To Linda on being with Mother, illness, and keeping Mother within

[Guest guest]

>

>

> Dear Prasadini ~ thank you so much for sharing your own very candid

> account

> of your visit to see Mother. It is obvious that so much has changed

> since I

> last saw Her, and Her fortelling that She would become a white dot at

> the end

> of the hall really does put it into perspective, as does Her saying

> that She

> is working from the inside. That makes a lot of sense to me.

>

> It concerns me that it sounds like there are no longer provisions made

> for

> people who are ill. Even sitting for an hour in the hall, with all the

> stimulation of sounds and sights would cause me to crash. I am not

> sure if you have

> ever told me what your illness is. If you have I apologize for

> forgetting,

> which is part of my illness, fibromyalgia. But what you describe

> sounds exactly

> what happens to me ... when I collapse, I collapse ... and it doesn't

> take a

> great deal for me to get to that point. When I do, my hubby has to get

> me up

> and steer me to the closest bed.

>

> Perhaps because it has been so long since I have seen Amma in the

> physical

> body, I have felt connected to Her on the inside. If you have an old

> calendar,

> putting those big pictures up where you can see them, especially if

> you are

> collapsed, really helps. For me, this digests helps me feel connected

> to Amma,

> and the Prayer Group sadhana. I feel connected to the group and to

> Amma; we

> are all one family. And actually, even though I have complained about

> it a

> bit, our little satsangs determination to just watch Amma movies

> helps me too.

> There is a wonderful meditation in the beginning of the Archana book

> that I

> believe would help; it is Amma talking to you, talking you through this

> meditation process, where you visualize Her in your own heart.

>

> And I think this group is a good place for us to share our longing for

> Mother, for missing the "good old days," which clearly are over as

> Mother has

> become more and more well-known. We do not need to think of this as

> complaining,

> but simply that, as children we sometimes need to let others know we are

> crying out for Amma.

>

> And, dearest Prasadini, it is very hard for this child to think of you

> as

> lazy. I do understand though. When you have a long term chronic

> illness, one

> that is not going to go away or get better (without Divine

> intervention, of

> course, which I never rule out), there is a tendency, for me at least,

> to

> compare my abilities today with my abilities two years ago, or five

> years ago, or

> when I was still working. Physically, I am no longer that person ... and

> sometimes, it is hard to accept. Sometimes I think if I just "buck

> up," engage my

> will and "fight" the disease, I will get better. I can attest that

> this does

> not work, at least not with what I have. So I go back around to

> acceptance,

> and to trying to work within the limitations of this body without

> disparaging

> the body.

>

> Imagine Amma rocking you in Her arms ... like a little baby.

>

> Hugs , Jai Ma ~ Linda

>

>

>

>

>

Dear Linda,

There are provisions for disabled people - don't get me wrong - but they

don't understand that sitting in a room full of people and sounds, etc

can make a person way sicker. Their response has alway been that

everyone else is waiting to see Mother and it isn't fair to go ahead of

them. I do think that the people in the special needs line maybe make it

up to see Mother sooner, but I have still had to wait three hours - and

that's three hours of misery. Once I had to wait five hours and that was

the only time I saw her during her 2 week stay in San Ramon - it was the

first day. I really crashed and felt like I was going to die, but I knew

that I wouldn't be able to make it back there because I was so sick, so

I decided to wait it out. By the time I had darshan I was one sick

puppy. Mother said "how are you" twice, and my brain was so blitzed I

could not speak. It was one of the most powerful darshans I have ever

had. I just felt myself - body and mind - melt into Her body, and then

expand with Her. So while I was suffering unbearably physically, my soul

was soaring.. I think there was a very powerful lesson there on many

levels. So in retrospect it was worth it. We humans are blessed to not

remember physical pain well, but remember feelings.

 

Also now, at least in my experience, because of the crowds, we have to

take turns having darshan. So if you are there three days, you may have

darshan once, maybe twice, I don't know. That's why for people like you

and me it is good to stay on site. If I was healthy I would just do seva

and hang around, but things are otherwise.

 

I have been diagnosed with Lyme and Babesia (a malaria-like parasite of

the red blood cells). Because I have had these things so long there are

a lot of metabolic anomalies. So the illness manifests much like yours,

fatigue, body pain, brain fog (and just no brain!) etc, etc.

 

Like the little girl singing to Mother, I would love to run off to

Amritapuri. But instead, like you, I have to work on the inner

connection, which is what it is about anyway. Mother did not come to

charm us, as much as I love it. It is the discipline of sadhana that I

lack. That's what I meant about being lazy. It is one thing to start

meditating, but then something comes along to interrupt it and the

routine is broken. With us we have many interruptions, i.e. being too

sick many days. There are many, many of Mother's children who are

disabled. There are those with visible disabilities, and then the

invisible ones. I remember seeing five people in wheelchairs lined up in

the hall. I have had people tell me that being sick is a sadhana, but to

look at it that way it is too easy to focus on our illness, and it does

nothing to keep our mind on the Divine.

 

Thank you for your suggestions to keep the inner connection.The pull of

Maya is so strong, and I don't even really care about it! Isn't that

weird? It's just a mental habit, and the illusion that what we perceive

with our five senses is real. That's why being with Mother is such a

gift - we get that shot in the arm - but the effect wears off. Like you,

this list is a tremendous support, a wonderful satsang. Swamini said in

her book that either to ask for devotion, or tell ourselves we have

devotion, can't remember which, and eventually we have it.

 

Instant realization - wouldn't that be wonderful? To go from being a

bogi to a yogi in an instant! :-) But Mother says it doesn't happen

that way. So maybe this impatience is a good thing - dealing with this

knotted ball of string that is my mind. Ah, to be the empty pot - the

empty bamboo, focused on the beautiful Divine Mother. Much more

important than being well.

Hugs and love to you

 

Jai Ma!

Prasdini

>

> Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha!

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