Amma's Darshan

June 11, 2006

Om Namah Shivaya,

I pray everyone is doing well. It has been some time since I have posted. I am writing now to share an experience I had over the past week. It started last weekend when my parents, who you all know have been trying to move back up, are at the storage facility moving furniture in. I am moving my car out of the way of other cars and scrap my not even 1 year old car all along the side. At that point I HONESTLY felt I was in a REAL nightmare and that I would wake up and it would be OK. I felt out of myself. Like this was not real. I felt this way for a week. I can't explain it any better than that. I just felt in an altered reality and I hadn't been myself. I think only a part of it had to do with it being my brand new car, I realize this was a material possession and would even be fixed. I just lost all sense of self confidence. I felt sad. I couldn't do anything right anymore. I kept SCREAMING in my head "WHAT HAPPEN AMMA!!!!" This didn't happen for lack of paying attention

because I WAS. So what HAPPENED!?!?!? Where did I go wrong? I just kept asking myself over and over AND OVER in my head "WHAT HAPPENED AMMA?What is this suppose to mean?Is this karma?Is this a lesson?Did you transform a major crash into something minor to protect me?Is this to bring me closer to you?" When I get so distraught at times I go inward and

Adriane was neglected because of it. She kept calling and calling so finally about three days later I called her back and told her what happened. It was the first time I felt any inkling of happiness. She made me feel human. She told me about her stories of silliness and suddenly I felt I was OK or at least going to be OK. There was hope. I still felt sad and a loss of self confidence and somehow I still felt like I was in a altered state?

The weekend finally came and that meant Sat Sang would meet. I called Adriane to pick me up because I just didn't feel up to driving. While I waited I went up to do Japa and after Japa I did a Puja in the Archana booklet. At the part that said "tell all your anxieties and fears to Amma"....... I snapped and let the whole weeks events pour out. How I felt my self confidence slip, how I could do nothing right for myself or for Amma I just cried like a little baby who's mother would not come to console her. I sobbed and sobbed. Later after coming back downstairs I asked Amma to please let me know she is with me and that I am not "loosing it". I had doubts as to whether I was going out of my mind! Adriane picked me up for Sat Sang, when we started I instantly went into the most peaceful mental state I had ever been in as far as I could ever remember, even in Amma's lap. I physically FELT Amma with me in my entire being. My clarity of her face was SO VIVID in my minds eye,

I had no trouble seeing her. I could have sat there all night in bliss. I was in another world for the first half of our Sat Sang. All of a sudden out of no where Amma's face comes up really big and grabs me by the cheeks and kisses me! Darshan! She put sandalwood paste on my forehead and gave me a hug. It took me a while to come back to reality after that. After Adriane dropped me off I went to bed. I dreamt of Amma ALL NIGHT long. I held her hand and walked her here and there to programs, leading here, she was like a child and I was her guardian. I drover her to different programs. I think I could have drove her to the mall and she would have went with me! lol She was mine all night. My own personal Amma! It was SO BEAUTIFUL and I feel so awed and blessed. After waking up I went to get my shower and came back to do Japa, then meditate. While I was meditating all of a sudden a bag of chips on my refrigerator feel out of no where. They had been sitting there for almost a

week. Why did they fall??!!?! Adriane told me it was Amma telling me she was with me. I can still feel Amma so strongly with me. I forgot to tell Adriane when I came downstairs after I meditated I walked into my livingroom and I could SMELL HER!!! I didn't think anything of it because I was scared of whatever fell in my house!! lol Amma has truly blessed me and I am still in her bliss. I still feel her, sense her, smell her. I'm in awe of her. Amma Amma Amma Amma Ammaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I feel like I went to a program somehow. Truly the whole event of her darshan and sitting in her presence. I'm so blessed. I haven't even seen her this year yet. I am going to Dallas and Iowa. I can't wait. I want to cry in my mothers lap and never let her go.

Hugs and Kisses

Ever at Amma's Lotus Feet,

Robin