chant for obsessive thoughts?

January 8, 2008

Greetings! My family situation is very tense right now: my husband & I

have been married 5 years, his daugther (S,now 20, full time job,

could suport herself) lives with us. My husband has been the primary

parent. S has purposely sabotaged her & my relationship (surrogate

spouse issues), which hurts the relationship with my husband and me. A

bit ago, it was suggested a young man chant " God bless _____ in the

name of Guru Ram Das. " I chanted that 40 days each for my husband &

his daughter & during the day I've chanted it with " us " as the blank.

Things did not improve. Is there something I can chant that will break

up my obsessive thinking (I want so bad thigns to work out for all),

help me let go of the outcome, ease my own worries & concerns. In the

past week, I started with English ones, like " Lord Jesus Christ, have

mercy on us " & similar yet no changes yet. Any suggestions, ideas?

Thank you, Namaste

January 9, 2008

Dear Julia:

I read both your posts regarding this issue.

(note) They should really have been given the same title for future

reference so that those who search the archives find both articles.

Your issue is very interesting to me because it represents (in my

opinion) the reason we are here as human beings, that is to learn to

love each other. And we often find for marriage partners and family

exactly those with whom we can learn the most about love! We learn

about boundaries and respect and differences and respect and anger and

so on.

I am assuming, as I would for myself, that the reason the chanting has

not produced tangible results for you is that some lesson that is

important to learn in relation to this has not been recognized yet. It

does not mean that the chanting isn't working.

For instance have you noticed that certain thoughts occur in you as

you chant or sometime between chanting in relation to your husband and

you, or his daughter and you, or your husband and his daughter? If

fear based thoughts or judgments are lingering, they are in effect

sabotaging the chanting.

Try again and pay attention to what thoughts are recurring in you.

You probably know the following 2 thoughts yet in order to make this

post complete I will include them. If they are not useful to you, they

may be useful to someone interested in answers to your original question:

1) Love is not about changing situations to make them peaceful, it is

about acceptance first and about making peace with what is, first.

Then things tend to change of their own accord.

2) Sometimes people won't change just because you are ready, sometimes

things are meant to be exactly as they are, and it is time to take

some distance from the people or the situation so they learn from

their own interactions and you learn to give freedom - I am not

suggesting this is your situation, it is something I have experienced

reluctantly and it was for the benefit of the people I had to leave to

themselves that I had to go, and in the end it was also for my benefit.

Here's something I would work on if I were in your situaion. Even if

your husband's daughter has sabotaged her and your relationship with

each other, if you see it that way, you will never get close to her

because in seeing it that way you interpret reality with a split

between you and her, and reality need not be that way despite all

appearances (and even if she consciously meant to sabotage your

relationship). In reality people always do things from fear or from

love... but in the end they do them for love. This might be hard to

grasp. Even in causing pain to others, people cry for being loved. So

if you can start seeing your husband's daughter as someone crying for

love, then you have a chance to open up to new possibilities between

you two. You will stop thinking of what she did toward you as

something she did toward you, and as something she did to express a

need to be loved. She may think it is to be loved from her mother and

not from you... but love is love... and it is contagious. So you can

offer her love, by just being loving no matter how she is. If I am

guessing right and she really wants to be loved by her mother so bad

that anyone else is in the way of that, she will not accept you loving

her very easily until she finally realizes the reality of what her

mother can offer to her.When she makes peace with that she will open

up to being loved by others as well. Sometimes it takes a long time

for people to acknowledge that your loving nature has touched them...

it depends how long they are willing to play the game of not being

loved -- or of wanting to be loved by this one person -- and that is

in their control not yours. Your love has to be unconditional

though... no conditions of her changing attached! Just be happy to be

given this opportunity to practice unconditional love... that is your

reward and you'll experience it every time you think of it!

Blessings,

Awtar Singh

Rochester, NY

January 9, 2008

Sat Nam and thank you, Awtar. These two thoughts are pertinent in my life right

now as well. Your thoughts are most beautifully expressed. It is this very idea

which I have been focusing on, of late, and this reading gives substance to my

thoughts, as well as reinforcement in my determination to eradicate any

lingering negativities - which can be most tricky to do!

Peace, Peace, Peace,

Serena

January 9, 2008

Dear Awtar Singh,

Thank you for your insight. I've read it once ( & I know I'll read

it several more times) & I agree totally that my step daughter is

desperately seeking love from her birth mother. I have stayed in the

home because both she & my husband desperately need love. I will

step back & re-assess my thoughts toward my chanting as well as

towards her. I also realize as I am thinking on this, that I judge

the love I give as " mean " & " bad " because I am giving her a love

she's not known before: healthy boundaries, rules of behavior in

relationships, learning how one's behavior affects the whole. When

I give love like I can & with my understanding of healthy love, I

often feel bad about myself because of her reactions to me & my

husband. I have judged myself harshly, feeling misplaced & an

intruder because my ways are so different from what both of them

have experienced.

This now makes me question my definition of love, especially

unconditional. There seems, in my mind, to be a differnce between

unconditional love & healthy relationships. I have a strong belief

in healthy boundaries, respecting the space & differences of one

another, respecting the parents/owners home (that is, I follow the

rules of whomever's house I am in because I expect the same of

anyone who is in my house), following the rules of where I am

whether or not I always agree or like them. Then I ponder

unconditional love & accepting others as they are, so must I accept

their beliefs, attitudes, behaviors in my home, when I find them to

be wrong or improper? I have this quandry in myself: we have rules

for our daughter to follow, she believes them to be stupid, too

minor to matter, unimportant for what she wants to do & how she

wants to spend her time & therefore believes following them is wrong

according to her & her morals. Part of me says " our house, our

rules " & then I judge myself as unloving & unaccepting of her. I

judge myself as strict, unrelenting, harsh. Yet, the rules are born

out of her behavior & attitude. So I have these obsessive thoughts (

could go on * on with this same thread of thought), going back &

forth over the situation.

Thanks for taking the time to write, read my concerns & offer your

insights. Julia

January 9, 2008

Dear Julia:

Thanks for clarifying. No, unconditional love does not equal letting

everyone run over you.

You wrote with clarity. I understand when you are in someone else's

home you live by their rule, you expect the same from anyone coming to

your home. That is a very clear statement. Does it actually work in

practice. I mean you go to someone's house and because it is their

house you follow their rules. But what if their rule are invasive,

painful, etc.

Then you must address it in your own way. And the same is true if

someone comes to your home and find themselves uncomfortable with your

" rules " . I call this the " peace negotiations. " We all need to know our

needs to feel safe and express those that need to be shared. We cannot

have peace without this process of negotiation. By going through it

you may or not change your rules. But you will be more sensitive to

their consequences. Or if you visit someone, you may not visit them

again, but you will be more sensitive to other people's rules and how

they affect you.

So unconditional love is not about not sharing your needs. With

children we tell them what the rules are and they are expected to

follow them. As they grow and they find problems with our rules, they

are given more voice to speak up and they are encouraged to

participate in the family " peace negotiations. "

I would encourage you to explore what such " peace negotiations " might

look like in your home between you, your husband and your step

daughter. Unconditional love is about accepting them as they are

still, but being courageous to be yourself as well!

Blessings,

Awtar Singh

January 9, 2008

Sat Nam

Dear Julia:

The following is crystal clear, cold, hence devoid of emotion. It's the truth.

If read with an open mind, it will help your outlook from here-on-out. This

is probably the only correspondence from me you'll get on this thread.

1. Your ego's in a pickle because you can not (won't be able to) make your

spouse choose between you and his daughter. You'll lose any which

way you look at it. He'll either tell you to take a hike or he'll separate

from her and later resent you. You need to chill out.

2. You're masking your control-freakishness with the word love.

You're telling us that these two people " desperately need love "

and You, the " love " giver is making a sacrifice and staying in

the home to provide it.

3. God is intelligence, and you're part of it, part of God.

God is not a man, God isn't even a BEING. God is Energy of sorts,

God is the Field, the Field is God, the Field is LOVE. You can not

get more love or less love, nor can you give love or take it away.

Because Love is God, is the Field and what you're doing now is

that you're putting obstacles between you and the inherent love

that you and these people can enjoy at all times.

Think of it as if YOU are a fish and LOVE is the water where you

are swimming in. It's all around you, it's where you live, and so, to

not be in touch with the water you're swimming in, you're getting

inside a " fish shelter " , submarine whatever, where water won't touch

you. Now then, when you draw a parallel with the example I just gave

you, you can clearly see how it is only your desire for control that has

put a barrier between you and your family love.

There's no such thing as the girl's " desperate seeking love from her

birth mother " What does that even mean? You're telling yourself all these

stories that get more and more convoluted as the minutes go-by, and

you get more and more confused. In your writing you're telling us in so

many words that you're " the good guy, " but indeed what you are is very,

very confused, and blinded, and I dare say, enraged.

God is intelligence, hence cold and has nothing to do with emotions.

Emotions are of the planet earth and needed in this planet. It goes

hand-N-hand with the ego, also needed for survival on planet earth.

HOWEVER, humans get in a pickle when the ego is in overdrive

and supersedes all intelligence and puts human lives in emotional

automatic pilot (which you're driving on, my friend). Emotions are

warm, hot even; the more convoluted your story (implosion), the

hotter it gets, to a degree that at some point something's gotta give

(explosion!!) and that's what it seems you're on the verge of. If you

don't balance it with cold, or intelligence, it's gonna happen and then

you'll look around and there'll be nothing left; Just you; and you're

gonna hit bottom, and only there you'll find the lesson that this

episode's trying to show you.

If you don't recognize (and separate) the intelligence from the

sheer emotions, there's no chanting that's gonna do the trick.

And don't even bother with " unconditional " love because at this

juncture you're in no position to even comprehend what

unconditional means in this context.

If there's any hope for you to stay married with this gentleman, you'll

have to suddenly, immediately grow up and recognize that you are #2.

His daughter is #1 and that is and will be the truth for as long as you,

meaning you and them, live on planet earth. This is the state of things

and the way things will remain and there's absolutely nothing you can

do about it. If you need to stay married you'll have to recognize that,

and accept it; you will not be able to stay in this particular marriage

or in any other marriage with a child from a previous one, without the

acceptance of that plain fact.

That will be the beginning of your understanding of unconditional love.

Most marriages ARE CONDITIONAL.

The marriages of most single people, meaning without a child from a

previous marriage, are conditional, and 98% of the way that a marriage

with a child from a previous marriage can succeed is only unconditionally.

You, Ms. Julia, given the telling letter you wrote to the forum, I doubt can

take on such herculean task at this time in your life. Unless of course

you meet the pre-condition of surrender to God, which is what this episode

is trying to teach you. For your own sake, do not attempt to row against

the current.

Good luck,

Glow

juliaagnes7 <Julia.Wigent wrote: