PROF. ANIL KUMAR’S INSPIRATIONAL TALKS - 1

[Guest guest]

PROF. ANIL KUMAR’S INSPIRATIONAL TALKS - 1

Prashanthi Nilayam - October 27, 2002

 

SWAMI’S ILLNESS

My Own Personal Experiences OM… OM… OM… Sai Ram. With Pranams at the Lotus Feet of

Bhagawan, Dear Brothers and Sisters!

The Completion of Sixty Years

There have been repeated requests from friends – in fact they have been demands,

so I can't just say requests -- asking me to share my personal experiences with

devotees, which I have not done so far. (Applause) I feel that it amounts to

self-praise and I am hesitant that it may not help others. My experiences may

not help others and it may also exhibit my vanity or ego. These have been my

misgivings or misapprehensions regarding the subject of sharing my personal

experiences.

There is one milestone in each individual life. It is clearly stated that one

has to totally dedicate himself to his own liberation, for his own salvation.

One lives for a job; one struggles hard for money; one strives very much to

settle his children; but after sixty, completing sixty, the scriptures clearly

say, "My dear boy, it is time to retire. You can no longer involve yourself in

avenues of income, and it’s not proper to think

of professional promotions. It is absolutely foolish to think of your name, fame

and esteem because after sixty, the time you have left is to live for yourself.

You are no longer going to live for your family; you are not going to be

interested in wealth or name, dignity or prestige - nothing! It is time for you

to meditate, to reflect, to go within, to turn inward."

The completion of sixty years in our scriptures is called ‘Shasthi Poorti’.

‘Shashti’ means ‘sixty’ and ‘poorti’ means ‘completed’. As I have completed

Shasthi Poorti, I take this opportunity today to share my experiences in all

humility and in all reverence.

First, let me express my gratitude from the bottom of my heart. I really mean

100% of what I say. I'm grateful to every one of you for all the encouragement

that you have given me, for all the support you have extended to me, for all

the rapt attention with which you have heard my talks. You have made me go

through Sai literature in depth. You have helped me to just reach across the

shores of Sai literature. You have helped me to go into the depth of Sai

philosophy. Therefore kindly accept my grateful thanks each and every one of

you.

Had there not been this Satsang, this assembly of noble souls, it would not have

been possible for me to come out with these topics of immense interest. Because

there have been continuous requests, even demands, from friends, this morning I

seek your permission to speak on a personal note. I'm sure that you must know me

by now, that you’ll never misunderstand me. In all humility, I submit to you my

own experiences.

My Grandfathers

I came to the Lotus Feet of Bhagawan in the year 1970, thirty-two years ago. To

tell you honestly, I belonged to a family of Brahmo Samaj. Brahmo Samaj happens

to be an improvement, if I am to say, or the modern presentation of Hindu faith.

Raja Rammohan Roy founded Brahmo Samaj. He was very much interested in woman’s

emancipation and very much interested in a classless society. Brahmo Samaj

doesn’t believe in idolatry; it does not accept worship. Brahmo Samaj’s

emphasis is on meditation, on God who is attributeless and formless,

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end. Brahmo Samaj believes in the fellowship of faiths, the equality of all

religions. It does not accept yagnas, yagas, worship or pictures or

incarnations – anything whatsoever.

I belong to the third generation of Bramo faith. My maternal grandfather and my

paternal grandfather, who were classmates, later became related. Both of them

were Brahmo Samaj missionaries for sixty years.

My maternal grandfather served as editor of one magazine, a spiritual magazine,

with all the details of philosophy, by name ‘Darshan Sadhani’, which means ‘The

Spiritual Path along the Path of Dharma’. For forty-five years, he was editor of

that magazine.

My paternal grandfather served for fifty years as editor of another magazine,

‘Dharma Jyothi’ -- ‘The Light of Righteousness’. Sri Kandakuri Veresharam

Pantulu, a great reformer from the state of Andhra Pradesh, married both of

them. Both of them happened to be Brahmo Samaj missionaries.

In our homes, we did not have any pictures of Rama, Krishna - nothing whatsoever

- no formal worship, no ritual, nothing except prayers and meditation. I

belonged to that kind of family.

My Mother and Father

A matter of personal note I should also tell you: My father, late Sri K.

Bappayya did his MA in English literature, MSc honours in physics, BEd diploma

in library science. He was an outstanding student and a gold medallist. He

retired as the Deputy Director of Higher Education.

Then there is my mother: I want to tell you two points in this connection. In

those days, it was a matter of sin for a girl to go to school or to college. No

woman had any higher education - none. Every girl got married below the age of

eight. That was the horrible situation of the society here in this country.

My grandfather, being a Brahmo Samaj reformer and missionary, had my mother

educated up to the post-graduate degree, MA English literature from Queen

Mary’s College, Madras. She was the gold medallist in English literature in the

former Madras State.

When my mother used to go off to college, it seems that most of the people came

out of their houses and watched her proceed into the college. They condemned my

grandfather, as he was the man who sent a daughter off like this. That was the

condition then. The fact is that she was the first lady graduate from the state

of Andhra Pradesh. (Applause) She retired as the District Education Officer. My

father is no more, but my mother is eighty-six, still hale and healthy, a very

honest officer. (Applause)

Naturally, there are very few Brahmo Samaj families today. We are three brothers

and a sister, so it was difficult to get us married to those belonging to the

Brahmo Samaj. It was not easy because we do not have enough Brahmo families.

However, there was some attraction because the Brahmo Samaj does not accept or

approve of any dowry. That was a matter of attraction for perspective brides to

visit us. (Laughter) So there was no dowry and only a few people there to offer

their daughters in marriage to all three of the brothers. Some of that was the

only incentive for them, and somehow, by God's Grace, we got married.

(Laughter) Or else it would not have been possible!

It really is a matter of surprise when I look at my only three wedding photos. I

see my mother-in-law with a long face and my father-in-law with no cheer on his

face. They look very worried about their daughter. This girl would be stepping

into a family where there is no worship, where there is no Pooja, no Rama or

Krishna pictures. ‘Is she going to live or not? What are these fellows going to

do?’ I read that _expression on their faces. Even today, I amuse myself by

looking at the photographs taken in those days.

My College Days

I very well remember my college days. One day I attended a thread ceremony,

upanayanam, of one of my classmates. It was lunchtime and suddenly word was

sent to me, "You’ll be served food on the veranda." (Laughter) Everyone else

could fit inside. The only reason for this was that I happened to be the son

and grandson of Brahmo Samaj followers, who don’t believe in idolatry, who

don’t have a thread ceremony, who don’t observe the caste system, who believed

in reforms, who believed in woman’s emancipation. So they said, "You’ll have

your food on the veranda."

I was studying SLC at that time, in 1957. Immediately I said, "Don’t take the

trouble of serving the food on the veranda. I’ll have my food at home." That’s

one thing I very much remember. Since then, I have never visited their home.

I also remember another incident of one of my classmates who celebrated Sita

Rama Kalyana, the holy wedding of Rama and Sita. It is performed annually by

some of the families. I went there. When they served special sweets and other

items, they asked me to go on the veranda, saying they were serving food to me

outside the house. I said, "Please keep it for yourself, thank you very much."

I left the house.

Then I started to imagine the face of my parents. If that was the situation in

the 1950’s, you can imagine the position in the 1930’s. Both grandfathers were

not allowed by their parents to be with them because they did not approve of

idolatry of anything whatsoever. That was my position in those days. Somehow

things went on like that.

My Wife’s Operation and Temple Visits

To cut the story short, in the year 1970, we had a problem. I have four

children. They are all happily married and well settled, but in those days, in

1970, the eldest was seven years old, while the youngest was a few months old.

My wife had a problem. People said that she had developed an ulcer on the

uterus. I consulted about seven doctors all over Guntur, some of who were

returning from foreign countries. I spent a lot of money to have a second

opinion, a third opinion -- like that, repeated opinions. Everyone said that

she must be operated upon immediately because the ulcer might turn into cancer.

That’s what they said. Even professors of gynecology said the same

thing.

It was a hot summer. Left with no option, I got her operated on and it was a

success. Later she was psychologically upset. She felt that something was wrong

with her; and she could not eat anything, but only drink buttermilk, that’s all.

She said that she felt a burning sensation. Therefore, I took her to about

thirteen doctors, all over Guntur. Today whenever I meet a doctor, he says,

"How is your wife?" I feel very much embarrassed. I wish that I could avoid all

these doctors because in those days, that situation had become the talk of the

town. All of them said, "She’s fine. Nothing is wrong with her." We became a

laughing stalk to our own parents. "When doctors say nothing’s wrong with her,

why is she

complaining of burning sensation and why is she unable to eat anything?"

At that time someone said, "Why don’t you take her to a temple?" As Brahmo

Samaj’s do not visit temples, what could we do? Then I told her, "Since you

come from a traditional orthodox Brahmin family, and as I am a democrat, I

don’t mind taking you to the temple." (Laughter) So everyday we used to visit a

temple, accompanied by our four children

There was one condition -- I would always remain outside the temple. She would

go inside. I didn’t want to be transformed or converted! (Laughter) I wanted to

stick to my own guns. She was quite happy that she was going to the temple

everyday. I made my children play there and I played with them. That was my

part during that time.

"Why Don’t We Go To Puttaparthi?"

Finally, one day when we were returning, we heard some Bhajans somewhere. My

wife said, "Why don’t we go there?" Immediately we went there and heard

Bhajans. For the first time, I saw Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba’s photo. I had

not seen His picture before. I had only heard about Him.

In college I used to speak -- not positively – about Bhagawan. In fact, one day

a girl was wearing a locket with Bhagawan’s picture, so I sent her out of

class!

"You have no business having Baba’s picture in my class." (Laughter)

And, when a student wore a ring, I asked him to get out of the classroom, I used

to say, "Don’t ask me important questions for the examination because I'm not

Sathya Sai Baba."

In addition, if anybody came with a mop of hair, I used to joke, "Would you like

to imitate Sai Baba?" (Laughter)

In those days, that was my pitiable, shameful, meaningless prejudice and bias,

an inexcusable, unpardonable frame of mind.

After attending the Bhajan, my wife said, "Why don’t we go to Puttaparthi?" (Laughter)

The family that does not approve of Rama, Krishna or Venkateswara, now we are to

go to Puttaparthi! It was something like the boon that Kaika asked from

Dasaratha, which eventually lead to Dasaratha’s death. (Laughter)

I said, "You have been so good until now. I don’t know why you have become

Kaika. How can I take you to Puttaparthi? Impossible! My parents won't

approve."

I came from a joint family, where parents and grandparents all live together. "They won’t approve. "

She said, "Would you like me to survive or not? Can you give me a guarantee that

you will take care of these four children, thank you?" (Laughter)

Then I started shivering in my shoes.

I said, "All right, I’ll take you, but on two conditions. The first is that you

do not ask me to go into Prashanthi Nilayam. The other is that you don’t ask me

to do Namaskar to Baba. (Laughter) Point one, don’t force me to go into

Prashanthi Nilayam; point two, never ask me to do Namaskar to Baba."

Another situation was that I taught at a Christian college, where it was very

difficult to get personal leave. The Lutheran Church in America sponsors the

college, where I had served for twenty-six long years. They were a very strict

and very disciplined institution. It was impossible to get personal leave.

So I made another condition. I told her, "I can only give you four days. Beyond

that, I'm not going to stay. Better you stay, that’s all."

Somehow we came to an agreement. There is only a gap of one year between us, so

she understood that I was just compromising to find a solution. That was the

situation.

So we came here! Really, I did not step into Prashanthi Nilayam during all those

days. I stayed away, that’s all, making the children play. That was my

condition. I did not want to displease my parents and grandparents. They were

staunch followers of the Brahmo faith and they had sacrificed their lives.

Their parents and society had forsaken them. I was their son; I could not

betray them.

At lunch time, my wife and I would have heated arguments, as in the Parliament.

She always used to say, "What is wrong if you come and sit?"

I said, "You said ‘Yes’ at home. (Laughter) Why don’t you keep the promise you

gave me? Don’t do this!" (Laughter)

"No, no, you can sit!"

"No, no, I won't sit."

This was the heated discussion, morning and evening, everyday.

I Did Namaskar to Him

On the final day, I was to leave here to go home. I was standing with our four

kids near the Gopuram gate, which is now closed. In those days, the Gopuram

gate was always kept open. I was standing with the children at the gate. It was

Bhajan time. Swami was seated in a chair in the Bhajan hall. Suddenly He left

His chair and walked towards me, the whole way. (Laughter) He stood in front of

me. I felt like running away! (Laughter)

I stared and, praying to the formless, attributeless God, asked that He make

Swami leave -- that was my silent prayer. However, Swami stood in front of me

and just looked at me from top to bottom, "Hmm," Swami said, and then left. I

did not do any Namaskar at all. (Laughter) Good! That was the agreement – we

can't break the agreement!

Swami went back and sat. While Bhajans were going on, I kept standing in the

same spot. Again, Swami came down and walked towards me, all the distance,

which does not usually happen. He stood in front of me and did not leave until

I did Namaskar. (Laughter and applause) He did not leave that place at all.

What was I to do? Hopelessly, with hands shivering and folded most unwillingly

-- but out of fear, nothing to do with love or devotion -- it just happened

like that! Or I should say, Bhagawan saw to it that I did Namaskar to Him. He

did not leave until then.

As He was walking away, suddenly a plate appeared in His hands with laddus.

Ay-ree! I saw Him just walking like that.

I was wondering, "Where did the plate come from? Who gave Him the plate with laddus?"

Then He started distributing those laddus to some of the laborers working there.

It was during theconstruction of the Poornachandra Auditorium and He distributed

laddus to everybody.

Then I thought, "More than You, Your laddus will be helpful to my children.

(Laughter) They would like them very much."

Well, I didn’t have any faith in Him, but let me see, I had total faith in

laddus! (Laughter) I knew the taste of them. So, along with the children, I

went there. But when the last laddu was given to the last worker, the plate

vanished. That was the first miracle I experienced.

"Why Don’t You Call Me?"

The next morning around 10:30 AM, I went to catch the bus. I was sitting by the

station. A man, whom I had never met before, by the name of Naidu, introduced

himself. He said, "I am the Headmaster of Eswaramma High School."

I said to myself, ‘So what if you are the Headmaster or Director! How am I

concerned? I'm waiting for my bus. I must go.’

I was also feeling within myself, "Oh God, You have been picking out people for

an interview. Why don’t You call me? Why not? I am in no way a rowdy. I'm not a

bank robber. I'm not a reactionary. I'm not a Naxalite - I'm not a man of

violence. Besides, my parents and grandparents are very great. I'm trying to

live up to their expectations, though I am sure I can never equal and excel

them for a lifetime. But, I know this -- I should not bring a bad name to them.

That is enough. Why don’t You call me?" That was my feeling.

Then this man said, "Anil Kumar, are you feeling sad that Swami is not calling

you?" I did not tell him anything. (Laughter)

Then I thought, ‘Prashanthi Nilayam as a place is sufficiently dangerous, and

fellows like this are much more dangerous. (Laughter) Better I leave this

place!’ That’s what I thought. Then the man said slowly, "Please don’t go. Sit

down; sit down. Don’t feel sorry for not being called for an interview. Swami

calls many people. Some Naxalites, men of violence, from Calcutta were given an

interview. Why an interview is given is best known to Him. One patient is just

asked to go home and another patient is operated on. It does not mean that the

doctor loves only the fellow on whom he operates. No, no, no! One patient

requires an operation, while another patient just

requires some liquid, some mixture. That’s all. Baba knows what is best. Don’t

worry." That’s what he said.

I also suspected that he might come out with some other statements because my

brain was full of dirt and dust, which should not be shared with anybody. So,

"Thank you, sir," I said and I left that place.

After leaving him, I began looking at a Swami book, Sathya Sai Speaks, Volume V.

While I was reading two talks, I became very much interested. Immediately, I

purchased the whole set of books that were available at that time. I think

there was up to Sathya Sai Speaks, Volume XII then. After I returned home.

Back home, believe me, my wife’s health picked up. She was perfect, hale and

healthy - no complaints thereafter. It took just a mere visit to Prashanthi,

that’s all. (Applause) No interview, no smile, no conversation, nothing -- and

with her husband, this bloke, totally negative! Laughter) Totally negative,

that was my position. Anyway, she was all right and I started reading Sai

literature.

I was Just a First Class Student

Here I should tell you that I never got less than 60% in my subjects throughout

my student career. I took care to see that they would not be less than 60, and

they have taken care to see they would not exceed 70! (Laughter) So I was

always between 60 and 70, that’s all. I never stood first in the class. I never

got any gold medal - no, no, no, I was not an outstanding student, just a first

class student - 65, 68, that’s all. That was my student career.

But right from childhood through high school level, college level and university

level, I always stood first in inter-collegiate, inter-university elocution

competitions --debating competitions. I always stood first there, but in study

-- only first class, that’s all. Otherwise my parents wouldn’t allow me to

participate in elocution.

They would say, "Unless you get first class, we won't send you to compete."

So, I did it only for that fulfillment. I was very much interested in public

speaking right from childhood. That was my condition.

Later, after completing my MSc degree, my mother wanted me to be a class one IAS

officer, but I did not apply. I did not fill out the application. My mother

wanted me to at least be a radio announcer. I did not do that! She wanted me to

become a bank officer. I did not apply!

I told her, "Mother, I want to be a teacher.” She said, "I don’t want you to be

a teacher because your parents and grandparents, all of us are teachers. We

want to have some officer now. I don’t want you to do that.” But I said, "I

want to be teacher." So she could not help it.

I Became a Teacher When my mother went to some place on inspection and my father

was also out-of-station, I got the job and began immediately. I did not want to

face them and have them say ‘no’ to me. By the time they returned from their

camps, they saw me getting ready to go to the college. It was too late and

somehow they compromised.

But my friends, I tell you that I have no regrets for having become a teacher.

Given a chance, in the next life I also want to become a teacher. (Applause)

The reason is that the ‘bank account’ is the heart of my student. The ‘entries

in my passbook’ are the feelings of love and affection that my students have

towards me. I have completed forty years as a teacher. I have no regrets. I

love this profession.

Just for a change, my younger brother became a doctor and my mother was happy.

But then that fellow became a professor of pathology and principal of a medical

college. (Laughter)

Then my mother wanted at least the son-in-law of the family to be an engineer

from an institute of technology. But he became a professor of mechanical

engineering at an engineering institute of technology. So what is destined, no

one can change. The entire family had the genes for teaching, that’s all. We

cannot help it.

When my grandfather wanted me to become a Brahmo Samaj missionary, my mother

said, "Nothing doing. He should be a normal householder. We have seen you

suffer from this. Please leave our son like this."

But no one can say what is in store for us. I became a Sathya Sai Samaj

missionary right from 1972. (Applause) Who can stop it?

Later my mother wrote an article in a magazine: "What I never wanted happened in

this fellow’s case." That is destiny. We cannot change it.

I Was a Non-Entity for Eight Years. As things went on, (I'm telling you my

friends, please believe me) for eight years Bhagawan never looked at me - no

smiles, no Padnamaskar and no interview. I was miles away from Him. I always

got in row thirty through thirty-five! (Laughter)

Because of my speaking ability -- I should say speaking -- which was a virtue at

one time, laterbecame a vice. Even then (as now), I went on speaking a lot and

some of the office-bearers became acquainted with me. Then, when I had just

managed to sit in the front row or third row by maneuvering, manipulating and

managing the people there because of my familiarity and acquaintance with them,

Bhagawan used to completely cancel

Darshan towards that wing! (Laughter) Other times, if I managed to sit where He

came, He would see everybody except me.

"Get up, get up," He would say to others. It was as if I was in a vacuum.

I was a non-entity, a non-existence - not even the size of a mosquito or an ant!

(Laughter) He used to call everybody. This type of ‘Divine Romance’ went on for

eight long years, I tell you!

In those days, many people used to ask me, "When Swami does not look at you,

when He does not talk to you, why do you keep coming like this?"

I said, "We are teachers. If a fellow fails in a March examination, he will

appear for a supplementary September examination. (Laughter) He’ll get through

then. So, He may not talk to me now. But what if next life we will meet?"

All through that time, this is what I was feeling. After eight long years,

during Dasara a sudden message was sent that Swami wanted me. "Anil Kumar

should come to the Auditorium immediately."

‘Why?’ Well, I have my own luggage. I have my own worth, not anyone else’s.

‘There is no reason to call me all of a sudden. How does He know me? Baba, how

do You know me? First, is it this Anil Kumar or somebody else?’ (Laughter)

So I went there and the Sevadal told me to sit in the front row. Swami came! He

looked at everybody except me! (Laughter) I see! Okay, as usual, eight years!

"Once bitten, twice shy." Okay, that’s how I felt. Then I went to Kasturi’s

house to seek his clarification, "Sir, is it true that I was wanted here?"

He said, "Yes."

"How is it that Bhagawan did not look at me?"

"I do not know."

Either he must be bluffing, or I must be under misapprehension, or my destiny

must have been like that.

TO BE CONTINUED…

With Sai love from Sai brothers –‘’

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