An Amazing Personal Transformation... From Me to 'Myself'

[Guest guest]

a Yogi" and my spiritual quest began. I had never doubted the existence of God,

but I wanted to feel and experience it and find my personal God. My yearning

increased. We would visit Shirdi every year. I had some amount of faith in

Shirdi Baba but, since I could not see Him or talk to Him, I still wanted

something more. In the Time of Despair Baba Becomes Her True Friend In

August 1989, Papa took the whole family to Puttaparthi. Something in that trip

had affected me. On returning home I found myself turning to Baba whenever I

would pray in the Pooja room. In the meantime, all the people I had faith in,

started letting me down. I could not understand why I was

suddenly without a friend in the world, for no fault of mine. I was plunged into

the nadir of despair, hopelessness and diffidence. I did not know whom to turn

to. In those young and foolish days, I wanted a soulmate, as I thought that

that would be the solution to all my problems and my insecurities, little

realizing that my quest would bring me unbearable pain. Baba made me experience

and realise that He was the only soulmate I ought to look for, trust and have

faith in. Betrayed trust, humiliation, broken friendships and relationships,

left me badly mauled, with a mutilated heart and soul, absolutely alone, with

no emotional support, and no job to sustain myself – I was heading nowhere, had

no one to turn to and there seemed to be no way out. I cried for help from the

depths of my being. I did not want to live anymore. Only God could have saved

me - and He did. Selected for the Indian Police Service In January 1996

when I went to Puttaparthi, I had a number of dreams and was selected for the

Indian Police Service the same year. I realized that it was He who got me

selected. He had told me in a dream that He was selecting me to protect

something. As usual I did not understand what the dream was all about. That was

the turning point in my life as I turned to Him completely. Had it not been for

Him, I could never have done my National Police Academy training. It was He who

made me do the rock climbing, push ups, sit ups,

rope climbing, back roll, front roll, cross country running, drill, marching,

swimming, horse riding - every step of the way, in spite of severe breathing

problems, fractures and bruises. In December 1997 after 8 years He gave me

padnamaskar and took away all the pain. He also taught me that forgiveness was

important and I am not my past. I learnt to put my past behind me and

understand the role of different people at different stages in my life for my

learning and progress, however hard the lessons were. Success Comes By

Swami's Grace Then came

the field training – the initial shock of policing – I saw for the first time

the different social values of different people and sections of society. The

deceit, lies, crimes, insensitivity, and different interpretations of truth as

per convenience. I saw what motivated people to commit crimes, where the subtle

line of distinction between right and wrong, good and bad was so thin that

people justified every act they committed, on various grounds, morality being

brushed aside completely. I was also exposed to various methods of policing and

control, and I learnt to differentiate between what was right for me and what

clearly wasn't, what I should or should not do and at the same time while doing

my duty, how not to judge other people and the situations they are in and how to

be tough with criminals (a complete turnover from the soft me). I had to

evolve

my style of functioning – mature, strict, sensitive yet tough – for the people

and my own subordinates. I survived a grueling and exacting first 3 years in my

job thanks to Him. Slowly but surely He helped me gain command over my work and

people. Though several times I thought I was a complete misfit, now I know I

was destined only for this. I could never have been anything but a police

officer. Then came my experiences in policing. Once when I was posted in an

extremist affected area, the extremists were out on a rampage, blasting and

destroying property, and everyone was tense. As Addl. SP Operations I had to

take care of the situation. The extremists we were searching for day and night,

simply came to the Police station and surrendered! In another complicated case

which I was dealing with for the first time, I was wondering what to

do. And I felt His direction that I must take one step at a time and what do I

mean what should I do? Didn't I know that He is always with me? I also felt His

guidance that my decision making was poor, so He would ensure that I was always

in situations where I was forced to make decisions on the spot and soon became

very good at it. In one case when I was Superintendent of Police of a

district, the extremists kidnapped four of my policemen, held them captive in a

forest and threatened to kill them if the demands they laid forth were not

fulfilled. I only prayed, and I taught the families of the kidnapped men to

pray. After 10 days, in spite of no demand being fulfilled, my men were

released by the extremists (why, even

they could not understand!) and they came back home walking from the forest! It

was unprecedented in the history of extremism to have policemen kidnapped and

released like this without any demand being fulfilled, without any reason

whatsoever. But I knew the reason was Baba!!! Hard Lessons are Learnt In

one of my postings where I had worked very hard, after my transfer all the work

I had done was destroyed by another officer who thought differently. Swami

taught me how to accept someone else destroying a system I had built up

carefully, how to detach myself from the result of my work, how to work without

expecting appreciation and move ahead. Swami also taught me that I must not

look at only one quality in a person and judge them according to that - I must

look beyond that quality and see the whole person. He taught me how to do my

work, my duty and forget about the result. Justice or no justice, things were

happening just as He willed it. Everybody was playing the role assigned to

them. Acceptance on my part of His will was important on the road to total

surrender to Him. Inner Acceptance and Love I always found it very

difficult to love myself. I had no tolerance for myself, least of all for the

mistakes I would commit. Swami taught me to love myself and be more patient,

kind and tolerant with myself. Since He was in me how could I hate myself? Was

that not tantamount to hating Him? He also taught me how to leave behind the

emotional baggage I was always carrying on my back. I learnt to travel light,

though I still have the tendency to make the same mistake. Not being a very

good judge of people initially, I would always trust the wrong people and would

regret it later as they would always betray this trust. Swami always let me go

through the experience, but each time helped me learn how to judge for myself

to what extent to trust

people. It was learning the hard way but, it never made me forget my lessons. He

is a hard taskmaster. He puts us through different tests, and with each new step

up the spiritual ladder comes another more difficult test. Each time one has to

remember that it is a test and tell Him that you are going to be strong, will

put up a good fight and pass the test and make Him proud of you. At each step

Swami taught me how to introspect and evaluate myself and what I was doing and

be absolutely disciplined, truthful and a person of total integrity. I am not

the perfect daughter He would like me to be, but I am trying. He taught me how

to take one step at a time when in doubt and how things would then

automatically work out. He also taught me how to care for my subordinates, and

how to stand up for right things and values, come what may. He taught me how to

be a

leader and lead from the front. Learning to See Each Experience as a Lesson

What Swami taught me in a few years in my job about assessing people and

situations, I probably could never have learnt all my life. He would give me

experiences putting me in the place of other people and help me understand

people and situations better and then take fair decisions. I learnt that all

the people we meet, we do so for a reason. Either they have a role in our lives

or vice versa and once the lesson is learnt, everyone moves on. But if the

lesson is not learnt then we keep attracting the same experiences to ourselves.

In one case He warned me that there are people around me I should be careful

of. I had sensed it but this message helped me confirm what I felt vaguely.

Once when I was SP of a difficult district, a person from the USA travelled all

the way to my area of posting and told me to be careful of a senior who would

backstab me. It happened exactly as foretold, 7 months later. I could not

prevent it but, I was prepared for it and could face it courageously. When I

once had to take a very important professional decision involving life and

death and was very disturbed, He told me that like Arjuna I

must do my duty. He would never let me do anything wrong. If I take a decision

that is wrong He would not allow it to happen and if right then there was

nothing to worry about. That was the most fantastic assurance I had received in

my life. My God was taking care of me every step of the way in my life. Once

while travelling when I was perturbed about something and asked Him for help, a

water tanker overtook my vehicle and loomed large in front of me, with Baba's

photo behind it with the message "24hrs at your service!". Swami's responses

were always tremendous and spontaneous. At each step He taught me to have faith

that He is there for me. God Knocks to Wake Us Up From the year 1992 to

2000, for about 8 years, I had been hearing someone knock on my door every

night and sometimes this person would call out my name. I couldn't understand

and never slept properly. Once while travelling in a train I read that Baba

stated that God knocks on the door of people to wake them up to the reality of

who they really are. He also said that if we do not open our hearts to Him, He

will break it and enter! I prayed to Baba and thanked Him for telling me that.

Since that day the knocking stopped. I guess I was a poor learner, He kept

knocking at my door patiently for 8 years and I never understood!!! Swami

has come in about 130 dreams to me – each one signifying something – either

care or precaution to be taken or something which is about to happen, or

expressing His happiness or otherwise at something. He is a hard taskmaster

too, who knows how much to push you and to what extent. Whatever He gives in

one's life, whether sorrow or happiness, it will not be anything more than what

one can bear. The Joy of Working at Prashanti Nilayam I always wanted to do

seva at the ashram but my job would not permit me to take a long time off and

do seva. So when called on official police duty for His Birthday celebrations,

I was thrilled. I wanted Him to see me in

uniform and when He passed by me I saluted Him and He did look at me. After

one week of very demanding duty when I was completely tired and my seniors were

happy with the way I had controlled things at the ashram, I thought to myself

what is the use of these praises, if the lord of the universe appreciates my

work then that would be something. The next day when I was sitting for darshan,

He came to me and when I said, "Baba thank you for giving me this opportunity of

coming here", He said, "Chala santosham" and gave me Padnamaskar. The Lord of

the universe knew how hard I had worked. Oh what wouldn't I do for that smile

and padnamaskar! Granting of the Precious Interview In 1999, on 17th July,

Mummy's birthday, Baba called the whole family for an interview. Those 15

minutes with Him were like ages. That time we spent with Him, the assurance He

gave to each one of us that He is there for us and His comments about each one

of us revealing His omniscience were wonderful. I was sitting near His feet, in

the same place where I would sit in my dreams, and He put His hand on my head

twice, while talking. I was thrilled. Baba gave us strength to face the bad

times ahead. Each visit to Parthi would

be for learning a lesson. Either we would meet someone who would clear our

doubts about something, or share someone's experiences and grow richer, or Baba

would help us find the answers to our questions and give us food for thought and

practice. Love, truth, patience, ahimsa in thought word and deed, understanding,

seva was His message, continuously reiterated in different ways. The way He

loves all unconditionally, the capacity He has to forgive, the patience with

which He deals with everyone, the transformation He brings in oneself, the

love, devotion, the desire to give up everything and follow only Him that He

incites, can't be compared even remotely to anything that exists in this world.

He is the most wonderful teacher, who taught me patiently what I needed to

learn, though I went on making mistakes all the way. Had Baba not given

me wonderful parents and sisters, who supported me always in whatever I did, it

would have been very difficult to survive. I was inspired by my mother and

sisters to learn vedic chanting and to meditate and move ahead in life

spiritually. My younger sister was blessed with several visions and visitations

from Baba. Papa's relationship with Baba was very interesting. Papa fought with

Baba for some reason and refused to acknowledge or talk to Him. But the more he

resisted, the more Baba ensured that all the spiritual activities were carried

out from our house and slowly he started participating enthusiastically in all

activities like Laksharchana, study circle, nagar sankirtans, bhajans etc. That

was Baba's way of bringing an unwilling sparrow into His fold! Reward Comes

as Service for the UN In September 2005, I was selected for the UN Mission

in Kosovo for a period of one year. The entire process of selection which takes

just a month and involves tests for police personnel from the whole country,

took one year. It was something I wanted for a long time. When I wanted to

know why the delay was taking place the message that came said it was because I

was not well! This was true. I was suffering from severe backache for sometime.

My Baba delayed the entire process of selection and gave me time to recover so

that I could join the mission! Heartfelt Prayers I can only pray - O

lord, where would I be without you? What can I do to thank you? Nothing I can

do will express my gratitude to you. I can only offer you myself - a tiny speck

in your universe, confused and tainted – with all my heart and soul. I am where

you want me to be, doing what you want me to do. Make me your instrument

to do what you want me to. Make me the daughter you would like me to be. Show me

how to fill my heart with love for everyone, just like you. Make me a part of

you where I lose consciousness of myself. I would like to see you in

everything. If I look left I should see you. If I look right I should see you.

If I look at someone I should see you. If I am asleep I should dream of you. If

I am awake I should see you. If I listen to anything it should be only your

voice. If I talk it should be only to discuss your glory. I want to be God

Drunk - I love you Baba. - Heart2Heart Team Source:

TEXT-DECORATION: none" href="http://www.radiosai.org/" target="_blank">Radio Sai

E-Magazine, April

2006http://media.radiosai.org/Journals/Vol_04/01APR06/me_to_myself.htm