Names and Games

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the wonderful stories about names and games.

 

Re: "Kundalini" - My experience has been that some people have mental problems

and being around Amma makes the problems more pronounced. Blaming spiritual

growth and meditation for malaise and disease shows separation from the divine,

not union with it. My two cents.

 

Please everyone pray for those who contracted measles.

 

I am moving from one apartment to another apartment here in Michigan and

taking this as an opportunity to bring my physical space in line with that has

been going on physically.

 

Recently found this following passage which I read (I may have written it as

well, I don't remember) a year ago:

 

"April 24, 2005 I too have been struggling lately, lots of negative self talk

coming up in my mind and feelings of depression and worthlessness. It is as if

a dark cloud is following me above my head and unless I open my mouth and say a

mantra or sing or meditate - the cloud closes in like a dense fog around my

spirit and my joy disappears. I am hanging on and the advice I have from Amma

is to keep going, don't stop, don't give up.

 

I realized recently that I am on the verge of realizing a great change in my

life, away from the formerly comfortable chaos and drama to the "Uncomfortable"

peace and joy of living in Amma's grace and the divine reality we all seek.

 

I am mourning the drama and the trauma because it was who I was (I mistakenly

believed), I am mourning the sins and the bad things I used to think were

"normal" - I am mourning the "old invisible, fearful, shadow of the Self I used

to be. I am looking back even now with intense longing to immerse myself in

alcohol and drugs and at the same time I fully realize that I am a wonderful

spiritual being and that I stand at the threshold of jumping up, into happiness

and comfort and ease.

 

The "new" me is SO uncomfortable and SO delicious at the same time, My foot

that is stuck in the mire of the old ways and habits and my foot that is happy

and peaceful pull equally strongly and I am feeling so stuck. I keep doing all

the things I know bring peace and joy even as I murmur and grumble and worry

about it to myself. Why can't I live anymore in ignorance and the stupor that I

believed was peace and joy I whine. I do want to move forward NOW, no more

ignorance, no more stupor, I want to be Amma's girl, I want to be happy and

peaceful. I can see it now on my horizon, rising like the sun and engulfing me,

the night chases me into the sun and my fear is getting smaller each day, I must

keep going, I must I must I must."

 

Now a year later, I am grateful for the answers to all my prayers. I see with

this physical moving I am again purging from things. I was stuck in overwhelm

for several days because of the THINGS I have accumulated again. I came to

Michigan with six boxes of stuff five year ago, and here I was with 40 boxes of

stuff. So three weeks ago I started sorting and moving. Why I am telling this

sorry story is to express my gratitude for living another year in Amma's grace,

thanks for having all the prayers I prayed a year ago answered. Amma has been

so gentle with this girl.

Amma knows I cannot stand to be bullied or teased (yet) so she has always been

as gentle as a mother can be and still be effective. She will push me hard, but

very gently toward the right actions and pathway. Becaue the apartment that I

am moving from has mold, there is no hurry to move. I have taken three weeks,

THREE WEEKS, to move and still I have not finished. That is very gently and

very strong. I must change the things around me and it is very hard for me to

do, so Amma has given me way more time to complete the task. I find this with

lots of things. Amma is just gentle.

This process of letting go of old thoughts, patterns, habits, is like trying

to remove flypaper from all over me. I get one piece off and other piece sticks

out. Anyway I have been dancing this dance of moving from the old to the new

from the cluttered to the uncluttered. I have been given enough time to look at

each thing I have and decided if I want it or need it around me anymore. Thanks

to you all for keeping me sane in the dark winter here. And especially thanks

to Amma for keeping me so firmly and gently in line with the divine...

 

 

 

Om Namashivaya - In Amma's service,

 

Supriti Omenka Nnadi