My Failed Relationship

[Guest guest]

My failed relationship, 39 years ago, is what started me on my spiritual quest.

This was the first really major mistake in my life, especially since my

ex-partner was pregnant with my son. Also, it seemed I was leaving my physics

career even before it got started. It seemed my knowledge of physics, math, etc

was useless and turning to university psychologist was not much help.

Fortunately somehow, I did not turn to medication, drugs, alcohol, women, bars,

or binging on food which many turn to in such cases; I couldn't lose myself in

my career because the interest was gone and circumstances were forcing me out in

any case; that year 700 physicists were forced to leave their career.

 

Oh, religion and God was something that I had given-up-on gradually in my life

replacing it with science, although my growing up religion was kind of innocent,

easy and fun during holidays.

 

What to do? Walking, walking and more walking and watching my mind unravel. I

observed that my intellect/logic would come to a certain conclusion but my

emotions had other plans and my body also had different needs than either my

intellect or my emotions. This lack of inner integration, let alone the outer

challenges, all added to frustration, sadness, anger, confusion, weakness,

fatigue and uncertainty in my life at that time.

 

Eating less, I lost 20 lbs; this perhaps was my first benefit.

 

Hardly reading any books outside my physics career, I ventured into a bookstore

and picked up two books, J. Krishnamurti's " Think On These Things " and something

about concentration meditation. Reading Krishnamurti was a little scary as it

sounded nihilistic and did not seem to promise any hope, but at the time it

seemed to resonate with my hopelessness about everything including Vietnam war,

corruption seemingly permeating all our institutions, government, etc.

 

But, when my reading of " Think On These Things " was finished, something quite

unexpected happened, I was filled with Joy and perhaps a little of that Peace

that passeth all understanding. While my UNCERTAINTY in my relationship, job,

money, `what to do' remained, it was no longer such a burden; there was hope

after all, something new, although I couldn't quite put my finger on it, a kind

of new adventure without plans or any guarantees.

 

Soon will follow this with a sequel post " My Failed Relationship => Recovery "

 

Hope this is useful for some one and God Bless,

amarnath