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[Guest guest]

Om Amriteswaryai Namaha!

 

It's really hard for me to explain my experience in San Ramon thus far. I'm

going through a deep purification and transformation, and I think I'm not the

only one.

 

Tuesday I gave my darshan token to another devotee who didn't have one, and

watched him get the most incredible darshan with only a slight twinge of

jealousy, knowing that I would surely get rewarded for my selflessness the nest

day with some sort of fantasticly long, very special darshan. Silly me. When

Amma was leaving the hall I was kneeling by Her shoes blowing bubbles at Her.

She turned around, got very close, and blew directly into my face, sending

bubbles flying all around Her head. Her expression was slightly disturbing, sort

of a Kali Bhava, which was totally appropriate because I am constantly saying

things to Her like "Bring down Your sword, Kali Ma" and "Make me less than dust

at Your feet" in Malayalam. The next day they asked those of us who had already

had two hugs that week to not go for darshan. Well, I thought, that was probably

a good thing, surely Mother would give me some extra attention at some point.

After all, with the exception of a really amazing Devi Bhava

darshan, I've felt sort of ignored by my Mother. And there was always thursday.

However, despite my enlightened attitude of pretend acceptance, I found myself

hating Amma and desperately needing Her to look at me or otherwise acknowledge

my existence. I guess that's what I get for studying advaita... She's teaching

me that I don't exist.

 

When She was leaving the hall wednesday night I almost jumped up to take prasad

from Her hand, but instead sat down where Her chair was and began to pray.

Suddenly I saw/felt this huge wave of love and light coming toward me and I

started crying. I opened my mouth (eyes still closed) and in went a prasad kiss,

brought by Anaghan. This is the fist time I've really felt the power of Ma's

prasad.

 

Thursday She continued to ignore me, and again I didn't get darshan. It seemed

that a lot of people were struggling with similar issues of attachment,

withdrawal, etc. Lots of cranky people (myself included). Kept positioning

myself right next to or in front of Her, but She still did not look at me.

Feeling more and more disturbed, finally I got it sometime in the evening. This

seems to sum up the whole tour for me so far:

 

The love we are seeking cannot be found in an outside source. The attachment to

Amma's (limited) physical form has to go at some point if we are to experience

our true nature. Over and over She tells us who we are ("You don't need to fill

your heart with love, you ARE love"), yet we still go for the lap, for the

physical manifestation. We still seek it from out there. But where DOES Amma's

lap end? It just doesn't. The Divine Mother is all of us, and instead of doing

the work to find that source within, we just transfer the need around from our

loved ones to our Guru, and on and on.

 

I habitually struggle with this sense of unworthiness around Amma, and last

night it occurred to me that my thinking was totally mistaken. How can you be

worthy or unworthy of something which you already are? Am I worthy of having

blue eyes? How ridiculous. The only thing left is to pray for grace, that we

will come to find Her within and let go of the need for attention from Her form.

I have glimpses of it, but am far from established in it. But now, being aware

of the pattern, I feel it losing it's power, and there is the most compassionate

embrace Amma has ever given this child- the understanding that the love I seek

is within, and the hug is simply a pointer in that direction.

 

I know, I know, She's only been telling us this the whole time. If you study Her

teachings and try taking them to heart, it's clear that She's telling us what's

up over and over. But we still go back for the hug because we don't yet have the

understanding.

 

As She was leaving last night, I got in line to get prasad, and She gave it to

everyone before and after me, and deliberately didn't give me any. In fact, when

She got to me, She turned Her back and gave tons of attention to the people

across from me. I felt so loved, because She was affirming the teaching I had

received. Maybe that sounds wierd, but this is the culmination of the tour for

me so far. To let go of the form and find the formless within. Jai Ma!

 

love,

 

Prajna

 

 

 

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