Guest guest Posted April 10, 2005 Report Share Posted April 10, 2005 It seems perhaps not all know that I suffer from bi polar, or manic depression. This used to be simply be called insanity, and resulted usually in being locked up for life. It¹s also been called ³madness² and ³touched² and other names. Bottom line, exalted highs, and terrible lows. Suicide is VERY high. The lows are extremely painful. The disease gives incredible insight. The desire to use that is strong, usually for good, but it¹s inaccessible, because the dreams are too great. Those few lucky ones who had the money or manpower to carry out their dreams are the greats of history quite often. I tried to make great strides in life, but the down since 2000 has been lingering, long, and strong. Today, for the last 24 hours, it¹s been very strong. It¹s still with me, but I can break through long enough to type a letter, then return to the couch, to the tears and total pain. I cannot stress to you enough how painful the downs are. Otherwise, why would we so often blow our brains out. They hurt. They hurt badly. Drinking and such things do nothing to stop the pain. It continues right through everything except opiates. Opiates are the only relief I¹ve ever found. Right now I¹m braving cold turkey (withdrawal) from them. Been on them for 3 months. I had 3 months of peace. Now I am off them, as all good things must end. I don¹t mind saying this, because nothing scares you afte you lived in hell. I am thinking it may be time to part company. I may need to do something else. I don¹t know what. I¹m thinking of going homeless. It¹s way less trouble. I¹m thinking of going away, I don¹t know where. I don¹t know what I¹m going to do. The trouble with earning money, and answering to people always is hard. Nobody helps me. Mostly I want a wife, but it never happens. If a woman cared about the world, she could back me, and I would get my power back, and make big changes in the world, do big things. That¹s always been my dream, but I must be in love. I was in love when I created GJ and this list. I haven¹t had love for 5 years and during this whole time I¹ve gotten nothing done. Today the pain was great. Still is. I¹m on many pills including Lithium, Lexapro and Klonopon, and still I feel tons of pain. I stare and mumble on the couch. I am in pain that only we know. It is like being God and Dead simultaneously, or cold and hot, or excited and sleepy, or exalted and in dread. It¹s indescribable. I wish to the Highest Heavens I could use my talents, but I¹m afraid without the love of a dear wife I will simply whither and die. I am amazed that after all I¹ve done and how I¹ve proven myself, none come forward, simply come forward, good looking, smart, aggressive, caring, able, helpful, supportive, and learned about this condition I¹m carrying. I¹m surprised. I¹m pissed. I¹m mad because of this. It¹s an awful waste of a great talent. If you think I¹m arrogant, you are not aware of what I¹ve done, nor the disease itself. Do a little web research on bi polar genius and suicide and be amazed at the names you know, the greats of history, who killed themselves in this ³fine madness². Drinking won¹t help me. Oh please. Calming things help. But they have to be really strong. Drink is not that way. Opiates and pot, skullcap, valeria, and so on, are somewhat. Lithium is very helpful. Hence we all take it. I want to teach the old ways of seeing omens to all, and I want to make people happy. I want to counter stupidity and unlearning with learning. I want to do so many things. I wish I could. I fear I will just die soon. My kids ask me to stay, otherwise, a lot of pills would end the pain. I don¹t buy all this talk of the living knowing what¹s in store for the dead so save me the ghost stories and threats, and I don¹t care what Edgar Cayce thought he knew about suicide. I don¹t believe anybody anymore. If someone would really love me, I might believe them. Astrology works. My chart is right on. So are the others I care to look at. We are in a big cog, and it¹s working, and I know how to read it, with and without charts. I am blessed with vision. I am lonley. Where is she? How come none of you answer? If you are astrologers you have to come to share some of this pain. You cannot know that there is plan and yet partake in the folly of ³free will² and all that ignorance. It is partially your avoidance of the truth which makes my life so hard. I¹ve spoken so much yet with your attachment to folly you go on believing that you control your destiny. I am mostly sad about only one thing: That in destiny¹s plan, I have to suffer this disease, which is worse than any flesh wound I¹ve known. I respect the dieing, the truly suffering, those with real diseases. The healthy who carry ignorance in their hearts and brains are children to me at best. I hope this pain lifts some day, and I again get to hold a pretty woman¹s face in my hands, look in her eyes, and smile at her, knowing she loves me. That is all I want still. I want love, from a woman, in this life, like marriage, then I want to help everyone havea a good life through knowledge of all types spreading, not the common ignorance called knowledge these days, like where doctors are taught nothing about nutrition. That is wrong. Peace to you, I hope you know more now about why I rant and rave here on this list, and that you can forgive me, for it is like having a sword through my stomach all day. Peace Ree MacQuoid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 10, 2005 Report Share Posted April 10, 2005 Hello Das, I really hope you feel better soon but have you thought about helping other people with your astrological knowledge and keeping busy that way. You are very knowledgable and your program is excellent.Do charts for people and see how many are worse off than you even. I mean it will keep you busy and could generate some income also. Regards, Hanna > [Original Message] > Das Goravani <> > valist <valist> > 4/10/2005 9:50:35 PM > For your information > > > > > It seems perhaps not all know that I suffer from bi polar, or manic > depression. > > This used to be simply be called insanity, and resulted usually in being > locked up for life. It¹s also been called ³madness² and ³touched² and other > names. > > Bottom line, exalted highs, and terrible lows. Suicide is VERY high. > > The lows are extremely painful. > > The disease gives incredible insight. > > The desire to use that is strong, usually for good, but it¹s inaccessible, > because the dreams are too great. Those few lucky ones who had the money or > manpower to carry out their dreams are the greats of history quite often. > > I tried to make great strides in life, but the down since 2000 has been > lingering, long, and strong. Today, for the last 24 hours, it¹s been very > strong. It¹s still with me, but I can break through long enough to type a > letter, then return to the couch, to the tears and total pain. > > I cannot stress to you enough how painful the downs are. Otherwise, why > would we so often blow our brains out. They hurt. They hurt badly. Drinking > and such things do nothing to stop the pain. It continues right through > everything except opiates. Opiates are the only relief I¹ve ever found. > > Right now I¹m braving cold turkey (withdrawal) from them. Been on them for 3 > months. I had 3 months of peace. Now I am off them, as all good things must > end. > > I don¹t mind saying this, because nothing scares you afte you lived in hell. > > I am thinking it may be time to part company. I may need to do something > else. I don¹t know what. I¹m thinking of going homeless. It¹s way less > trouble. I¹m thinking of going away, I don¹t know where. I don¹t know what > I¹m going to do. The trouble with earning money, and answering to people > always is hard. Nobody helps me. Mostly I want a wife, but it never > happens. > > If a woman cared about the world, she could back me, and I would get my > power back, and make big changes in the world, do big things. That¹s always > been my dream, but I must be in love. I was in love when I created GJ and > this list. I haven¹t had love for 5 years and during this whole time I¹ve > gotten nothing done. > > Today the pain was great. Still is. I¹m on many pills including Lithium, > Lexapro and Klonopon, and still I feel tons of pain. I stare and mumble on > the couch. I am in pain that only we know. It is like being God and Dead > simultaneously, or cold and hot, or excited and sleepy, or exalted and in > dread. It¹s indescribable. > > I wish to the Highest Heavens I could use my talents, but I¹m afraid without > the love of a dear wife I will simply whither and die. I am amazed that > after all I¹ve done and how I¹ve proven myself, none come forward, simply > come forward, good looking, smart, aggressive, caring, able, helpful, > supportive, and learned about this condition I¹m carrying. I¹m surprised. > I¹m pissed. I¹m mad because of this. It¹s an awful waste of a great > talent. > > If you think I¹m arrogant, you are not aware of what I¹ve done, nor the > disease itself. Do a little web research on bi polar genius and suicide and > be amazed at the names you know, the greats of history, who killed > themselves in this ³fine madness². > > Drinking won¹t help me. Oh please. > > Calming things help. But they have to be really strong. Drink is not that > way. Opiates and pot, skullcap, valeria, and so on, are somewhat. > > Lithium is very helpful. Hence we all take it. > > I want to teach the old ways of seeing omens to all, and I want to make > people happy. I want to counter stupidity and unlearning with learning. I > want to do so many things. I wish I could. I fear I will just die soon. My > kids ask me to stay, otherwise, a lot of pills would end the pain. I don¹t > buy all this talk of the living knowing what¹s in store for the dead so save > me the ghost stories and threats, and I don¹t care what Edgar Cayce thought > he knew about suicide. I don¹t believe anybody anymore. If someone would > really love me, I might believe them. > > Astrology works. My chart is right on. So are the others I care to look at. > > We are in a big cog, and it¹s working, and I know how to read it, with and > without charts. I am blessed with vision. I am lonley. Where is she? > > How come none of you answer? > > If you are astrologers you have to come to share some of this pain. You > cannot know that there is plan and yet partake in the folly of ³free will² > and all that ignorance. It is partially your avoidance of the truth which > makes my life so hard. I¹ve spoken so much yet with your attachment to folly > you go on believing that you control your destiny. > > I am mostly sad about only one thing: That in destiny¹s plan, I have to > suffer this disease, which is worse than any flesh wound I¹ve known. I > respect the dieing, the truly suffering, those with real diseases. The > healthy who carry ignorance in their hearts and brains are children to me at > best. > > I hope this pain lifts some day, and I again get to hold a pretty woman¹s > face in my hands, look in her eyes, and smile at her, knowing she loves me. > That is all I want still. I want love, from a woman, in this life, like > marriage, then I want to help everyone havea a good life through knowledge > of all types spreading, not the common ignorance called knowledge these > days, like where doctors are taught nothing about nutrition. That is wrong. > > Peace to you, I hope you know more now about why I rant and rave here on > this list, and that you can forgive me, for it is like having a sword > through my stomach all day. > > Peace > > > > Ree MacQuoid > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Links > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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