Charlie Brown

July 9, 2006

I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with Mother, "Amma and Me," and I was

stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly described how my relationship

with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same Peanuts analogy as I have:

"Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again. How many times had this happened

to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me up and smashes me down.

I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he trusts Lucy to hold the football for him

so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the ball, Lucy pulls it away at the last

moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it, especially when that which Amma

keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means so very much to you?

I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment (less agonizing than previously),

but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice, about Amma and in general.

Tired,

Iswari

July 9, 2006

Namah Shivaya Iswari,

As my husband says, you're getting your money's worth! That's his way of

saying that Mother is

working on you. Most of us didn't know when we fell in love with this

sweet, charming

person that we were in for a bumpy ride. I, for one, read about the

miracles and the healing,

and thought She would help make me well. Here I am, still really sick as

ever17 years later.

At least I don't care as much.

Mother says, and I'm definitely paraphrasing here, she backs us up

against the

wall until we surrender. Remember Monoharan's desire for the woman, and

Mother

said "Yes" a couple of times. In the end, he doesn't get the girl.

And I take your not so nice feelings to be a good sign. You know it is

none other that

Amma who is putting you through this misery - SHE's the one holding the

reins of

your life! But She is also the one holding your hand and taking you to

the goal.

In Amma's Love,

Prasadini

ammasiswari wrote:

>

> I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with Mother, "Amma

> and Me," and I was

> stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly described

> how my relationship

> with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same Peanuts

> analogy as I have:

>

> "Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again. How many

> times had this happened

> to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me up and

> smashes me down.

> I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he trusts Lucy to

> hold the football for him

> so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the ball, Lucy

> pulls it away at the last

> moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

>

> Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it, especially

> when that which Amma

> keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means so very much

> to you?

>

> I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment (less

> agonizing than previously),

> but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice, about Amma

> and in general.

>

> Tired,

> Iswari

>

July 9, 2006

Six years ago, when I asked Amma to marry me and my husband, she said, rather

ominously, "if you ~really~ think you're ready." At the time, I sort of laughed it off,

because...well, why wouldn't I be ready to marry my soul mate? I had no idea of what was

in store for us....six years of infertility treatments (on her advice) and pregnancy loss. Not

only has she been working on me, but it's felt like she hasn't let up on me for a moment. I

am so tired right now that I can't even see which end is up...and, while part of me trusts

that all of this is for my own good, another part of me feels let down and betrayed.

This spring, we received a grant that covered a cycle of IVF. Amma very clearly gave me

and other devotees SO many signs that it was going to work out that I could not help but

believe that it was finally going to happen (and understand that after so many years of

disappointment and loss, it takes a LOT to inspire any sort of hope within me about this).

The leela that ensued was so ridiculous that I knew Amma was behind it, but I still trusted

that it would work out, as I felt she had indicated to us that it would. I had become so

pessimistic about the possibility of ever having a child that, deep down, I didn't even

believe that Amma could help me. I realized that and began to feel I should trust her.

Anyway, first I learned that was pregnant. Then, I was told I was going to miscarry. Then I

was told I was probably going to miscarry, but there was still a chance it was viable. Then,

things actually looked good for a little while. Then, I was told there was almost no chance

that it would be viable and there was concern that it may be ectopic, so they wanted to

terminate it. After all that we've been through, I could not bear to terminate the

pregnancy, knowing there was even an extraordinarily slim chance that it could be viable. I

was able to ask Amma about this via Dayamrita and she told me it was never viable and

advised me to terminate it. I was relieved to not have to second-guess, but...... *sigh*

Part of me wonders why I was even surprised. Generally, Amma won't even answer my

questions about this, except to tell me to continue the treatments that my doctor

recommends and to tell me that it'll be difficult, but she'll pray for us. The only times she's

given us any reason to be hopeful were the time that we conceived the twins that we lost

and this time. Is any indication for hope from her just a harbinger of impending sorrow!?

Is all of this just to break me down and wear me out so thoroughly that I just don't care

about any of it, anymore? It may be so, but I'd be lying if I said I feel good about it.

I know that she is causing all of this, but I'm having a hard time feeling grateful just now.

I can't imagine ever leaving her (where could/would I go?!?!), but it's times like these that I

just wish she'd cut me a break for once and let us have the family we've been longing for.

(Before anyone suggests it, we are not in a position to adopt at this time.)

Iswari

Ammachi, Prasadini <ganesh1008 wrote:

>

> Namah Shivaya Iswari,

> As my husband says, you're getting your money's worth! That's his way of

> saying that Mother is

> working on you. Most of us didn't know when we fell in love with this

> sweet, charming

> person that we were in for a bumpy ride. I, for one, read about the

> miracles and the healing,

> and thought She would help make me well. Here I am, still really sick as

> ever17 years later.

> At least I don't care as much.

> Mother says, and I'm definitely paraphrasing here, she backs us up

> against the

> wall until we surrender. Remember Monoharan's desire for the woman, and

> Mother

> said "Yes" a couple of times. In the end, he doesn't get the girl.

> And I take your not so nice feelings to be a good sign. You know it is

> none other that

> Amma who is putting you through this misery - SHE's the one holding the

> reins of

> your life! But She is also the one holding your hand and taking you to

> the goal.

> In Amma's Love,

> Prasadini

> ammasiswari wrote:

> >

> > I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with Mother, "Amma

> > and Me," and I was

> > stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly described

> > how my relationship

> > with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same Peanuts

> > analogy as I have:

> >

> > "Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again. How many

> > times had this happened

> > to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me up and

> > smashes me down.

> > I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he trusts Lucy to

> > hold the football for him

> > so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the ball, Lucy

> > pulls it away at the last

> > moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

> >

> > Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it, especially

> > when that which Amma

> > keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means so very much

> > to you?

> >

> > I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment (less

> > agonizing than previously),

> > but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice, about Amma

> > and in general.

> >

> > Tired,

> > Iswari

> >

>

July 9, 2006

Milk & Honey, Gall & Vinegar...

What is sweet? What is sour??

Radhe's tears attracted bees like nectar

Ours are salty, stinging with worldly sorrows

"This is not my body, my body is not me..."

It is perhaps no consolation now.

But let the waves rise and fall... dispassion if you can find it amidst the

grief.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Big hugs.

love, Prashanti

July 9, 2006

this is heart-breaking...i know how it is to feel betrayed by Amma

and to feel so tired with all the "leela" and disappointments...

i have no answers.

my heart cries with you,

love,

Jeanette

Ammachi, "ammasiswari" <ammasiswari

wrote:

>

> Six years ago, when I asked Amma to marry me and my husband, she

said, rather

> ominously, "if you ~really~ think you're ready." At the time, I

sort of laughed it off,

> because...well, why wouldn't I be ready to marry my soul mate? I

had no idea of what was

> in store for us....six years of infertility treatments (on her

advice) and pregnancy loss. Not

> only has she been working on me, but it's felt like she hasn't let

up on me for a moment. I

> am so tired right now that I can't even see which end is up...and,

while part of me trusts

> that all of this is for my own good, another part of me feels let

down and betrayed.

>

> This spring, we received a grant that covered a cycle of IVF. Amma

very clearly gave me

> and other devotees SO many signs that it was going to work out

that I could not help but

> believe that it was finally going to happen (and understand that

after so many years of

> disappointment and loss, it takes a LOT to inspire any sort of

hope within me about this).

>

> The leela that ensued was so ridiculous that I knew Amma was

behind it, but I still trusted

> that it would work out, as I felt she had indicated to us that it

would. I had become so

> pessimistic about the possibility of ever having a child that,

deep down, I didn't even

> believe that Amma could help me. I realized that and began to feel

I should trust her.

>

> Anyway, first I learned that was pregnant. Then, I was told I was

going to miscarry. Then I

> was told I was probably going to miscarry, but there was still a

chance it was viable. Then,

> things actually looked good for a little while. Then, I was told

there was almost no chance

> that it would be viable and there was concern that it may be

ectopic, so they wanted to

> terminate it. After all that we've been through, I could not bear

to terminate the

> pregnancy, knowing there was even an extraordinarily slim chance

that it could be viable. I

> was able to ask Amma about this via Dayamrita and she told me it

was never viable and

> advised me to terminate it. I was relieved to not have to second-

guess, but..... *sigh*

>

> Part of me wonders why I was even surprised. Generally, Amma won't

even answer my

> questions about this, except to tell me to continue the treatments

that my doctor

> recommends and to tell me that it'll be difficult, but she'll pray

for us. The only times she's

> given us any reason to be hopeful were the time that we conceived

the twins that we lost

> and this time. Is any indication for hope from her just a

harbinger of impending sorrow!?

>

> Is all of this just to break me down and wear me out so thoroughly

that I just don't care

> about any of it, anymore? It may be so, but I'd be lying if I said

I feel good about it.

>

> I know that she is causing all of this, but I'm having a hard time

feeling grateful just now.

> I can't imagine ever leaving her (where could/would I go?!?!), but

it's times like these that I

> just wish she'd cut me a break for once and let us have the family

we've been longing for.

>

> (Before anyone suggests it, we are not in a position to adopt at

this time.)

>

> Iswari

>

> Ammachi, Prasadini <ganesh1008@> wrote:

> >

> > Namah Shivaya Iswari,

> > As my husband says, you're getting your money's worth! That's

his way of

> > saying that Mother is

> > working on you. Most of us didn't know when we fell in love

with this

> > sweet, charming

> > person that we were in for a bumpy ride. I, for one, read about

the

> > miracles and the healing,

> > and thought She would help make me well. Here I am, still really

sick as

> > ever17 years later.

> > At least I don't care as much.

> > Mother says, and I'm definitely paraphrasing here, she backs us

up

> > against the

> > wall until we surrender. Remember Monoharan's desire for the

woman, and

> > Mother

> > said "Yes" a couple of times. In the end, he doesn't get the

girl.

> > And I take your not so nice feelings to be a good sign. You know

it is

> > none other that

> > Amma who is putting you through this misery - SHE's the one

holding the

> > reins of

> > your life! But She is also the one holding your hand and taking

you to

> > the goal.

> > In Amma's Love,

> > Prasadini

> > ammasiswari wrote:

> > >

> > > I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with

Mother, "Amma

> > > and Me," and I was

> > > stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly

described

> > > how my relationship

> > > with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same

Peanuts

> > > analogy as I have:

> > >

> > > "Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again. How

many

> > > times had this happened

> > > to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me up

and

> > > smashes me down.

> > > I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he trusts

Lucy to

> > > hold the football for him

> > > so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the ball,

Lucy

> > > pulls it away at the last

> > > moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

> > >

> > > Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it,

especially

> > > when that which Amma

> > > keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means so

very much

> > > to you?

> > >

> > > I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment (less

> > > agonizing than previously),

> > > but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice,

about Amma

> > > and in general.

> > >

> > > Tired,

> > > Iswari

> > >

> >

>

July 9, 2006

namaste,

when things get rough, i try to remember that Amma's Goal is to

awaken me; to awaken all of us;

for us to awaken, what has to happen?

i saw Mahoharan at Amma's 50th at Amritapuri; after all those ups

and downs, he seems to be doing really well; settled down and mostly

meditating.

hang in there with amma's blessings,

amarnath

Ammachi, "jmcs_06" <jmcs_06 wrote:

>

> this is heart-breaking...i know how it is to feel betrayed by Amma

> and to feel so tired with all the "leela" and disappointments...

>

> i have no answers.

>

> my heart cries with you,

>

> love,

> Jeanette

>

> Ammachi, "ammasiswari" <ammasiswari@>

> wrote:

> >

> > Six years ago, when I asked Amma to marry me and my husband, she

> said, rather

> > ominously, "if you ~really~ think you're ready." At the time, I

> sort of laughed it off,

> > because...well, why wouldn't I be ready to marry my soul mate? I

> had no idea of what was

> > in store for us....six years of infertility treatments (on her

> advice) and pregnancy loss. Not

> > only has she been working on me, but it's felt like she hasn't

let

> up on me for a moment. I

> > am so tired right now that I can't even see which end is

up...and,

> while part of me trusts

> > that all of this is for my own good, another part of me feels

let

> down and betrayed.

> >

> > This spring, we received a grant that covered a cycle of IVF.

Amma

> very clearly gave me

> > and other devotees SO many signs that it was going to work out

> that I could not help but

> > believe that it was finally going to happen (and understand that

> after so many years of

> > disappointment and loss, it takes a LOT to inspire any sort of

> hope within me about this).

> >

> > The leela that ensued was so ridiculous that I knew Amma was

> behind it, but I still trusted

> > that it would work out, as I felt she had indicated to us that

it

> would. I had become so

> > pessimistic about the possibility of ever having a child that,

> deep down, I didn't even

> > believe that Amma could help me. I realized that and began to

feel

> I should trust her.

> >

> > Anyway, first I learned that was pregnant. Then, I was told I

was

> going to miscarry. Then I

> > was told I was probably going to miscarry, but there was still a

> chance it was viable. Then,

> > things actually looked good for a little while. Then, I was told

> there was almost no chance

> > that it would be viable and there was concern that it may be

> ectopic, so they wanted to

> > terminate it. After all that we've been through, I could not

bear

> to terminate the

> > pregnancy, knowing there was even an extraordinarily slim chance

> that it could be viable. I

> > was able to ask Amma about this via Dayamrita and she told me it

> was never viable and

> > advised me to terminate it. I was relieved to not have to second-

> guess, but..... *sigh*

> >

> > Part of me wonders why I was even surprised. Generally, Amma

won't

> even answer my

> > questions about this, except to tell me to continue the

treatments

> that my doctor

> > recommends and to tell me that it'll be difficult, but she'll

pray

> for us. The only times she's

> > given us any reason to be hopeful were the time that we

conceived

> the twins that we lost

> > and this time. Is any indication for hope from her just a

> harbinger of impending sorrow!?

> >

> > Is all of this just to break me down and wear me out so

thoroughly

> that I just don't care

> > about any of it, anymore? It may be so, but I'd be lying if I

said

> I feel good about it.

> >

> > I know that she is causing all of this, but I'm having a hard

time

> feeling grateful just now.

> > I can't imagine ever leaving her (where could/would I go?!?!),

but

> it's times like these that I

> > just wish she'd cut me a break for once and let us have the

family

> we've been longing for.

> >

> > (Before anyone suggests it, we are not in a position to adopt at

> this time.)

> >

> > Iswari

> >

> > Ammachi, Prasadini <ganesh1008@> wrote:

> > >

> > > Namah Shivaya Iswari,

> > > As my husband says, you're getting your money's worth! That's

> his way of

> > > saying that Mother is

> > > working on you. Most of us didn't know when we fell in love

> with this

> > > sweet, charming

> > > person that we were in for a bumpy ride. I, for one, read

about

> the

> > > miracles and the healing,

> > > and thought She would help make me well. Here I am, still

really

> sick as

> > > ever17 years later.

> > > At least I don't care as much.

> > > Mother says, and I'm definitely paraphrasing here, she backs

us

> up

> > > against the

> > > wall until we surrender. Remember Monoharan's desire for the

> woman, and

> > > Mother

> > > said "Yes" a couple of times. In the end, he doesn't get the

> girl.

> > > And I take your not so nice feelings to be a good sign. You

know

> it is

> > > none other that

> > > Amma who is putting you through this misery - SHE's the one

> holding the

> > > reins of

> > > your life! But She is also the one holding your hand and

taking

> you to

> > > the goal.

> > > In Amma's Love,

> > > Prasadini

> > > ammasiswari wrote:

> > > >

> > > > I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with

> Mother, "Amma

> > > > and Me," and I was

> > > > stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly

> described

> > > > how my relationship

> > > > with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same

> Peanuts

> > > > analogy as I have:

> > > >

> > > > "Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again. How

> many

> > > > times had this happened

> > > > to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me

up

> and

> > > > smashes me down.

> > > > I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he trusts

> Lucy to

> > > > hold the football for him

> > > > so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the

ball,

> Lucy

> > > > pulls it away at the last

> > > > moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it,

> especially

> > > > when that which Amma

> > > > keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means so

> very much

> > > > to you?

> > > >

> > > > I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment

(less

> > > > agonizing than previously),

> > > > but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice,

> about Amma

> > > > and in general.

> > > >

> > > > Tired,

> > > > Iswari

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

July 9, 2006

thank you Amaranath for your kind and supportive words....My heart

cries with ammasiswari because I know the heartache she's

experiencing... I'm doing ok and am much better these days -- and

it's because of Christ (Jesus "the Christ") not Amma. This might

anger some but it's the truth.

love,

Jeanette

Ammachi, "amarnath" <anatol_zinc wrote:

>

> namaste,

>

> when things get rough, i try to remember that Amma's Goal is to

> awaken me; to awaken all of us;

>

> for us to awaken, what has to happen?

>

> i saw Mahoharan at Amma's 50th at Amritapuri; after all those ups

> and downs, he seems to be doing really well; settled down and

mostly

> meditating.

>

> hang in there with amma's blessings,

> amarnath

>

> Ammachi, "jmcs_06" <jmcs_06@> wrote:

> >

> > this is heart-breaking...i know how it is to feel betrayed by

Amma

> > and to feel so tired with all the "leela" and disappointments...

> >

> > i have no answers.

> >

> > my heart cries with you,

> >

> > love,

> > Jeanette

> >

> > Ammachi, "ammasiswari" <ammasiswari@>

> > wrote:

> > >

> > > Six years ago, when I asked Amma to marry me and my husband,

she

> > said, rather

> > > ominously, "if you ~really~ think you're ready." At the time,

I

> > sort of laughed it off,

> > > because...well, why wouldn't I be ready to marry my soul mate?

I

> > had no idea of what was

> > > in store for us....six years of infertility treatments (on her

> > advice) and pregnancy loss. Not

> > > only has she been working on me, but it's felt like she hasn't

> let

> > up on me for a moment. I

> > > am so tired right now that I can't even see which end is

> up...and,

> > while part of me trusts

> > > that all of this is for my own good, another part of me feels

> let

> > down and betrayed.

> > >

> > > This spring, we received a grant that covered a cycle of IVF.

> Amma

> > very clearly gave me

> > > and other devotees SO many signs that it was going to work out

> > that I could not help but

> > > believe that it was finally going to happen (and understand

that

> > after so many years of

> > > disappointment and loss, it takes a LOT to inspire any sort of

> > hope within me about this).

> > >

> > > The leela that ensued was so ridiculous that I knew Amma was

> > behind it, but I still trusted

> > > that it would work out, as I felt she had indicated to us that

> it

> > would. I had become so

> > > pessimistic about the possibility of ever having a child that,

> > deep down, I didn't even

> > > believe that Amma could help me. I realized that and began to

> feel

> > I should trust her.

> > >

> > > Anyway, first I learned that was pregnant. Then, I was told I

> was

> > going to miscarry. Then I

> > > was told I was probably going to miscarry, but there was still

a

> > chance it was viable. Then,

> > > things actually looked good for a little while. Then, I was

told

> > there was almost no chance

> > > that it would be viable and there was concern that it may be

> > ectopic, so they wanted to

> > > terminate it. After all that we've been through, I could not

> bear

> > to terminate the

> > > pregnancy, knowing there was even an extraordinarily slim

chance

> > that it could be viable. I

> > > was able to ask Amma about this via Dayamrita and she told me

it

> > was never viable and

> > > advised me to terminate it. I was relieved to not have to

second-

> > guess, but..... *sigh*

> > >

> > > Part of me wonders why I was even surprised. Generally, Amma

> won't

> > even answer my

> > > questions about this, except to tell me to continue the

> treatments

> > that my doctor

> > > recommends and to tell me that it'll be difficult, but she'll

> pray

> > for us. The only times she's

> > > given us any reason to be hopeful were the time that we

> conceived

> > the twins that we lost

> > > and this time. Is any indication for hope from her just a

> > harbinger of impending sorrow!?

> > >

> > > Is all of this just to break me down and wear me out so

> thoroughly

> > that I just don't care

> > > about any of it, anymore? It may be so, but I'd be lying if I

> said

> > I feel good about it.

> > >

> > > I know that she is causing all of this, but I'm having a hard

> time

> > feeling grateful just now.

> > > I can't imagine ever leaving her (where could/would I go?!?!),

> but

> > it's times like these that I

> > > just wish she'd cut me a break for once and let us have the

> family

> > we've been longing for.

> > >

> > > (Before anyone suggests it, we are not in a position to adopt

at

> > this time.)

> > >

> > > Iswari

> > >

> > > Ammachi, Prasadini <ganesh1008@> wrote:

> > > >

> > > > Namah Shivaya Iswari,

> > > > As my husband says, you're getting your money's worth!

That's

> > his way of

> > > > saying that Mother is

> > > > working on you. Most of us didn't know when we fell in love

> > with this

> > > > sweet, charming

> > > > person that we were in for a bumpy ride. I, for one, read

> about

> > the

> > > > miracles and the healing,

> > > > and thought She would help make me well. Here I am, still

> really

> > sick as

> > > > ever17 years later.

> > > > At least I don't care as much.

> > > > Mother says, and I'm definitely paraphrasing here, she backs

> us

> > up

> > > > against the

> > > > wall until we surrender. Remember Monoharan's desire for the

> > woman, and

> > > > Mother

> > > > said "Yes" a couple of times. In the end, he doesn't get the

> > girl.

> > > > And I take your not so nice feelings to be a good sign. You

> know

> > it is

> > > > none other that

> > > > Amma who is putting you through this misery - SHE's the one

> > holding the

> > > > reins of

> > > > your life! But She is also the one holding your hand and

> taking

> > you to

> > > > the goal.

> > > > In Amma's Love,

> > > > Prasadini

> > > > ammasiswari wrote:

> > > > >

> > > > > I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with

> > Mother, "Amma

> > > > > and Me," and I was

> > > > > stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly

> > described

> > > > > how my relationship

> > > > > with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same

> > Peanuts

> > > > > analogy as I have:

> > > > >

> > > > > "Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again.

How

> > many

> > > > > times had this happened

> > > > > to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me

> up

> > and

> > > > > smashes me down.

> > > > > I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he

trusts

> > Lucy to

> > > > > hold the football for him

> > > > > so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the

> ball,

> > Lucy

> > > > > pulls it away at the last

> > > > > moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

> > > > >

> > > > > Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it,

> > especially

> > > > > when that which Amma

> > > > > keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means

so

> > very much

> > > > > to you?

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment

> (less

> > > > > agonizing than previously),

> > > > > but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice,

> > about Amma

> > > > > and in general.

> > > > >

> > > > > Tired,

> > > > > Iswari

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

July 9, 2006

Dear Iswari,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know why Mother does what She does.

There is a reason beyond this child's understanding. May your heart heal.

Prasadini

ammasiswari wrote:

>

> Six years ago, when I asked Amma to marry me and my husband, she said,

> rather

> ominously, "if you ~really~ think you're ready." At the time, I sort

> of laughed it off,

> because...well, why wouldn't I be ready to marry my soul mate? I had

> no idea of what was

> in store for us....six years of infertility treatments (on her advice)

> and pregnancy loss. Not

> only has she been working on me, but it's felt like she hasn't let up

> on me for a moment. I

> am so tired right now that I can't even see which end is up...and,

> while part of me trusts

> that all of this is for my own good, another part of me feels let down

> and betrayed.

>

> This spring, we received a grant that covered a cycle of IVF. Amma

> very clearly gave me

> and other devotees SO many signs that it was going to work out that I

> could not help but

> believe that it was finally going to happen (and understand that after

> so many years of

> disappointment and loss, it takes a LOT to inspire any sort of hope

> within me about this).

>

> The leela that ensued was so ridiculous that I knew Amma was behind

> it, but I still trusted

> that it would work out, as I felt she had indicated to us that it

> would. I had become so

> pessimistic about the possibility of ever having a child that, deep

> down, I didn't even

> believe that Amma could help me. I realized that and began to feel I

> should trust her.

>

> Anyway, first I learned that was pregnant. Then, I was told I was

> going to miscarry. Then I

> was told I was probably going to miscarry, but there was still a

> chance it was viable. Then,

> things actually looked good for a little while. Then, I was told there

> was almost no chance

> that it would be viable and there was concern that it may be ectopic,

> so they wanted to

> terminate it. After all that we've been through, I could not bear to

> terminate the

> pregnancy, knowing there was even an extraordinarily slim chance that

> it could be viable. I

> was able to ask Amma about this via Dayamrita and she told me it was

> never viable and

> advised me to terminate it. I was relieved to not have to

> second-guess, but..... *sigh*

>

> Part of me wonders why I was even surprised. Generally, Amma won't

> even answer my

> questions about this, except to tell me to continue the treatments

> that my doctor

> recommends and to tell me that it'll be difficult, but she'll pray for

> us. The only times she's

> given us any reason to be hopeful were the time that we conceived the

> twins that we lost

> and this time. Is any indication for hope from her just a harbinger of

> impending sorrow!?

>

> Is all of this just to break me down and wear me out so thoroughly

> that I just don't care

> about any of it, anymore? It may be so, but I'd be lying if I said I

> feel good about it.

>

> I know that she is causing all of this, but I'm having a hard time

> feeling grateful just now.

> I can't imagine ever leaving her (where could/would I go?!?!), but

> it's times like these that I

> just wish she'd cut me a break for once and let us have the family

> we've been longing for.

>

> (Before anyone suggests it, we are not in a position to adopt at this

> time.)

>

> Iswari

>

> .

>

July 10, 2006

Dear Iswari.

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I have had a similar experience with Amma, not

overall, but around a specific circumstance with bringing a particular matter to Ammachi. I

have no spiritual advice for you nor am I seeking any. I am simply here with you offering

that I have felt the same.

One of my favorite pictures of Amma is one of her taken just before Devi Bhava darshan

begins, sitting offering light to Divine Mother.

I still, despite my frustration and questions, pray to the holy mother. I don't know what

else to do.

wishing you peace,

Upasana

Ammachi, "ammasiswari" <ammasiswari wrote:

>

> I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with Mother, "Amma and Me," and I

was

> stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly described how my

relationship

> with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same Peanuts analogy as I have:

>

> "Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again. How many times had this

happened

> to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me up and smashes me

down.

> I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he trusts Lucy to hold the football for

him

> so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the ball, Lucy pulls it away at the

last

> moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

>

> Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it, especially when that which

Amma

> keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means so very much to you?

>

> I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment (less agonizing than

previously),

> but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice, about Amma and in general.

>

> Tired,

> Iswari

>

July 10, 2006

Dear Ishwari,

I can relate to feeling similar feelings. However, although several

people around Amma are always talking about how she is "doing this or

that to them" or "taking this or that away" I don't really see it that

way any more. I think that it is just the nature of the samsara that

we experience for things to come and go and not necessarily something

that Amma, the person and our mother, is "doing" to us. I think Mother

is there to help us awaken out of this experiences of suffering which

are bound to come whether we are attached to Amma or not. Her pure

motivation is compassion for us.

And even if I am wrong and she deliberatly causes us suffering then I

think in the grand scheme of things it will really bring us closer to

liberation because she sees the big picture and we don't. I wanted to

share a story that I heard recently from a friend who's friend had

brought his son to get vaccinated. As he was holding his son down on

the table he started to scream "daddy, help me!" but when his father

continued to hold him down he looked at him with the ultimate look of

"you betrayed me!". The father felt terrible but how could he explain

to his son that this was really potentially going to save him from a

lot of future suffering should he contract a disease? So, perhaps it

is like this story with Amma too.

I pray that your suffering is alieviated.

Lily

Ammachi, "onedevima" <onedevima wrote:

>

> Dear Iswari.

>

> I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I have had a similar

experience with Amma, not

> overall, but around a specific circumstance with bringing a

particular matter to Ammachi. I

> have no spiritual advice for you nor am I seeking any. I am simply

here with you offering

> that I have felt the same.

> One of my favorite pictures of Amma is one of her taken just before

Devi Bhava darshan

> begins, sitting offering light to Divine Mother.

> I still, despite my frustration and questions, pray to the holy

mother. I don't know what

> else to do.

>

> wishing you peace,

> Upasana

>

> Ammachi, "ammasiswari" <ammasiswari@> wrote:

> >

> > I was reading Manoharan's account of his journey with Mother,

"Amma and Me," and I

> was

> > stunned to come across a passage in which he so perfectly

described how my

> relationship

> > with Amma has been feeling these days, even using the same Peanuts

analogy as I have:

> >

> > "Suddenly, I felt sick as I realized I'd been had again. How many

times had this

> happened

> > to me before? She sets me up then smashes me down. Sets me up and

smashes me

> down.

> > I felt like Charilie Brown. Every football season, he trusts Lucy

to hold the football for

> him

> > so he can kick it. And every year as he rushes up to the ball,

Lucy pulls it away at the

> last

> > moment, causing him to fall flat on his back."

> >

> > Has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it, especially

when that which

> Amma

> > keeps holding in front of you and then yanking away means so very

much to you?

> >

> > I'm feeling more of a sense of surrender and detachment (less

agonizing than

> previously),

> > but I'm also feeling a lot of things that are not so nice, about

Amma and in general.

> >

> > Tired,

> > Iswari

> >

>

July 10, 2006

Just to clarify, I am really not one of those people who is always talking about Amma doing

this or that to her or taking this or that away from her or shirking her own responsibilities

by chalking everything up to "Amma's will." But I know when Amma has her hands all over

something, because it gets extreme and ridiculous in ways that cause people's jaws to

drop and their minds to boggle (and I have noticed a pattern of these things happening in

the month or so before she's due to arrive). In Swami P's books, he often talks about

devotees wondering why their lives become so much harder after coming to Amma. At one

point, he actually quotes her as saying that she causes these hardships on purpose. I don't

think every bad thing that happens is Amma working on me, but I'm sure that this one is.

Sometimes, I think it's just our karma or even random happenstance, but sometimes I do

truly believe that she causes/exacerbates hardship. I don't doubt that it's for my own

spiritual growth and I don't doubt that it is her compassion for us that leads her to do

these things, but knowing that, truthfully, doesn't always make it much easier to take.

I have noticed that I'm suffering much less acutely now than I did before. I'm not sure if it's

detachment or just resignation. Though I'm tired and sad and sometimes wanting to shake

Amma's picture while demanding to know when it'll end...it doesn't hurt as much as it did.

Iswari

Ammachi, "ammasflower" <ammasflower wrote:

>

> Dear Ishwari,

> I can relate to feeling similar feelings. However, although several

> people around Amma are always talking about how she is "doing this or

> that to them" or "taking this or that away" I don't really see it that

> way any more. I think that it is just the nature of the samsara that

> we experience for things to come and go and not necessarily something

> that Amma, the person and our mother, is "doing" to us. I think Mother

> is there to help us awaken out of this experiences of suffering which

> are bound to come whether we are attached to Amma or not. Her pure

> motivation is compassion for us.

>

> And even if I am wrong and she deliberatly causes us suffering then I

> think in the grand scheme of things it will really bring us closer to

> liberation because she sees the big picture and we don't. I wanted to

> share a story that I heard recently from a friend who's friend had

> brought his son to get vaccinated. As he was holding his son down on

> the table he started to scream "daddy, help me!" but when his father

> continued to hold him down he looked at him with the ultimate look of

> "you betrayed me!". The father felt terrible but how could he explain

> to his son that this was really potentially going to save him from a

> lot of future suffering should he contract a disease? So, perhaps it

> is like this story with Amma too.

>

> I pray that your suffering is alieviated.

> Lily

July 10, 2006

Namah Shivaya,

In an Awaken Children Book, it says that the Guru decides when to let us experience the effects of our karma. Also, that God isn't the cause of our unpleasant circumstances, but that they're our karma. It's also said that Amma removeds 90% of our karma, & leaves 10% so that we'll learn from it. So, from the larger perspective, we may be avoiding many more lifetimes of suffering, plus 90% more karma!

Thank you for sharing S. P's words. I've also experienced some hardships just before Amma's arrival. I almost felt anxious ths year, wondering what would happen this time.

After 2 Devi Bhavas it seemed I was working off some specific karma. I imagined that I could see the possible, logical karmic cause, of one incident.

Sweta

ammasiswari <ammasiswari > wrote: Just to clarify, I am really not one of those people who is always talking about Amma doing