To Rena on Amma story from last night in Mi

[Guest guest]

Rena wrote:

 

....my despair at having to miss Devi Bhava got channeled into anger towards

Mother. I have no idea why, but I was really really mad at Her. Yikes! I

think I can safely say that most people who know me, can attest that this is

bizarre for me(I know there aren’t many on the list, so you have to take my

word

for it ). I get irritated at times but rarely this mad and I don’t think

I’

ve ever been mad at Mother before. The funny thing was I realized I was

acting out like a 4 year old, but I was in no mood to change it and rather than

enjoy my little time there in the hall with Mother, I sat pouting and fuming

to the side of the hall.

 

....darshan got over and Mother got up to leave the hall. Normally I would

run to the door and try to squeeze myself (quite unsuccessfully boz of the

crowd) into the line there to catch a glimpse of Mother...Last night, I decided

that the struggle of finding a tiny spot to squeeze myself in, was not worth

it and I decided not to go to the door...I noticed 2 chairs close by the door

that Mother was going to leave by. There was already 1 lady up on the chair

trying to catch a glimpse of Mother coming down the winding line. The other

chair was FREE. For people who have been in the hall when Mother is leaving,

you know it's pretty weird to actually have some space near the spot where She

wears Her sandals. It’s usually always PACKED. Angry as I was with Mother, I

just couldn't pass up the free chair and ran up to stand on the 2nd chair to

join the other lady and we had a clear view of Amma coming down the line

lovingly stroking the cheeks of everybody who didn't come for darshan that day.

Just then She breaks out into a impromptu beautiful bhajan (lalitha… lalitha

…

sri lalitha...) and the crowd followed in chorus with Mother leading the

bhajan as She walked down the line.

It was so indescribably sweet to hear Her sing like that on the spur of the

moment, my anger completely melted away and I was clapping and singing in

pure glee (like a 4 year old I might add) with everybody else. I don’t think I

have ever been this happy before. I knew this moment was one of those precious

gems that I would take out later and reminisce over when I was missing

Mother. If this itself wasn’t enough...here's what happened next. I'm a

little

blurry on the exact sequence of events bcoz I just couldn't take my eyes off

Her,

but I think it was right after She wore Her sandals, (which was right by

where I was standing on the chairs) She increased the pace of the bhajan and we

were all wildly clapping and singing with Her (atleast I was). Since She had

reached the end of the hall, She stood there continuing to sing the bhajan.

Then She started turning around clockwise in a circle, with Her hands clapping

to the beat of the bhajan and did a little dance towards the end of the

bhajan, looking into in the eyes of everybody there as She turned. Oh my! I had

no words to describe the joy I felt. I have always wished and wished I could

be there in the hall when Mother danced. It all happened v. quickly. But I am

just so grateful I could have been there.

 

 

 

Dear Rema ~ first thank you for having the honesty to share with us your

anger at Mother.

I have so often heard that Amma brings up our "stuff" in order to clear us

out, but it can be so painful. I believe, to some extent, this is part of what

happened when I got so angry at my own mother again. I am not sure what the

lesson is: let go?, stand up for myself and take the consequences?, do

something, do nothing????? I trust when the time is right, Amma will bring

forward

to correct response.

 

Sounds like you were getting some powerful clearing. And I really liked the

way you again related yourself to a 4 year old when your anger was transformed

to joy. I have heard people say that Amma has told them to hit their Amma

doll if they get angry. I understand this ... it is like hitting the pillow in

therapy. I could never get into that ... what my therapists didn't

understand, and it took me to finally realize on my own was that I had severe

issues

and fear around impulse control. So hitting something while pretending it is a

person was terrifying to me. And I would never hit my Amma dolls.

 

But your description of Amma's movement toward the door, and Her singing,

and then Her dancing was sheer bliss to even read. I can picture it in my mind,

except in my picture, little stars are emerging from Amma and twirling all

around her and then going above the people gathered there. Thank you so much ~

Linda