My Darshan

[Guest guest]

Namaste Everyone,

 

I feel like I still haven't had time to assimilate the past two weeks. I have

been working unbelievably long hours, but I wanted to write something down

before I forget everything. With me it happens quite frequently. So......

 

To start off I can say that my second experience was NOTHING like my first. I

think had I been ANY more humble on my first visit, I would have reached

liberation! lol My experience the first time was so empowering. Magical.

Inspiring. Awing. Humbling. Not that this time wasn't but I owe it to a lot of

people for my first visit that I NEVER thought would happen. In all the world

with all the Hollywood stars and pop singers the only person I had ever wanted

to meet was Amma and I saw her as unreachable. Its hard to explain in words how

much gratitude I felt, still feel and how I felt that God moved mountains for

me, just because I felt this unexplainable pull and desire to meet her. It is a

lesson in itself. That anything was possible if you truly desire it. And it

seemed that the first time was on a WHOLE different level. To those of you who

made that possible it will NEVER be forgotten. Even your prayers.

 

I have felt and still feel for quite sometime, I have not exactly left my

path, I could never deny who I truly am, it is always there in my heart, pulling

me back in the right direction, a song here, a painting there, but I haven't

exactly been a "model" devotee lately. It has been quite sometime since I have

meditated, or even did my japa (which I vowed I would to Amma at least do my

mantra 108 times a day). I think about Amma very frequently, but there was a

time when I thought of her incessantly, I feel this inner confliction of

"worldly" and "spiritual" lately. It's really a struggle......

 

So driving up to meet Amma again.... although excited, I felt that it was like

an "everyday" event to see her?!?!? Of course my head/heart kept screaming.."Are

you insane YOUR going to see AMMA...why are you not feeling more grateful? I

think I just felt a little more relaxed because I knew what to expect, I wasn't

scared thinking OMG I'm going to meet GOD!!!!!!!!!! Who can crush me like a

bug!!!! lol I knew that she was a little more approachable than that this time

around, although I still get a little nervous around her, I am no where near as

bad as last year. So we arrive.....I just soaked in her divine presence with my

girls....I felt a really bad pull to do seva but couldn't with my girls, then

someone told me that WAS my seva, and I realized they were right. My first hug

was SO upsetting to me....she didn't even look at me when she pulled me

in...then when she let go she gave me a look that said "You know better!!!!"

"You have been a devotee for many years, you should be

beyond all this!!!What happen to the disciplineIt is unacceptableYou

know better!!!!" Yes....... it was all in one look that lasted about 3 nano

seconds ....believe it or not....I about balled my head off, but held it in. I

kept thinking she's right and I need to get use to her guidance because she is

my guru. If I can't accept a look, how will I accept more? I told some people

about how I was feeling but never let my sobs out. Then someone said what I saw

was a reflection of how I felt myself. It hit me. YES! That makes so much sense!

I AM disappointed with my "lack" of spiritual progress for the past 6 months.

And I KNOW I can do better. It was easier to accept the look from myself than

from Mother, even though we are one and the same. Mother knew it pained me so

much, I was meant to hear this mans words. I can't STAND disappointing Mother.

Not even my physical mother. I hated hearing the words ..." We are so

disappointed in you" from my parents. It was the last thing I

wanted to hear and broke my heart even when I was a young girl. I only wanted

to please. I couldn't bear the look from Mother. It broke my heart to think she

was disappointed. Whether her look or my reflection.... I learned from it. My

self will has become like a rock. I refuse to be lazy any longer. I refuse to

let the body win, or even wordily influences. I know I can't be perfect, but I

can at least strive to be. I want mother to be so pleased with me the next time

I see her. Even though we can never really disappoint Mother. I can disappoint

myself. I hope to learn from that experience.

 

After coming to terms with my 'lesson' I got a hug on Devi Bhava, she just

smiled and gave a gentle hug and pinched my cheek. A sure sign that she wasn't

as "mad" as I had thought. Of course I know that we do not upset Mother in

truth, but oh what a look! To have a smile! It was relief! I felt the whole trip

that I had no time to sit with Amma because of the demands of my girls. Amma of

COURSE steps in and seems to give me every moment available to be as near her as

possible. So while someone helped watch the girls I got to do lap seva. I sat on

the left side of Amma to make sure no one kneeled on her feet. Anyone that knows

me, knows what a serious person I can be when I am focused on something. I was

SO focused and worried that someone would kneel on her feet! I was guiding

everyone so they wouldn't hurt her. She looks directly at me with the most

serious face for about three seconds and then blurts out in my face a big

"BAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA" making a silly face! lol It meant.....

your being too serious, lighten up! Your not really here to make sure they

won't hurt my feet, do you think I can not prevent that myself!? I was near her

because I had the desire to be near. It was for me, not her. I did get to touch

her feet once, something I always wanted to do. I felt like I wasn't suppose to,

but later realized, she meant for me to touch it. I was also able to do flower

seva, which had me directly behind her. She seemed to have me as close to her as

possible for as long as she could. Perhaps because my inner child felt neglected

because of my girls. Not that they were a burden, I am so glad they were there

to meet Amma, its just hard to be a single parent sometimes. I just wanted to

sit and watch her. This is pretty much the highlights of Iowa. I can't remember

a whole lot, it seems to be a blur.

 

We drove on to Chicago to be in a strange hotel. It was very upsetting because

I finally started to use the children's programs for my girls, now that they

spent time with Amma, they were bored, lol, and they had the children's program

so far from the hall. It was like a five minute walk. I felt so neglected every

moment away from Mother, and it was intensifying. Somehow my satsang was able to

do some kind of ceremony when she walked in on Devi Bhava night,(not Pada Puja)

Me and two other girls along with a Divine little boy were able to garland Amma!

It was extraordinary. She walked up to us....to me and the other two women it

was like a split second and she was darting away. From the onlookers they said

she looked at each one of us and smiled into our eyes for a long while. I don't

remember this at all. The other two said they felt a vibration from her and when

she walked away they could feel the floor vibrate. I couldn't feel anything. Or

maybe I was just unaware. Me and my

focusing again on trying not to hurt Amma with the garland! I was trying to

make sure it went over her bun in the back and didn't pull on her, so again I am

focused and missing out on the "good vibrations" lol It was incredible, I still

find it as a dream. The boy was ALWAYS sitting with Amma! It was so funny I felt

so drawn to this boy. He was like Krishna! Someone else agreed with this. We

found out from his parents that he has a shrine room of his favorite Goddess

Durga, or was it Kali? Can't remember. He meditates and knows four or five

languages and is so comical. He was divine to say the least. I was grateful to

play with him and have him play with my girls the entire trip. My girls were

also able to sit with Amma during Meditation in Iowa. That was so beautiful!

They were so quiet and still, what's her secret? lol I did flower seva again.

(Erica this is the Darshan you witnessed) On Devi Bhava night I got my hug, she

pulled me in for a long hug, then let go and as I'm getting

up I was holding out my hand out because I thought she would give me a Hersey

kiss, she had her hand full of blessed petals to throw on my family, DROPS them

and picks up a kiss, knowing EXACTLY what I was thinking! lol She then gives me

the kiss and pulls me back in for another hug, looking into my eyes with the

most LOVING look I have ever seen by her, acting like I was her cutest child,

wanting a candy so innocently. There was more to this look but words can not

explain. I THOUGHT I saw something unexplainable in her eyes, something meant

for me to see. I contemplate on Amma/God a lot, most everyday. I have so many

thoughts. It was like she was showing me that she was who she is. Her bliss. Her

Divinity. That she was not human, but more. She was only acting. That's the best

I can explain. I walked away bumped into Erica, said a quick hello, and rushed

away,then all the pent up sobs that I wouldn't let come out the entire trip

finally came in an uncontrollable burst. I left the

hall hours early, not willingly, but my girls were exhausted so I went. Plus I

had to drive us all home so I needed the rest. I feel like it was all a dream

and I really didn't see Amma at all. I feel like it went by in a blur, so much

faster than the first time. And I feel like I was pushed back into my hectic job

way too fast. There was no three month bliss with this meeting. On a good note

the first time I met Amma, we came home, the woman I met and drove with, (I rode

with her again this year) and I felt like she was my last link to Amma and I

would never see her again, I don't think I had felt such gut-wrenching sorrow as

I did the moment I got home after it all ended the first time, feeling I would

never see another devotee, or that I was SO lonely, or that I would ever see

Mother again. It was more gently this time, I knew it wouldn't be the last. It

was OK. The only residual effect that I have this time is pure ENERGY and plenty

of it!!! I can't stop cleaning! I have had

people notice this outside and inside of work. Its CRAZY! lol

 

When I came home I felt a little down and out and STILL neglected. Alone. I kept

asking myself HOW will I EVER get to my goal. Its too hard Amma! I'll never make

it. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Is it even real? Sometimes I feel

like its a dream, like Amma is not real, its too good to be true. So the next

morning still feeling lonely and that I would never make it to my goal, I

inexplicably pick up one of Amma's books and it flips open to a page and I read

these words:

 

"Do not think, "How is it possible to reach that state? I can never attain

Liberation. Through our prayers and sadhana, we can slowly reach the goal.

Always remember that the transitory happiness is wrapped in sorrow. Through

self-control the mind is purified and becomes powerful enough to realize God.

Child through cultivation of good character, good thoughts and through the

company of saints and sages we can remove three quarters of our negative

tendencies. Yet it is only after the attainment of realization that all negative

tendencies will be destroyed. Therefore, without being afraid, dejected or in a

brooding mood, proceed towards the goal."

 

Can I deny that Amma just slapped me in the face with a big

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO..IM RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT HEREEEEE !!!!!" She answered all my

sorrows with one paragraph. "I'm here, DON'T be lonelyHere is howStop

broodingKeep going"

 

I think the most important lesson from this whole experience is that I need to

get serious with my path again and start disciplining myself. I have lost SO

much time. I just keep thinking of the movie The Green Mile, and that sometimes

the mile really does seem so long. Hopefully with my new strong determination,

unlimited energy, and most importantly Amma's guidance and grace, I can make

much more progress this year. All my love to you and yours. I have so much love

for you all. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you all realize

that Mother is always with us no matter where her physical form is, sometimes it

takes a slap in the face. :-)

 

At Mother's Holy, Holy feet,

Robin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear Robin,

 

I adore your innocence.

 

With love,

Erica