Guest guest Posted May 2, 2006 Report Share Posted May 2, 2006 OM NAMAH SIVAYA i am sorry to hear of your difficulties. i can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel from the loss of your Uma. we don't have the benefit of seeing the whole picture of life but we must have faith that all happens within God's plan. the arrangements that didn't work out can be viewed as blessings compared to the misery of an unsuitable marriage. a spouse may compliment our life, but only God will complete it. your sadhana can bring you peace. we can only pray for God's grace to shower us and lay our troubles at Her feet. JAI MA Ammachi, "mahadevanv" <mahadevanv> wrote: > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > Brothers and sisters, > > At times I feel thoroughly dejected due to the recent happenings > in my life. > > I have been seeing Amma from 1996 and I really feel happy when I > am at the retreat. I have been to Amma's retreat three times and > planning to attend the retreat at Boston this summer. I do IAM > Meditation everyday and am chanting the Mantra I got from Amma everyday. > > During Oct: 2003 I had to face a collar bone fracture and was down > for six weeks. I didn't feel bad then. In July 2004 my wife Uma died of > brin haemorrage and I was thoroughly shaken. She was the only person I > thought gave me the required moral support for progressing in life. We > were married for ten years and we were devoted to Amma and absolutely > honest with each other. > > Even today at times I think about Uma. But loneliness is a very > difficult thing to cope up in life and so myself and my parents started > searching for alliance as is the Indian custom. My marriage was fixed > with a girl in Maryland in Oct: 31, 2004. but two days before the > wedding was to take place, she quarrelled and the wedding was called > off. Then my marriage was fixed again in India in Aug: 2005. This time > the girl was talking nicely for a good number of months and I was > anticipating the wedding. However on the day before the marriage she > had other ideas and the wedding was called off. This she told after I > went all the way to India. Then again my marriage was fixed on Jan: > 2006 and the wedding took place. For five days my wife was nice to me . > But after five days she left me and applied for divorce. The divorce > process is going on and I am again alone. > > At times I really feel depressed as I can't imagine a life in > which I am to live perpetually lonely. I still look for a life as a > householder and long for a life partner. Today I wrote as my concerns > to Amma four letters on how I feel. If Amma looks into the needs of her > children, why is She playing with me this way? I can admit I intend no > harm to anyone. I find it difficult to concentrate on my work. > > I am sorry if what I wrote is offensive. But I can't suppress or > ignore my feelings. > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > Mahadevan Venkitaraman > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! Terms of Service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2006 Report Share Posted May 3, 2006 OM NAMAH SIVAYA i can totally relate to what you say about the negative impressions we pick up in childhood. not many of us escape childhood without picking up some negativity from somebody. this morning i read the Sivananda quote below and it made me think of your post and the true purpose of life's adversities. it's interesting that many responded to your post by saying something to the effect that it is all Amma's lila, created for us to evolve. yet many others said that you should ask Amma for help. it seems if She creates the situations for our evolution then isn't asking Her what to do about them kind of preaching to the choir, so to speak? are they to break us down, so that we will depend on Her even more? or are the adversities for us to learn where we're stuck and to learn to trust The Guru within? it seems seva and sadhana She asks of us are really tools to teach us Self Love. and of course to nix the ego. to Love our Self enough to trust our Self. to me your last sentence really says it all, Love thy neighbor as thySelf. i think your totally right, loving ourSelf is a prerequisite to being able to Love others. because the Reality is thy neighbor is thySelf. thanks for so much for me to consider. "In life, too frequently, we avoid the challenges, looking for the easy way out. We look for people who will "cut our cocoons" so that we never have to work and push our way through anything. However, little do we realise that it is going through those times of difficulty that prepare us for the road ahead. The obstacles in our path are God's way of making us able to fly. With every bit of pushing and struggling, our wings become fuller and fuller. So frequently, people come to me and say, "Oh! Why has God given me so much strife? Why has He put so many obstacles in my path? Why is He punishing me?" We must realise these are not punishments. Karma plays a large role in what we receive in this lifetime, but even the things that seem like "bad" karma, are actually opportunities for growth. Even an extra small hole to squeeze through is actually an opportunity for our wings to expand to great lengths." -Sivananda JAI MA Ammachi, "mahadevanv" <mahadevanv> wrote: > > Brothers and Sisters > Om Namah Shivaya! > > Thank you very much for all your answers for my mail indicating > my dejection. I feel very nice after reading Iswari's reply. > > Interestingly this is my own experience of how I am being. I > get into depressing feelings in patches. At times, I find that I have > faith in Amma and that Amma provides me with all the choices in my > life. I feel new energy and I have been able to finish all the > pending jobs. Though I am going through divorce which can be painful, > I won't say I am immobilised and I find myself removing the clutters > at my home as well as the software I am developing. This is a clear > indication of the fact that I am getting cleaned internally by my > association with Amma. What Amma is indicating me is being the child > of Universal Mother, I can get whatever I choose. But that is not the > way I feel always because of the way I was brought up which was a > steep negative environment. Even now I feel depressed after talking > to my parents. One can imagine how it will be as these days my > parents are staying with me. Till my association with Amma, I closely > followed my parents and so I am to carry a lot of negative > impressions. I understand Amma does the work of cleaning me > internally which can be as painful as surgery. That explains my > troubles. Also when I am lonely, I can get to like myself better. As > Jesus said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself." From that we can deduce, > when we like ourselves better, we can like others. > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > Mahadevan venkitaraman > > Ammachi, "ammasiswari" <ammasiswari@> wrote: > > > > Dear Mahadevan, > > > > I feel for you, most deeply. While my experience is not the same as > yours, there are some > > parallels. My husband and I, who have been married for six years, > have been through four > > years of hard-core infertility treatments (which Amma instructed us > to pursue when we > > discussed our situation with her) and our only pregnancy ended in a > miscarriage of twins. > > I'm not sure I could begin to convey the depth of our grief, pain, > emptiness and despair. > > For a long time, it felt as if it was without end, although I now > know that this was illusory. > > > > I could speculate about why all of this befell us and there is so > much literature on why bad > > things happen to "good" people...but I couldn't have imagined an > intellectual answer that > > would have satisfied. There is a film about C.S. Lewis' > relationship with the love of his life, > > who died young of cancer. I remember one line toward the end where > he, who had long > > prided himself on knowing all the answers, says, "I have no answers > anymore, only the life > > that I have lived." I still wouldn't necessarily say that I have > any "answers," but even though > > we are still childless, I've learned and grown so much from this > experience that I can > > honestly say that I don't regret any of what I suffered, even as I > wouldn't wish it on anyone! > > > > Rumi once wrote that, "There is a secret medicine given only to > those who hurt so hard > > they can't hope." I can attest to the truth of this...although it's > often not what you'd expect. > > Sometimes, our needs aren't what we think they are. I thought I > needed a child. While I still > > hope to have a child someday, in whatever way that may > unfold....what I really needed was > > surrender, acceptance, faith and the willingness to allow Amma to > heal my heart. That may > > sound like a strange thing to say. If I was suffering so much, why > would I not be open to > > healing? Because I had to be willing to give up my grasping...and > that took me a long time. > > > > Tom has a very good point that, while that there are many stories > of devotees who > > approach Amma asking to be blessed with a partner or a child or > whatever their heart > > desires most, there are many of us who have been disappointed for > years on end. At the > > same time, I will tell you that I feel deeply blessed by the gifts > my journey has born. > > > > For a long time, I had this fantasy of being able to share a story > of Amma blessing us with > > a child. At present, I'm not sure when or whether that particular > story will be mine to > > tell....but the story that I do have to tell is a rich and > miraculous one, in its own right. > > > > Mahadevan, I pray that you will, indeed, be blessed with a > companion...but more than that, > > I pray that the places within you that are lonely and sad realize > wholeness, peace, love and > > joy, regardless of your external circumstances. Sort of in line > with Tom suggested about > > finding solace in the Oneness of Spirt, I found that this verse > from the Upanishads, which > > is sometimes chanted at Amma's satsangs during the closing prayers > was so freeing: > > > > Om purna mada purna midam ~ That is the Whole; this is the Whole > > Purnaat purnam udachyate ~ From the Whole, the Whole arises > > Purnasya purnam adaaya ~ Taking away the Whole from the Whole > > Purnam eva vasishyate ~ The Whole remains > > > > At first, these were just words to me, but at one point...I just > knew it. I hope you will, too. > > > > And I am so truly sorry for your loss... > > > > In Amma's Love, > > Iswari > > > > Ammachi, "mahadevanv" <mahadevanv@> wrote: > > > > > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > > > > > Brothers and sisters, > > > > > > At times I feel thoroughly dejected due to the recent > happenings > > > in my life. > > > > > > I have been seeing Amma from 1996 and I really feel happy > when I > > > am at the retreat. I have been to Amma's retreat three times and > > > planning to attend the retreat at Boston this summer. I do IAM > > > Meditation everyday and am chanting the Mantra I got from Amma > everyday. > > > > > > During Oct: 2003 I had to face a collar bone fracture and > was down > > > for six weeks. I didn't feel bad then. In July 2004 my wife Uma > died of > > > brin haemorrage and I was thoroughly shaken. She was the only > person I > > > thought gave me the required moral support for progressing in > life. We > > > were married for ten years and we were devoted to Amma and > absolutely > > > honest with each other. > > > > > > Even today at times I think about Uma. But loneliness is a > very > > > difficult thing to cope up in life and so myself and my parents > started > > > searching for alliance as is the Indian custom. My marriage was > fixed > > > with a girl in Maryland in Oct: 31, 2004. but two days before the > > > wedding was to take place, she quarrelled and the wedding was > called > > > off. Then my marriage was fixed again in India in Aug: 2005. This > time > > > the girl was talking nicely for a good number of months and I was > > > anticipating the wedding. However on the day before the marriage > she > > > had other ideas and the wedding was called off. This she told > after I > > > went all the way to India. Then again my marriage was fixed on > Jan: > > > 2006 and the wedding took place. For five days my wife was nice > to me . > > > But after five days she left me and applied for divorce. The > divorce > > > process is going on and I am again alone. > > > > > > At times I really feel depressed as I can't imagine a life > in > > > which I am to live perpetually lonely. I still look for a life as > a > > > householder and long for a life partner. Today I wrote as my > concerns > > > to Amma four letters on how I feel. If Amma looks into the needs > of her > > > children, why is She playing with me this way? I can admit I > intend no > > > harm to anyone. I find it difficult to concentrate on my work. > > > > > > I am sorry if what I wrote is offensive. But I can't suppress > or > > > ignore my feelings. > > > > > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > > > > > Mahadevan Venkitaraman > > > > > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! Terms of Service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 3, 2006 Report Share Posted May 3, 2006 Om Namah Shivaya! I totally agree with what you say. At times, I am able to understand what Amma says only after months. One reason people suffer is because they settle into a comfort zone and won't like to come out of the limits they have created for themselves in the childhood days imbibing the teachings from the elders. This is not something Amma expects in us. We find ourselves like chickens, make decisions out of fear and at times don't give full justice to our feelings. Amma, the SatGuru takes pains to show that we are to soar like eagles. But for us old habits die hard and only in the right situations we could imbibe the lessons. Mahadevan venkitaraman Ammachi, "ecjensen_us" <ecjensen_us> wrote: > > OM NAMAH SIVAYA > > i can totally relate to what you say about the negative impressions > we pick up in childhood. not many of us escape childhood without > picking up some negativity from somebody. this morning i read the > Sivananda quote below and it made me think of your post and the true > purpose of life's adversities. it's interesting that many responded > to your post by saying something to the effect that it is all Amma's > lila, created for us to evolve. yet many others said that you > should ask Amma for help. it seems if She creates the situations > for our evolution then isn't asking Her what to do about them kind > of preaching to the choir, so to speak? are they to break us down, > so that we will depend on Her even more? or are the adversities for > us to learn where we're stuck and to learn to trust The Guru within? > > it seems seva and sadhana She asks of us are really tools to teach > us Self Love. and of course to nix the ego. to Love our Self enough > to trust our Self. to me your last sentence really says it all, Love > thy neighbor as thySelf. i think your totally right, loving ourSelf > is a prerequisite to being able to Love others. because the Reality > is thy neighbor is thySelf. thanks for so much for me to consider. > > > "In life, too frequently, we avoid the challenges, looking for the > easy way out. We look for people who will "cut our cocoons" so that > we never have to work and push our way through anything. However, > little do we realise that it is going through those times of > difficulty that prepare us for the road ahead. The obstacles in our > path are God's way of making us able to fly. With every bit of > pushing and struggling, our wings become fuller and fuller. So > frequently, people come to me and say, "Oh! Why has God given me so > much strife? Why has He put so many obstacles in my path? Why is He > punishing me?" We must realise these are not punishments. Karma > plays a large role in what we receive in this lifetime, but even the > things that seem like "bad" karma, are actually opportunities for > growth. Even an extra small hole to squeeze through is actually an > opportunity for our wings to expand to great lengths." -Sivananda > > JAI MA > > Ammachi, "mahadevanv" <mahadevanv@> wrote: > > > > Brothers and Sisters > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > > > Thank you very much for all your answers for my mail > indicating > > my dejection. I feel very nice after reading Iswari's reply. > > > > Interestingly this is my own experience of how I am being. I > > get into depressing feelings in patches. At times, I find that I > have > > faith in Amma and that Amma provides me with all the choices in my > > life. I feel new energy and I have been able to finish all the > > pending jobs. Though I am going through divorce which can be > painful, > > I won't say I am immobilised and I find myself removing the > clutters > > at my home as well as the software I am developing. This is a > clear > > indication of the fact that I am getting cleaned internally by my > > association with Amma. What Amma is indicating me is being the > child > > of Universal Mother, I can get whatever I choose. But that is not > the > > way I feel always because of the way I was brought up which was a > > steep negative environment. Even now I feel depressed after > talking > > to my parents. One can imagine how it will be as these days my > > parents are staying with me. Till my association with Amma, I > closely > > followed my parents and so I am to carry a lot of negative > > impressions. I understand Amma does the work of cleaning me > > internally which can be as painful as surgery. That explains my > > troubles. Also when I am lonely, I can get to like myself better. > As > > Jesus said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself." From that we can > deduce, > > when we like ourselves better, we can like others. > > > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > > > Mahadevan venkitaraman > > > > Ammachi, "ammasiswari" <ammasiswari@> wrote: > > > > > > Dear Mahadevan, > > > > > > I feel for you, most deeply. While my experience is not the same > as > > yours, there are some > > > parallels. My husband and I, who have been married for six > years, > > have been through four > > > years of hard-core infertility treatments (which Amma instructed > us > > to pursue when we > > > discussed our situation with her) and our only pregnancy ended > in a > > miscarriage of twins. > > > I'm not sure I could begin to convey the depth of our grief, > pain, > > emptiness and despair. > > > For a long time, it felt as if it was without end, although I > now > > know that this was illusory. > > > > > > I could speculate about why all of this befell us and there is > so > > much literature on why bad > > > things happen to "good" people...but I couldn't have imagined an > > intellectual answer that > > > would have satisfied. There is a film about C.S. Lewis' > > relationship with the love of his life, > > > who died young of cancer. I remember one line toward the end > where > > he, who had long > > > prided himself on knowing all the answers, says, "I have no > answers > > anymore, only the life > > > that I have lived." I still wouldn't necessarily say that I have > > any "answers," but even though > > > we are still childless, I've learned and grown so much from this > > experience that I can > > > honestly say that I don't regret any of what I suffered, even as > I > > wouldn't wish it on anyone! > > > > > > Rumi once wrote that, "There is a secret medicine given only to > > those who hurt so hard > > > they can't hope." I can attest to the truth of this...although > it's > > often not what you'd expect. > > > Sometimes, our needs aren't what we think they are. I thought I > > needed a child. While I still > > > hope to have a child someday, in whatever way that may > > unfold....what I really needed was > > > surrender, acceptance, faith and the willingness to allow Amma > to > > heal my heart. That may > > > sound like a strange thing to say. If I was suffering so much, > why > > would I not be open to > > > healing? Because I had to be willing to give up my > grasping...and > > that took me a long time. > > > > > > Tom has a very good point that, while that there are many > stories > > of devotees who > > > approach Amma asking to be blessed with a partner or a child or > > whatever their heart > > > desires most, there are many of us who have been disappointed > for > > years on end. At the > > > same time, I will tell you that I feel deeply blessed by the > gifts > > my journey has born. > > > > > > For a long time, I had this fantasy of being able to share a > story > > of Amma blessing us with > > > a child. At present, I'm not sure when or whether that > particular > > story will be mine to > > > tell....but the story that I do have to tell is a rich and > > miraculous one, in its own right. > > > > > > Mahadevan, I pray that you will, indeed, be blessed with a > > companion...but more than that, > > > I pray that the places within you that are lonely and sad > realize > > wholeness, peace, love and > > > joy, regardless of your external circumstances. Sort of in line > > with Tom suggested about > > > finding solace in the Oneness of Spirt, I found that this verse > > from the Upanishads, which > > > is sometimes chanted at Amma's satsangs during the closing > prayers > > was so freeing: > > > > > > Om purna mada purna midam ~ That is the Whole; this is the Whole > > > Purnaat purnam udachyate ~ From the Whole, the Whole arises > > > Purnasya purnam adaaya ~ Taking away the Whole from the Whole > > > Purnam eva vasishyate ~ The Whole remains > > > > > > At first, these were just words to me, but at one point...I just > > knew it. I hope you will, too. > > > > > > And I am so truly sorry for your loss... > > > > > > In Amma's Love, > > > Iswari > > > > > > Ammachi, "mahadevanv" <mahadevanv@> wrote: > > > > > > > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > > > > > > > Brothers and sisters, > > > > > > > > At times I feel thoroughly dejected due to the recent > > happenings > > > > in my life. > > > > > > > > I have been seeing Amma from 1996 and I really feel > happy > > when I > > > > am at the retreat. I have been to Amma's retreat three times > and > > > > planning to attend the retreat at Boston this summer. I do IAM > > > > Meditation everyday and am chanting the Mantra I got from Amma > > everyday. > > > > > > > > During Oct: 2003 I had to face a collar bone fracture and > > was down > > > > for six weeks. I didn't feel bad then. In July 2004 my wife > Uma > > died of > > > > brin haemorrage and I was thoroughly shaken. She was the only > > person I > > > > thought gave me the required moral support for progressing in > > life. We > > > > were married for ten years and we were devoted to Amma and > > absolutely > > > > honest with each other. > > > > > > > > Even today at times I think about Uma. But loneliness is > a > > very > > > > difficult thing to cope up in life and so myself and my > parents > > started > > > > searching for alliance as is the Indian custom. My marriage > was > > fixed > > > > with a girl in Maryland in Oct: 31, 2004. but two days before > the > > > > wedding was to take place, she quarrelled and the wedding was > > called > > > > off. Then my marriage was fixed again in India in Aug: 2005. > This > > time > > > > the girl was talking nicely for a good number of months and I > was > > > > anticipating the wedding. However on the day before the > marriage > > she > > > > had other ideas and the wedding was called off. This she told > > after I > > > > went all the way to India. Then again my marriage was fixed on > > Jan: > > > > 2006 and the wedding took place. For five days my wife was > nice > > to me . > > > > But after five days she left me and applied for divorce. The > > divorce > > > > process is going on and I am again alone. > > > > > > > > At times I really feel depressed as I can't imagine a > life > > in > > > > which I am to live perpetually lonely. I still look for a life > as > > a > > > > householder and long for a life partner. Today I wrote as my > > concerns > > > > to Amma four letters on how I feel. If Amma looks into the > needs > > of her > > > > children, why is She playing with me this way? I can admit I > > intend no > > > > harm to anyone. I find it difficult to concentrate on my work. > > > > > > > > I am sorry if what I wrote is offensive. But I can't > suppress > > or > > > > ignore my feelings. > > > > > > > > Om Namah Shivaya! > > > > > > > > Mahadevan Venkitaraman > > > > > > > > > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! Terms of Service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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