My comments on my chart

[Guest guest]

Hi

 

Sabine sent me the postings about my chart so I'm responding.

 

It's fine to talk about it. Pretty much an open book.

 

The things said so far are all correct and main points good IMHO.

 

There is a predominance that is overwhelming on the Moon of Saturn.

 

Also, if you use GJ, and look through those graphs, look at the ones

like elements in the vargas, and dispositor in the vargas, you'll see

alot of Air, Aquarius and Saturn, and Venus.

 

Notice Saturn is exactly 9th from Venus and this is exactly the midheaven.

 

Notice Jupiter is in a very special place, and this is also with 2

degrees of exact 9th from Lagna.

 

Mars Shad Bala Extremely High

 

Jupiter has attained very high varga ratings, seven own/ex signs and is

the final dispositor for the chart. There is not second. The chart does

have a final dispositor.

 

The Saturn on Midheaven 9th from Venus does this: He is standing right

in the ray exactly for the fortune angle of that venus, and this also

was straight up, the midheaven, so there will be hard work, interfering

with relationships- yes, my spouses complain that "all's I do is work",

which is totally true.

 

The thing about Saturn's aspects right now, are all true as mentioned.

It's a slammer.

 

Note that Saturn has been going over all my internal planets for years.

Starting in 93 in Aquarius, which was when depression first started to

show, it began then on my Moon. Then it proceded to first lord, then the

first and venus, then the 2nd with sun and mercury. This all over the

last 8 years, which is how long I've been in Jyotish, and how long I've

had this problem. Those two things overlapped. I got into Jyotish partly

because depression had begun, and I was just attracted to giving up my

other life, and going inside more, and various things. I changed alot in

93 through 95, when Saturn went over my Moon.

 

But it hasn't really let up.

 

I am the dark type. As soon as I heard of drugs, I wanted them. Same

with sex. As soon as I could I took LSD (13). I was a genious kid, but I

just wanted to experience life like crazy, and thought acid would help

see more, and it did, plenty.

 

Little diversion momentarily:

 

Recently, I would like to add here, I've come to realize that from very

early on now I can realize by memory that I have always not believed in

this world and this society, and I saw mortality and ignorance of God,

even as a child, so that's why I was so willing to say "SO WHAT" to the

threats about drugs and smoking and so on. I became a full on hippy much

more than anybody at 13 to 19. I scared my family as I really grew my

hair and was always tripping. I didn't have Krishna yet, no real

knowledge, but I knew for sure that nobody else knew what was going on

around us, I could clearly see that.

 

When I met the devotees, their Vedic spiel they gave me was the clearest

best thing I had heard in my whole life. That's why I joined so

fervently and was able to easily abandon meat and drugs. I had found

religion for real and strong. I fell into like a high dive. Loved it.

Loved being a monk with a shaved head.

 

But my main point was, the pre-disposition to darkness, to seeing

futility, to being anti materialism, and so on, this I remember feeling

at 5 and even 3. I remember feeling it when they shot Kennedy. Really. I

was almost 3. I remember it clearly.

 

Now, going back to the teen years:

 

But I was at those same times, in the Catholic Pre Seminary program, and

playing guitar all the time.

 

My Jupiter dasha was tremendous. I flourished.

 

When Saturn started in 86 or so was just after completed my daughters

burn recovery, and returning to America, and getting going on working in

Society. In the Summer of 85 actually I really got going as a worker in

American Society again after leaving the temples on 1/1/85, having

joined them in Sep 79, Married Oct 81.

 

Anyway, during Saturn dasha I worked so hard. For example, in 87 I

taught myself programming from 4 AM to 7 AM each day then went to a

computer store minimum wage sales job, and studied there too, when

nobody was in the store, then after dinner too. After one year I was an

independent accounting database programmer, and my first gig was for a

division of BP Oil in Visalia, and they loved what I did, and year after

year, it got better, but I worked ALL THE TIME. Like 7 days 14 hours

year after year, I just loved it.

 

I did alot of programming, and got alot done in newspapers and phone

books. Some companies still sell my products (I sold out).

 

Around 93 I just lost interest and began feeling very different, had

visions and so on, and my life changed greatly. But depression came at

that time too.

 

It's like this for me: The splits are painful. The split between wanting

to work on higher things, and the mundane work that needs to be done.

The split between abandoning all sense gratification, and wanting it.

The split between Jupiterian approaches and Saturnine approaches to

religion. And so on. There's too many diverging things in my chart,

that's what's hard on me I feel, and Saturn on the midheaven- workaholism.

 

Both the woman who know me best say that I'm a perfectionist, narcicist,

control freak, nagger, eccentric, over-sexed, dark, depressed,

religious, brilliant, hard to keep up with, scary.

 

It's true I want to accomplish alot, a real lot. I have so many toys for

serving and want to use them all. I feel preassure, lots of preassure.

I'm not attracted to anything much in the world at all, like doing

anything. I don't watch TV or movies. I only care about thinking about

the soul, and working on stuff for that same thing. That's my only

juice, and my woman, when I have one. These two things I love. And

programming, when the other two are fine. Working in general, if the

other two are fine. What I've learned is that I'm not good at being

alone. It's a problem in my family.

 

We were isolated kids I've learned, an isolated family, because we were

obviously overpopulated with 11 kids and just a Mom after some years,

and we were poor for our neibhorhood. See, I grew up in the Oakland

Hills in a rich area. It's part of what burned down in that huge fire

years ago in the late 80's in the Oakland Berkeley area.

 

So anyway, our Mom felt bad for her image and so stayed in and didn't

mingle at all, and just did her life of service for Jesus and died that

way. For her, life ended after a few kids and became just that. So

anyway, we don't know how to be alone or mingle. It's kindof showing up

alot amongst us. Because we're so used to being a group, and we also

weren't around socialization much.

 

Anyway, I amongst them all was the most religious- deeply and heavily

committed. I was a super religious zealot in the 79 to 83 period in

Jupiter Maha Dasha.

 

If you ask me "Why are you depressed" in a NON-astrological sense, it

would be because of social issues and marital issues. Due to

philosophical differences, I have a hard time hanging out with standard

devotees, and this began in 93. That's why my life changed mostly, as I

had to leave a cult essentially, which included getting a divorce, and

leaving all my friends, and so on.

 

Facing that was really very hard. Because I knew- at the SAME time, I

only love Krishna Consciousness STILL. So how does THAT work?

 

Well it does. It's just a different version slightly. That's all. There

are moods, and I cannot deny my own inner souls feelings to be in a

group. I cannot bear the flow of our gatherings, the mood and style of

the many of the going on's....

 

I just can't bear the standard stuff much anymore....so I have no

friends, nowhere to go, but I'm still a devotee, so I just stay home and

work. People, including my kids and many others, have tried to get me

"out", but I just don't get, for years now, what the hell that means.

 

I look at a city, and I see nothing of any interest. So where am I going

to go out to?

 

So I just stay home. Hey, if you love God, and you are artistic, and

have all this computer power, scanner, color laser, internet, CD's,

music equip.., video too, hey, and all the software for it all....if I

just have one friend, that spouse companion, I'm fine, good to

go....rock and roll in creativity for Vishnu!

 

I was fine while I was even unhappily in relationships because that

"person" was there.

 

This is the thing about the last few years. That person has not been

there. For the last few years, it is the only time in my life I lived

alone as an adult. Sure, my kids are with me, but that's it. I don't

"feel" that my children are like equals and a spouse replacement. I feel

alone, even though the kids live with me and they're very nice and all.

 

So this feeling of "alone", absolutely blew me away two years ago and

since then, is when I've had to come to terms with many things. Those

who knew me say six years ago, would know that I was a very different

person, much more cocky and confident, much more arrogant and

offendable. I've been through ALOT of pain since then.

 

I have had a frantic fear these few years of not getting married again,

of always being alone, of being old too soon, and just plain lonliness.

This was like "not acceptable". Somehow, if someone could see that key

in my chart- although many are alone, when I hit it at 39 yrs old, I

really freaked out and the freak out has lasted years. This is something

I don't really see, or haven't looked for, but this would be something,

if someone said in an astro session "Das, you CANNOT handle being alone right?"

 

That would get me big time, if someone pulled that one out.

 

There are definitely issues with parents. I never really had parenting,

but really loved my mother, but didn't know my father, but I respect him

fully and he deserves that.

 

I have 10 brothers and sisters, all from same parents. All still alive.

There are 22 grand children of my parents now, and some great

grandchildren too.

 

One of my ancestors claimed and got all of berkeley as his farm. He was

one of the first white settlers in California or something like that.

The university is where his mansion was. Everthing grand and pure Irish

on my mothers side. My dads side is humble from Ohio. I never met ANY of

my relatives on Dads side, but met ALL on my Moms side. There is no

inheretence to speak of from either or any other relative.

 

I was kidded constantly as a child for "having way too big of a head"

 

It was true. My head was huge when I was a kid, like same size as now.

 

My childhood was traumatic emotionally. I can remember pre-talk events.

 

I've had many lung infections in childhood. I wet my bed til 8. I've

always preferred the company of woman over men, even in youth

always....played with girls. Never excelled around men or boys at all,

always a failure at boy stuff in youth. My only asset was that I was

smarter than all of them, that's how I got back at my brothers, friends,

etc., for treating me small. So I have this "show off" and "prove

myself" syndrome to get attention and stand out. This still shows.

 

I was my mothers first "mistake" after six wanted children. Somehow, she

couldn't tend to me, and just left me in the crib for many years when

young. It just had to be I suppose. I remember it, holding onto the bar

and staring out the window crying and crying, somtimes with a wet bed,

and so on.

 

I've travelled all over the world quite a bit, like 4 times all around.

26 countries total, so that long distance travel thing worked out there.

 

I've received tons of love through letters and email from people I've

never seen. Huge stacks. It's great. But one reading says "More

acquaintances than friends" and this is definitely true. One of my

recent panic attacks, I remember, including fretting in my head over and

over that I could not figure out who was my best friend, because I

didn't have one anymore. But I know thousands, and thousands know of me,

all over, but I'm always alone. So that's that 11th house- it's prolific

in some senses, even the Ketu expands the 11th because it's a desire

house, and with the black hole, one feels the loss, and rushes to fill

it. So I think. Maybe wrong.

 

Anyway, the readings for the Moon and Ketu there-somewhat successful

readings, but also, it's been a very weird friend thing in this life,

very strange. Could never get that together. People just either bore me

completely, or they're pretty woman. Those are the two kind of people

for me sometimes. Pretty damn honest huh?

 

If someone is full of grace, and cheer, and energetic, and educated,

talkative, giving, loving and humble, then I'd be interested.

 

But when you're needy, you're greatful if ANYBODY would be your friend.

Pickiness is also judgement or discretion. It may be stripped, or it's

privvy anyway. But even still when we shouldn't, we hang onto such

distinguishments in our own minds, and we die thinking more of ourselves

than anyone else ever did. Our mental bodies are much bigger than our

capabilities at times, and there goes too our conditions for friends and

spouses, causing us to hear "lower your bar" many times.

 

Vishnu and all of divinity, and this world too, full of beauty in math,

physics, rays, planes, lines, circles, relationships of all these,

energy types, different wavelengths, overlapping dimensions, multiple

use of space by different dimensions or wavelengths that literally

cannot see each other therefore, and so on.

 

With all this going on, and the tools as they are today, I'm going NUTS

with ideas of what can be done to display all this grand divine fun.

That so few in the West fully embrace the Vedic vision at this time is

hard if you're "full of it". :-)

 

Well, ramble on, hope it was interesting at least,

 

At least I proved the narcicist tag,

 

Das Goravani