DR: Mr Addiction, tell me who you are

[Guest guest]

My counselor suggested I try to journal at the moment of temptation, when I

want to reach for my addictive substance for relief. He said "Face that

impulse. Talk to it. Feel it, what is it. Who is it. What is it saying" etc.

 

So I tried to remember this. Tonite, the feeling came, reach for the pipe, do

it do it....as usual...so I sat down, and faced the feeling. I booted up my

journal, put my hands on the keyboard correctly, closed my eyes, and began to

speak to my feelings directly. I typed the conversation as it happened. It

didn't last long. I got it right away. You'll see.

 

I realize I am crucifying myself these days willingly. I don't care. Tonite I

got a letter from a girl saying that this stuff I've typed, turned her onto

Primrose Oil, and that her life is already changing. She says she feels

happier than ever, and that her Irish based depression is at last seeming to

subside. I was elated. I believe in the results of this honesty. Actually,

I'm truly nervous about what I'm doing, but I believe it's good. I am not the

first to sacrifice personally for what is truly good for others, not the

last, just one.

 

-------

 

Here's my journal entry.

 

-------

 

 

I want to get high.

 

Why?

 

I try to feel it. I can see the thing. I feel him here with me.

 

He's a pushing thought-mood. It's a mood I feel. I can feel him now. I feel

him. He is in front of my eyes. He is a feeling. The feeling says....., what

do you want to say to me feeling..., speak,

 

 

 

"There is too much work, it's too much, I will only work, always work, there

is work see the work, do the work, work work, work

 

you are threatened, run, work, do it please, hurry, you are not safe, unless

you fight hard something will go wrong, something is going to fall apart, no

time for anything else, there is not time to stop, there is threat, what

threat, think hard, find the threat, the enemy is nearby,

 

check all systems, check them again. Test all the parts, straighten

everything, something is wrong, find it, fix it, run, hurry, bombs are

falling, watch out, no friends will help, do it yourself, hurry, work..

 

 

 

end,

 

 

 

can't hear it anymore, this is always what I feel, 24/7, all my life, all the

achievement comes from this very uncomfortable frenzied voice that never

shuts up.

 

 

oh god, no, not that, is it:

 

 

my dad at pearl harbor and iwo jima... the frenzy, the insanity, the bombs,

the bodies, the dieing, the body parts, falling airplanes, fire, death,

everywhere....

 

 

 

 

his disturbance was in the semen perhaps...

 

do we dare to consider we might be made of our parents feelings...

 

 

 

the only time I had a meaningful discussion with my father, was once, in his

old age, I asked him

 

"why do _YOU_ think you fell apart"

 

( he was committed for years to a mental hospital)...

 

he said

 

"After the war, then all the kids (he had 11), I could just see I was going

to have to

 

 

work work work

 

 

for the rest of my life

 

and I just couldn't face it, especially not after the war."

 

 

remember above, the work thing is pushing me...

 

 

 

 

I have always said to my closest:

 

"I feel like I just fought a war. I feel so tired. And I always feel like

there's an emergency, so, get high to bear the war...."

 

 

 

 

My dad was at Pearl, and had to be at sea for the rest of the Japanese war.

He was not given a break once, he was needed the whole time, as his

specialty, measuring near shore depths and mapping, was available only by his

ship, that was all they had in the Pacific. He was decorated and almost got

the highest honor. He got home totally destroyed, had 11 kids, and entered

psychosis. It was never clear why. He died of Parkinsons disease or it's

relatives. Thank God the last part of his life was happy, with a second wife

who loved him and babied the hell out of him. Thank you "Daisy".

 

 

 

Facing my roots and facing my reality. Bearing it to you to show honestly

"this is what I'm doing". For what that's worth to you. I am sick of lies. I

am trying to help make the future full of honesty, and a greater depth of

understanding our humanity all around.

 

 

this is my idea of love

 

 

raghu