Fw: NEWS 31 A / LAUGH IS GOOD FOR YOU

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How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead?

Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace

backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach

and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God,

etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how

they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since

Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they

usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work

before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have

near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life

experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those

guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I

can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone

immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the

body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light,

occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . .but soon becomes so

worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing without her" that she snaps

back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself

alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out

again....Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end.

"Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like

something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel or not

(after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back

in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating

service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different

ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get

to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral

sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a

favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she

bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely

refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all

these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about

whether the so-called organized religious have any validity atall, this stroke

of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire

of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because

there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead

Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an

instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job

evaluation" type assessment of Cap'sachievements and mistakes over the

lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to

return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physicalexistence for

long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by

consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and

rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend

to be extremely traditional, i.e., God theFather, St. Peter, the celestial

choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the

underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud

and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back

to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death

experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report

seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently

tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

How Many Members of Your Sign Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely

positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still

might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so

wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look

sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons

well enough.OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios

aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our

lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and

light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?____________________