India Pak spat begins to raise a laugh

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INDO-PAK SPAT BEGINS TO RAISE A LAUGH

 

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Articleshow.asp?art_id=13383110

 

CHIDANAND RAJGHATTA

TIMES NEWS NETWORK [ TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 2002 7:54:40 PM ]

 

WASHINGTON: How can India stave off the Pakistani demand for Kashmir? Offer

the Pakistanis Bihar and UP to go with Kashmir. How does Pakistan wrest

Kashmir from India? Insist India take Baluchistan and Pashtunistan if it

wants to keep Kashmir.

 

Now that tension between India and Pakistan is dissipating, the

sub-continental cousins are beginning to lighten up, adding to the familiar

gags like the ones above. Sample: When the US supports Pakistan, it is

because of President Busharraf in the White House. At other times, Bush

comes to shove.

 

The widely respected Pakistani weekly The Friday Times, among the most

insightful publications in the region, last week invited a chortle of

response from Indian readers with its 'Top Ten conciliatory gestures India

can make.'

 

The line up:

 

10. Hand over notorious terrorist Aishwarya Rai 9. Send Hrithik Roshan to

our tribal areas 8. Take Benazir 7. Take her husband too 6. Take Nawaz

Sharif 5. Teach Nawabzada Nasrullah how to gargle with urine 4. Send

planeloads of Pan Parag for Mush 3. Restart Andaman Island Penal Colony for

Tariq Aziz 2. Resettle Advani in Tora Bora 1. Give us Kashmir

 

One Indian reader responded with a shorter list of Top Five conciliatory

gestures Pakistan can make.

 

1.Shoaib Akhtar to start bowling for the Indian team 2.Laloo to be made

Governor of Laloochistan (sorry Baloochistan) 3.Bal Thackeray to be made ISI

chief 4.Imam Bukhari to be sent as PA to Hizbul Mujahideen 5.Forget Kashmir

 

Others came in with their own suggestions - take Bihar and UP, return

Mohenjadaro and Harappa, take VHP, Shiv Sena, Bajrang Dal, stop handing over

Indian territory to China, teach Indian scientists how to filch nuclear and

missile secrets.

 

While Indians and Pakistanis are now easing up, the spat between the two

countries has long been grist for the satirical mill in the west. The

acclaimed publication The Onion recently ran a reader opinion column with

comments on the face off.

 

"Why would they fear a nuclear war?" it quoted "Andrew Schorr" a fictitious

Systems Analyst as saying. "Pakistan's Muslims have an eternity of honeyed

figs awaiting them in the afterlife, and India's Hindus will all just get

reincarnated."

 

In another edition, The Onion had readers in tears, spoofing a neighbourhood

spat between an Indian and Pakistani immigrant in Detroit.

 

"Indo-Pakistani tensions continue to escalate this week at the Eight-Mile

and Telegraph Road Amoco, where hostilities between owner Rajesh Srinivasan

and in-store Subway mini-franchise manager Majid Ashraf threaten to spill

over into all-out war," a recent "lead" story in the paper, complete with

spurious pictures, began.

 

"Though tensions have existed ever since the Ashrafs took over the Subway,

the situation began sharply deteriorating in December of last year. Upon

seeing Srinivasan sweep the parking lot at his wife's behest, Ashraf mocked

his Indian counterpart, calling him 'a quaking little baby goat' and

questioning the manhood of 'anyone who would take orders from a woman.'

 

" 'What Majid doesn't recognize is that there are significant differences

between his Islamic culture and Rajesh's Hindu culture regarding gender

roles,'" the spoof quoted "Dr. James Sasser, a Harvard professor of Middle

Eastern studies," as saying, mocking the western journalistic propensity to

buttress the most banal observations with weighty quotes from academics.

 

"Relations further deteriorated on Jan. 20, when a dispute over

cleaning-supplies inventory led to a full-blown shouting match between the

small-business owners. For 45 minutes, Srinivasan and Ashraf loudly traded

insults in full view of customers, and the episode reached its apex when

Srinivasan called Ashraf 'a filthy, lying cheat lower than the untouchable

caste of my native land,'" the Onion weighed in.

 

Other satirical publications have also been having a field day tearing up

the South Asian neighbours. The British publication The Brains Trust, known

as "Son of Onion," recently ran a lead story with the headline "Pakistan and

India to Repeat Cold War Mistakes."

 

The spoof quoted Indian Prime Minister Atal Behari Vajpayee saying,

"Mutually assured destruction is the modern way forward for the Asian

subcontinent."

 

The Pakistani President, Pervez Musharraf, agreed. "It is our solemn duty to

our people, to spend the next 50 years in a tense military stand-off, armed

to the teeth with enough weapons to destroy the planet 10 times over. Anyone

for tennis?"

 

Ariel Sharon in a "peace-making address" from the turret of an enormous tank

said that "the best hope for the annihilation of mankind now comes from

these two countries. I've done my best to make it happen for us down here,

but the Palestinians just aren't up to a really good fight. You can't commit

murder on a truly global scale by chucking rocks around can you?"

 

The spoof said the development has been welcomed in both Washington and

London. "At last the burden of being the world's largest aggressor has been

lifted from our shoulders," it 'quoted' US National Security Adviser

Condoleeza Rice as saying.