Growing Up Spiritually

[Guest guest]

Hi Mark, Mani and Everyone,

 

I have not met Tapani except through email. He has written many letters

to me rich with feeling.

 

As for Kasi's question about Bhagavatam, that little girl was Devi

according to Bhagavatam, yes, and yes in that sense, Kasi V. is right.

 

The Bhagavatam though is rich with strange occurances the likes of which

we have no current real experience. It's easy therefore to see it as

allegory and myth, though I've avoided doing that personally.

 

I'm in a bind that goes like this: Hare Krishna movement and thus

Vaisnava religion asks us to believe many things from old books which we

cannot see or feel these days at all. These things form the basis of the

philosophy, ie, BHAGAVATAM is the basis of the philosophy in general.

 

Following that, some persons rise up as Sannyasis, renouncing contact

with sense gratification in general, including touching the feminine

form, and tell us, the rest of us, to do the same, to be devoted to the

soul, to God, to serving only, and most of us, who cannot do it, feel

guilty or something like guilt, lifelong, trying to "be better".

 

I have followed them for years, served them, tried to do this.

 

Often they have politics between each other, some fall down from their

vows and create strange splinter groups, and others are just very dry

and demanding on followers. Some are I suppose the "right kind".

 

I experienced so much of the negative, the falldowns, the politics, and

so on, that I became a bit uncaring about the whole thing any longer.

 

I now believe is personal spiritual progress. I believe in myself when I

focus. Focus on serving, focus on appreciating God in all things in the

moment, seeing God in everything, seeing God handling me personally. I

believe in my personal spiritual life.

 

Whenever I hear anyone, Hare Krishna or Sakta Bhakta, talking about a

Guru, I become disinterested and even frightened away. I no longer can

relate to worshipping anyone who is at all human as if they are

different or separate from the humanity I experience. I have seen

persons, because of a passing karmic phase or their exalted Kundali,

rise up to the position of being worshipped. I have seen them glow in

their glories for some time, or overall in life, but I can still see the

humanness in them. Knowing that anyone can do this due to karma, and do

the need for others to worship, I'm no longer interested in this process

personally.

 

Like I was told Amma wears a back brace. I can see she's human anyway. I

realize she may "represent" or "carry" some amount of Divine connection,

but to place that really high in my heart, put her picture about my

house, worship that Divinity in her, that I cannot do. I don't have any

need to. It wouldn't change the fact that I am weak personally in so

many ways. It doesn't change my friends who are into her, as they are

still them, with their own faults. It may inspire them somewhat, but

Guru's no longer inspire me. I have overcome or something like that, the

need to worship them, please them, have relationship with them.

 

I do see however that I need to be Guru to myself, and thus to whomever

might learn from me. I think this process is natural. It's like growing

up. At a certain point, you stop looking up to your own father or

mother, and start being one yourself. It's then up to you to learn that

phase of life wherein you lead others.

 

Amma doesn't speak about a Guru that she worships much, and neither did

Prabhupada. Sometimes leaders speak of who inspired them, but usually

they are just themselves, leading others who are spiritually less

experienced, therefore spiritual lineage is alot like material family,

indeed the same words apply, such as "Father", "Mother", "Children" and

the like.

 

Similarly it's also private. My children love me, even if their friends

think I'm whacky. It's a bond that isn't up for public approval.

 

So I've simply graduated. Back in 1979 through 1986 I had heavy contact

with Gurus in the West and in India. I applied myself to this devotion

intensely. I was very much involved in the center of the movement I was

within. I was very devoted to my Gurus, very much so. My devotion was

such that I could convince others, and caused many persons to join the ranks.

 

But the aging process has it's own ways, and now I am a father. I

believe in Divinity wholly. Very much so. This is lifelong. But I

believe in the personal application. I believe you have to do it for

yourself ultimately. Self Realization for yourself and by yourself. It's

up to you what you want to see, what you can embrace, what you can

devote to, and how much effort you will apply.

 

Indeed, the third house, 7th to the ninth, is one with many things that

we all tend to want to avoid. Progress, Courage, Austerity, Activity,

are things which are not comfortable. They are 12th to the house of

"comfort" and "Happiness" (in the present moment).

 

Making progress is difficult. I now face that. I don't look for Divine

Handouts in the form of Prasad, Guru's blessings, Guru's Glances, or

being close to the Guru for others to see and artificially go Ga Ga over

me either. That happens alot. "I'm close to the Guru, Gee aren't I

special". That's commonly found in movements. Indeed, I heard that the

Brahmacarinis around Amma will be quite agressive if you try to

penetrate that close proximity. I'm not surprised. It's common. It's the

same with Groupies around Rock Stars. It's simply the principle of

soaking off another "great" by being close to them.

 

Just a moment ago I awoke from the nights sleep. And as always, I

immediately began to contemplate as I always do, the same thoughts I

always have, which go like this:

 

"Gosh my Lord, I am despicable. I have been a very bad devotee of yours

lately, as always. I have no good devotion to you, and will probably

suffer my due lot in material existence. I am probably currently bound

to suffer greatly and I can't really argue with that verdict. Today, let

me try to be a real devotee. I will overlook my own desires, and try to

stay focused on applying myself in service. I will try to not serve the

material senses. I am afraid of the just and due reactions for this. I

hate myself for being always so stupid in sense gratifications pursuit.

Please help me to not be like I usually am today. I want to be free from

this bind of material nature over my consciousness. Please allow it for once"

 

Something like that. I feel like I am nothing, and the process of

application in spiritual life is everything. I know if I sat around a

Guru today, I would hear all that I've already heard, and would feel

like I am wasting my time re-hearing lessons I already know. It no

longer inspires me to see their progress. I have to do it myself.

Whatever time they spent in meditation or austerities, I have to

duplicate that effort. Without that effort, or third house discomfort, I

cannot expect the rise above matter in myself.

 

I know many persons who spent tons of time, more than me, around Gurus,

and who are no better off for it.

 

So that is who I am. Better or worse, right or wrong, I'm solid in my

disinterest in movements and teachers. That phase is over for me. It's

time for me to be a real devotee of God on my own. I'm an independent

teenager now I suppose. Moved out, got my own place, making my own

spiritual meals, and facing lonely nights. Gotta find my true love, my

lord, on my own. We're all single woman, and God the husband, we must

find, attract, please and satisfy, then we'll feel pregnant with His

love. Something like that.

 

I am not a defender of one faither or another, though I am skeptical

about Divinity being inside anyone, as I've seen so much self fooling

and cheating in this arena myself. But I do still believe, and I'm sure

I'd like anybody I met who is on the path, as I always do. They usually

like me too. I'm optimistic, but very dumb and fallen. Myself, I am more

of a court jestor. I have little austerity, am mostly just a fool for

quick and easy sense gratification, and probably not going to get very

far in the real thing in this life. Such is my lot with Venus in the

first in Aries.

 

Well, enough of this, time to serve, by writing GJ3, my karma, my

dharma, my passion.

 

Love to you all, and to your Gurus, in fact, say Hi from me! Tell them

to ask their Lords (or themselves) to bless me on my path so that I

might make some progress. Wait, does that undo what I said???!!!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Raghu Goravani

 

 

 

 

 

 

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