The Seven Steps to 'Forgive and Forget'

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THE SEVEN STEPS TO 'FORGIVE & FORGET'

 

 

The more aware you are of your judgments, the easier it is to relax them.

 

Sit down and take yourself through these steps. You can use them any time

judgment surfaces in your life.Step 1: Judge Away

Think of someone you love. Choose a person whose very name brings about an

automatic inner smile. Next, invite all the emotions and sensations associated

with this person to fill you up completely. Then turn your attention to your

body and notice what you feel. Chances are you feel open, flowing, a little

more connected to yourself and the world around you. This state of being, which

we'll refer to as Expansion, is what allows us to be fully present in any moment

or situation. It's also the pathway to our greatest wisdom and creativity.

Now think of someone truly reprehensible. Whether part of your own life or a

public figure, make sure this is a person whom you judge harshly. Next, invite

all that judgment to fill you up completely. Then turn your attention to your

body and notice what you feel.

Chances are you feel scrunched up, shut down, a little less connected to

yourself and the world around you. This state of being, which we'll refer to as

Contraction, is what limits our presence in any moment or situation. In a

contracted state, we're unable to gain access to the breadth and depth of our

perspective, or to cultivate peace of mind.

Most of the time, we exist somewhere between the opposing poles of expansion and

contraction. But taken together, these two simple exercises point toward an

important principle: judgment makes us feel bad. And when we feel bad, it's

much harder to be our best.

As you reprise it now, by focusing on someone or something that you find

reprehensible, stay with the process until you can easily locate the resulting

contraction in your body. Make sure it’s palpable, discernibly unpleasant.

Step 2: Melt the Armour

Take your attention off the subject of your judgment and place it fully upon the

contraction. Don’t try to understand it, change it, or make it go away.

Instead, simply keep your attention focused on the sensation of the contraction

as it appears in your body. If your mind wanders, gently bring it back. See if

you can approach the contraction with a sense of openness, genuine interest,

and caring.

When you do this, the contraction always releases. It may take just a moment or

a few minutes, but sooner than you imagine, the dissolving contraction brings

you face to face with the emotion from which it’s been trying to protect you.

 

Step 3: Feel Your Way Open

Notice what you’re feeling right now in your body. Is it anger?

Hurt?Frustration? Powerlessness? Where do you feel it? In the same place as

the contraction, or elsewhere? Is it warm or cool? Sharp or diffuse? Is it

possible to keep your attention on the emotion with the same openness,

interest, and caring that you brought to the contraction?

If you’re able to do this, even for a short while, the emotion will take your

cue and begin to flow freely. At this point, a number of things may happen. For

a time, it may become more intense. Or it may disappear. Or it may yield to a

more primary emotion. If you began feeling angry, for example, that anger may

become hurt, or grief, or humiliation.

No matter what happens in this particular instance, it will arise within a state

of expansion. Even if the emotions are difficult to experience, the expanded

state in which they occur, as we’ve seen, is preferable to remaining shut

down.

Step 4: Revisit the 'Villain' After the most intense emotions have passed and

you feel a resulting calm, bring your attention back to the subject of your

previous judgment. Are you able to do so without re-experiencing the same

intense contraction? If so, you’ve given yourself a great gift. You’ve come

to know, firsthand, that what often fuels your biggest judgments is a wellspring

of unfelt emotion. Once those emotions are felt, the judgment no longer has the

same power to cut you off from life.

That’s why our judgments of others can be so valuable for growth — they’re

like flashing neon signs pointing directly to our own stuck places.

If revisiting the “villain†makes you just as contracted as before, don’t

despair. You may just have a substantial backlog of unfelt emotion and need to

repeat steps one through three. Since letting go of judgments can’t be

rushed, it’s important to be patient and to avoid judging yourself for the

amount of time it naturally takes. In addition, the remaining three steps may

also help you get unstuck.

Before describing them, however, I’d like to spend a moment discussing a

prevalent idea regarding judgment. You may often hear that your judgments of

others are projections, and that they reflect some kind of similar

transgression in yourself. If you’re particularly contracted by people who

are cruel, for example, there may be ways that you are unconsciously cruel. Or,

perhaps, you have a hidden cruel streak just dying to get out.

Sometimes, just recognising such a connection can be liberating, and can take

the rebounding sting out of our judgments. In my experience, however, we’re

not usually able to experience the full benefit of such reflection as long as a

reservoir of unfelt emotion still exists. Emotion is the key. That’s why

feeling it, which for many of us is a lost art, is the most direct route to a

more expansive life.

Step 5: Face OffIf one or more of your judgments continues to linger, imagine

that the offending party is right in front of you. Without any distance for

either of you to hide behind, speak your complete truth about the situation.

Scream your words if necessary, paying no mind to civility or political

correctness. Keep coming back to your own feelings.....I’m so furious! I feel

betrayed! My heart is breaking!....so that rather than staying mired in the

accusations, instead you’re able to release your own pain.

 

Step 6: See the Child

To further encourage your expansion, picture the offending party as a newborn,

as a toddler, as a student on the first day of school. Did he or she deserve

your judgment then? What traumas would have been necessary to lead from

childhood innocence to such depravity? Even if you believe in pure evil, that

monsters are born rather than made, what must it be like to bear such a curse?

Most of the people we judge are clearly not monsters, and in fact are much like

us. But whatever we hold against them usually stems from some experience or

circumstance out of their original control. They’re not so much acting in

response to the present situation as re-acting to what happened long ago.

Recognising this doesn’t make them less responsible, but it may make us a

little more likely to soften.

Step 7: Trade Places

Finally, if you still need a little more help, step into the shoes of the person

you judge. For just a minute or two, pretend that you are that person, and try

to experience the situation from his or her perspective. It’s not the

person’s beliefs or justifications that matter, but how it really feels to

live that particular life.

If suddenly you’re awash in a painful emotion such as hatred, negativity, or

bitterness, see if you can touch the awful wounds that gave rise to it. If you

encounter a complete lack of feeling, attempt to grasp whole stretches of time

so frozen and vacant.

Discernment

As we have explored, the greatest barrier to compassion is judgment. Yet some

people in the world seem to have earned our judgment. Rapists, abusers,

murderers, terrorists...no matter how wounded they may be, their misdeeds can

be so heinous that it seems wrong to regard them with compassion.

But one of the best ways to understand compassion is as loving care. It

doesn’t mean that the recipients of our compassion haven’t done wrong to

themselves and others. Nor does it deny that they may have committed hideous

crimes that deserve serious punishment, even death according to some. In other

words, it’s possible to condemn people’s actions and still feel compassion

toward them.

When that happens, your judgment becomes discernment. What’s the difference?

With discernment, you’re able to remain in a fully expanded state while still

possessing a specific opinion, belief, or value. Your point of view is no longer

hurtful to you. In the expansiveness that follows, you’re able to see the

offending party, and indeed the whole world, with much greater clarity.

Whoever you’ve judged, whether as distant as a president or as close as your

immediate family, imagine being able to wish this person healing, peace, and a

heart as open as your own.....and see how you feel.

Sourced from: www.beliefnet.com

 

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