Paralyzed over loneliness

January 16, 2006

Please consider what it’s like to have a good life you love, but to be

paralyzed because of long term loneliness or aloneness. That is my situation

it seems. I cannot go on effectively. I have lost interest in life because I

am deprived of companionship. Being somewhat manic, I am awake a lot, and

nobody is there. I am eager to talk, and nobody is there to reciprocate. I

can provide, but still nobody is there. They tell me I am handsome, makes

little difference. A real partner I’ve not had. Is this my lot? I

cannot bear it. I live in pain over this, so intense, I can barely function,

and often cannot function and become a worry to my few family members or

friends. Does anyone know how to stop the paralysis of loneliness? I know

logically my loneliness could end at any moment one day. It happens suddenly,

to meet someone special. But I am paralyzed, and it is greatly affecting my

life. Does anyone know the key? This is not just kindof, this is REALLY

PARALYZED (felt VERY intensely like a kind of very present in your face

knawing fear of lonliness-noteably a symptom of borderline PD?) Why do I write

this here- quite odd- quite honest- why? Simple- the pain is that intense, for

that long, that you begin to not care, and cynicism sets it. I’ve been

waiting a long time, trying many things. I hurt. I hurt being alone.

I’m tired of it, so big time, it’s slowing me down to nil in life.

On one positive note my ability to sing Gaelic and a few more songs went up a

bit lately. Big deal, right? At least I learned a few songs. Why am I talking

here? Nobody else to talk to. Got no friends here hardly at all. So called

well known Das Goravani barely connected AT ALL in his own town- gave it all to

his keyboard and the long distance instance. Now, has nobody to even talk to

except a list, half of whom probably think he’s crazy for writing like

this to the list. Deadish, curled up, in bed, at home, not working, near

tears, pondering dark thoughts, tried to get out and the environment

didn’t give a rip. Nothing happens. Paralyzed. Same ol lonely bedroom,

computer room, same chores, business, same everything, same alone, same me,

alone in a room, disconnected from humans. Where is my wife? I sure do miss

her if she exists.

Thanks

AIM: ROIKMACKAI IM: das_goravani

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