Fwd: [grouprepertorytheatre] A Bit of Wit

[Guest guest]

>

> BRAIN FOOD??

>

> The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second

> day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

>

> Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -

> Red Buttons

>

> I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in

> California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Sheckly

> Greene

>

> A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do noth

> ing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen

>

> A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists

> are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie

> Corbett

>

> They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if

> your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure

> gonna put a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday

>

> I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna

> know your name!" - Mike Binder

>

> Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough

> to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

>

> I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must

> eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

>

> Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But

> when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve

> Bluestone

>

> Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service

> called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner

>

> Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and

> anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

>

> You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles

> a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell

> she is. - Ellen DeGeneres

>

> I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

>

> I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under

> my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

>

> The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be

> caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

>

> A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in

> business. - Shelley Berman

>

> Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation

> Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it

> back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

>

> I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -

> Dave Edison

>

> If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many

> lawyers? - Calvin Trillin

>

> Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It' s

> like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise

>

> I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

> They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

>

> I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The

> girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay

> Leno

>

> Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank

> robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

>

> Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock