to Robin: on her Darshan

[Guest guest]

Dear precious Robin,

Aum Amriteswaryai Namaha!

i am so moved by your post that my tears are flowing and my nose is

running! Your purity of heart is so refreshing! And i so love what

you said at the end of this beautiful heart-felt post:

'

" I hope that you all realize that Mother is always with us no matter

where her physical form is, sometimes it takes a slap in the face."

 

Mother is most certainly always with us; everything in existance is

simply Her Divine Energy, She who is the River of Divine Love.

But still, our heart aches to be with Her physically and look into

Her Eyes of love that reflect the Cosmos. Her Eyes that sparkle like

a thousand diamonds and makes the Sun blush.

Robin, i so appreciate your putting all this loving energy into

typing this heart wrenching post. i know how hard it is to express

the experiences we have in Amma's Divine Presence.

May we all immerse ourselves in the River of Love and express that

love to all Her dear children. We are so fortunate to have our

beloved Amma on the planet, and are so blessed to be able to breathe

the air that She breathes out.

Aum Amriteswaryai Namaha!

Dissolving in Mother's Sweet, sweet love,

your sister always,

muktimaa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ammachi, Robin Wilson <lilymoonjewel>

wrote:

> Namaste Everyone,

>

> I feel like I still haven't had time to assimilate the past two

weeks. I have been working unbelievably long hours, but I wanted to

write something down before I forget everything. With me it happens

quite frequently. So......

>

> To start off I can say that my second experience was NOTHING

like my first. I think had I been ANY more humble on my first visit,

I would have reached liberation! lol My experience the first time was

so empowering. Magical. Inspiring. Awing. Humbling. Not that this

time wasn't but I owe it to a lot of people for my first visit that I

NEVER thought would happen. In all the world with all the Hollywood

stars and pop singers the only person I had ever wanted to meet was

Amma and I saw her as unreachable. Its hard to explain in words how

much gratitude I felt, still feel and how I felt that God moved

mountains for me, just because I felt this unexplainable pull and

desire to meet her. It is a lesson in itself. That anything was

possible if you truly desire it. And it seemed that the first time

was on a WHOLE different level. To those of you who made that

possible it will NEVER be forgotten. Even your prayers.

>

> I have felt and still feel for quite sometime, I have not

exactly left my path, I could never deny who I truly am, it is always

there in my heart, pulling me back in the right direction, a song

here, a painting there, but I haven't exactly been a "model" devotee

lately. It has been quite sometime since I have meditated, or even

did my japa (which I vowed I would to Amma at least do my mantra 108

times a day). I think about Amma very frequently, but there was a

time when I thought of her incessantly, I feel this inner confliction

of "worldly" and "spiritual" lately. It's really a struggle......

>

> So driving up to meet Amma again.... although excited, I felt

that it was like an "everyday" event to see her?!?!? Of course my

head/heart kept screaming.."Are you insane YOUR going to see

AMMA...why are you not feeling more grateful? I think I just felt a

little more relaxed because I knew what to expect, I wasn't scared

thinking OMG I'm going to meet GOD!!!!!!!!!! Who can crush me like a

bug!!!! lol I knew that she was a little more approachable than that

this time around, although I still get a little nervous around her, I

am no where near as bad as last year. So we arrive.....I just soaked

in her divine presence with my girls....I felt a really bad pull to

do seva but couldn't with my girls, then someone told me that WAS my

seva, and I realized they were right. My first hug was SO upsetting

to me....she didn't even look at me when she pulled me in...then when

she let go she gave me a look that said "You know better!!!!You

have been a devotee for many years, you should be

> beyond all this!!!What happen to the disciplineIt is

unacceptableYou know better!!!!" Yes....... it was all in one look

that lasted about 3 nano seconds ....believe it or not....I about

balled my head off, but held it in. I kept thinking she's right and I

need to get use to her guidance because she is my guru. If I can't

accept a look, how will I accept more? I told some people about how I

was feeling but never let my sobs out. Then someone said what I saw

was a reflection of how I felt myself. It hit me. YES! That makes so

much sense! I AM disappointed with my "lack" of spiritual progress

for the past 6 months. And I KNOW I can do better. It was easier to

accept the look from myself than from Mother, even though we are one

and the same. Mother knew it pained me so much, I was meant to hear

this mans words. I can't STAND disappointing Mother. Not even my

physical mother. I hated hearing the words ..." We are so

disappointed in you" from my parents. It was the last thing I

> wanted to hear and broke my heart even when I was a young girl. I

only wanted to please. I couldn't bear the look from Mother. It broke

my heart to think she was disappointed. Whether her look or my

reflection.... I learned from it. My self will has become like a

rock. I refuse to be lazy any longer. I refuse to let the body win,

or even wordily influences. I know I can't be perfect, but I can at

least strive to be. I want mother to be so pleased with me the next

time I see her. Even though we can never really disappoint Mother. I

can disappoint myself. I hope to learn from that experience.

>

> After coming to terms with my 'lesson' I got a hug on Devi Bhava,

she just smiled and gave a gentle hug and pinched my cheek. A sure

sign that she wasn't as "mad" as I had thought. Of course I know that

we do not upset Mother in truth, but oh what a look! To have a smile!

It was relief! I felt the whole trip that I had no time to sit with

Amma because of the demands of my girls. Amma of COURSE steps in and

seems to give me every moment available to be as near her as

possible. So while someone helped watch the girls I got to do lap

seva. I sat on the left side of Amma to make sure no one kneeled on

her feet. Anyone that knows me, knows what a serious person I can be

when I am focused on something. I was SO focused and worried that

someone would kneel on her feet! I was guiding everyone so they

wouldn't hurt her. She looks directly at me with the most serious

face for about three seconds and then blurts out in my face a

big "BAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA" making a silly face! lol It meant.....

> your being too serious, lighten up! Your not really here to make

sure they won't hurt my feet, do you think I can not prevent that

myself!? I was near her because I had the desire to be near. It was

for me, not her. I did get to touch her feet once, something I always

wanted to do. I felt like I wasn't suppose to, but later realized,

she meant for me to touch it. I was also able to do flower seva,

which had me directly behind her. She seemed to have me as close to

her as possible for as long as she could. Perhaps because my inner

child felt neglected because of my girls. Not that they were a

burden, I am so glad they were there to meet Amma, its just hard to

be a single parent sometimes. I just wanted to sit and watch her.

This is pretty much the highlights of Iowa. I can't remember a whole

lot, it seems to be a blur.

>

> We drove on to Chicago to be in a strange hotel. It was very

upsetting because I finally started to use the children's programs

for my girls, now that they spent time with Amma, they were bored,

lol, and they had the children's program so far from the hall. It was

like a five minute walk. I felt so neglected every moment away from

Mother, and it was intensifying. Somehow my satsang was able to do

some kind of ceremony when she walked in on Devi Bhava night,(not

Pada Puja) Me and two other girls along with a Divine little boy

were able to garland Amma! It was extraordinary. She walked up to

us....to me and the other two women it was like a split second and

she was darting away. From the onlookers they said she looked at each

one of us and smiled into our eyes for a long while. I don't remember

this at all. The other two said they felt a vibration from her and

when she walked away they could feel the floor vibrate. I couldn't

feel anything. Or maybe I was just unaware. Me and my

> focusing again on trying not to hurt Amma with the garland! I was

trying to make sure it went over her bun in the back and didn't pull

on her, so again I am focused and missing out on the "good

vibrations" lol It was incredible, I still find it as a dream. The

boy was ALWAYS sitting with Amma! It was so funny I felt so drawn to

this boy. He was like Krishna! Someone else agreed with this. We

found out from his parents that he has a shrine room of his favorite

Goddess Durga, or was it Kali? Can't remember. He meditates and knows

four or five languages and is so comical. He was divine to say the

least. I was grateful to play with him and have him play with my

girls the entire trip. My girls were also able to sit with Amma

during Meditation in Iowa. That was so beautiful! They were so quiet

and still, what's her secret? lol I did flower seva again. (Erica

this is the Darshan you witnessed) On Devi Bhava night I got my hug,

she pulled me in for a long hug, then let go and as I'm getting

> up I was holding out my hand out because I thought she would give

me a Hersey kiss, she had her hand full of blessed petals to throw on

my family, DROPS them and picks up a kiss, knowing EXACTLY what I was

thinking! lol She then gives me the kiss and pulls me back in for

another hug, looking into my eyes with the most LOVING look I have

ever seen by her, acting like I was her cutest child, wanting a candy

so innocently. There was more to this look but words can not explain.

I THOUGHT I saw something unexplainable in her eyes, something meant

for me to see. I contemplate on Amma/God a lot, most everyday. I have

so many thoughts. It was like she was showing me that she was who she

is. Her bliss. Her Divinity. That she was not human, but more. She

was only acting. That's the best I can explain. I walked away bumped

into Erica, said a quick hello, and rushed away,then all the pent up

sobs that I wouldn't let come out the entire trip finally came in an

uncontrollable burst. I left the

> hall hours early, not willingly, but my girls were exhausted so I

went. Plus I had to drive us all home so I needed the rest. I feel

like it was all a dream and I really didn't see Amma at all. I feel

like it went by in a blur, so much faster than the first time. And I

feel like I was pushed back into my hectic job way too fast. There

was no three month bliss with this meeting. On a good note the first

time I met Amma, we came home, the woman I met and drove with, (I

rode with her again this year) and I felt like she was my last link

to Amma and I would never see her again, I don't think I had felt

such gut-wrenching sorrow as I did the moment I got home after it all

ended the first time, feeling I would never see another devotee, or

that I was SO lonely, or that I would ever see Mother again. It was

more gently this time, I knew it wouldn't be the last. It was OK. The

only residual effect that I have this time is pure ENERGY and plenty

of it!!! I can't stop cleaning! I have had

> people notice this outside and inside of work. Its CRAZY! lol

>

> When I came home I felt a little down and out and STILL neglected.

Alone. I kept asking myself HOW will I EVER get to my goal. Its too

hard Amma! I'll never make it. What do I do? Where do I go from here?

Is it even real? Sometimes I feel like its a dream, like Amma is not

real, its too good to be true. So the next morning still feeling

lonely and that I would never make it to my goal, I inexplicably pick

up one of Amma's books and it flips open to a page and I read these

words:

>

> "Do not think, "How is it possible to reach that state? I can never

attain Liberation. Through our prayers and sadhana, we can slowly

reach the goal. Always remember that the transitory happiness is

wrapped in sorrow. Through self-control the mind is purified and

becomes powerful enough to realize God. Child through cultivation of

good character, good thoughts and through the company of saints and

sages we can remove three quarters of our negative tendencies. Yet it

is only after the attainment of realization that all negative

tendencies will be destroyed. Therefore, without being afraid,

dejected or in a brooding mood, proceed towards the goal."

>

> Can I deny that Amma just slapped me in the face with a

big "HELLOOOOOOOOOOO..IM RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT HEREEEEE !!!!!" She

answered all my sorrows with one paragraph. "I'm here, DON'T be

lonelyHere is howStop broodingKeep going"

>

> I think the most important lesson from this whole experience is

that I need to get serious with my path again and start disciplining

myself. I have lost SO much time. I just keep thinking of the movie

The Green Mile, and that sometimes the mile really does seem so

long. Hopefully with my new strong determination, unlimited energy,

and most importantly Amma's guidance and grace, I can make much more

progress this year. All my love to you and yours. I have so much

love for you all. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that

you all realize that Mother is always with us no matter where her

physical form is, sometimes it takes a slap in the face. :-)

>

> At Mother's Holy, Holy feet,

> Robin

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