Guest guest Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 This is part of an interview with Marshall Rosenberg that appeared in the Yogi Times in February 2005. I am sharing it because I have found this method to provide solid guidelines for how to return myself to Love and Compassion when I am struggling with thoughts and feelings in or about relationships. For anyone interested, the full interview and other articles about Nonviolent Communication it can be found at: http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/article_archive.htm Q: Many people struggle with criticism and judgment.... How does Nonviolent Communication help us to deal with criticism from others? A: If you use the [NVC technique] you can hear no criticism at all; all you can hear is [the other person] saying, "Please!" When you hear "please" behind what used to sound like criticism, you can see it as an opportunity to nurture another person. ...this technique is based on an assumption that all criticism, judgment, diagnosis...all of this ugly stuff is a tragic expression of unmet need. Q: How did this language of judgment and criticism get started? A: For about the last 8,000 years we have been educated in a language that is not very effective [for] enjoying any kind of relationship. ...when people are not getting their needs met, the best way they know to express it is by saying, "The problem with you is that you are too...." [rather than saying:] "Hey, a need of mine is not being met." So Nonviolent Communication translates any criticism into an unmet need. And no matter what the other person says, all you hear is the unmet need they are trying to communicate. Then, what would have sounded like a criticism is really a gift. Q: So people are not listening to the unmet needs behind what [others are] saying? A: Not only are they not listening: we have not been conscious of it. Finding the need gives us human beings a chance to do what we enjoy doing, contributing to the well-being of people. ... What makes it more tragic is that the words we have almost guarantee that we will not get our needs met, or if we do it will be very costly. Because it is being met by guilt, shame or a form of manipulation by believing that if we do what they want they will give us love. So it is tragic if that is the only way you have to talk about your...needs. Q: So how does a person really advocate for their needs...? A: Well, first it is to find out what need is activating their feelings. It could be several. It could be [a need for ...closeness, empathy, understanding [or even] celebration. First we learn how to request our needs to be met, and second [we] learn to enjoy a "no" if that is what comes back. ... If you hear a "no," never hear it as rejection. Consider, "What is the need behind the no?" What need keeps the other person from saying yes? When the other person can trust that you will understand the good reason they are saying no and why they are not comfortable to meet your need, they they are hearing a request and not a demand. They will be far more likely to contribute to our well being when they can trust that our requests are not demands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 thank you mary ann for posting this. this is a message we have been trying to learn from many different angles. and this just strenghtens the message of non-violence beautifully. thanks. amma's blessings, ammarnath Ammachi, "Mary Ann" <buttercookie61 wrote: > > This is part of an interview with Marshall Rosenberg that appeared in > the Yogi Times in February 2005. I am sharing it because I have found > this method to provide solid guidelines for how to return myself to > Love and Compassion when I am struggling with thoughts and feelings > in or about relationships. For anyone interested, the full interview > and other articles about Nonviolent Communication it can be found at: > http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/article_archive.htm > > > Q: Many people struggle with criticism and judgment.... How does > Nonviolent Communication help us to deal with criticism from others? > > A: If you use the [NVC technique] you can hear no criticism at all; > all you can hear is [the other person] saying, "Please!" When you > hear "please" behind what used to sound like criticism, you can see > it as an opportunity to nurture another person. ...this technique is > based on an assumption that all criticism, judgment, diagnosis...all > of this ugly stuff is a tragic expression of unmet need. > > Q: How did this language of judgment and criticism get started? > > A: For about the last 8,000 years we have been educated in a language > that is not very effective [for] enjoying any kind of > relationship. ...when people are not getting their needs met, the > best way they know to express it is by saying, "The problem with you > is that you are too...." [rather than saying:] "Hey, a need of mine > is not being met." So Nonviolent Communication translates any > criticism into an unmet need. And no matter what the other person > says, all you hear is the unmet need they are trying to communicate. > Then, what would have sounded like a criticism is really a gift. > > Q: So people are not listening to the unmet needs behind what [others > are] saying? > > A: Not only are they not listening: we have not been conscious of it. > Finding the need gives us human beings a chance to do what we enjoy > doing, contributing to the well-being of people. ... What makes it > more tragic is that the words we have almost guarantee that we will > not get our needs met, or if we do it will be very costly. Because it > is being met by guilt, shame or a form of manipulation by believing > that if we do what they want they will give us love. So it is tragic > if that is the only way you have to talk about your...needs. > > Q: So how does a person really advocate for their needs...? > > A: Well, first it is to find out what need is activating their > feelings. It could be several. It could be [a need for ...closeness, > empathy, understanding [or even] celebration. First we learn how to > request our needs to be met, and second [we] learn to enjoy a "no" if > that is what comes back. ... If you hear a "no," never hear it as > rejection. Consider, "What is the need behind the no?" What need > keeps the other person from saying yes? When the other person can > trust that you will understand the good reason they are saying no and > why they are not comfortable to meet your need, they they are hearing > a request and not a demand. They will be far more likely to > contribute to our well being when they can trust that our requests > are not demands. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 This was so clear and appropriate. I love the "please" behind the criticism and judgement. It is so true. When I am at my crabbiest (today is one of those days!) I usually am needing more sleep, more something more me me me that sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of taking care of others so often. I try not to feel "robbed" of my own personal needs and figure that Amma will light my path to get through it. But this whole idea I think is right on. Conversely, there are "wrongs" in the world and when others are being hurt I think it is our job and duty to speak out and to try to protect others where necessary. This is especially true for the elderly, poor and mentally ill. Amma's back slapping and sometimes crabby daughter, adriane Ammachi, "Mary Ann" <buttercookie61 wrote: > > This is part of an interview with Marshall Rosenberg that appeared in > the Yogi Times in February 2005. I am sharing it because I have found > this method to provide solid guidelines for how to return myself to > Love and Compassion when I am struggling with thoughts and feelings > in or about relationships. For anyone interested, the full interview > and other articles about Nonviolent Communication it can be found at: > http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/article_archive.htm > > > Q: Many people struggle with criticism and judgment.... How does > Nonviolent Communication help us to deal with criticism from others? > > A: If you use the [NVC technique] you can hear no criticism at all; > all you can hear is [the other person] saying, "Please!" When you > hear "please" behind what used to sound like criticism, you can see > it as an opportunity to nurture another person. ...this technique is > based on an assumption that all criticism, judgment, diagnosis...all > of this ugly stuff is a tragic expression of unmet need. > > Q: How did this language of judgment and criticism get started? > > A: For about the last 8,000 years we have been educated in a language > that is not very effective [for] enjoying any kind of > relationship. ...when people are not getting their needs met, the > best way they know to express it is by saying, "The problem with you > is that you are too...." [rather than saying:] "Hey, a need of mine > is not being met." So Nonviolent Communication translates any > criticism into an unmet need. And no matter what the other person > says, all you hear is the unmet need they are trying to communicate. > Then, what would have sounded like a criticism is really a gift. > > Q: So people are not listening to the unmet needs behind what [others > are] saying? > > A: Not only are they not listening: we have not been conscious of it. > Finding the need gives us human beings a chance to do what we enjoy > doing, contributing to the well-being of people. ... What makes it > more tragic is that the words we have almost guarantee that we will > not get our needs met, or if we do it will be very costly. Because it > is being met by guilt, shame or a form of manipulation by believing > that if we do what they want they will give us love. So it is tragic > if that is the only way you have to talk about your...needs. > > Q: So how does a person really advocate for their needs...? > > A: Well, first it is to find out what need is activating their > feelings. It could be several. It could be [a need for ...closeness, > empathy, understanding [or even] celebration. First we learn how to > request our needs to be met, and second [we] learn to enjoy a "no" if > that is what comes back. ... If you hear a "no," never hear it as > rejection. Consider, "What is the need behind the no?" What need > keeps the other person from saying yes? When the other person can > trust that you will understand the good reason they are saying no and > why they are not comfortable to meet your need, they they are hearing > a request and not a demand. They will be far more likely to > contribute to our well being when they can trust that our requests > are not demands. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 This is a very good point, that the need of a person "gets lost" in the attempt to meet another's need. I am reminded of the instructions we are given by flight attendants before an airplane takes off. If a pressure change occurs and the oxygen masks come down out of their compartments, if you have young children or others you are responsible for, place the mask on yourself first before putting it onto the children, etc. If I cannot hear a "please" in someone's criticism, it's because a need of my own must first be acknowledged and addressed - by me. I am happy that the NVC information is helpful I do feel it offers guidelines, or directions, like a map, to live true to Amma's teachings. Ammachi, "Adriane" <a1driane wrote: > > This was so clear and appropriate. I love the "please" behind the > criticism and judgement. It is so true. When I am at my crabbiest > (today is one of those days!) I usually am needing more sleep, more > something more me me me that sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of > taking care of others so often. I try not to feel "robbed" of my own > personal needs and figure that Amma will light my path to get through > it. But this whole idea I think is right on. > > Conversely, there are "wrongs" in the world and when others are being > hurt I think it is our job and duty to speak out and to try to > protect others where necessary. This is especially true for the > elderly, poor and mentally ill. > > Amma's back slapping and sometimes crabby daughter, > adriane > > Ammachi, "Mary Ann" <buttercookie61@> wrote: > > > > This is part of an interview with Marshall Rosenberg that appeared > in > > the Yogi Times in February 2005. I am sharing it because I have > found > > this method to provide solid guidelines for how to return myself to > > Love and Compassion when I am struggling with thoughts and feelings > > in or about relationships. For anyone interested, the full interview > > and other articles about Nonviolent Communication it can be found > at: > > http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/article_archive.htm > > > > > > Q: Many people struggle with criticism and judgment.... How does > > Nonviolent Communication help us to deal with criticism from others? > > > > A: If you use the [NVC technique] you can hear no criticism at all; > > all you can hear is [the other person] saying, "Please!" When you > > hear "please" behind what used to sound like criticism, you can see > > it as an opportunity to nurture another person. ...this technique is > > based on an assumption that all criticism, judgment, diagnosis...all > > of this ugly stuff is a tragic expression of unmet need. > > > > Q: How did this language of judgment and criticism get started? > > > > A: For about the last 8,000 years we have been educated in a > language > > that is not very effective [for] enjoying any kind of > > relationship. ...when people are not getting their needs met, the > > best way they know to express it is by saying, "The problem with you > > is that you are too...." [rather than saying:] "Hey, a need of mine > > is not being met." So Nonviolent Communication translates any > > criticism into an unmet need. And no matter what the other person > > says, all you hear is the unmet need they are trying to communicate. > > Then, what would have sounded like a criticism is really a gift. > > > > Q: So people are not listening to the unmet needs behind what > [others > > are] saying? > > > > A: Not only are they not listening: we have not been conscious of > it. > > Finding the need gives us human beings a chance to do what we enjoy > > doing, contributing to the well-being of people. ... What makes it > > more tragic is that the words we have almost guarantee that we will > > not get our needs met, or if we do it will be very costly. Because > it > > is being met by guilt, shame or a form of manipulation by believing > > that if we do what they want they will give us love. So it is tragic > > if that is the only way you have to talk about your...needs. > > > > Q: So how does a person really advocate for their needs...? > > > > A: Well, first it is to find out what need is activating their > > feelings. It could be several. It could be [a need > for ...closeness, > > empathy, understanding [or even] celebration. First we learn how to > > request our needs to be met, and second [we] learn to enjoy a "no" > if > > that is what comes back. ... If you hear a "no," never hear it as > > rejection. Consider, "What is the need behind the no?" What need > > keeps the other person from saying yes? When the other person can > > trust that you will understand the good reason they are saying no > and > > why they are not comfortable to meet your need, they they are > hearing > > a request and not a demand. They will be far more likely to > > contribute to our well being when they can trust that our requests > > are not demands. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 4, 2006 Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 Namah Shivaya, Thank you for posting this. It seems that many of us have a problem with anger and criticism. I don't know if it is so much a matter of being "right" as much as it pushes old buttons of rejection and unfairness, and of course our old friends, feelings of inadequacy, or feeling unloved or unlovable. As children we are so vulnerable, and some times it seems we spend the rest of our lives unlearning. Mother obviously wants each one of us to feel loved, but maybe the old nasty feelings have to come up to be recognized - like the cafeteria tray theory, kind of. So I guess it's all part of the play - of learning and unlearning - of what's real and what's not. It would be neat if when we are being criticized we could go to our Self and not revert to being 7 years old again. I've known people who never changed in their whole lives. I would venture to guess that as souls plodding on the spiritual path we are trying to change, and not become exaggerated caricatures of ourselves. I think Mother is trying to be sure that doesn't happen. Jai Ma! Prasadini Mary Ann wrote: > This is part of an interview with Marshall Rosenberg that appeared in > the Yogi Times in February 2005. I am sharing it because I have found > this method to provide solid guidelines for how to return myself to > Love and Compassion when I am struggling with thoughts and feelings > in or about relationships. For anyone interested, the full interview > and other articles about Nonviolent Communication it can be found at: > http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/article_archive.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2006 Report Share Posted April 5, 2006 Thanks for this beautiful innocent desire, premarupa, namaste, A note to all who wish to thank Mary Ann. She probably does not have time to read all the posts and perhaps none as she works and moderates the Amma Bhakti Group. So, if you wish to thank her, OFFLINE would be better; maybe you can copy and post online here also. thank you with amma's blessings, amarnath Ammachi, Kenna <itskenna wrote: > > Namah Shivaya dear Mary Ann. > > Yes, I too really appreciate your post and intend to apply it as best as > possible. > To pick up on a couple of comments from others: > This child definitely has a need for social justice. > By Amma¹s grace, am learning to separate the ego part (what can I DO to save > the world ?), > leaving all sense of doing at every level, including the universal, up to > Amma. > While at the same time, attempting to take responsibility for poverty, which > Amma says is the root cause of world problems. > Maybe we could have a thread on here about how we each are addressing > poverty? > On some level I know I will never feel satisfied as long as one person is > hungry, etc. > On that level I need everyone to be adequately nourished and those who have > more than enough to share. > > In Her Divine Breath, > premarupa > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2006 Report Share Posted April 5, 2006 Namah Shivaya dear Mary Ann. Yes, I too really appreciate your post and intend to apply it as best as possible. To pick up on a couple of comments from others: This child definitely has a need for social justice. By Amma¹s grace, am learning to separate the ego part (what can I DO to save the world ?), leaving all sense of doing at every level, including the universal, up to Amma. While at the same time, attempting to take responsibility for poverty, which Amma says is the root cause of world problems. Maybe we could have a thread on here about how we each are addressing poverty? On some level I know I will never feel satisfied as long as one person is hungry, etc. On that level I need everyone to be adequately nourished and those who have more than enough to share. In Her Divine Breath, premarupa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2006 Report Share Posted April 5, 2006 Ammachi, Kenna <itskenna wrote: > > Hummm. > and then there¹s ³innocent desire²??? > what about that? > pr >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> TRY TO SEE/FEEL IF IT'S COMING FROM YOUR HEAD OR HEART. INNOCENT IS IN THE HEART. BUT YOU KNOW THIS. OM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2006 Report Share Posted April 5, 2006 Namah Shivaya After little more reflection: how is a need different from a desire? Amma tells us desire is the root of all sorrow. Best bet: surrender all desires (needs?) to God. pr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2006 Report Share Posted April 5, 2006 Hummm. and then there¹s ³innocent desire²??? what about that? pr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 5, 2006 Report Share Posted April 5, 2006 Namaste All: I am so happy to see that people appreciate the Nonviolent Communication teachings. I feel a sense of community in that, and inspired by it. It is a good to question what a need is. The Nonviolent Communication teachings offer guidelines to help people make distinctions between needs and what are called strategies to get needs met. Money is a strategy for getting some of our needs met: for sustenance (food), for a place to live, for clothing, for medical attention, etc. These needs Amma works to provide for through her humanitarian activities. But there is spiritual poverty, the poverty of the intellect divorced from the heart, which is behind why more people are not taking care of everyone's needs for sustenance (food), a place to live, clothing, medical attention, etc. In other NVC materials, like the book by Marshall Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, he makes distinctions between needs and feelings. It's amazing how feelings and needs are easily confused due to our habits of language. When you begin to make these distinctions, you begin to see why our needs often go unmet, causing/creating pain. I have been studying NVC with a couple named Jim and Jori Manske, who shared a flier with me on which this need vs. strategy distinction was made. They also have a chart created (I think) by Manfred Max- Neef, Ph.D. that you may be able to find online to help with making further distinctions between feelings, needs, and strategies. They listed the following websites on the flier: http://www.cnvc.org; http://www.nvc-nm.org Ammalove, Mary Ann Ammachi, Kenna <itskenna wrote: > > Namah Shivaya > > After little more reflection: > > how is a need different from a desire? > Amma tells us desire is the root of all sorrow. > Best bet: surrender all desires (needs?) to God. > > > pr > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 6, 2006 Report Share Posted April 6, 2006 Amma says: True innocence is pure love endowed with discrimination and understanding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 9, 2006 Report Share Posted April 9, 2006 Namah Shivaya. The posters keep weaving threads into beautiful fabric, Synergy sparkling in the bright rays of spring. This one falls behind, as if riding a snail, Still reflecting on the idea of hearing please instead of AAAAAGHHHHHH!!!! Inspired by a certain mouse, the snail decides to circle around YOU KNOW WHO. Suddenly She looks this way, an enigmatic gleam in Her eye, says ³please² to this ego. and lovingly whispers: ³ALWAYS HEAR PLEASE. ALWAYS SAY THANK YOU.² Jai Amma. premarupa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 9, 2006 Report Share Posted April 9, 2006 Namah Shivaya. Spring in the Cyber Satsang The posters keep weaving threads into beautiful fabric, Synergy sparkling in the bright rays of spring. This one falls behind, As if she were riding a snail, Still reflecting on an old post about hearing please instead of AAAAAGHHHHHH!!!! Inspired by a certain mouse, the snail circles YOU KNOW WHO. Suddenly She looks this way, an enigmatic gleam in Her eye, says ³please² to this ego, and kindly whispers: ³ALWAYS HEAR PLEASE. ALWAYS SAY THANK YOU.² What a tease. What a tease. What a tease. Jai Amma. premarupa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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