Amma's answered prayer

[Guest guest]

Namaste Everyone,

 

 

I use to write and respond to this group quite frequently once upon a time,

this on line sat sang of brothers and sisters was the only thing I had to turn

to before my own sat sang was born. It was my family more than my own. Even now

I feel that only God understands my heart and that no one can understand me, not

all of me. I still have no idea what I would do if this sat sang never was.

Before I had met Amma, it bought me out of the darkness, it kept me grounded,

and it was the only thing I looked forward to at the time when I needed to

escape the cruel world. Life is difficult for all of us in one way or another, I

don't believe any ones life is more difficult or more traumatic than the others,

but what makes it nice is to have some one to lean on, to have someone that

talks with you, or to just listen to what you have to say.

 

I think aside from confiding to Amma, I feel most comfortable here, there

is such love here. I feel like I can be myself here and never be judge. I also

think that writing is very therapeutic for me and helps immensely. I feel like I

am in my element to where if I am talking to someone face to face the words

don't come out properly. In fact I have written to several of you on several

different things but I felt stupid for what I had written or replied that I

ended up deleting them all totally. Some of them were dream interpretations,

some were advice, and some were just to tell you how I was doing, I would look

at them and stare, I don't know why I deleted them but I kept thinking that it

was all about the ego, I didn't want that. So I stopped. I think that it has

been a period of six months or longer. I have no idea. I just couldn't seem to

say what I wanted to say without my ego somehow coming into play.....and when I

did write something no one replied, OH! How my ego when

crazy then! "These people are TOTALLY ignoring youblah blah blah" I would

realize that it was a blow to the ego and liked it when no one acknowledged my

emails. It served my ego right.

 

Aside from all of this my ego has been deflated recently and not only that

but my heart has been hurt. I had a situation with my ex husband the night

before last to where it exploded into ugliness and pain wrapped up with hatred.

 

I met this man once upon a time, who I thought so highly of, if it hadn't

been for him I would never be the person I am today. I will always respect that.

I thought of his compassion, his love, and his genuine feelings toward others.

His lust for life, his love for God. After the divorce we continued to be

friends but when the support payments came into play things started to get ugly.

At the time he had a job where he was paid more money but after the divorce was

final he was laid off. We knew this before hand but I requested a certain amount

plus that he pay the insurance on the girls. He virtually had no choice because

he had no money for a lawyer. So it was all uncontested. I had wrote him an

email a few days ago telling him he was a liar without a reason why, I found

out (from Social Services) he had no dental insurance on the girls. He had been

telling me the cards were in the mail, or "oh I moved there sending them to the

new address". What am I suppose to think? TWO

years later. So I called him a liar and no reason why. He called his mom (who I

am still close with) and sister (also close with) and went off on them both

saying very mean things to where his mom and sister have disowned him now. He

thought they told me something when they had nothing to do with it. His other

sister learned of this as well and has also called to "disown" him as family.

They tell me this isn't my fault that he reacted this way (he is an alcoholic),

I agree, but I still can't help feeling some guilt over this. I called to tell

him where I got my information and how idiotic he was to blame his family and I

had never heard such hatred and anger from someone in my life. He kept screaming

about how he has to beg for food and that he has no heart because I shot it to

hell and by me and everyone that ever walked all over him and that I was

responsible for what happened with his family. I hung up at this point I

couldn't take it any longer. I feel angry, guilt, sadness for

him. I feel so sad for him. Sad that he feels this way. Sad that he has no

family. Did I truly cause this? I feel so horrible.

 

What is ironic is that apparently the sat sang here has been arguing as

well. About what I have no idea, I hardly read emails anymore because I don't

have time. I don't have any desire to be "right", I don't care about money, I

just want peace for anyone including myself and my girls....and even my ex. I

know I have to stand up for my girls and if I had not I would not be living here

today with a stable roof over our heads.

 

I have so many journals and diaries etc that I write in, I have one where I

write to Amma, so I wrote to her last night, asking how she could love me and

how could she forgive me if I hurt someone so much? Did I hurt him? I feel

horrible if I ever caused someone this much pain, I am not sure if it is true or

not. I only pray that I didn't cause this torment for him. How could she love

me? How could she ever forgive me? Then I prayed to her and asked her to let me

know she was with me, about two minutes later a commercial came on and I

immediately thought of Amma and cried. I got my journal out and wrote the song

down and didn't realized how I signed it until I put my pen down and looked at

it. This was the section of song by Cindy Lauper:

 

But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful,

Like a rainbow

 

 

Answered Prayer

Amma

 

 

I couldn't help but feel giddy and laugh and know.....simply know that she was

with me. Always. We should always remember this. Amma is always there to hold

our hand, no matter how far off the path we think we have become, or how ugly we

think we have become. She can not deny us. Her children. She is so patient. So

beautiful. So loving.

 

 

Another rainy day

I can’t recall having sunshine on my face

All I feel is pain

All I wanna do is walk out of this place

But when I am stuck and I can’t move

When I don’t know what I should do

When I wonder if I’ll ever make it through

 

I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

Your the one that’s keeping my heart beating

I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

That’s the only way that I’ll find healing

 

Can I climb up in Your lap

I don’t wanna leave

Amma sing over me

I gotta keep singing

 

Can I climb up in Your lap

I don’t wanna leave

Amma sing over me

I gotta keep singing

 

Oh You’re everything I need

And I gotta keep singing

 

 

At Amma's Holy Feet,

this one