living day to day

[Guest guest]

hi

 

well, what started as depression in me has progressed to wild mood

swings. some thinks it bi polar, but my shrink doesn't.

 

so, i've got something going on. when you're in that down space, it's

so bad you have no idea unless you've been there. being there means you

have to have a history of destroying things, or collapsing for hours or

days in tears, irroncileable grief and other emotions, it's not your

average "being down". not at all. it's powerful enough to warrant

medications.

 

i have few people i know closely, few people physically in my life as

friends nearby etc. so when I get in total fear, i sometimes reach out

to this list, which is a mistake, admittedly

 

however, apologizing for language, is not something i'll lie to you

about, firstly, i think the words i use are appropriate for what i'm

feeling at that point, but believe me, it's not intellectually thought

up, edited or anything

 

in fact, i have to read your responses to see what I wrote, and it's as

new to me today as the first time you read it. that's right.

 

and often just as shocking

 

when i'm not inside it, i'm not inside it, just like you, most of you,

never are, never have been, and hopefully never will be

 

i can't apologize for something i didn't do, and also, it's better to

leave it out in the open raw and unapologized for, as an example of what

the mind can experience right here, right now, under the correct

conditions, whatever those are, and the jury is still out, whether it is

fully chemical-genetics etc., or there's an element of responsibility in

the person, or elements of their beliefs etc.

 

either way, it's a good piece of evidence as the to horrors the human

mind is capable of swinging between quickly, with what you're reading now.

 

in fact, likely unfortunately, although I write to you now from the

person I've always been, and this is much more thought out, i know quite

likely that in about 5 hours, I will begin to change, and by about 8

hours from now, I'll be balling in my room alone, at the top of my

lungs, believing i'm dieing, and possibly, i may write again, unfortunately.

 

this is the reality i face, and i'm facing it. it's definitely a

dis-ease, but it's source is not clear to anyone

 

i do feel it is real, and i feel it comes from my lifes passions hitting

a wall called middle age, combined with emptying nest, combined with

unrequited loves sorrows, and more. It's a big ball called my life, and

I'm trying to gotover the celtic knots in my heart.

 

you really should not, dear list, take these things seriously and

respond to them, as some of you did, as if I meant them literally.

 

in fact, i can't remember what I write, and i sure can't defend it the

next day when i'm me again. so, just delete it after scanning it for

real cries for help, which i know, how can you tell

 

the other night, a couple friends got a more focused mailing i made to

close friends and family, and they came to my side. this helped

tremendously.

 

i had already written to the list, so it was too late

 

after they came, I wishede i had not. but while having a panic attack,

you lose all sense of reason, and definitely patience, there is no

patience in my version of panic attack land. It's very immediate and

full of, well, panic.

 

I'm very sorry this exists in me, or on earth at all.

 

thanks for tolerating this manifestation of my own problems into your

lives, and don't respond on the list to what I write, because you're

really then responding only to some fearful mind that doesn't actually

exist as a person- it's my mind fear garbage only.

 

and believe me, i'd love to finish gj3. nobody more than i

 

i'd love to be always rational, those fits are not

 

rationally trying to solve them is futile, the professionals don't try

to, so you shouldn't either

 

the best thing I can do is continue to learn my triggers and avoid them,

thats the bottom line for me, as i don't want to go to the sure fire

treatment level, because it's also sure damaging and sure dulling

 

gotta make this one work, and i will, i feel

 

no responses necessary, this gets enough press

 

 

out

 

 

das

--

 

 

Das Goravani , President

 

2852 Willamette St, #353

Eugene, Oregon, 97405

USA

 

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