How Human Beans Grow

[Guest guest]

Okay, I admit, I get up early, drink coffee, and sit here wishing the email

was more exciting. Since it's not, I make it so myself. If I was married,

I'd be in bed laughing with my spouse about somebody or something and you

wouldn't be hearing from me. But here I am, single and typing to my cyber

spouse, the VALIST.

 

Anyway, why the hell do we project so much?

 

I'm going through this learning personally right now, about how being

neglected as a kid has led to me wanting to overlove somebody else,

specifically someone who doesn't respond back. Right now there is nobody to

do this with, so I'm at a loss for activity often, feeling empty and alone.

How stupid. Our systems sure work in strange ways.

 

This takes over as soon as I'm not heavily engaged in something else. As

soon as I'm not working, the mind goes to this problem, and feels the pain

of lonliness. My early life, like under 4 yrs old, is dictating so much of

the rest of my life, right now up til 46.

 

Then we read about how people who get electric convulsive shock treatement

for depression (sadness over the past really), experience forgetfulness due

to the treatments (zap-erase your brain) and thus feel better. Memories can

be painful, and continue to drive pain syndromes.

 

What might my exact Sun/Mercury conjunction in 2nd mean with Aries rising.

Sun would be my mothers mouth, and second is family. Mercury is part of my

mind, including my memory, so perhaps yelling, Sun's powerful intensity

right there, right by the Mercury. I'm trying to remember. Parents are

gone, so they're not reading this (in their bodies anyway). I remember being

left in the crib all day crying. Probably there was yelling.

 

I am always sad. It's very hard to bear. I am always sad. I have to carry

it around all day, day after day, year after year, for about 8 years now.

It never goes away. I take the meds, every day, they help somewhat. I try

hypnosis. I read. I will do more. I will keep trying. This is my "cross to

bear" as my Catholic mom used to say about whatever ails ya.

 

How to get deep conditioning out? How to get good things into the body and

mind's memories and systems? It's not easy. The body and nerves are so

densely constructed and so drawn to staying in patterns and ruts.

 

A number of my siblings are like me- struggling. It seems that the Church's

idea of the past (present?) that people should have lots of children

backfires in terms of kids growing up without nurturing in their childhood,

hence becoming disturbed later. The disturbance shows up as neediness for

love. That can easily swing over into sexual misconduct, and populate

prisons. Pope's instructions leading to prison after just 1 generation. It

happens alot. Not to me, but to less fortunate others. How many messed up

childrens of Catholics are out there? Ireland has had a real hard time with

this syndrome.

 

We also see on TV the problem with the extra Mormon children, especially

from Colorado.

 

I want someone to love me so badly, they cannot, so they don't even try, or

unless they are super woman, I can't love them. The problem stems from the

childhood trauma, and the great needs it created. Not easy to change these

conditionings and perceptions.

 

My drives, including to create great things, are linked to this wanting

love.

 

I'm seeing that my problem isn't bipolar or such, it's this huge hole in my

heart that got created early on, when I felt abandoned in an ocean of

siblings with no parents, in relative poverty in relation to the rather

wealthy neighborhood around us. You are lower, you are lower, you are

nothing, you are nothing....it was constant, and never ceased....your name

is stupid (our last name was "Wurst"), you Dad is a retard, you Mom is a

Nun, you have no money, too many kids, buck teeth, on and on...coming from

wealthy more beautiful kids of better family situations.

 

Childrens teasing words cut deep and last a lifetime. Parental neglect

forms wounds that last a lifetime.

 

I am alone. The house is dark. The light is rising slowly outside. Tuesday

Morning, my 46th year. Way up North, Oregon. The garden of vegetables I am

making is outside- I see the bean poles I just erected a day before. The

seeds are waking up, sending down a root. If the ground is right, they will

be strong. If I didn't work it or make it rich, they will be weak. The

result will be seen as they grow and at harvest time, whether it be rich, or

weak.

 

Human Beans, we are, seeking light, standing on rock, or rich soil, from the

past, where we were born, below our feet, if the fourth house, mine being

highly disturbed. Can a bean grown on sad rock ever become strong?

 

If one's "birth dirt" can best be described as sad, suicidal, and spiritual,

how can theat bean serve the others and be appreciated and get loved by

them? Will another bean ever want to be with that bean?