelings seem to be tearing me

apart?The following year back home, I suffered from doubts and

periods of loneliness and depression. Confusion mounted, and I wondered

if I truly wanted to give up the social round, the conspicuous

consumption and self-indulgence. But those shallow activities no longer

offered pleasure, nor did anything else. I was on an emotional roller

coaster. Baba has said, "Sometimes I must break the heart in order to

enter it." Perhaps that was what was happening.Meanwhile, my

husband was drawing closer to Sai Baba. He insisted that we have

devotional songs (bhajans) sung in our home and that we study Swami's

teachings. In spite of mixed emotions at this time, I was looking

forward to our next trip to India, for those journeys had become annual

events of pain and pleasure. The attraction to Sai Baba was still

impossible to explain.The next year, we took out three children

and Bob's mother to India. Baba showered grace upon all of them. I felt

completely out of step; I contracted the flu and remained ill during

the whole journey. At one point in Bombay, I expressed my wish to

allocate some worldly possessions to our children for I felt certain I

would die before returning home. I must have been having hallucinations

from the fever, or wallowing in self-pity. Probably both. It was quite

impossible to eat, and I became more and more weak. I scribbled a

letter to Baba on hotel stationery asking for his help.Bob

hand-carried that letter to the Dharmakshetra, Baba's place of

residence in Bombay, where Swami was scheduled to give a discourse.

Baba walked past my husband and accepted my desperate note. All during

his discourse he held that letter, making graceful hand gestures and

pointing the envelope toward the thousands who had assembled to hear

him. All this was not known to me until later, but I do remember

feeling better during that time.The next day, I had recovered

enough to go with my family to the Dharmakshetra where Baba received

us. He held my hand during most of the interview and seemed concerned

about my health, telling me : "Eat." The next day, aboard our plane for

the long flight back to the United States, my appetite was insatiable.

But even more important, my heart had opened a little wider and my

doubts were drifting away; perhaps this was my spiritual renaissance.During

our first trip to India, I had observed an unusual custom; many

devotees wanting to touch or even kiss Baba's feet. My first reaction

to this was negative. On the following trip, I thought it was fine for

Indians to practice this custom but not a western lady. During the

third trip, however, I had great longing to touch those perfectly

formed, fragrant feet, and I had asked Baba several times for

padnamaskar, as it is called; I was told : "Wait, wait." In the

meantime, the longing grew. Only at the last moment of our last day in

India did Baba allow me the privilege. He stepped forward, pointed to

his feet and said, "Do." I fell to my knees, knowing in the depths of

my heart that this was the most profound and sacred opportunity of my

lifetime, a moment of great magnitude, the beginning of surrender.In

the following years, Bob and I journeyed to India to be near our

beloved teacher once or twice annually. Occasionally, one or all of the

children accompanied us. Baba always seemed to bestow his special grace

on the young and they responded favorably.At this point, it has

been nearly sixteen years since I first heard of Sri Sathya Sai Baba,

and I am actually horrified to think what life would be without him. At

best, it would be an endless stream of empty events and meaningless

activities. Certainly my life was headed in that direction before I

knew Swami.Baba exhorts his followers to serve. He says,

"Service to humanity is service to God." My service has taken the form

of editing and publishing the Sathya Sai Newsletter. Highly qualified

devotees donate many hours to create a quarterly publication devoted to

the phenomenon of Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba and his teachings.

Working on the national "Newsletter" is a joy as well as an awesome

responsibility because I am now convinced that Baba is the Lord

incarnate; a complete avatar with all the powers, glory and divine love

that this engenders. He is the embodiment of love, and has come to

re-establish righteousness in the world. Only God can do that.Baba

is our greatest teacher, for there are lessons in what he does as well

as what he does not do. For example, I used to ponder; why, if he is

God, does he allow starvation and devastating disease to occur? Baba

has said that he could change all that in an instant, but in a short

time, the same human tragedies would return and the world would be as

badly off as before. Is it possible, then, that we do these things to

ourselves? Baba confirms what the Catholic Church has said for many

years : there is an abundance of food in the world but that the

distribution is not equitable. Surely we can't blame God for this lack

of concern for our fellow human beings. We can and do blame governments

for not coming to the aid of less fortunate nations. However, Baba

would have us look within our own hearts and ask what we as individuals

can do to help our less fortunate brothers and sisters.In

regard to disease, I used to wonder why Baba does not cure at least

those who come to him seeking his help. Now I understand that he seldom

interferes with the individual's need to undergo certain negative

experiences. Even though such experiences may seem tragic to us, in

another perception, they could be considered grace, or the paying of

karmic debts. Sooner or later we must all pay our debts. Since God

knows our past, present and future, why not surrender everything to

him? Then body, mind and soul are in his keeping forever more.The

lessons have been numerous, but my own experience has confirmed that

concepts must be put into practice. I was struck, for example, by the

realization that I must forgive and even learn to love, the father who

abandoned me so long ago. Swami declares that it is most important to

love our parents, for they have given us human birth. He continues by

saying, "It is only through a human birth that we can realize God."

And, further, there are souls in heaven waiting for the good fortune to

be born.In years past, I had been critical of some people for

their subtle prejudice. Baba tells us that we have no right to judge

others; often they are reflecting our own inner thoughts and feelings.

Perhaps truly learning tolerance consists of not being intolerant of

the intolerance of others.In a recent interview when asked to define ego, Baba quickly responded, "It is ignorance, ignorance."According to Baba, marriage provides an opportunity to eliminate "this greatest human stumbling block."I

can vouch for this as I recall the many situations where Baba has had

us face the realities of married life. For example, on one of our

trips, Bob and I arrived at Prashanti in the midst of a heated

disagreement. Later, Swami scolded both of us for arguing. On another

occasion, I was rather annoyed with Bob but kept it to myself. Swami

approached me during darshan and said, "Always fighting with husband."I responded, "No Swami, not fighting." He then said, "Yes - arguing here," pointing to his head.He

has told us, "Marriage is like sandpaper rubbing away each other's

egoism." And his teaching concerning the correct attitude in the

relationship is quite specific : The wife serves the husband, and the

husband has the task of protecting and caring for the wife. Each loves

God, that spark of divinity inherent in the other.Indeed, I

have learned more about the roles of husband and wife from our beloved

Baba than one could learn from any marriage manual.I have

already mentioned my desire for a token of Swami's divinity, one of his

small gifts "manufactured" from thin air. After several trips to India

and many interviews, it finally happened! At the time, I concluded that

my motives were totally incorrect - after all, I had seen, talked with,

and been given sound advice by, the Lord himself. Who could ask for

more?The very next interview, Baba asked me, "What do you

want?" I said, "You, Swami, you." He smiled indulgently, like a parent

who is about to reward a small child with an ice cream cone. With a

wave of that beautiful hand, he presented to me a ring with the

likeness of Shirdi Sai Baba (his previous incarnation) in bas-relief. I

was thrilled; it was a magic moment of sheer delight.He placed

the ring on my right index finger, which I've come to feel is very

significant. I must confess to being afraid at times, to say"no"

because someone might not approve of me. I truly think the likeness of

Shirdi Sai Baba has given courage to my convictions. Placing the ring

on the right index finger was, I feel, meant to make me more assertive,

for it is this finger we use to indicate or emphasize a point. Swami

has never confirmed this. It is my own perception; I only know that

something has helped.These are but a few of the lessons and

experiences I've had since consciously coming into Sai Baba's orbit. I

say "consciously" because I now feel that he has always been guiding

and protecting me. His love is so great that he even watches over those

who do not accept his divinity.My husband and I often have

sensed his presence in both home and office, by the tell-tale fragrance

of jasmine or vibhuti. We will be busily concentrating on a task when,

suddenly, his fragrance will occur, giving rise to an inexpressible

feeling of peace and joy.Indeed he is with each of us always

and in all ways. To know him, all we need do is love God and seek his

love in return. What better way to spend the rest of this extraordinary

journey?(From : Transformation of the Heart, compiled and edited by Judy Warner)Copyright reserved by Sri Sathya Sai Books and Publications Trust, Prashanti Nilayam Visit : Sai Divine Inspirations : http://saidivineinspirations.blogspot.com/ Sai Messages : http://saimessages.blogspot.com/ Love Is My Form : http://loveismyform.blogspot.com/