Little views of Amma in San Ramon

[Guest guest]

Om Namah Shivaya,

 

This seems like an ideal time to send some of my perceptions of Amma in San

Ramon. First, after laying it at Amma's feet how much time I could spend with

Her this summer, due to an inner ear infection, I've seen Mother on only one

day, Tuesday. Thanks to the recent post on surrender, I'm able to be grateful

for being home sick, as Amma must have a good reason for it. I plan to see Amma

tomorrow night, God willing.

 

Monday night I was grieving deeply, over a situation with a family member. It

seemed I had no family, other than God. Then, my lying mind thought maybe I was

insignificant even to Amma, just one of millions of people, & that She didn't

really consider me as Her daughter. I think Amma embodies God in a human form,

but I'm not advanced enough to always perceive God everywhere. So, I wanted so

badly for Amma to give me a sign that I am Her/God's daughter. Due to these

feelings & because I was getting sick, I got a darshan token for the MA Center's

first public program. Then it was announced that due to the large crowd,

darshans would be shorter than usual. It was mentioned how Amma gives even

quicker darshans in India, but that Amma was afraid we westerners would be taken

away in ambulances if She went that fast! So, I returned my token, thinking

Amma could hug me later.

 

Then, I proceeded to hand prasad to Amma. I usually get so nervous while doing

this, & often mess it up. This time, I placed the pot of sandlewood paste under

a woman's groping hand, & she then smeared paste onto Amma's white sari. A

devotee unsuccessfully tried to wipe it off. The brown paste on the white sari,

reminds me of how Amma takes our darkness & karma onto to Her perfectly pure

Self. Then Amma gave darshan to a devotee-friend, so by caring for the devotee,

I was able to relax. During the relatively few times I've handed prasad to

Amma, it seems that She'll often give darshan to someone with whom I feel a

closeness. Definitely not a coincidence.

 

Late in the day someone handed a token to me, saying Amma was now stretching out

darshan, because a wedding would happen at 4PM. What a gift! As I knelt in the

darshan line, Amma was playfully pulling back from Gita, a covered silver pot

full of a devotee's food offering. She took some, ate it & included me in Her

happily wild & crazy looking glance. She has the most expressive eyes! She

also gave a bop (on the head or back?) to Gita! You can imagine how people were

laughing. As I drew closer to Amma, my mind felt as if it was going in so many

directions & that I couldn't sanely bare anymore of it's negativities that were

arising.

 

At Amma's feet, She pulled me in for a hug, then pulled me back, (touching my

chin/jaw?), Her eyes appearing full of compassion & concern & looked into my

eyes, saying a word in Malayalam with a questioning inflection. Then She hugged

me a second time, repeating daughter, daughter, daughter .... During the second

hug, my mind was somewhere else, & I wasn't too aware of what was happening

physically, but a devotee told me that Amma was rocking me from side to side.

Like the song titled, "Rocked in the Arms of God." Oh, I cried when I stood up,

& felt so grateful. Then I asked someone the meaning of the Malayalam word, &

it was daughter! I've felt that Amma's darshans have more of an impact when She

speaks Her native tongue, & this one was no exception. It felt as if all the

craziness & negativites that had arisen were removed. (Maybe that crazy glance

was taking on some of my craziness?) While sitting outside crying, in the bliss

of Amma's love, it seemed it would be O.K. to

be the lowliest creeper on earth, as long as I knew that Amma is the Mother who

loves me.

 

Amma's glances are always significant, & I interpret them as God giving me

attention, so I'll share what my mind was thinking during a couple of them. One

was while thinking that God is all that any of us really have. Another was

while thinking that due to not feeling well, I would use will power to perform a

seva that night. After praying for the grace to serve Amma, the tangible grace

& love felt during the seva was close to, if not, the best feeling I've had.

Serving Amma is the very best thing!

 

During the evening satsang, Amma made the point that we should live in the

moment. She talked about a bramachari, who spent his time with Her on the north

Indian tour, crying because he would have to leave Her halfway though it. Then,

as he left, he was still crying. So, he apparenetly didn't enjoy Her presence,

due to fretting about departing from Amma.

 

A swami said that in March, it wasn't certain if Amma would visit the states.

Due to the tsunami relief efforts, other tours had been cancelled. He said it

was because of grace that Amma came here. Then, Amma commented that it was

because of Her childrens' love for Her that She came here, ..... & grace was

added, almost as if an after thought.

 

Can you believe Amma made sure I got a token, since I wouldn't see Her for a

couple of days? Then, a devotee asked if I would share a hotel room this Friday

night, which means this body needs only enough energy to drive one way, & can

then rest in Amma's presence. Due to my illness, my rebelling 13-year-old son

cooked for me yesterday, & let me know he is my family Such grace. To know

Amma, we must be the most blessed souls on earth.

 

Om Amriteshwaryai Namah,

 

Sweta