Mysterious Conditionings

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone,

 

So I post these things I posted, and I don't know how many read them

anymore, but some do, and some write to me to help.

 

One thing that stops, baffles, some, is they say to me "how can YOU be

unhappy", and I think many don't say it at all, just think it and dislike me

for speaking these things out at all. I get such letters. Angry ones.

 

Well, firstly, let me assure you, that for many years now, I live in

constant pain. It hurts so bad on an emotional level, that there is a belt

of metal so it feels, across my chest. Feel it for a moment- a heavy band of

steal on your chest, bearing inwards, causing you to want to cry, heave,

shortness of breath. It's not from smoking, because it can go away

temporarily if I receive some sort of break, some imaginary moment such as a

friend holding me.

 

It's very real, I assure you. Please, IT"S VERY REAL. I wake up in horror,

go to bed crying, and inbetween just pace and cry, lie in dead pain, wait,

hope, pray, that it ends, consider constantly the pros and cons of ending it

myself. It's very real, and if you think I'm lieing, you illusioned there.

 

The other day I saw a prominent psychic/kineseologist visiting Eugene. She

located this very fast, and she was right. She hit the points that matter

and revealed them fast. That caused me to write the matter of fact bio of

how I feel about my life.

 

You have to realize that I met Jyotish and all of you while in pain. The

whole experience of me in the world as you know me, happened, started, in

the midst of my first major depression, and the dep. has just continued, for

all these years, 9 years. I've been struggling the whole time.

 

It's very real that I was rejected. Very real. Until I met you all, I had no

sense of being anything special, no sense of being known, no sense of

mattering. Sure, I had a few ups in life, like I used to say "I skipped

fourth grade" as some sort of honorary badge of quality. That's rather all I

had that stood out I felt.

 

When my first Guru loved me and I him, and we travelled together, I was

prominent in a way, in the Hare Krishna movement, but still just the guy on

the side, whereas he was the focus, rightly so. He was the Guru, I was just

his servant. So I met many greats, and learned alot. I was still just a guy

like the rest in the movement, and known to be a little strange, a little

flamboyant, not really surrendered. Factually, it was just the early signs

of needing approval.

 

I realize now that I have been struggling to gain love all along.

 

Because I was programmed to rise and rise and rise and seek approval, no

woman I ever was with was good enough because they were NOT having the same

fury as I to rise and rise and rise.

 

Now that I am sitting here alone at 42, nearly broke from years of

depression, my only choice is to again rise. I have to to simply pay the

bills. I have to again struggle hard in a tenth house way, to rise above the

debt, and move on. OK, I think I can do that, finish GJ3.

 

But please understand, I'm a famous person who FEELS like CRAP all the time

because nobody is with me. I feel, that nobody appropriate wants to be with

me. Either they are way older, married, or so religious that they want to

put those rules onto me, preach to me some new Gurus glories, or just make

fun of me. There are woman who want me, but they fall into these categories

and it's therefore impossible. I'm a novelty at best to the ones who are

closest to appropriate. I wish there was one who just wants me, is single,

is my age or less, isn't coming with their own massive baggage as either fat

or addictions or something, and has a job or a life or something, or is

capable of just being mine, which is also fine. I haven't found anything

that works.

 

Think of it this way: I've always been an orphan. It hurts, OK?

 

I know that I am loved in the other way, in the world, for what I've done,

but I did all that struggle quite possibly just to get what I'm talking

about. It's not like I was balanced. I was RACING 24/7, as I will have to

now again for survival.

 

The psychic located that I am tired, very tired, of working and supporting,

standing up for, being there, holding the flag, etc. It's true. Very. I need

to relax, but I cannot.

 

I just popped up at 5 AM which is late for me, as usual for years, in a

flurry, like jumping out of the way of a speeding car. This is normal. I

then recoil in the dark room in panic, run to email, and see once again,

nobody is there, saying, "what about me", or "I want to be with you". Never.

then I cry, and the day begins normal.

 

It doesn't matter if you're a millionaire, or world famous, if you don't

have what you need and want, you feel terrible. Many famous and rich people

have killed themselves. This is why. That is not what they needed or wanted.

They were deprived, and ultimately couldn't take it any longer.

 

I have seen poor nobodys who are way happier than I. I see it all the time.

So, having things other than the primal things, is not going to make you

happy.

 

It's true I have everything else I want, and I get so much respect, and I

have good looks, good health, a good brain, everything. But I'm here on this

computer, as usual, as for 15 years, and nobody around, as always.

 

A few good souls, like Al, Pearl, Patrice, Jesse, Sabine, Curtis, Sean, and

many of you, many others, and others not on GJLIST, have supported me

emotionally over the years, tried to help me, and it has. The guidance

package I've gradually accumulated over the years is making a complete

picture for me. I am feeling progress. This is so deep, it takes so much

time.

 

I was born under "FULL jupiter", as in Full Moon. I mean, it's so good. And

it's final dispositor. It's at 9 degress in 9th house and 9th sign and owns

7 vargas, aspects lagna to exactness, holds the tenth lord, karma-dharma

yoga, and so on. God is with me. This is in the chart. Right after birth

God was there, on high, big time. It has shown. Deities have talked to me.

 

But when you walk around with a lump of cancerous rejection from woman in

your heart, from mother, no father, etc., it's just an awful pain. So I have

this thing to overcome, a great challenge. I have a great challenge.

 

Many good woman who are loving have wanted me. But, should I be with someone

just because they love me if I don't feel the same in reverse? Many have

been angry at me for not wanting them, including woman much older than

myself. They've made it clear. This all hurts very badly.

 

So please do not think ill of me. This is very real. Everytime I try to date

or talk to an appropriate woman, ie, my age or less, single, not ugly, I

just get rejected. I don't know how to make it happen at all.

 

Anyway, the issue for me now is not them, but me. I need to be OK just being

me alone. I need to work, get back to life, without modern meds. If I can do

this, I imagine I can preach it to the billions of disenchanted rejected

pain ridden souls who are eating themselves to death (common), or doing

other negative behaviors as reflections of their own pain.

 

We, those of us with these strong inner problems, must find a way, or die. I

know many who are wallowing in pain as I am, for one reason or another. To

overcome this pain is our challenge, to make goodness in our lives or pain,

is our challenge.

 

The psychic I met with, not surprisingly, was an orphan, a mexican woman

rejected by family, given for adoption, raised in orphan homes, and has had

to give up a child, and has just been through hell. But she is very

positive, and always says "Hey, this is going to be awesome", constantly.

She obviously has developed some survival techniques.

 

Picture a group of children. Picture they are all equal, standing in a

circle, and they are all smiling. See a teacher with them. See the adult

suddenly pushes one of them out of the circle, for no apparent reason, and

acts as if that one is rejected, if only for five seconds. Then lets the

child back into the circle.

 

That child, will, no matter what, never forget that, and will always think

that it could happen again at any moment. They will have a watchful eye out

for the next sudden push out of the circle. This is just fact, and it's

real, and I just thought of it. That is what's happened to me. I am always

uptight, watching for the next push out, the next rejection. I wish someone

would see I am good, and stay, and not reject me.

 

It's not that I didn't have a father, I had NEITHER.

 

Lately I've had this big family picture up in my room, as if it's my deity,

with all my brothers and sisters and parents on it. However, in fact, in

truth, I feel no connection to them. It is just pain. I want to take it down

now, and put it away, as I have for 23 years. I think I must to move on. I

think I must forget my childhood completely and stay away from them all

completely, or something. I don't know. It's so painful.

 

Goddam tears, always.

 

I'm sorry to bother those of you who feel that way from me. Of course,

they're not reading this far I suppose.

 

This letter has no other points. Oh well. Now it's just work, again, as

always. Oh well. Better than being totally destitue, and homeless, and

rejected, and old, loveless, alone, like many people truly are.

 

Lately I thought I would help the disenchanted, so I went out and did that.

I helped really down and out people on the streets. I did. With money, hugs,

shopping spreas, home visits, love, whatever. It's a bottomless pit of pain

out there in the world, that's for sure. In my business, I never say no to

anybody, from free to real low price, whatever is needed, I give. I've also

given in the software, ie, I don't break it up into modules for sales

purposes as do other companies. I try to give all I have, all the time. I am

a really giving person in person and in work.

 

So anyway, don't think ill of me for what I post. It's genuine calling out,

and all I've said in these posts is true, not fabricated.

 

Thank you for your time, and may you be free from such extreme ongoing pain,

 

 

Das Goravani, President

 

2852 Willamette St, #353

Eugene, OR, 97405, USA-America

Voice: or in America

fax: 541-343-0344

 

 

http://www.DancingMoonInc.com