Michigan Retreat 2006

[Guest guest]

Michigan Retreat 2006

 

At first my friends and I thought we would only go to Devi Bhava to

avoid missing work. Then we all began having the same thought: we

have to go to the retreat! I was not sure how I could possibly do

this but knew I had to go. Not only that, I was supposed to go!

 

I had very little money. Financially things have been rough after

suffering a bankruptcy a couple of years ago. However, I remain

optimistic that somehow I would get to see Amma. After all, I had

once been very successful in business. If I could somehow go this

year, I felt that I would not need to ask for help again to do this.

Somehow Amma was going to help me get my business on its feet.

 

I recalled that Sweta had helped some devotees and homeless be

sponsored to see Amma. I contacted Sweta after seeing her help

others to see Amma at one time. I thought, you know, it's a long

shot, there are probably others needing far more than me. If it is

meant for me to be helped and to see Amma, Amma will take care of it

for me. If not, then I will recognize that as a sign that I could

not go.

 

Sweta soon advised me that there were some devotees who were willing

to assist me. I was so happy!! (I love you and kiss your feet!) Amma

really DID want me to come! It was not just my imagination. I did

not know what to expect but felt Amma was calling me to her. I was a

little embarrassed but I confess, in wanting to see Amma, I did not

care how needy I appeared. It was very humbling to ask for help. I

felt like a beggar but that was the only way I could go.

 

After registering for retreat via mail, I sent in the checks others

had provided for M.A. Center, I also had ordered an airline ticket.

The day arrived and we headed to Detroit. Upon our arrival, we could

FEEL Amma's divine presence in the hotel.. The pervasive sweet mood

of divinity was fragrant in the air. We checked in and went quickly

to our rooms. The program already began, as it was a little after

7:30 p.m.

 

We saw Swami Dayamrita sitting outside the hall. After a quick

hello, I excused myself explaining how anxious I was to see Amma. We

found some chairs and sat fairly close. The hall was packed with

people. It was a very large retreat. I tried to settle into my

chair. I looked at Amma on the stage. Expecting to feel this surge

of love and devotion, I instead, felt nothing. I shifted around in

my seat a bit more. I thought maybe I just was still unsettled from

traveling and needed to give myself time to absorb being there.

Again, this feeling came over me that I was not feeling a connection

with Amma. I sat for a while longer thinking how is this possible?

Others helped me to get there and now was it going to be a waste of

their money? How could this happen? I have seen Amma since July 2002-

and I know that each time can be different-but really, THIS

different? Why was I feeling disconnected from Amma?

 

Maybe I was just tired. However, earlier and upon our arrival, I

was full of energy and happy. I looked around and everyone seemed

blissful and happy. Many were singing along with the bhajans. But I

felt lost. What was happening to me? I did not feel I belonged here.

I started to get up and walk out but sat with this feeling and a

sense of loss. In fact, I felt my whole life was lost. What was

happening to me, my life? Where did I belong? Who would love me now

if not Amma?

 

As I continued sitting, I had this other sensation, I was not even

feeling in love with Amma. Amma, my beloved Amma! Was she abandoning

me? I began thinking maybe she is not my guru anymore. Does that

happen? I felt nothing. I could have been sitting anywhere. But here

as I sat with the one person who I always believed to be the Goddess

of All Creation, I felt nothing. Stunned and confused, I sat there

dumbfounded at this. That cannot be. If she is not my guru, who

would be my guru? I had a mantra from her. She HAD to be my guru! I

did not even feel I could call to Amma to help me. My emotions had

flattened out and I was feeling nothing at all. What happened to my

emotions? Realizing that I was sinking into a total sense of

melancholy, I sat with questions turning over in my mind-feeling

incredibly alone in this room filled with people.

 

I turned to my friend and told her about my current "crisis." I

could not even cry because my feelings were gone. I was so lost

and confused. My life turned upside down in one instant and flat as

a pancake. I kept looking at Amma hoping to discover what was

happening. My friend calmly told me, "Just keep looking at Amma. She

is just working on you. Don't read too much into it. Just relax and

be in the moment. It will all become clear over the weekend." That

was so consoling. It was like Amma herself, had spoken to me. It

just offered me some relief and took the worry away from my mind. It

was like a calm, cooling breeze settling my overactive mind. Such

great words of wisdom helped me to relax and remember that Amma does

many things to teach us about Her greatness. How quickly I had

forgotten, jumping to analyze things so quickly. I did as she

instructed and as the bhajans continued, I later found myself

crying. I don't know what Amma was doing, but she made me realize

that I am her baby. Maybe she was trying to get me away from myself

somehow in some way. My mind does not know what Amma was doing, but

I am certain that on another level, I understood.

 

I got a token for my darshan and began feeling softer as the night

wore on. After darshan, I was happier and full of joy. I felt a

greater peace. Things became more wonderful with each day of the

retreat. I attended Swamiji's talks in the early hours because

hearing him talk "live" is always so much nicer than watching a

tape. I absorbed myself into everything I could during this retreat.

 

Prior to arriving, I usually have a list of seva to do with

coordinating the Satsang. I usually work almost nonstop while seeing

Amma. It can be anything from the kitchen, to working the lines or

helping special seating or prasad. I had done just about everything

and was always willing to help.

 

My first afternoon, I was assigned to work in the kitchen. My back

has been sharply painful from a car accident and I was dreading

trying to stand very long. I arrived in the kitchen and they did not

need me. They sent me to clean pots and pans. I tried to start doing

this but it was too hard and painful. Just when I thought I could

not do this, another seva volunteer appeared who took my place.

 

The next day, I once again tried to do some seva. It turned out that

no one ever wanted or needed me. It was so unusual since I really

worked a lot during most programs ever since first meeting Amma. My

friends told me not to worry about it-that Amma was probably

teaching me to rest. With working 65 or more hours each week, the

rest was most welcome. As the retreat went on, my back was feeling

the best it had felt in months. The rest was healing my back. Even

now, writing this, it makes me cry with gratitude in knowing that

Amma was taking care of me.

 

Even Devi Bhava-no seva! I did try but everything I signed up for

they either did not need me or they lost the sheet I had signed and

it was now full. By now, I got the message. I was totally enjoying

relaxing the whole time. I thought of the book written by one of

Amma's Devotees-Amma and Me-in which he avoids seva all the time. I

had to smile about it because I remember reading it thinking, why

doesn't he do seva?! Now I understood that! Having this rare

opportunity of just enjoying Amma and relaxing was quite joyful.

 

Devi Bhava was wonderfully delightful. As I was walking with a

friend, a hotel worker was walking towards us with a broom and

cleaner. He was probably in his 20s and looked a little tired. Right

away we asked him if he had a hug from Amma yet. He lit up and said

when he first heard about our group coming, he thought we were a

little weird. Then, some other workers at the hotel got hugs and

they were so HAPPY! He said they were telling everyone that they had

to see Amma! So he really wanted to get a hug. He was even happier

when we told him we could get him into the line right away.

 

Someone didn't know to just let him in (being a hotel worker) and

wanted a token. So I gave him my token without even thinking about

it at all. Or maybe he did need one now-rules always change. But in

any case, to help him more quickly, I just gave him mine. I was so

happy that he was going to see Amma! I watched as he went up for her

divine hug. He came back and was smiling so big that his face was

almost not even big enough for his smile. He was beaming ear to ear.

He blew out a great big breath and said WOW! Wow!! He repeated this

several times. He said, "I have not ever experienced anything like

this before!" He added, "And look! She gave me an apple!" He had

stuffed his chocolate kiss into his pocket. He was like a child. He

didn't know if he could eat the kiss, the apple or what! So I told

him to eat the kiss now. And he was to eat the apple whenever he

wanted. I had him go sit with Amma for a bit. It only lasted for

about a minute because he was so full of energy and excitement that

he could not sit still! He jumped up and was ready to head back to

work. But he had a joy that showered from him and touched all of us.

 

A large group of thirty teenagers had come by bus with their teacher

to get a hug from Amma. They were excitedly talking like teenagers

do-some not sure about getting a hug. I believe all of them did line

up on both sides to go to Amma. As they walked by afterwards to meet

outside the hall to share their experiences, I could hear some of

them talking. One girl commented, "I don't know why, but I just feel

like crying!" Another boy shared, "Wow, that was really different! I

have not ever had anything like that before!" Chattering, happy and

appearing mostly blissful, they huddled together out the door.

 

For myself, I spent a good part of the night just plain goofing off

and having fun. In fact, I had not had so much fun in a good long

while. I laughed so much, joking with my friend, Bill Weiss and

meeting all the people he knows. I didn't know if I should be having

just such a rowdy good time but I was. I think I was so happy to be

around Amma and to have my back experience some rest.

 

Next, we were on a "token" scavenger hunt. A couple other friends

had also given away their tokens. It was about 2 or 3 a.m. and no

more tokens were being given out. However, none of us were worried

about it. We knew Amma would take care of us. What a far cry from my

first confused night at the retreat! We had several false alarms

about getting tokens. And some false alarms in trying to find people

who still needed some-some newcomers. It seemed we were able to help

those who needed to get tokens, to have them.

 

We were told Bhavani would give out tokens before the program ended.

After several stops and starts, we finally got tokens-though there

never was any worry. We got in line finally for our darshan. It was

early morning, though I am not sure of the time. It must have been

about 7:30 a.m. or so. We were laughing so hard all through the line.

 

I soon knew that I would have to say goodbye to Amma. I began

thinking of this and I was also thinking, Amma show me that you are

always with me. Make me see this all the time-how you are here, with

me. Don't make me say goodbye! Please do not make me say goodbye! I

could not bear this! I was so saddened and empty at the thought of

leaving Her. She pulled me close to her and whispered in my ear and

I was drowned in her bliss. Then she let me go, looked at me and

pulled me into her grasp again. This time, she said my name in the

way that I thought I had shared with some friends. I was trying to

remember where that had happened before. Later on, after talking

with my friends, none of them had heard of me telling them about

this story. Instead, it dawned on me that this was something from a

DREAM! She is ALWAYS with us!

 

As the night ended, we realized some devotees never arrived from St.

Louis. As it turns out, our airport had been closed! If we had

waited to go on Devi Bhava night, -as our initial plan-we would not

have seen Amma at all! She truly had guided us to her.

 

As I write these stories of my experiences and life with Amma, I

take so much comfort in knowing how she sees my every move, my every

breath, my every doubt, my sadness, my everything. She knows me like

no one or anything else. And She LOVES me like no one ever has or

can or will. She loves all of us.