To Prasadini A Joyous Yet Difficult Return...

[Guest guest]

I also love that question!

During this entire time of my darkness... I never once visited the Amma

website or looked at anything online dealing with Amma. I have none of

Amma's books or such... perhaps if I did, I would have returned to her side

sooner. But I had one small magnet on my refrigerator that a sweet CoL

writer made for me. It's a wooden heart shape, with a small photo of Amma in

the center. Many times I would smile seeing it... kiss it (her)... while at

other times, it would bring me tears to see it, for so many reasons.

Sometimes I felt horrible for not staying close to her, other times I

wondered why all of my problems were allowed to worsen... I'd sometimes see

no end to the misery.

I am so sorry to hear about your health, dear. I hope and pray that you are

well and in as much comfort as is possible. Thank you for your compliment on

my name, and for the well wishes.

I go to yet another specialist on Tuesday and hopefully they can make some

sort of conclusion... and begin to take action. I need surgery, but I am

severely anemic at this point, and surgery is considered to be more of an

elective option, since my condition is not life-threatening. I've been

taking iron pills and still my blood volume decreases. They's already let me

know that I am at increased risk for uterine and ovarian cancer (I have

numerous very large cysts and/or tumors on both ovaries at the moment), and

now they are telling me that I am displaying some of the classic signs of

colon cancer. It's so frightening... and I think part of me returning to

Amma is knowing that there is no way I can handle this on my own. The

emotional stress of all of this, and feeling helpless... thinking of cancer,

and my mind running wild with all of the different possibilities... it was

hurting me more than the physical pain and discomfort.

I have a lot of people praying for me, and I firmly believe this is helping

me tremendously. Right now, all I can do is sit back and endure the ride...

brace myself against all of the bumps, and enjoy the smooth spots.

¸..• ´¨¨)) -:¦:-

¸.•´ .•´¨¨))

((¸¸.•´ ..•´ -:¦:- ..::Brightest Blessings::..

-:¦:- ((¸¸.•´.¸..•` ..::Bela::..

 

On 9/11/05, Prasadini <ganesh1008 wrote:

>

> Dear Bella and Prajna,

>

> First - I LOVE the question, "Where does Amma's lap end?"

>

> In one instant in late winter of this year I "lost" Mother. I was in utter

> despair because of my health. I had lost all hope and all faith in that

> instant.

> I have pictures of Mother everywhere in the house. I took many of them

> down.

> I could not bear to sleep without my Amma doll, but other than that I

> had little

> to do with Her for quite a while. It was part anger, part utter lack of

> faith and discouragement.

>

> I was ambivalent abut seeing Her in June, then became more enthusiastic

> as the time came closer. I couldn't make it to see Her, however,

> because the whole time She was in San Ramon and LA I was sick with

> first one thing and then another. I never doubted that there was a reason

> for that. My crazy mind went from the thought that I was being punished

> to, well, it was all for the best and what I needed.

>

> This child had been clinging to Her feet for so long, and then just let

> go.

> Partly it was a matter of just giving up the good fight of dealing with

> this

> suffering (late stage Lyme, is the latest diagnosis).

>

> So I can understand that in the chaos of first one suffering, then

> another, then something else awful happening it is easy to lose faith.

> Of course that is when we need it most,

> but that connection to Her I guess is always there, if even the

> thickness of a thread.

> And as Prajna, our wise sister said, "She never, never leaves us".

>

> Bela (I love your name), I really hope you have a turnaround in your

> health. I am

> glad that good things are beginning to happen for you.

>

> I happened to be speaking on the phone to the friend of a friend who

> said that

> he couldn't imagine going through this life without a Guru, because life

> is so hard,

> and he isn't even sick.

>

> It sure can be a bumpy ride!

> In Amma's Love,

> Prasadini