a bereaved mother- CHANDRA DEVI

[Guest guest]

Dear Jayshree ~

It was so good to receive your reply. Thank you!

I want to tell you that I have not transcended the grief! Grief is

a very powerful teacher. It has disrupted my sleeping patterns and

taken away a sense of safety that I took for granted before the death of

my son. It is the most powerful and complex set of emotions that I have

ever known before and it gives rise to longing for my son which is

also more poignant than I have ever experienced in this

lifetime.

My grief is unpredictable and easily triggered and when it hits, I am

flooded with emotion, which has caused me to stay very close to home and

not attend social functions. I never know what will trigger it either.

Recently I was at the market shopping for groceries and the boy at the

checkout was a friend of Michael and Dustin. He said hello to me

and asked me how Dustin is doing ... I told him

quickly and left the store before my tears revealed my pain. As I walked

to my car, fighting to keep it together ... I realized that when

the clerk asked about Dustin ... and not about Michael ...

that it meant that Michael was really dead. Which is something that

I have to keep reminding myself of over and over and over again.

Because my mind is still not used to this sudden huge change. I

have naturally withdrawn from many activities that I used to participate

in because the grief is so preoccupying and unpredictable.

But I have learned that I must somehow work with this thing called

grief. I watch and notice my thoughts and I see that it doesn't

serve me to think about the way that Michael died; or to imagine

how he felt or to wonder if he was afraid ... those kinds of thoughts are

self-defeating and don't serve Michael or me or anyone. Everytime I

catch myself thinking these thoughts ... I just whisper ...

"lovingly in the hands of the Father"

.... and I remind myself that the way that we die is really

just a formality, a WAY that we can leave the physical body when it

is our time to cross over. I remind myself that what really

matters was his life. I tell myself that if it was his time to

die ... that he couldn't have avoided it no matter what

.... that even if he would've stayed home ... he could've slipped on a wet

tile and died ... while .... if it was NOT his time to die ... that

nothing could have killed him.

know that being human means that I only know a little bit about the

bigger scheme of things.

I have a very subjective or worm's eye view of the world while our Loving

Creator has the Bird's eye view .. understands the plan ... and knows the

bigger picture. I cannot control events. I can only work

with them as they arise.

The thing I am most thankful for is my inherent faith in God.

Without that, I would be in dire straights.

Please feel free to contact me off the list if you would like to keep in

touch and chat back and forth. I send you a very big hug

Jayshree.

Best wishes always ~

Chandra

~

I am attempting to embrace it and allow it to become part of my

beauty. It has humbled me and deepened my heart.

At 05:58 AM 8/16/02, you wrote:

Dear Chandra,I cannot thankyou

enough for your loving words.You are walking in my very shoes.How you

have transcended this terrible grief and come to this point of universal

oneness is beyond me. But I do know by sharing my despair on the list and

crying over our terrible loss together has helped me take a step forward.

You are doubly blessed - both in kindness and largesse of heart.That is

all I pray for that no parent should undergo such heartwrenching grief.

Forgive my limited thinking but I am learning-one small step at a time.

God Bless.jayshree.

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Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya; Hare Krishna; Om Tat Sat

: gjlist-

 

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