To Iswari on experiences with Amma

[Guest guest]

Iswari wrote:

 

Oh, this is reminding me of a story Krishna Das once told at a kirtan. He

talked about seeing all of the devotees of his guru (Neem Karoli Baba) being

moved to tears in his presence, and how he always felt something was wrong with

him because he didn't cry. One day, he tried to make himself cry, and his

guru said (roughly), "Hey what are you doing? Why are you forcing yourself to

imitate these other devotees, because you think that's what you're 'supposed'

to do!? Express love in the way that it comes through you."

 

Dear Iswari ~ thank you so much for sharing this story. First of all, I LOVE

Krisna Das. Second, the story so well illustrates that we are all diverse

individuals who respond to Amma's comings and goings uniquely. I have cried

around Amma, but never because She is leaving, and I never felt there was

anything wrong with me because of that.

 

At the end of Devi Bhava at the MA retreat, a couple of sevites near the

stage where I was doing line seva snapped at me harshly/nastily. Although I

hadn't done anything wrong, I was so exhausted from working so much that it

pushed a major worthlessness button (that it probably wouldn't have ordinarily

-

except that I think Amma wanted to show it to me) and I was in tears for the

last hour or two. At one point, I was sitting outside the hall area, crying,

and a satsang sister stopped when she saw me to ask if I was okay. I said,

"not really, at the moment." She gave me a kind look and said, "That's right,

you cry for God, go on....just cry for God." And then I felt even worse than I

had a few minutes before, because I wasn't crying for God. I was crying

because I felt like such pathetic excuse for a devotee! I was crying because I

felt God/Amma didn't even want me there. And then I was

crying even harder because she'd mistaken my tears of despair for something

noble!

 

I wonder if anyone else has felt this way and if so....what to do?

 

Iswari ~ I think the same thing would have happened to me ~ my worthlessness

button would have been pushed, and I would have dissolved in tears. I don't

think it matters whether or not the devotee who tried to comfort you knew

what was really going on. Your crying your worthlessness was a way that Amma

gave you an opportunity to know it was still there and to cry for the child

that

was, for whatever reason, made to have that feeling, and in so doing, wash

some of that away. The devotee was just an actor on Amma's stage. You are

worthy behond measure ~ Linda