isolated by an ocean of knowledge

May 29, 2002

I can talk to people's souls. Something about my looks and the way I

think and speak, gives people the experience of dropping straight down

into a feeling of spiritual reality inside themselves. It's a gift. So

is the ability to understand Jyotish well. And to have been to India's

holy places, met real Saints, and so on. It's also a gift to have a

career like mine, very much so, especially since it did well, and by

reinvestment, I've built up an awesome studio where I could fulfill more

of my dreams of creating things in this area of life.

But for years I've hardly worked, and just been inebriated, and dusted

my lungs, cried in pain on my bed, seeing shrinks and counselors to no

avail, using up money on self medication and prescribed anti depessents

which ultimately fail. Why?

I gave my life to serving God through others. I cared all my life about

the world, about people, about ending suffering. I've been utterly

devoted to these things. I gave my life early, so I never had my

twenties, never dated, never did the bar scene, the party scene, the

dating scene. I never had a marriage, never visited the relatives, never

did Easter or Christmas. None of that.

Instead, I've always done Janmastami, and Ramnavami. I've known Gurus

and Yogis. I know Sastra and Dharma and do Seva. I'm an Indian

basically. But I look and feel like I am, a 42 yr old white American

West Coast kind of guy. I'm successful in things related to ancient

India and respected very much so in that field.

But I have no friends really. No wife. I'm lonely. I've been alone for

years. Nothing I've done has solved this. I walk alone. I stare around.

I feel like I'm in a bubble. Why?

Because I don't eat meat, I'm not into drinking. I don't get off on

sports at all, so I don't ra-ra the local team like most people do. I

see through the materialism to a deeper layer. I care about people, but

they don't care that I care, because they don't care themselves.

I'm thinking how to help the world, but the world gives me nothing back.

I want a wife so bad, a companion, but no woman wants to be the wife of

someone like me I suppose. I only get real offers from woman older than

myself or who have some impossibility like they don't speak English.

Never had parents, and they're dead. My siblings are too normal to be of

any use to me really. I gave my life to the HK movement but that I

cannot deal with anymore. It's like it's for beginners only. I can't

hear those party lines any more. It's too powerless. Everybody is

parrotting, lacking their own thinking. I can't hear it anymore.

So I lost all my friends, cuzz all my friends up and down the Coast have

become followers of Narayan Maharaj and they're all fanatics. This

includes my ex. I can't get anything from any of them because I'm no

longer in the group. I lost all my friends.

I've gone to many gatherings, concerts, conventions, blind dates, placed

and answered personal ads, wrote letters, wrote to this list, begged and

complained and pleaded locally in town here and all over the world, and

NOTHING has happened tangible.

I'm still totally alone, with no way of ending it. Locally, I tried

everything and more. I even went so far as to pinning little ads on

telephone poles, which produced only prank calls. This of course is

after all the usual stuff, like personal's ads. I held classes, did a

number of things.

No, nothing has worked. I've been lonely feeling for decades now. I've

had my eyes open and I've been trying for decades to find a woman

younger than myself who wants to be with me whom I like. I just want to

do my work for the Divine cause for the purpose of helping us all, and I

want company, and a wife. I'm clean, nice, good, educated, what's the

problem?

Something is the problem. I've put the word out so much locally, that I

get weird looks and people pointing. I've tried everything, and my life

just gets worse.

I thought if I tried so hard to spread Jyotish, that something would

happen of that. Early on I added research features and wrote articles

about it, and thought surely some resourcesful people, people with

resources themselves, interested in proving Jyotish as well, helping

Hinduism, helping enlightenment's cause on Earth, would certainly talk

to me and work together. Life would be interesting. I'd have a purpose.

And PEOPLE to associate with.

But nothing of the sort has happened. I've done this now for 8 years.

Nothing. I'm alone on that front as well.

I thought surely somewhere along the way some rich benevolent Hindu

would want to help me out in this. I am totally reinvesting everything.

I don't do vacations. I don't do anything in fact. I just work. This is

also one reason woman are turned off. They want to be more entertained

than that. Well, damnit, there has to be at least one out there right

for me who is also a servant of God like me.

But no. Nothing. No associates of any type. I am Das Goravani,

supposedly someone of some value, but I am left utterly alone year after

year, despite all my attempts at changing that, all my prayers and

hopes. Nothing.

I have been reduced now since this has continued for so many years, to

an utter addict. I have been in a pathetic state of despair for years.

It wears on you. You get worse and worse in some ways because it

compounds itself in various ways.

It is an extreme struggle to write this, focusing through the pain, so

to speak, cutting through it with will to construct the sentences. So

much sadness lives in every part of me. My fingers hurt with sadness as

I type, my forehead wrinkled with it. Everything cringing and wrything

in the pain of lonliness, sadness, desperation. A person can have faith,

hope and anticipation for only so long.

I joined a movement at 19 and nothing happened except me gradually being

highly dissapointed and let down. The leads after Prabhupada, who I was

intimitely associating with since I was direct side man to one of them,

were pathetic in their abilities to be even normal in their moralities.

It was unbelievable. So everything fell apart. How dissapointing.

But before leaving, I made the karmic act/mistake whatever, of having a

basically blind marriage and then two kids, all because "I'm supposed

to" if I want to engage in that ugly terrible sinful act of sex with a

woman.

So being as I was subjecting myself, trying to be a good little servant

of God in the great Indian movement, I went ahead and acted like "I was

supposed to" and had two kids with a woman I couldn't relate to actually

at all, not when I'm my real self. No.

So I entered a fourteen marriage of pretense, because there were no

parents, and no leaders in my life ever. I was on my own. I made such

mistakes therefore, but very sincerely.

So now I'm at the end of raising those kids. I've been through hell

because most of this 23 years of being a Hare Krishna, I was with my

wife and around devotees, and it's just too stiff for me. They are too

religious. It's too uptight. All my artistry and love is just smothered

there. I can't go there now for some years. I lost all my friends this

way as I said.

I made all the money in the marriage and worked very hard and was

successful, and we had a good life. But I wasn't happy. I'm a passionate

man. She was not. I suffered.

Eventually I met another woman, divorced for her, but she didn't

reciprocate. I was misled. She is still married and lives with him. I

waited 7 years. I'm heart broken. I had true love with someone and they

walked away for shallow reasons. I'm taught them everything I knew, gave

them everything I had, and am getting nothing at all in return out of

all that.

Seeing how unhappy I've been, my children really want nothing to do with

anybody connected to Hare Krishna, and I understand. My ex, blaming me

for this utter tragedy as she's more orthodox, uses it I suppose, for

further reason to do as she's always done, nothing. I've been a truly

single father for 7 years. No friends, no help, no wife, no nothing.

Having now tried everything I can think of to no avail, including crying

on this list several times, flying here and there for breaks, and like I

said, just everything else, I'm just empty and lost now. I cannot move

or function. I don't eat unless I go out. Which I don't do. I'm just

dieing now. Decaying.

I keep trying to make it change, new pills, new attitude, read the new

recommended book sent by well meaning friend, try everything...

nothing, because, I cannot believe that I am being left alone. I cannot.

I gave my life in love to the center, and to everyone. That's the way

I've always been. I don't live for me. I don't. I only live for the

others I'm working with or serving. But I want to see them. That's what

this has made me realize. I cannot go on working alone forever.

And I need the love of a wife. I do. But it's been never, and that's

been forever, and the pain is now an ocean in all directions for all

time remembered, I've been floating in pain, making all my smile faced

sincere attempts to appear normal and happy, and attract a spouse, but

it's all BS. People are playing games, and being in illusion. You cannot

be real and get a spouse. Woman of substance are incredibly rare, and

rarer still, the right age, and attractive and into me. It's impossible

it seems.

But the lonliness anxiety is so intense I shiver, like as if I'm gettng

parkinsons. I'm freaking out from it for years. I can't end it. There's

no mechanism in this society for me. I've tried bars, dancing, ads,

everything. That's all BS. It's not serious and real. I have no Church,

don't want to fake it, no school, and nothing I want to study. I don't

want to take yoga classes because who needs classes in Hatha Yoga? I

don't. Faking it to see if there's anywoman there... I've done that.

There isn't.. Well I can't spend my life going to classes incognito to

see if my wife is there, and then what, engage in a very long

relationship to educate this person into my reality, then watch them

walk away with the learning while flipping me off like Bernadette is

doing and has been doing for years.

How come I can't find an angel with a decent chart the right age range

who is right for me? Dear Krishna, uh, wake up and do your part here OK?

And why oh my, has there been NO activity amongst real men with

resources in my life, or woman with resources, for doing something

serious about computerized research. You'd think nobody with money had

an interest. I'm appalled. I'm appalled some rich Hindu hasn' contacted

me SINCERELY. I've gotten the taking phone calls, yes.

I am utterly dissapointed in life. I cannot be respectful towards

anything, not Catholicism, no Hare Krishna (the movement), my family, my

guru siblings, woman in my life, nothing. Nowhere and nothing is

embracing me. I feel like I'm totally misplaced and unwanted.

Except

For you.

Yes, my customers and readers, the people whom I've met through Jyotish,

have been highly supportive of me. Yes, definitely. Major applause back

at ya.

Really.

However. I can't see you. I cannot touch you. You are not in my life

actually. You are very well wishing, Reiki-sending, even gift sending

and definitely nice letters, phone calls, etc., and that's all nice, and

many are even jealous, but really picture it.

At the end of the day, it was just words on my screen, letters in the

mail, calls on the phone, flowers at the door. I was the only one

sitting there. There's nothing else there when the computer goes off.

The phone ringer down, climb in bed alone, tick tock, another year, it's

unreal.

I've come to regard all the emails and phone calls as actually

distractions only. No matter how nice or well wishing, they don't do

anything for my pain. My pain is based on the fact that I actually

cannot touch through to any one person as a wife, and find real quality

returned. I cannot find a quality woman right for me. No matter how hard

I try, I cannot.

And I cannot seem to have or keep friends. Firstly, I find very people

who are at all interesting. Then amongst them, few want to serve the

mission. Everyone is really selfish and I can't believe it. It just gets

weeded out so fast. There's nobody left. Why is it like this? In the

seventies it seemed so many were going this way. Where'd they go?

I feel so alone. It seems like everyone is either in their twenties and

materialistic, or over 50 and new agey. Nobody around my age, serving

God next to me, in a way I can relate to. The nicest woman I know, are

followers of Amma, and I just cannot relate, sorry. I can't do another

Guru. I cannot hear someone again glorifying some human like that, and

in that case, they actually believe she's Durga. I just can't do this

stuff anymore. The feet, the incense, the saris and pretentions. Oh my god.

I just want a real person to do real life with me while I do real work.

I need real love.

I have come to totally hate life. I have to drag myself through it

minute to minute. This is another one of my "last efforts" to raise

something. I've tried so hard for so many years. I feel like I live on

planet "stupid mud". That's what it should be named. Because everything

and everybody moves like mud and is stupid.

I'm a spiritual warrior, and I'm alone. Speaks for the times. I hate

life now. I can't wait for something exciting to happen for me. I would

die if I didn't have kids. Can't do that to them.

Want lies, go elsewhere.

Astro Lesson Portion

---------------------

This is the voice of one in Saturn Rahu, and those two are conjunct in

transit on my Nat-Sun and opposite Trans. Pluto. (end of lesson-take

note though, pretty significant)

I truly have no hope left. I'm so sad. Everything is falling apart for

me. I wish I could turn this around.

Thank you for tolerating me. I don't know why I'm different. I don't

know why everything has gone this way. I don't know why nobody else is

in total pain and freaking out and verbalizing it.

This list is my only family, friends, venue. You're it. This is it.

Don't think "take it to your family". Sorry, they don't get any of this.

They're "Americans". That's it. Only. Period.

Where are you?

Attachment: (image/jpeg) celtic_warrior.jpg [not stored]

May 29, 2002

>>> 05/29/02 10:49AM >>>

This list is my only family, friends, venue. You're it. This is it.

Don't think "take it to your family". Sorry, they don't get any of this.

They're "Americans". That's it. Only. Period.

[ME]

??????????????????????????????

Speechless.

Renee

Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya; Hare Krishna; Om Tat Sat

: gjlist-

Your use of is subject to

May 29, 2002

Look

~ it's Spring. And last year's loose dust

has

turned into this soft willingness.

The

wind-flowers have come up trembling

Slowly

the brackens are uplifting their curvaceous and pale bodies

The

thrushes have come home, none less than filled with

mystery,

sorrow, happiness, music, ambition.

And

I am walking out into all of this

with

nowhere to go and no task undertaken

but

to turn the pages of this beautiful world over and over

in

the world of my mind.

*

* *

Therefore,

dark past ...

I'm

about to do it ...

I'm

about to forgive you

for

everything .....

~ Mary Oliver What Do We Know

At 09:49 AM 5/29/02 -0800, you wrote:

I can talk to people's souls.

Something about my looks and the way I