One different

[Guest guest]

I was born as the first unwanted child of my mother. The seventh of 11. I

spent my childhood in a crib in my own urine. I cried all the time.

 

When I was very young, seeing that my parents were miserable, and hearing

that Kennedy was shot dead, seeing the pain and grief of the world, then MLK

shot too, then the priests at Church preaching something that sounded pure

and good, whole and complete, so I wanted to help, by being one of them, a

priest.

 

My first painting was of a Celt in India, running from Arrows. I still have

this painting. I remember while painting it, that the Celt was bad, and

deserved to be shot, but I could empathize, because I was one. I was

confused by this, at 5. It was a past life. I was in India, but a foreignor.

I was both. I was Hindu, but white. I knew the sciences, but my body caused

problems.

 

My first day in school was marred by a molestation of my being by another

child. I will never forget it unfortunately. Then my siblings tried to take

me apart, as I was the imbalance. There was already the wanted 3 boys and 3

girls. I was very loving. They took me apart for it. I had no defense, as I

was passive to the core. I bore total abuse from family and friends as a

child. I felt alone, and slept in urine.

 

I excelled at school, but was always rejected. Maybe because inside myself I

always asked "why is everyone as they are, it isn't going to work for them

and the planet". I knew this from day one and I see it is true. Before I

could understand speaking, I watched TV. I can still remember it clearly. I

remember thinking "that won't work" (meaning the way people are) This was

1962

 

As I grew, I realized I had the best brain around. It was obvious. So they

skipped me through 4th grade, from 3rd to 5th straight. The numeric

significance of this is immense, but I won¹t go into it, except to say, 4 is

the foundation of materialistic culture, and 3 and 5 are of femininity and

grace.

 

Now my siblings and friends despised me more. I got insults always for my

large head. Everyone joked about the size of my head in youth, for it was

larger than normal.

 

I retreated into my own head, and prayed for LSD. Having heard it allowed

one to see fantastic things, I longed for it. The years passed in pain. I

tried to make friends, but it didn¹t work. This was my Rahu dasha. My

childhood was simply painful inside me. My mother and father were in pain

always, and not in love. It was awful for an aware being to witness. I

longed to stop my mothers pain. I couldn¹t feel my father at all. I felt

sorry for him though, seeing that he was going down. I saw pictures of his

friends from the way holding cut off Japanese heads. This had a tremendous

impact on my calling.

 

Four sisters came after me, and I changed their diapers and played with

them. They gave me some friendship. Then my father was sent away, and things

got worse in the house.

 

At 13 many things happened. I entered high school (always one year younger

than everyone else, which harms you, really). I grew my hair. The girls

loved me, but I couldn¹t relate to people, for they didn¹t love Christ and

God enough. I played guitar all the time and prayed to become famous, I

thought ³like Paul McCartney², so that I could preach love of God, and

Peace, from the microphone that everyone was seeming to pay most attention

to, as it was clear they ignored priests. My sweet lord, was the song of my

heart.

 

I got very good. I slid into music college after a high school of good

grades, love from authorities, and constant drugs to keep away the pain of

the normal world. I had no interest in the normal world. Riding home each

day on the bus, watching the world spin in hallucinations, yet still being

able to function fully in all spheres of life, I knew: ³This polluted city

(Oakland California) of buses, cars, sad people, angry blacks, partying

Chicanos, rich whites, etc., it¹s going to fail. It¹s not based on working

principles. My society ³sucks². The east is calling. It is better, being

based on spirituality. But I was 13, 14, 15, etc. Nobody cared what I

thought, but I knew the truth, and I knew that I knew the truth, but had to

hold my tounge. I thought one day I¹d be famous, and be able to teach, and

someone would love me too.

 

I had girlfriends, but it didn¹t work out for real at all. I saw it was just

a game. They didn¹t understand as I did. They were ³normal².

 

I slid into music college easily with a full scholarship including all

expenses. It was wonderful. I did well, and was loved by many. I loved life,

myself, everyone, I was in bliss. It was Jupiter Venus I think without

looking at my dashas to confirm. 1977 through 1979

 

After a couple years of tons of drugs, sex, music, rock and roll, and so

forth, I lay in a field one night near Porter college at UC Santa Cruz, to

which I recently returned for a Tirtha of my own meaning, and I re-realized

that I was called to serve, and not party, age 19, 1979. The partying wasn¹t

doing anything for me. I was like a witness to it all, simply seeing that it

was there, real to others moreso than to me, and I felt alone and separate,

for I didn¹t have a brotherhood of servants of God around me, and I wasn¹t

doing anything for the solution of the Earth¹s serious problems (based in

the human race). I was ³enjoying² with everyone else. I wasn¹t ³fixing² it

at all. And by the way, I have always hated alchohol. Especially beer. It

tastes TERRIBLE to me still. Everyone was loving it. I could not understand,

and still do not.

 

One day I met the Hare Krishnas, and eventually soon thereafter renounced

meat eating and joined. I haven¹t eaten any meat, fish or eggs thereafter

for the last now 23 years.

 

When I joined, I instantly loved it. I became a fanatic. After 3 days one of

the 11 worldwide Gurus made me his personal servant and travelling

companion. I went around the world with him a few times preaching. I was

very happy. I thought I was spreading the answer with God¹s direct

representative. This seemed very normal to me. I felt I was finally in my

right place, at 19 years old. We became VERY close.

 

But the movements strict rules ate him, and his peers, eventually, as one by

one they fell from their vows. Havoc set into the movement, and it has been

decreasing and dieing since. I got married at 21 in a blind way, no nothing

before marriage, no kissing, hand holding, nothing. I didn¹t know my wife

really, but got married as per the Hare Krishna way at that time. It was

1981.

 

Because the rules said so, and I was a fanatic, I had children the strict

way, two in a row, so that they would not be alone, and entered a long phase

of being a father and bread winner. I did well enough. Gradually we worked

our way up until years later we were quite wealthy. My wife was a good

mother, and I a good father. We raised our children in love and plenty. I

always stayed close to the movement, but eventually also ended up in the

corporate software world.

 

Through those family years I always wished for the day when I would fulfill

my dream, of being famous, SO THAT I could preach love of God and help the

world. I knew I could teach it. I knew it inside me. I felt it clearly. I

knew how things truly are in spirit and nature, how we must be to have peace

and not destroy earth. I could do those things. I could live simply, I had

done it. I loved everyone, and this was proven to me as I lived with simple

brown people all over the world, and rich white people too. I went

everywhere, and felt no hatred for anyone. I knew NOTHING of histories of

strife and DID NOT CARE for I knew that such memories would ruin our

opportunity for peace now on Earth. I wondered why Jews held onto that

identity, at the cost of peace, and others alike, that¹s just one example.

Each time I saw national or racial identity being talked about in a mournful

way, I knew it was a waste of energy that would lead to war only, and I was

right, still.

 

I went on working for my family, and dreaming only about how to preach. This

was my only thought always, ³how to preach². How to make it happen on Earth.

What to do FANTASTIC to cause a stir. I thought of self sacrifice, like

Jesus, and thought ³such a price paid is significant, so no wonder it caused

so much good in others, caused so many missionaries trying to go out and

help others². I thought Jesus was good, very good. I loved the Jesus story

and path, but knew that the knowledge was with my India, my Vaisnava Gurus,

and Hinduism, it¹s culture, was something that we could learn from, and

should follow. I didn¹t see anything Western to compare at all. Even Jesus

wasn¹t Western really.

 

I did not understand hating blacks or mexicans, though I was supposed to

kindof. I didn¹t. I liked everybody. In college I had an Iranian Jewish

girlfriend. This was not bad in any way to me, but my mother wouldn¹t even

look at her. She was dirt to my mother. She didn¹t even acknowledge this

beauties existence. The girls entire family was killed by the Khomeini in

Iran. How could my mother reject her for her skin color, religion, the

religion of Jesus, and after all, she was so bereft of family now. All of

this, puzzled and burdened me. I loved my mother, but I didn¹t like her. I

loved Soheyla, and my mother did not. I was sad.

 

The movement called me, and I gave up Soheyla, for she wouldn¹t join. We

cried alot, and parted.

 

After a few years of travelling with that Guru, my sexuality returned too

strongly, so I desired to marry. At 21 I married, and he rejected me, even

cutting all my pictures of he and I together apart himself. He was very

hurt. He wanted me to stay celibate with him. I understand now, how lonely

he must have felt. I was, in a sense, his wife. I was his companion. He lost

me to my wife, and was feeling hurt and rejected. I didn¹t understand this

at the time. I wondered how God¹s perfect representative could act that way.

In anger, he assigned me to be the president of the Portland Oregon temple,

so off I went with my new wife, and we did well. We renovated and

re-enlivened that temple tremendously.

 

During those 14 months we got pregnant, and he went way down. He descended

to strange actions, was arrested a few times, and suffered alot internally.

I gave up the spiritual initiation and moved out of ISKCON to the Sridhar

Maharaj temple in San Jose. I felt again under great spiritual shelter, and

was again happy.

 

However, feeling devoted to Prabhupada, I felt guilty for leaving HIS

movement to that of HIS Godbrother¹s, and so I felt I must return, to be

true to Prabhupada. So I picked the ³strongest² of the remaining Gurus, and

moved myself, wife, and 11 day old daughter to England to serve in

Bhagavan¹s ³zone². I lasted 4 months, before realizing, I could not handle

ISKCON any more. It was ³behind² in Vaisnava reasoning, and I couldn¹t buy

it any longer. It was 1983.

 

So we moved into the London chapter of Sridhar Maharaja¹s temples, so we

went back to Sridhar Maharaja. This temple was destitute and dismal. So I

set out to change that. I personally rebuilt it¹s insides, that is, with

wood, tiles, paint, Tulasi house, etc. I did wonderful work. After a few

months we had an impressive Indian style temple room, very colorful, with

arches and such. It helped ALOT. The temple continued to grow and bet

better.

 

Sannyasis ran it. They stopped while travelling and lived there briefly too.

They were going through their own stuff I suppose. They were anti sex to the

extreme. I was having sex. But I was their main man. It was a living

oximoron problem. They were on my case, and relying on my energy. This

became the pattern of my life since.

 

After some months, I couldn¹t take it, and moved into a friends apartment

with my daughter and wife. We had always lived together in one room in

temples, and did so here again. One night while cooking, my daughter was

burned there, and my life changed alot.

 

After 45 days of recovering in Guys hospital next to the London bridge in

London England, we moved back to America, loaned the money by a Catholic

priest known to my mother. We moved into my mothers house, as we had

nothing. We were rejected by all the family, of course, because we didn¹t

fit in. After a few months I had a good enough job, and moved us out, back

to San Jose, to be close to the Sridhar people, of whom I was one. I finally

got initiation in 1986, after years of flip flopping.

 

I have not mentioned additional trips to India, which taught me much, both

good and bad, about Vaisnavism, about devotees, about Gurus, about truth,

God and religion. It was a very long, hard, sad time.

 

In 1986 in San Jose I began my corporate sojourn which ended in 1994 with

bankruptcy, depression, and Jyotish. During these corporate years, I was

very successful. I wrote two programs still in use in big corporate america,

in newspapers and phone book industries. I was a database maven, and wrote

many database programs for many companies. I travelled alot all over America

training users, and installing networks to run my databases. I learned

computers well. I only however always thought

 

³How to get on with my lifes work. When will I preach. When will I spread

love of God in this sick society that needs it so bad.² This was my only

meditation, the rest was just to pay the bills for the wife and kids and my

life at home.

 

During all this time, ever since 19, I believed only in Krishna, and

Vaisnavism. I thought all else didn¹t work fully, was not nearly as good,

including all ³new age babble². This is a standard Hare Krishna thought at

the time, in that age, and I was there fully.

 

The years wore on, my kids grew, and my wife and I grew apart. I was in the

world, she was at home. She remained in a kind of happy with friends Hare

Krishna consciousness, but I festered, not being happy with the preaching

movement at all, and not being happy that I was away from it, and not being

happy with her thoughts about marital love, and not being happy that I spent

all my time supporting a family that didn¹t make me happy. I loved the 3 of

them dearly, but I wasn¹t ³receiving what I needed or wanted².

 

In 1993 and 94, inside me, the ability to ³go on² started to wane. I was

tired. I had done alot. We were wealthy and well situated, but I was fat,

and unhappy. I sought love outside, but this never worked really, but it did

work to ruin my marriage further, even ³fully².

 

In 94 I collapsed in depression, and had a vision of Vaikuntha, given a tour

by a Hanuman like character. I entered a type of bliss. I started

programming Jyotish, and dropped everything else. My wife worked away, and

got a taste of separation, and liked it, obviously. I died all the more. She

really went away from me, never to return. The kids and I moved to Badger

California, a Hare Krishna community. I began selling the Jyotish software

from there. I met a whole new world of people, you all, at that time. It was

challenging, because I was taught to not like you, your Gurus, like

Maharishi and ALL others, and I was taught your meditation was bogus, didn¹t

work, and was ³Mayavad². I believed all of this fully, and so, as I became

³friends² at first, it was tense for me. It was beyond tense. It was

confusing. I was your enemy, pretending to be your friend. I was very

confused.

 

I entered more depression, and the devotees began to reject me. They would

not associate with me. Eventually, I decided to leave my family, and I moved

away. I paid their bills fully, but my kids and wife stayed there, while I

lived in Novato alone. I tried to date, but woman didn¹t like me. I was too

much of a spiritualist, not normal, too needy, etc.

 

I crushed and died in pain, crying all the time, sitting underneath this

rich house in the Novato hills in their ³studio for rent². I was in a case,

and crying.

 

After 4 months I returned to my wife and kids, in great resolve to just

accept her the way she is, with her new Guru, and lack of respect and love

for me. I just wanted to be with my kids.

 

On the DAY I returned, I met a woman who I eventually switched to. She and I

were going to marry. We were in love, but both of us were currently married.

I divorced my wife for her as planned, but she never did the same.

 

I continued on hoping she would commit, but she never did. This is when I

moved to Crest drive in Eugene. I had to move from Badger because the

devotees were very threatening to me by now. They physically threatened me

regularly, because I was ³so sinful². (Having a married lover, who had a sad

husband who was a ³Prabhupada Disciple², a type of ³higher² status at that

time.

 

So I moved to Eugene. She moved with me eventually, but still never

committed. She held onto the other, and always spoke of leaving me. I tried

hard to please her. I was in total infatuation with her. I was in great

pain. Eventually she moved back with her husband, and is still there to this

day, still saying I should accept her in that state, though I never see her,

since she moved back (Œnever¹ in MY book)

 

 

During these years, which started in 95 and ran up until a year ago, I kept

trying to get her to change, and commit, and be happy with being my wife,

but it never worked. Side by side, that is all the years that I met all of

you through this list, through GJ, and so on.

 

Knowing that I still wasn¹t happily married, I kept seeking, and also hoping

maybe that woman would change. This hope, longing, and trying, never

succeded on any front. I have, in truth, been hoping for a simple, happy,

committed relationship, where there is not some Guru tearing my wife and I

apart always, in the mix. This is why I sometimes attack Gurus. I have seen

how they meddle and ruin marriages, over and OVER again in many lives

examples, including my own.

 

My succes in Jyotish, much to my surprise, was MUCH MORE than I ever dreamed

of. Not only was I good at it, but everyone seemed to love my program, my

writings, and so on. I became somewhat ³famous², though I was living in

constant pain. I became somewhat of a teacher, mentor, savior, prophet, to

MANY who wrote to me in great love and thanks. My real world of love and

relating became you all, the Jyotishis out there.

 

Well, like I said, you are all, unless Hare Krishna, supposed to be

thoroughly ³bogus², and worthy of conversion to our faith. So it was a

dichotomy par excellence, and I suffered.

 

So I was sitting there, month after month, from 95 til now, constantly being

loved by people I wasn¹t supposed to be talking to, and this girlfriend, she

kep that up.. always putting all of you down. Whenever I would tell her that

I got a nice letter from one of you stating your appreciation for me, she

would say you simply wanted to either have me as a lover, or were a stupid

guy with no brains. In this way, none of the love was valid.

 

I felt I wrote real things about real spiritual life and values and

knowledge, so when say an Indian professor wrote in appreciation, it was

very real to me. Not to her. I had two worlds, and the one at home didn¹t

love the one you are all a part of.

 

Also, I had to change. I had to review my philosophy. If these people were

good, you people, non Hare Krishnas, God forbid, even MEAT EATERS sometimes,

then how could I hold onto ³Hare Krishna² alone as I had for so long. I was

very confused in this part of me, but I went on, kept on going, trying to

understand. My spouse was ZERO help. I would go to her husbands house where

she lived for love, and was always or often rejected. I felt terrible.

 

Eventually I just started smoking cigarettes and pacing back and forth on

the driveway. This went on for years. I lost all my Hare Krishna friends,

had lost my wife, rejecting her for this terror woman, and now I lost her.

It was just me and my kids. It was about 1998.

 

I started to take anti depressentes, saw counselors and got high. I was in

constant pain. I began to become unable to work. But, I pushed on, and in

that state, wrote an amazing program called GJ3. It really is awesome. I

wish I had the will and energy to just make a beta CD so that you all could

see it, but still, I cannot. I am still just pacing and smoking, though

finally off ALL drugs.

 

Anyway, back to the story in a proper line of time: As I deteriorated while

writing GJ3, I changed alot. I came to accept everyone, and since HK land

seemed now so cold and foreign, I stopped all associating there. I stopped

being an HK really, though I never gave up the core beliefs, and still have

not.

 

As the years of 98,99,00,01 and now 02 passed, it was the same pattern:

Smoke and toke all day, work on GJ3 if possible, and cry. I saw nobody. I

reached out to you all many times. I saw counsellors and shrinks, many. I

gradually deteriorated. The things I wanted, love and preaching, were dieing

and not happening. I had no love, and couldn¹t preach, because, I was simply

by now becoming a loser letch.

 

In January of 00, I attended Sedona. I had GJ3 with me, nearly done. Nobody

even stopped at the booth to see it. Nobody. Not one. There was s stench

from an overflowed sewage system at the hotel. I sat there for days smelling

shit, listening to my overdressed non loving girlfriend bitch about

everything, and I died. I came back and wrote a blistering letter to the

world about how much I hated you all, your Gurus, everything, and then I

really collapsed. Since then, I have really worked at all, being unable to.

 

Since then, the name of the game was just don¹t kill myself. Thats all. I

have lived on for my kids alone.

 

GJ226 was done, and good enough to where sales have supported us, but all¹s

I¹ve been able to do is the bare minimum to keep this business shipping this

old version. I have lived in constant pain due to sorrow over the failure of

my original life purpose, and the failure also of my love life. These two

things are all that matter to me- to have a companion, and to serve the

mission of knowledge of God on Earth.

 

I turned 40, the line at which lifelong I had drawn for myself as the ³do or

die² point. I always thought that by 40 I would be happily married and

preaching well, having success at chaning this dieing materilistic society.

Now I¹m 42, and nothing has changed since I was 35.

 

I have gradually risen about anti depressents as a solution. I don¹t need

them anymore. I suffer, but why take pills that do nothing but harm your

brain? (my truth at this time, not necessarily your truth)

 

I have gotten back to a more active life, but still cannot program on GJ3. I

am frozen. I have been saying ³2 months² for two years, but nothing moves

forward. I¹ve done counseling, pills, trips, excercise, tried on new

headspaces, tried dating, prostitutes, charity, everything. I¹ve tried

EVERYTHING. I even put up posters around town. Nothing has gotten me

meaningful friendships (local), or love, or success, or gotten me back on

track. I have met many lauded ³great healers² and ³great teachers², and

after all, none of them could switch me back on.

 

I want so badly to be back on, to have a meaningful happy life again, but I

can¹t seem to set the switch right. I have had many send me Reiki, flowers,

gifts; I¹ve gotten free sex, massage, postcards, good words, lots of

counseling. Nothing works.

 

The doctors say the next step is Lithium. Part of me says the next step is

to walk away from my life and either die, or just go to a cave and live in

mindlessness. I¹ve also thought of becoming a street person, and simply

bothering society by being weird and strange, with a religious undertone,

until they either shoot me or I die. Kindof like Jesus, I feel like

destroying the money changers or anybody else involved in obvious taking

from this corrupt system which destroys people.

 

The other day I went into a Catholic Church for the first time in 23 years,

and bowed to Jesus, and meant it. I saw a mass, and saw that everyone is

sick, not well physically or emotionally, for I know what they eat

generally, so there¹s no way they could be healthy. They are being

victimized by corporations who make ³food² like Wonder bread and Pastries,

pop tarts, kellogs cereals, and other dead cardboard foods. (what to speak

of meat and alchohol)

 

I see that Hare Krishnas are often no better. There is no culture of healing

built into these religions which I¹ve been a part of. They arenot healthy-

they are one side, pure ³above². Pure Patriarch. Not much concern with our

feminine sides.

 

Here in Eugene there are many who are lesbian and bi sexual. It¹s rampant.

They tatoo greatly, body pierce, and reject priests, reject religion, reject

men, and definitely Jesus. They are right in some ways, but it¹s a

reactionary imbalance, again. This is NOT a solution, just a vindictive

reaction.

 

Religion, God, Morality, Ethics, are no longer vouge, at all, here. I am, a

fossil. Woman do NOT like to listen to me here, at all, in general. The only

woman it seems who like me, are always older than myself. From older woman,

I get total support and love. I have a number of very supportive older woman

friends.

 

My hopes for Jyotish have not fructified. Those with money just want to

exploit it for more money and power and control. Those without money seek to

find their money through it, or some sort of relief. I was hoping to prove

to the world, the world at large, not the world of already believers like

you all, that this is real, and thereby, use this as a tool for world

change. If the world knew, most people, like through CNN reporting, through

Oprah, through PROOF from UNIVERSITIES, that this is real, what we all know

to be real, at least I can see it¹s real, then I figured, the world would

change, as it¹s a very different paradigm.

 

But this hasn¹t happened at all. Instead, I am sunk in talking to and

supporting thousands of users and others, who simply talk about mundane

drivel, the kind I was trying to always get away from. Everyday I get

letters, but they are ALL selfish, help me here, help me there, my love, my

money, my lost investments, my body....

 

I have GREAT sympathy for the suffering, for that IS WHY I LIVE MY LIFE THE

WAY I HAVE. I was BORN into total suffering, and am a priest for this

reason. But, I am a healthy, handsome, intelligent WARRIOR FOR GOD, and I am

wondering where the hell are my godbrothers and helpers, and where is my

wife???????

 

I feel very alone, not for the usual reasons, but the unusal reasons of

wanting to really make a change. I am a General, a Leader, of the Change

needed on Earth, and I have done alot, tried hard, announced it, cried out,

and still, what do I hear:

 

Deepak Choprah wants me to set up his website, and it¹s not what I¹m into,

it¹s again, not the thing. It¹s again, just catering to people¹s ignorance,

encouraging selfishness (your potential dot com) is going to ultimately be

about self, not service and change.

 

Other Hare Krishnas call with the same thing. People want to vulturize me,

but nobody wants to do what needs to be done. I feel like the last crusader,

and I should have just died instead.

 

I know so many things, see so many things, can explaing anyting, understand

anything, but nobody cares to be with me, just take and leave. Always. I

feel so leached and drained, so stolen from and left alone to die. Raped.

 

I can¹t program anymore because nothing good in my mind has come of it.

People write and say ³oh but good has come², but I cannot see it. I am

driving old cars, driving around crying. I literally cry all over town, and

nobody knows me. They laugh at me. I look like an aging hippy who¹s lost his

mind.

 

When I talk to a woman holding a baby, the baby cries when they see me, out

of fear, for I look like a tree who has taken human form, or something. The

pain on my face is turning into permanent tear lines or trenches.

 

I think about sacrificing myself on a mountain, arranging for my own

beheading. I would probably do it if it weren¹t for my children, who would

die under any such legacy. I have no remorse in posting this. I have no care

for what I¹m saying. I¹m not ashamed or shy about it. I am sick of how this

world works, how people are, and what they are not.

 

I KNOW FOR SURE that all my life I have tried to do good. I have done

NOTHING but sacrifice for others. Whether others know this or not, I have

ALWAYS acted out of knowledgeable concern and love for them all my life.

>From 5 years old I have always thought ³let me be a channel of your peace,

my lord².

 

Now I think, that perhaps He does not exist at all. Perhaps the Celts and

Zen folks are right, there is no God Supreme, only constant energy exchange

within a void. I have served and served and believed and preached, but

nothing has changed for me, nor the world, and I just rot.

 

When I read the ways that I¹m supposed to be healed, I see solutions for the

lives of the normal. Nobody writes solutions for the life of Jesus say, the

one who is pure in intent, bent on service, bent on effecting change where

it is needed.

 

Are any of you desperately daily suffeing just knowing there is an ozone

hole? Do you see everyone¹s illusions and love them, and wish to protect

them, educate them, CONSTANTLY. People tell me to take more, but I cannot. I

cannot play that game. I only want one truly saintly person who is not

frigid to be with me to love me. That illusion even can keep me going,but

the reality would be better.

 

³Oh Das, sorry to hear you¹re suffering, get better soon Buddy, and say,

could you do this for me....²

 

No, not any more.

 

r