From Me to the List, Personal

[Guest guest]

Hello List,

 

This is personal, from me to you. That may seem funny, but

you'll see, it's not.

 

I have openly exposed my plight to the list before, so it's

not new to you that I suffer in depression. Well, it's time

for me to express a bit more detail, and ask a favor.

 

I am a very fine being, with great sensitivity, and an

amazing brain. Many think so, perhaps some of you. The fact

is, yes, I have that, and, I have other things that go along

with a certain life pattern that isn't new with me.

Fortunately, I'm not the first, but I'm suffering, because

I'm not "adjusted" yet.

 

There are those of us like me, and it's documented in

"touched by fire" by Kay Jamison. In short, I cannot do my

life alone. I just can't. For example, I just go hungry all

the time because I cannot cook, nor can I shop, usually,

because there is too much stimulai out there for me. I end

up crying in stores and so on.

 

This is not the case when I have a spouse. I always had a

spouse, ever since I was very young, until about 3 years

ago. At that time, Bernadette moved back in with her husband

and ever since I've gotten nothing done at all. The business

ran only because sometimes I could do it, sometimes my kids

did it, and often Bernadette did it even though she didn't

live with me. We would have this on/off relationship, that

has killed me. What I feel as betrayal and longing for her

has turned me into jello.

 

I am coming out and admitting that I'm going down. The only

reason I'm still here is the software is so good it still

sells, but v2 can only sell so long. 3 is not happening

because of this problem. I do nothing all day, because I

hate being alone with well a passion so strong you could say

I'm phobic about it, yet I'm always alone. I do nothing at

all. I'm a zombee. I'm in pain.

 

I realized only in more recent times what goes on with me.

It's like this: The way I see life, that is, Vedicly,

combined with the way my brain works, which is "overtime and

complexly" combined with my alone life style of live/work in

same two rooms, all combines to make me basically "float

away" into a spiritually based world which is real if you

ask me, but I can't run my life from there. The only thing

that grounds me is a woman who loves me. That's it. Nothing

else is of any interest to me here. Period.

 

But I love it here, when she's around. She was around, in

the form of my wife, for many years, then that went South,

and then as Bernadette, then she went away, then nothing,

for 3 years, during which, you all wonder, where the heck is

version 3? It's nearly done, and it's been that way since

Jan of 2000.

 

I do not eat or bathe regularly, I cannot stop crying, I

cannot work, I cannot even want to go to bars to try to

start a relationship with someone who knows nothing about

this world of mine, which you all do know something about.

You all do. That's why this is from me to you.

 

You see, I really do not have anywhere else to turn that I

know of, not easily.

 

My family does not understand me. They do not accept that

you exist, most of them, and they do not accept basically

anything I say. They are very normal, and I haven't even

gotten them to square one of knowing who I am or what I do.

They are rather not at all clued in to me. When I call them,

it's a burden, only. They think of me only as their "very

sick brother", and that's been true since I joined the HK's

23 years ago, although lately it's augmented because they

can see the "official stamp" of the fact that I've been

prescribed anti-depressents.

 

I'm hoping somewhere on this list is someone who is somehow

able to understand me and somehow able to be or connect me

to a woman who would like to live with me for at least a

little while so that I can ground and get my business back

under way and saved from immiment peril that is now

threatening it.

 

I have no embarrassment in asking for this help because I am

who I am. I am indeed the image. I am this guy who has his

head in heaven, and channels that to earth, and loves it,

and has a hard time coming down, and loves life in a grand

way, and shuts down completely in childlike tears when

there's nobody around because he feels utterly unable to go

out and meet people, and ends up sneaking around stores on

his tip toes with all muscles tightened wondering what

people think of him and on and on, all because, I ain't

grounded, because I'm not very normal, I'm not very much of

this place, and practically everybody bores me, because they

don't have any knowledge or passion, and I like both in one,

and skyrockets.....

 

Yet, I just like working in peace on a computer, because

there you can make music, writings, video, software, etc.,

and communicate to the world, which is what I want to do and

have always wanted to do.

 

Only since Bernadette left was I alone. These last 3 years.

First time in my life. Now my kids are moving out. There

both halfway out and I'm helping them, but I'm alone most of

the time, cuzz they're always gone. They're growing up,

that's fine. I'm happy about that. No problem. I even figure

that not having them around will after all make me a little

more available, which is good for finding somebody to spouse

with.

 

Anyway, if you care about me, my work, the GJ software, all

of the above, the things I could do if I survive, exist,

work would be even better, all of which would happen if I

was just loved by the appropriate woman, so, then would you

please help me find her?

 

Even like I said, someone coming here temporarily would help

me tremendously.

 

I may write lucidly, but when I get up, I will do nothing.

Days will pass. I never do laundry. I hardly eat. I can't

remember the last hot meal I had here or anywhere. I live on

Chocolate Soy Milk, pretty much. About a half gallon to a

gallon a day. Cost about $5. Tastes good. I'm never hungry.

I'm losing weight. I have emotional pain constantly due to

lonliness, but I can't leave or get out, because without

that thing switched on in my life, I rather cannot do

anything it seems. This what I've learned, in my exposure to

lonliness in the last 3 years. I've learned, slowly, to cry

out to you. I've learned to write this letter, with it's

contents.

 

Please, I'm not normal, and I'm going down. I'm a positive

type of not normal. I'm a polymath, a genious, but I'm

constantly battling intense levels of self medication to

fight the wrything pain of panic attacks, which have only

appeared in my life due to this lack, of "anybody around". I

simply cannot handle being "out of love" or "out of being

with someone", even if temporary and not totally attached.

But best is feeling secure and safe, in love, in commitment.

 

The work you all know me for, was all done when I was in

relationships. No matter how bad they were, if there was a

"spouse" living with me, I somehow programmed and worked in

general. I have not done anything since that was not the

case because I cannot. I cannot get past mysocial dilemna of

total aloneness, combined with, that I am not exactly

capable of being focused on what I do, and just be who I am,

and be in this world, shopping, laundry, cooking, etc.,

plus, I have no motivation to do anything without a spouse,

NONE. It's sad. So many people say "We love you", but it

does nothing at all in me, nothing. It makes no motivation I

mean. It doesn't solve my problem at all, and I want to give

them back more work, oh god do I!!!!

 

I want to do so much, I had so many plans. They could all

come back on track if I was sleeping with a woman, had

someone around who cared about me and for me, a bit. Other

"geniouses" were worth it, and others were not discovered

til they already had killed themselves, which I have often

thought of. It's so painful, and nobody takes you seriously.

Everybody thinks you're lieing or something. I'm not lieing.

 

My brain works very well, like the scene in "A Beautiful

Mind" at the beginning, where he sees how the oranges match

the guys tie with sunshine mixed in a touch of crystal...

 

That's what I see like, OK? Is that clear enough? I can

stare and laugh, and I do, I see patterns and all kinds of

things. I have "A beautiful mind" indeed, but then I don't

care about nutrition, cannot, simply cannot, it seems. I

have to accept this. I haven't eaten in ages.

 

The only person who really knows me well is in inner

conflict on how she feels about me, and this is Bernadette.

She has been my only contact in human form for years, other

than an occasional drop in from a couple other semi close to

close friends, but these separations of time, they're weird

to me, I'm not from this place, I don't get the social

patterns at all, they make no sense, way too unloving.

 

She is never around. I'm in peril. She doesn't care, really,

and chases other people away. I need help. I do. I don't

have anyone else who understand me to turn to. I am telling

you clearly all these things. I'm not kidding. It's not a

joke. I'm just being honest, because if I don't, bad things

are going to start happening soon for me, and I was always

hoping to save this grand life I've built, and it is saveable.

 

I turn on like a light bulb under the expression of a woman

loving me, who is appropriate for me, I have to add, since I

get many proposals but it seems they are always from married

woman, or, older than me, or both.

 

But anyway, I'm saveable, and therefore so is everything I

do. I hope that it matters to someone, the right person. I

accept if it doesn't. I think I'm worth saving. I'm not

doing good. I'm being honest.

 

At some point you have to be honest. The message machine is

overloaded, always. I never return calls, or emails, and I

haven't shipped charts or demos in months. The work is piled

everywhere, nobody is getting serviced, even orders.

Everything is in place for work, because setting it up is

easy for me. And I'm sitting there, in the room, but like a

zombee, in pain, or crying, or lieing down doing those two

wonderful activities, or writing poetry. That's about it.

When hungry, drink chocolate soy milk. End of hunger.

Shower, when absolutely unbearable not to any longer. Take

garbage out when it blocks the door.

 

Look everywhere in psychic paranoia when walking. See many

things, angles, beams, rays, all kinds of things other

people don't see or hear. Hear thoughts like words, feel

behind me before seeing, hear everything, and see

everything, so clearly, that I have to squint intensely at

all times outside, and look down, walk on specific angles

across parking lots, and so on. I have never told anyone

this, now I'm telling eveyrone, because, it's unbearable,

life is unbearable, the suffering is intense, and the woman

who was supposed to by my love is killing me, though I

believe she doesn't mean to, it's happening though.

 

Yes, I am suffering, and yes, I am blatantly reaching out

for help in a specific way. I am being specific because all

my hints have never worked. You are my family. I don't have

anybody else. Thank you for listening. I don't have any

friends hardly in Eugene. I have to say hardly because I

have one that will be pissed if she hears I said "none". But

basically, fact is, ok, I'M ALWAYS alone. Get it. I don't

have any.

 

OK, so, if you can help me, do, if you cannot, thanks

anyway, really. And I don't need other things so much, as I

need exactly what I've asked for. Sometimes people preach to

me, things I know. Really, I just have a need. It's alot

like air, water, food, etc. for me. I'm on a level where

that balance is required, or it's in my makeup, part of the

way I am, whatever reasoning is required, it's true.

 

I have my own feelings about who and what I am and am not. I

don't mean to blast that out, brag, or any such thing. I

really am turning to my family, and asking rather honestly

and humbly, that IF YOU CAN, then help me, otherwise, thanks

anyway. That's all. Everything else, done over the years for

me for those of you who care about me, to help me, I deeply

appreciate, and it has helped me in various ways. But what I

need is a spouse. It's what I need.

 

Now I'm so screwed up by the absense of a spouse, and

deeling with Bernadette, and dealing with having no

protection that I need, that grounding and helping person, I

have become rather well, pretty much gone. I can't do much

anymore. Mostly, usually, I have to ask my kids in

humiliation to do the simplest of things for me if it

involves going out into the world, like shopping, garbage

(that's just across the parking lot and that seems daunting

when I'm in this state, really, so I stay either inside or

on the porch, only that far, and all of this goes POOF and

dissapears in the other state)

 

So sometimes people say "Come to India" or "Come to Fiji"

 

That is like saying "Make a planet"

 

I can barely go to my car, what to speak of to Fiji. Give

me a break. I have to be this clear, because nothing is

happening for years, and I am watching myself go down, and I

have to come out and scream this loud and clear, as nothing

else is working. You see? Nothing has worked. Should I

just "go down". Is that my duty now? Many say: Get up man.

Great. They have no experience with my reality, believe me.

 

Maybe I'm hoping for miracles. Perhaps. Whatever.

 

Thanks for reading this, thanks for anything you can do, but

please, do not offend my dignities, my God, some people have

recommended things to me that are nothing short of

embarrassing, where I have to sit and tolerate while it's

explained, like going to prostitutes, going on those dating

trips to Russia, etc etc. No, either I get an intelligent

decent looking woman I can talk to and communicate to, who

understands me, on a rather deep level, or forget it.

There's got to be a Yogini or there for me somewhere. Just

intelligent, younger than me, decent looking, helpful, able,

willing, loving, understands this field of Hindu and other

mysticism, at least that it exists etc., and somehow

respects me. Is this possible? Am I a total dreamer?

 

 

Thanks again, in hopes, but humility, hoping for the least

embarrasment possible,

--

 

 

Das Goravani , President

 

2852 Willamette St, #353

Eugene, Oregon, 97405

USA

 

Voice:

 

or

 

<>

 

 

Home of "Goravani Jyotish"

 

Vedic Astrology Software , and more...

[Guest guest]

Dear Goravaniji,

 

I am a simple person from India & is really moved & can feel your

pain,loneliness,intense love that you want to share with the right spiritual

companion.

 

You have really got good power of expression & i love your honesty.I think you

should have born in India.

 

You can visit & check out the following sites, maybe this can help you:-

 

www.spiritsingles.com

www.astroexpert.com

www.rishtaa.com

www.spiritualsingles.com

www.jeevansathi.com

www.indiandating.com

www.Indianmarriages.com

www.Shaadi.com

 

Thanks.

Sunny.

 

-

Das Goravani

gjlist

Saturday, August 10, 2002 5:28 AM

[GJ] From Me to the List, Personal

Hello List,This is personal, from me to you. That may seem funny, but you'll

see, it's not.I have openly exposed my plight to the list before, so it's not

new to you that I suffer in depression. Well, it's time for me to express a bit

more detail, and ask a favor.I am a very fine being, with great sensitivity, and

an amazing brain. Many think so, perhaps some of you. The fact is, yes, I have

that, and, I have other things that go along with a certain life pattern that

isn't new with me. Fortunately, I'm not the first, but I'm suffering, because

I'm not "adjusted" yet.There are those of us like me, and it's documented in

"touched by fire" by Kay Jamison. In short, I cannot do my life alone. I just

can't. For example, I just go hungry all the time because I cannot cook, nor

can I shop, usually, because there is too much stimulai out there for me. I end

up crying in stores and so on.This is not the case when I have a spouse. I

always had a spouse, ever since I was very young, until about 3 years ago. At

that time, Bernadette moved back in with her husband and ever since I've gotten

nothing done at all. The business ran only because sometimes I could do it,

sometimes my kids did it, and often Bernadette did it even though she didn't

live with me. We would have this on/off relationship, that has killed me. What

I feel as betrayal and longing for her has turned me into jello.I am coming out

and admitting that I'm going down. The only reason I'm still here is the

software is so good it still sells, but v2 can only sell so long. 3 is not

happening because of this problem. I do nothing all day, because I hate being

alone with well a passion so strong you could say I'm phobic about it, yet I'm

always alone. I do nothing at all. I'm a zombee. I'm in pain.I realized only in

more recent times what goes on with me. It's like this: The way I see life, that

is, Vedicly, combined with the way my brain works, which is "overtime and

complexly" combined with my alone life style of live/work in same two rooms,

all combines to make me basically "float away" into a spiritually based world

which is real if you ask me, but I can't run my life from there. The only thing

that grounds me is a woman who loves me. That's it. Nothing else is of any

interest to me here. Period.But I love it here, when she's around. She was

around, in the form of my wife, for many years, then that went South, and then

as Bernadette, then she went away, then nothing, for 3 years, during which, you

all wonder, where the heck is version 3? It's nearly done, and it's been that

way since Jan of 2000.I do not eat or bathe regularly, I cannot stop crying, I

cannot work, I cannot even want to go to bars to try to start a relationship

with someone who knows nothing about this world of mine, which you all do know

something about. You all do. That's why this is from me to you.You see, I

really do not have anywhere else to turn that I know of, not easily.My family

does not understand me. They do not accept that you exist, most of them, and

they do not accept basically anything I say. They are very normal, and I

haven't even gotten them to square one of knowing who I am or what I do. They

are rather not at all clued in to me. When I call them, it's a burden, only.

They think of me only as their "very sick brother", and that's been true since

I joined the HK's 23 years ago, although lately it's augmented because they can

see the "official stamp" of the fact that I've been prescribed

anti-depressents.I'm hoping somewhere on this list is someone who is somehow

able to understand me and somehow able to be or connect me to a woman who would

like to live with me for at least a little while so that I can ground and get my

business back under way and saved from immiment peril that is now threatening

it.I have no embarrassment in asking for this help because I am who I am. I am

indeed the image. I am this guy who has his head in heaven, and channels that

to earth, and loves it, and has a hard time coming down, and loves life in a

grand way, and shuts down completely in childlike tears when there's nobody

around because he feels utterly unable to go out and meet people, and ends up

sneaking around stores on his tip toes with all muscles tightened wondering

what people think of him and on and on, all because, I ain't grounded, because

I'm not very normal, I'm not very much of this place, and practically everybody

bores me, because they don't have any knowledge or passion, and I like both in

one, and skyrockets.....Yet, I just like working in peace on a computer,

because there you can make music, writings, video, software, etc., and

communicate to the world, which is what I want to do and have always wanted to

do.Only since Bernadette left was I alone. These last 3 years. First time in my

life. Now my kids are moving out. There both halfway out and I'm helping them,

but I'm alone most of the time, cuzz they're always gone. They're growing up,

that's fine. I'm happy about that. No problem. I even figure that not having

them around will after all make me a little more available, which is good for

finding somebody to spouse with.Anyway, if you care about me, my work, the GJ

software, all of the above, the things I could do if I survive, exist, work

would be even better, all of which would happen if I was just loved by the

appropriate woman, so, then would you please help me find her?Even like I said,

someone coming here temporarily would help me tremendously.I may write lucidly,

but when I get up, I will do nothing. Days will pass. I never do laundry. I

hardly eat. I can't remember the last hot meal I had here or anywhere. I live

on Chocolate Soy Milk, pretty much. About a half gallon to a gallon a day. Cost

about $5. Tastes good. I'm never hungry. I'm losing weight. I have emotional

pain constantly due to lonliness, but I can't leave or get out, because without

that thing switched on in my life, I rather cannot do anything it seems. This

what I've learned, in my exposure to lonliness in the last 3 years. I've

learned, slowly, to cry out to you. I've learned to write this letter, with

it's contents.Please, I'm not normal, and I'm going down. I'm a positive type

of not normal. I'm a polymath, a genious, but I'm constantly battling intense

levels of self medication to fight the wrything pain of panic attacks, which

have only appeared in my life due to this lack, of "anybody around". I simply

cannot handle being "out of love" or "out of being with someone", even if

temporary and not totally attached. But best is feeling secure and safe, in

love, in commitment.The work you all know me for, was all done when I was in

relationships. No matter how bad they were, if there was a "spouse" living with

me, I somehow programmed and worked in general. I have not done anything since

that was not the case because I cannot. I cannot get past mysocial dilemna of

total aloneness, combined with, that I am not exactly capable of being focused

on what I do, and just be who I am, and be in this world, shopping, laundry,

cooking, etc., plus, I have no motivation to do anything without a spouse,

NONE. It's sad. So many people say "We love you", but it does nothing at all in

me, nothing. It makes no motivation I mean. It doesn't solve my problem at all,

and I want to give them back more work, oh god do I!!!!I want to do so much, I

had so many plans. They could all come back on track if I was sleeping with a

woman, had someone around who cared about me and for me, a bit. Other

"geniouses" were worth it, and others were not discovered til they already had

killed themselves, which I have often thought of. It's so painful, and nobody

takes you seriously. Everybody thinks you're lieing or something. I'm not

lieing.My brain works very well, like the scene in "A Beautiful Mind" at the

beginning, where he sees how the oranges match the guys tie with sunshine mixed

in a touch of crystal...That's what I see like, OK? Is that clear enough? I can

stare and laugh, and I do, I see patterns and all kinds of things. I have "A

beautiful mind" indeed, but then I don't care about nutrition, cannot, simply

cannot, it seems. I have to accept this. I haven't eaten in ages.The only

person who really knows me well is in inner conflict on how she feels about me,

and this is Bernadette. She has been my only contact in human form for years,

other than an occasional drop in from a couple other semi close to close

friends, but these separations of time, they're weird to me, I'm not from this

place, I don't get the social patterns at all, they make no sense, way too

unloving.She is never around. I'm in peril. She doesn't care, really, and

chases other people away. I need help. I do. I don't have anyone else who

understand me to turn to. I am telling you clearly all these things. I'm not

kidding. It's not a joke. I'm just being honest, because if I don't, bad things

are going to start happening soon for me, and I was always hoping to save this

grand life I've built, and it is saveable.I turn on like a light bulb under the

expression of a woman loving me, who is appropriate for me, I have to add, since

I get many proposals but it seems they are always from married woman, or, older

than me, or both.But anyway, I'm saveable, and therefore so is everything I do.

I hope that it matters to someone, the right person. I accept if it doesn't. I

think I'm worth saving. I'm not doing good. I'm being honest.At some point you

have to be honest. The message machine is overloaded, always. I never return

calls, or emails, and I haven't shipped charts or demos in months. The work is

piled everywhere, nobody is getting serviced, even orders. Everything is in

place for work, because setting it up is easy for me. And I'm sitting there, in

the room, but like a zombee, in pain, or crying, or lieing down doing those two

wonderful activities, or writing poetry. That's about it. When hungry, drink

chocolate soy milk. End of hunger. Shower, when absolutely unbearable not to

any longer. Take garbage out when it blocks the door.Look everywhere in psychic

paranoia when walking. See many things, angles, beams, rays, all kinds of things

other people don't see or hear. Hear thoughts like words, feel behind me before

seeing, hear everything, and see everything, so clearly, that I have to squint

intensely at all times outside, and look down, walk on specific angles across

parking lots, and so on. I have never told anyone this, now I'm telling

eveyrone, because, it's unbearable, life is unbearable, the suffering is

intense, and the woman who was supposed to by my love is killing me, though I

believe she doesn't mean to, it's happening though.Yes, I am suffering, and

yes, I am blatantly reaching out for help in a specific way. I am being

specific because all my hints have never worked. You are my family. I don't

have anybody else. Thank you for listening. I don't have any friends hardly in

Eugene. I have to say hardly because I have one that will be pissed if she

hears I said "none". But basically, fact is, ok, I'M ALWAYS alone. Get it. I

don't have any.OK, so, if you can help me, do, if you cannot, thanks anyway,

really. And I don't need other things so much, as I need exactly what I've

asked for. Sometimes people preach to me, things I know. Really, I just have a

need. It's alot like air, water, food, etc. for me. I'm on a level where that

balance is required, or it's in my makeup, part of the way I am, whatever

reasoning is required, it's true.I have my own feelings about who and what I am

and am not. I don't mean to blast that out, brag, or any such thing. I really am

turning to my family, and asking rather honestly and humbly, that IF YOU CAN,

then help me, otherwise, thanks anyway. That's all. Everything else, done over

the years for me for those of you who care about me, to help me, I deeply

appreciate, and it has helped me in various ways. But what I need is a spouse.

It's what I need.Now I'm so screwed up by the absense of a spouse, and deeling

with Bernadette, and dealing with having no protection that I need, that

grounding and helping person, I have become rather well, pretty much gone. I

can't do much anymore. Mostly, usually, I have to ask my kids in humiliation to

do the simplest of things for me if it involves going out into the world, like

shopping, garbage (that's just across the parking lot and that seems daunting

when I'm in this state, really, so I stay either inside or on the porch, only

that far, and all of this goes POOF and dissapears in the other state)So

sometimes people say "Come to India" or "Come to Fiji"That is like saying "Make

a planet"I can barely go to my car, what to speak of to Fiji. Give me a break.

I have to be this clear, because nothing is happening for years, and I am

watching myself go down, and I have to come out and scream this loud and clear,

as nothing else is working. You see? Nothing has worked. Should I just "go

down". Is that my duty now? Many say: Get up man. Great. They have no

experience with my reality, believe me.Maybe I'm hoping for miracles. Perhaps.

Whatever.Thanks for reading this, thanks for anything you can do, but please,

do not offend my dignities, my God, some people have recommended things to me

that are nothing short of embarrassing, where I have to sit and tolerate while

it's explained, like going to prostitutes, going on those dating trips to

Russia, etc etc. No, either I get an intelligent decent looking woman I can

talk to and communicate to, who understands me, on a rather deep level, or

forget it. There's got to be a Yogini or there for me somewhere. Just

intelligent, younger than me, decent looking, helpful, able, willing, loving,

understands this field of Hindu and other mysticism, at least that it exists

etc., and somehow respects me. Is this possible? Am I a total dreamer?Thanks

again, in hopes, but humility, hoping for the least embarrasment possible,--

Das Goravani , President2852 Willamette St, #353Eugene,

Oregon, 97405USAVoice:or Fax:

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