Fw: New Office Policy/ Conduct (Make sure you scroll all the way down)............

March 10, 2009

---

MAKE SURE YOU SCROLL ALL THE WAY DOWN.....

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE

EFFECTIVE FEBRUARY 1, 2009 NEW OFFICE POLICYDress Code:1) You are advised to come to work dressed according toyour salary.2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying aGucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financiallyand therefore do not need a raise.3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage yourmoney better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, andtherefore you do not need a raise.4) If you dress just right, you are right where you needto be and therefore you do not need a raise.Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proofof sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave:This is no excuse for missing work. There is

nothingyou can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Everyeffort should be made to have non-employees attend thefuneral arrangements in your place. In rare cases whereemployee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad toallow you to work through your lunch hour andsubsequently leave one hour early.Bathroom Breaks:Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.There is now a strict three-minute time limit in thestalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm willsound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stalldoor will open, and a picture will be taken. After yoursecond offense, your picture will be posted on thecompany bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will besectioned under the company's mental health policy.Lunch Break: (Love this one)*

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they needto eat more, so that they can look healthy.* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get abalanced meal to maintain their average figure.* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that'sall the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are hereto provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternationand input should be directed elsewhere.The ManagementPass this on to all who are employed!