To Linda & Eric & all on family drama and Balanceof Loneliness

[Guest guest]

Namah Shivaya Eric,

It sounds like you put a lot of effort into your relationship with your

father, and I think it's wonderful that in the end you were able to have

a good relationship with him. I do believe that we all have to meet each

other where we are - we can't be any other place. My husband's mother

was mentally ill, which manifested as unbridled anger, all the time he

was growing up. Through Mother's grace he is giving her some medication

that has mellowed her out a lot. She is now 95 and for the past 2 years

their relationship is better than it has ever been. Given that we are

human, we are all going to be "stuck" somewhere, and we have to deal

with each others "stuckness".

I had a difficult time with my parents because they were alcoholics.

What I was able

to finally figure out as an adult was that I had to plan to be around

them when they weren't drinking. Once that happened things were better.

And looking back on a lot of the craziness on our family, it was the

booze that created the craziness.

 

As children we want our needs met, mostly to be loved. Our parents are

people too, and a lot of them went through very difficult times. I think

as adults we never stop wanting that love, that approval of our parents.

Unfortunately, many parents are unable to give it, because it isn't in

them, or they can't express it. I think it helps to stop and look at the

lives of our parents and how they got to where they are. As

Ananthasree says, "how did this person get this way?" If we have a less

than wonderful relationship with our parents it helps to understand

where they are coming from. True of all relationships.

 

As for "Balance of loneliness" - I kind of think I know what that means,

but can't express it. Maybe it has something to do with what Mother says

about silence. Silence is kind of a form of loneliness, not in the

negative sense, but in being quiet and focused inward. As spiritual

aspirants and as humans we are constantly walking that fine line of

focusing inward, yet outwardly functioning, serving, etc. Hmm. Kind of a

Zen koan. .

 

Jai Ma!

Prasadini

 

ecjensen_us wrote:

> OM NAMAH SIVAYA

>

> Linda, i am so happy to hear of your recent turn of events. your

> talk of drama with your family, is a situation i can totally relate

> to. my father and i had a rocky relationship for many years.  he

> battled with depression ever since i can remember and many times it

> resulted in actions of anger towards us and even himself. he even

> tried to commit suicide a couple times. when we did talk would i try

> to make suggestions to help improve his state of mind, which only

> seemed to make him angrier. i finally realized that if i was to have

> a relationship with him it had to be on his terms. by that i mean i

> had to accept him as he was, lend a sympathetic ear, and basically

> meet him where he was at. not where i wanted him to be. anyway, when

> i did that our relationship improved dramatically. we often laughed

> together and never really fought again. mainly because i wouldn't

> let us. he died recently and now that he is gone i am glad that we

> had the relationship we had, even if not what i would have chosen.

>

> i have an intuitive healer friend who told me that my dad would try

> to contact me again. that what my dad really wanted was not to be

> helped, but he wanted to be able to help me. she told me because of

> his own issues my father regretted not having the opportunity to be

> a teacher to me and that now since he was on another plane he would

> try to somehow help me. bring me some knowledge, the thing he felt

> he wasn't able to do while living. well a few nights ago i had a

> dream with my father. i remember clearly he had something like a

> dhoti and talked to me about the balance of loneliness. i know

> what `balance of loneliness' means to me but it sounds like a

> Buddhist term or something.  does anyone know what 'the balance of

> loneliness' means?  any input would be greatly appreciated.

>

> i guess my point in this not so short post is that with family we

> can't easily walk away, and if we do want to maintain a relationship

> we may have to redefine it based on their needs not our wants. -eric

>

> JAI MA

 

 

Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha!

 

 

 

 

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