How to Raise Children With Discipline and Love

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Volume 5 - Issue 07

JULY 2007

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Raise Children With Discipline and Love

 

By Mrs. Rita Bruce

 

 

This

is our second article on the theme of “Value Parenting” and is taken

from the book “Sathya Sai Parenting” by Mrs. Rita Bruce. This is in

response to requests by many readers to have more such articles after

we carried the first article “Teach Children the Joy of Giving” in the May 2007

issue of H2H. The current excerpt is from the chapter “Balancing

Discipline and Love” and we hope to bring you more extracts from this

book in the coming issues.

 

Let's

investigate this subject of controlling or disciplining our children.

From the time they are born, until they mature, you are their

conscience. When they are infants you rush to fulfill their survival

needs. They become habituated to your constant response and the

behaviour begins. You are giving them what they want. It will not hurt

them to cry themselves to sleep, within reason, if a child is not wet,

or hungry, or in pain. You are only interested in their well-being, and

are protecting them from getting harmed or overly tired. The sooner

they learn to trust your judgment and feel secure in your decisions the

more cooperation you may have.

As

they begin to toddle, their words and actions become challenging ,

testing you even more to see if you will allow them to do what they

want as opposed to what you want them to do. The battle between your

conscience and their desires starts very early. The sooner you let them

know who is the boss, the less trouble you will have when they are in

their teens.

Lessons in Limits

Of

course, you cannot discipline a newborn or small infant by time-outs,

but you can place limits and have a daily routine. Limit their bed

time. If they are not ill, let them fall asleep on their own, instead

of rocking or sleeping with them. Let them sleep in their own bed,

instead of in yours. Let them play in a playpen for short periods

during the day instead of roaming all over the house.

 

 

 

 

 

Incidentally,

the playpen saved my sanity. Today, a playpen is looked upon as "How

can I cage up my child?" Again it is the overly permissive approach,

allowing them to roam and do as they please. Restricting their movement

or behaviour has not been in vogue. I used it for short periods of the

day, half an hour, and if the child was content playing with his/her

toys, I extended the time. They will let you know. I was free to

prepare dinner without worrying, "where was this toddler"? The playpen

provides the infant's safety and the parent's peace of mind. But today

we think how could we be so cruel as to confine our child in a playpen

or gated room? Nonsense. It teaches them limits and boundaries.

Discipline with Love

If

you are going to have a child, start immediately with your newborn,

letting the child know who is in control! Here are some examples of

"you say / they say" which typically apply in all households.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You say

They say

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eat Your Dinner

I Don`t Like It

 

 

Take A Bath

I’m Not Dirty

 

 

Clean Your Room

What’s Wrong With It?

 

 

Time for Bed

Not Tired

 

 

Time To Get Up

Too Tired

 

 

You’re Late

No Clock

 

 

Who’s Fighting?

He/She Is

 

 

Who Did This?

Not Me

 

 

Share Your…...

Its Mine

 

 

Do Your Homework

Don’t Have Any

 

 

You Cannot Go

All My Friends Can

 

 

Change Your Cloths

What’s Wrong With These?

 

 

Get Off The Phone

I Just Got On

 

 

What Did You Do

Nothing Today.

 

 

Where is The Money?

I don’t Know

 

 

Stop That Arguing

You Do!

 

 

Do

these answers sound familiar to you? It is really very simple. Look

down the centre of the two columns, called ‘You say....they say’. This

division is the line of separation that creates our child management

problems. God has the same "child management" issues with us. He wants

us to give up our ego desires and body identification. We hear the

voice of the conscience but we, too, would rather follow our impulses.

Our children present us with a similar condition; there is little

difference. Always, always look to your relationship with God, to

determine what your role is as a parent. You are fighting the battle

with their ego and it is powerful.

Sai says, "To earn the goodwill of the Master, there is one recipe; obey His orders without murmur....Grace is showered on all who obey instructions and follow orders." SSS 2 pg. 184

 

 

 

 

I

could give you many examples of what they want versus what you want:

hours on the phone, not wanting to go to bed, fighting with

brothers/sisters, insulting parents, returning home late, watching

television, going to movies, not cleaning their room, etc. But let us

realize that whatever the circumstances, the underlying cause is always

the same, "Your will against their will."

A

toddler only knows a few words, but one of the first he catches is

"No!" That's plain enough. When they get older they embellish it a

little, with phrases as in "you say - they say" or worse. It’s your

will versus their will. You don't need many examples on how to

discipline, all you need is to know how to say sweetly, but firmly with

love, ‘No’. Practise it. If they don't respond then you must enforce it

with discipline.

Being Consistent

The

sooner they learn that your word will not be changed, the easier your

job will be, now and in the future. Inconsistency allows them to think

they can have their own way. The more you give in...the more they test

you. Inconsistency gives them greater control; you loose ground. Your

job will become harder each time you give in to them. They will

continue to beg, plead, scream, throw temper fits, anything to try and

persuade you to give into their wish.

 

 

 

If they know that you mean "No" when you say it, they will finally get

the message and relinquish the struggle to manipulate you. Be

consistent! Repetition habituates the behaviour.

Swami

does the same with us. If we have a harmful desire or habit He makes

our life uncomfortable with this desire, until we let go and surrender

it. When we are new to the spiritual path, we often prolong the

struggle, wanting the desire fulfilled. The longer you are on the

spiritual path, the quicker you let go! You simply learn that "what you

want versus what He wants" is a lost battle before it even begins. The

same process will work with your child.

Sai says, "When

students do not behave, Swami tells them softly, ‘Bangaru, you don't do

that’. If they still do not behave, Swami raises His voice. His voice

changes but Swami's heart does not change. That you demonstrate."

 

 

Inculcating Self Control

Most

of us want our children to love us. It is painful when we have to

enforce a rule. We don't like to see them hurt or angry. We want to

play with them and enjoy their company. The problem is that when they

become adults and do not have the ability to control themselves, their

suffering increases because the risks are larger. And I might add we

also suffer when they, for example, leave a job, get a divorce, drink

too much alcohol, drive recklessly, or ignore their familial duties. In

general, we suffer when they suffer.

A group of devotees from Madras came to Bhagavan and said, "Swami please visit our Centre in Madras ?" Swami replied, "What

is the use? You are not regular in your appointment with God. One day,

you commence Bhajan at 5 PM another day at 5:30 PM . When you say that

you commence Bhajan at 5 PM God will always be ready at your doorstep.

But you want to give importance to a guest politician who was to come

to attend the Bhajan. Discipline is my Second Name. Remember this."

 

 

 

 

Our

children wandering away from God would be our ultimate failure. This is

the main task set before us....to bring our children to God. If we take

our duty seriously, make every effort, and our children fail to realize

the God within, then we sigh and ponder their karma. You are not

responsible for the results, the good or not so good. You can only

execute your duty in the best way that you know. When you have done

this, and the results are not what you sought, it is up to God to

change what you cannot.

 

 

 

 

Swami said, "He

alone is the father who tells his son "Child, realize God". He is the

true Guru, who leads the disciple to God. Such teachers and parents

have become rare these days. All that had brought fame and glory to the

country in the past has become a waste, because of the decline of the

moral values and behaviour. The educational system is utterly

vilified."

Suffering

is a part of life; we must learn to accept it and go on living, and

even loving our living. By placing emphasis on pleasure, we are sending

the message that pain is so unbearable that it must be avoided at all

cost, and we must find an escape.

As Sai says, "Pleasure is a brief interval between two pains."

Our

job is to teach them that life holds both joy and grief. The more we

stress the importance of one over the other, the lesson of treating

them equally is not learned. Yes, I know this is certainly a task for

the self-realized, but it is important for us to strive for the ideal.

 

 

Don't

place so much importance on seeking pleasure by continuously

entertaining the child. They are so highly stimulated today that they

cannot seek the simplicity of enjoying their own imagination. They must

even be entertained in the school classroom. Is it too difficult for

the child to realize that learning is often hard work, and not always

entertaining? Is it not the time for entertainment? We are pampering

the children too much. We assume they cannot face the reality of life

unless we sugar-coat each event.

 

 

Allow

the child to struggle with its own life issues. Our purpose for being

in the body is to overcome it, transcend it. If we do not teach them

how to face each situation fearlessly, to confront problems and

challenges, fighting with a strong will and all their might to overcome

the evil forces that are here on earth, then they will succumb. Our

conscience is training their conscience, teaching them what is right

and what is wrong. This will develop a pattern of behaviour that will

sustain them throughout their lives.

Sai teaches us, "Do good and have good in return; do bad and accept the bad that comes back; that is the law."

If

our child makes a mistake, we can teach them how to correct it. This

builds their self-esteem and self-confidence, which are essential

aspects of self-love. Can we continue to deny our children the art of

self-discipline, the core of character building, by spoiling them?

 

 

 

 

Swami says, "Parents,

have the primary responsibility to mould the character of children. Too

much freedom should not be given out of excessive affection. Children

should be taught to exercise self-restraint and observe discipline in

their daily life. If parents are negligent in bringing up the children

in their most tender years, it will not be easy to correct them later

on."

 

Dear

Reader, did you find this article helpful? Do you have any experiences

that you would like to share with us? Please contact us at h2h mentioning your name and country. Thank you for your time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Vol 5 Issue 07 - JULY 2007

 

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