Re Myself and Sateesh

[Guest guest]

For some reason, Sateesh's words towards me didn't hurt, at all. So there's

no need to worry.

 

Also, to state what others may not realize, Sateesh is the very first person

I had a negative exchange with on this list, for he was one of the first to

join right after I started it. We've always had a funny relationship. I feel

like we're squabbling siblings. I have changed alot, and he remembers the

stages, and sees the changes, calls them hypocrisy, which is fine. It's

really development more than hyposcrisy. I've simply changed, alot.

 

In fact, to be honest, these are facts: I've changed alot over time, no,

wait, not changed, 'manifested myself'. I've always been who I am, the same

person, but I was very afraid to be me. Over time, the few friends I got,

were coming from my diseased state (local friends that is). I had a long

relationship which doesn't help me or give me what I need, and I had other

friends who represented my non-self-love. I'm having to shed those. I live

very alone with only my daughter around now. It's a transitional period.

 

In the early days I told Sateesh, amongst other things, that I didn't want

people discussing personal matters on the list. Perhaps a few of you

remember those early times. It was the very first weeks of the list's life.

I stopped saying that after a week or two. He remembers, and punishes me for

talking extensively over the years about my own chart. True, it may seem

hypocritical. I accept that fact. Again, it's like a sibling more than

anything.

 

I don't know what he means by "you don't know the story" though, because to

me there isn't one. Maybe he thinks or knows things I'm not aware of, as he

seems to talk about me to others, so maybe there's something there he feels

is significant. For myself, he's a brother with whom I've bickered, and

nothing more. Perhaps he just means the things I'm mentioning. I know for

sure I'm a nice guy, but one who has an utter identity developmental crisis

spanning years, and quite public. This may change now.

 

I actually kindof like him for his directness, and his knowledge, which is

obvious. He's also a very handsome bloke to top it off. What a guy! Really!

He's important.

 

I've watched him, Mu Min Bey, and some others, go from knowing nothing of

Jyotish, to everything, since I've known them. It's quite impressive. It

shows the success of the whole field spreading, of which I've been some part

and for that I'm happy.

 

I really have no negative feelings about this, it just is. It doesn't hurt,

again. So no need to worry after it, but I thank those who wish to support

me anyway. I appreciate that. I really don't feel any actual attack coming,

it feels like something else, but I don't know what, perhaps sibling

rivalry.

 

I pray now for the strength to finish purging old and unhelpful

relationships from my life which I started while in tremendous doubt,

growth, pain, delusion, perplexion. I've been perplexed, which is hard for

me, because a great portion of me is not perplexed by life or anything in

it, at all, and that's the part that knows God and Goddess as everything,

and knows devotion and simple peaceful living for the One, as everything.

 

As one of you said, then Pearl's posting said, we are all linked, and we

represent to each other parts of ourselves. We are the Jyotish family on

Earth, or a great part of it. The 700 people here are serious about this to

a great degree, and represent these ideas. We are helping each other by

hashing these things out. I am learning. I feel like I'm in final stages of

my midlife crisis, my depression, and a very serious portion of my life's

maturation. Sateesh's comments to me are a part of that. It's myself

vomiting up alot of what I've been. I thank him. He is in me and I in him,

and we have to deal with it. We don't have to be one, but we have to know

that each other exists just as many things live in our minds and intellects,

and we have to learn how to file all these matters inside ourselves towards

finding inner peace.

 

My posts lately have resulted in tremendous gain for me, clarification in

important relationships I have on this list and off, as well as this kind of

thing. It's all good. I am happy about it inside, though it's been hard. I

do get harmed temporarily by adversarial dealings, as do we all. But in the

end they help us, teach us. I deserve, on one level, everything he has said

to me. It's not without base in fact. Like, I have "switched sides", alot,

so it seems. Again, it's more "coming out" and "self acceptance" than

switching sides.

 

Thanks to you all, and I wish for peace for Dinanath Prabhu as well, and I

have no intention of removing Sateesh from the list. I wouldn't have removed

Dinanath either, except it seems his only purpose in being here was that

one. He wasn't here before, and didn't seem to want to do anything else

while here. I just thought it was better for us all if he didn't run that

private negative matter here. I wish healing for all involved in that one.

 

I have greatly compromised for others for years, and now I cannot (speaking

of my personal life). I am greatly challenged right now in a few key ways,

from financial to friendships and romance. I am sticking with God and

Goddess closely in my heart, to bear the fact that I am constantly alone, do

not want to go anywhere as there is nothing to go to, around here in Eugene,

that I need or interests me, and I have to work for financial reasons, alot,

and accepting all this is somewhat new, because for years I was seeking

refuge in certain others who gave me none, and yet took my brilliance like

they breathe air, and I got drained. Yes, I am challenged these days, but

I'm not running. No meds, no drugs, no running. It's going well, but it's

hard. I am growing up into who I am now moreso than ever before. Sateesh is

my brother making sure I know of my past mistakes. This is good. He's a

mirror to me of what I've been. It's worthwhile for me to listen to.

 

das

[Guest guest]

Das,

 

thanks for the explanation. I over-reacted. Not surprising considering

what's been going down this past week. I should know better than to

intervene in the weird little games that men play.

 

Robyn

 

 

-

"Das Goravani" <>

<gjlist>

Sunday, October 06, 2002 3:30 PM

[GJ] Re Myself and Sateesh

 

 

>

> For some reason, Sateesh's words towards me didn't hurt, at all. So

there's

> no need to worry.

>

> Also, to state what others may not realize, Sateesh is the very first

person

> I had a negative exchange with on this list, for he was one of the first

to

> join right after I started it. We've always had a funny relationship. I

feel

> like we're squabbling siblings. I have changed alot, and he remembers the

> stages, and sees the changes, calls them hypocrisy, which is fine. It's

> really development more than hyposcrisy. I've simply changed, alot.

>

> In fact, to be honest, these are facts: I've changed alot over time, no,

> wait, not changed, 'manifested myself'. I've always been who I am, the

same

> person, but I was very afraid to be me. Over time, the few friends I got,

> were coming from my diseased state (local friends that is). I had a long

> relationship which doesn't help me or give me what I need, and I had other

> friends who represented my non-self-love. I'm having to shed those. I live

> very alone with only my daughter around now. It's a transitional period.

>

> In the early days I told Sateesh, amongst other things, that I didn't want

> people discussing personal matters on the list. Perhaps a few of you

> remember those early times. It was the very first weeks of the list's

life.

> I stopped saying that after a week or two. He remembers, and punishes me

for

> talking extensively over the years about my own chart. True, it may seem

> hypocritical. I accept that fact. Again, it's like a sibling more than

> anything.

>

> I don't know what he means by "you don't know the story" though, because

to

> me there isn't one. Maybe he thinks or knows things I'm not aware of, as

he

> seems to talk about me to others, so maybe there's something there he

feels

> is significant. For myself, he's a brother with whom I've bickered, and

> nothing more. Perhaps he just means the things I'm mentioning. I know for

> sure I'm a nice guy, but one who has an utter identity developmental

crisis

> spanning years, and quite public. This may change now.

>

> I actually kindof like him for his directness, and his knowledge, which is

> obvious. He's also a very handsome bloke to top it off. What a guy!

Really!

> He's important.

>

> I've watched him, Mu Min Bey, and some others, go from knowing nothing of

> Jyotish, to everything, since I've known them. It's quite impressive. It

> shows the success of the whole field spreading, of which I've been some

part

> and for that I'm happy.

>

> I really have no negative feelings about this, it just is. It doesn't

hurt,

> again. So no need to worry after it, but I thank those who wish to support

> me anyway. I appreciate that. I really don't feel any actual attack

coming,

> it feels like something else, but I don't know what, perhaps sibling

> rivalry.

>

> I pray now for the strength to finish purging old and unhelpful

> relationships from my life which I started while in tremendous doubt,

> growth, pain, delusion, perplexion. I've been perplexed, which is hard for

> me, because a great portion of me is not perplexed by life or anything in

> it, at all, and that's the part that knows God and Goddess as everything,

> and knows devotion and simple peaceful living for the One, as everything.

>

> As one of you said, then Pearl's posting said, we are all linked, and we

> represent to each other parts of ourselves. We are the Jyotish family on

> Earth, or a great part of it. The 700 people here are serious about this

to

> a great degree, and represent these ideas. We are helping each other by

> hashing these things out. I am learning. I feel like I'm in final stages

of

> my midlife crisis, my depression, and a very serious portion of my life's

> maturation. Sateesh's comments to me are a part of that. It's myself

> vomiting up alot of what I've been. I thank him. He is in me and I in him,

> and we have to deal with it. We don't have to be one, but we have to know

> that each other exists just as many things live in our minds and

intellects,

> and we have to learn how to file all these matters inside ourselves

towards

> finding inner peace.

>

> My posts lately have resulted in tremendous gain for me, clarification in

> important relationships I have on this list and off, as well as this kind

of

> thing. It's all good. I am happy about it inside, though it's been hard. I

> do get harmed temporarily by adversarial dealings, as do we all. But in

the

> end they help us, teach us. I deserve, on one level, everything he has

said

> to me. It's not without base in fact. Like, I have "switched sides", alot,

> so it seems. Again, it's more "coming out" and "self acceptance" than

> switching sides.

>

> Thanks to you all, and I wish for peace for Dinanath Prabhu as well, and I

> have no intention of removing Sateesh from the list. I wouldn't have

removed

> Dinanath either, except it seems his only purpose in being here was that

> one. He wasn't here before, and didn't seem to want to do anything else

> while here. I just thought it was better for us all if he didn't run that

> private negative matter here. I wish healing for all involved in that one.

>

> I have greatly compromised for others for years, and now I cannot

(speaking

> of my personal life). I am greatly challenged right now in a few key ways,

> from financial to friendships and romance. I am sticking with God and

> Goddess closely in my heart, to bear the fact that I am constantly alone,

do

> not want to go anywhere as there is nothing to go to, around here in

Eugene,

> that I need or interests me, and I have to work for financial reasons,

alot,

> and accepting all this is somewhat new, because for years I was seeking

> refuge in certain others who gave me none, and yet took my brilliance like

> they breathe air, and I got drained. Yes, I am challenged these days, but

> I'm not running. No meds, no drugs, no running. It's going well, but it's

> hard. I am growing up into who I am now moreso than ever before. Sateesh

is

> my brother making sure I know of my past mistakes. This is good. He's a

> mirror to me of what I've been. It's worthwhile for me to listen to.

>

> das

>

>

>

>

> Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya; Hare Krishna; Om Tat Sat

> : gjlist-

>

>

>

> Your use of is subject to

>

>