Am I a Hindu?

March 5, 2007

I was brought up a Lutheran Christian in the US. I carry around a lot of guilt from that era, when I was particularly zealous, I would duly donate to missionary activity as a child (because my elders told me it was the right thing to do); we not only went into Asian and African countries but since Lutheranism is very critical of Catholicism and Jews we also had missionary activity among them. When I hear about missionaries encouraging Africans to hate and attack each other for going to different churches, so they can get more members......when I hear and know about the destruction of culture and deep traditions among native peoples in other lands in the name of converting them to a hard, unforgiving, hateful religion (the one I was raised in, many times as I child I would lie awake at night, terrorized in the knowing that there was absolutely no way I was good enough to go to heaven and I would be sent to hell for not having strong enough faith and self-denial to be good enough).......There is so much shame I feel because of that. I feel that I was helping to destroy the world.

Buddhism is popular on a hipster level in America and its numbers are growing. I got involved with the philosophy although I never went to Buddhist temples. I went through a long period of fear as I drifted out of Lutheranism, always afraid that if I got too much involved with "pagan religions" I would be damned. That was what I had been taught. When you are raised to believe that your eternal soul is always steered towards hell, unless you really watched out, it is a hard terror to shake.

But eventually I was able to leave Lutheranism. I had had enough. It was an incredibly difficult process to extricate myself from it. But I did and I have to say, simply for the effort and willpower involved, I am proud of myself! I started getting more into Buddhism. But I could never really call myself Buddhist. It wasn't mystical enough, I don't think it provides much for the spiritual side of things, at least my experience did not offer me that. I wasn't quite comfortable with the ideas of no-self, or what precisely the "middle way" was. I think perhaps the most useful teaching Buddhism had to offer is that as long as we cling to attachments and material objects and gain as though they last forever (which they don't), we will forever be suffering. But what if I was hungry and needed to eat? Does my craving for food constitute as suffering? In such a case, would it be better to deny myself food since it is impermanent and will only satiate my craving for a short time? I felt confused. Buddhism was a good starting point for me but just didn't have enough answers.

I read Conversations with God. Absolutely world-altering for me. It remains my biggest source of inspiration.

I felt more than ever, that the divine was in all of us. I began to see the world differently, not in the constant future/past (never present) thinking I'd been living, the obsession with constant depression, the endless worry about whether I was good enough or if we were all bound to suffer forever. I began to be able to, in a way, rise above the world and observe it from a distance. I started not just living in the tiny little microcosm of "myself" where only I mattered and thus every single unfortunate occurance that happened to me was thus magnified into an issue of grave importance, but rather to see myself as part of a whole. I began to realize that what we call "suffering" was a judgement we had made. Before then I had been obsessed with the Christian idea of heaven, where the world is made perfect for us and we all sit coddled in God's hands, but rather that the experience of pain and physical death was part of what made life worth living. It was all a matter of either getting lost in meaningless obsession (which never got anywhere) or being able to rise above the experience itself, observe it, and learn its lessons, even if it was an illusion (which it was, I felt).

And I started thinking about reincarnation. It had never really occured to me before as in my Christian days whenever it came up I just dismissed it dutifully and refused to think about it. My excuse was that if I had lived before, surely I would remember it. But I thought perhaps as a child, being raised Christian, perhaps I had remembered some of my previous experience and my mother squashed it in me to mold me into Christianity. (After all, I could read fluently and without the slightest difficulty before I attended kindergarten, understood phonics perfectly by at least age 3 and yet cannot recall where I could have possibly learned it within my lifetime.)

I started looking into Hinduism. I have never been to a Hindu temple because when it comes to non-Christian religions, for some reason I've always felt that I would be unwelcome at their houses of worship. I am a white American and people usually assume that I'm Christian. What would they think of me, if I followed some other path? Would I be welcomed or turned away?

I also had issues with the idea of God. I felt comfortable with the idea of God both being over us (in a way) and within us. And yet I wasn't totally so. I had to ask myself: Why is God, God, and I am human? Why were some born Gods, goddesses, bodhisattvas, saints, and angels, and others were not?

I've always felt a world-weariness that is hard to put into words. To put it bluntly, within this lifetime I have seen very little, yet I feel as though I've seen it all and the idea of being born again on this physical plane is horrible to me. I am tired of this world. I want to experience what lies above this flesh and blood. I had always felt that in my deepest wishes, I wanted to be a good spirit, preferably a protector of animals (my heartfelt companions throughout my life)........but I am not sure if rising to such levels of holiness is possible in Hindu theology.

This is a long post but please do not lose patience with me, I am just on a confused yet steady spiritual path that I am still exploring.

March 5, 2007

I felt more than ever, that the divine was in all of us.

This is what Hinduism teaches, especially in the school of Vedanta.

I started looking into Hinduism. I have never been to a Hindu temple because when it comes to non-Christian religions, for some reason I've always felt that I would be unwelcome at their houses of worship. I am a white American and people usually assume that I'm Christian. What would they think of me, if I followed some other path? Would I be welcomed or turned away?

You should be welcomed. I would say to visit a contemporary american Hindu place of worship, such as the Ramakrishna mission that has alot of western and non-indian Hindus. There are some "community" temples which are probably intended for a particular language-speaking group (e.g. Tamils). You may not feel welcome at those, not because they are racist but because they are not used to seeing westerners at temple and may be suspiscious of your agenda. You will find that other Indians may also not go to their temple, because they know about these things. There's no written rule to say we can't go to their temple it's just that's the way things are. People go where they fell comfortable or have a sense of community. But I think if you explain yourself they shouldn't object. If you're interested in learning or call yourself a Hindu you shouldn't be afraid of what people might think. You know yourself better than they do.

I wanted to be a good spirit, preferably a protector of animals (my heartfelt companions throughout my life)........but I am not sure if rising to such levels of holiness is possible in Hindu theology.

Yes it surely is.

This is a long post but please do not lose patience with me, I am just on a confused yet steady spiritual path that I am still exploring.

No problem, please continue to post.

March 10, 2007

Thank you.

I could picture myself becoming very comfortable with Hinduism. Although years of dividing people into "saved" and "unsaved" and "real Christians" and "false Christians" have kind of made me a little wary of selecting one religious label.

I feel a lot of spiritual potential in myself - not the kind of self-glorifying commanding prophet type but a sort of spiritual maturity that says that I've been walking around in this earthly, material drama long enough, now it is time to move on and develop further into a higher state of being. As for matters concerning this material world it often seems as though nothing that I desire ever happens, my goals concerning this aspect of reality never realized; I don't know whether this is a good or bad spiritual sign.