Cosmic vision - By Swami Amritatmananda

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Namah Shivaya

 

Taken from

http://archives.amritapuri.org/matruvani/vol-99/oct99/99mv10cosmic.htm

 

 

Cosmic Vision

 

By Swami Amritatmananda

 

Several years have passed since I first took refuge in Mother. I often

recall those good old days and marvel at the tremendous changes that

have taken place. How did all this happen? What circumstances brought

me to the feet of Mother? At times, such thoughts flash through my

mind. I wonder at the pains Mother has taken to bring me up. She has

fed me with Her sweet motherly affection to my heart's content.

Certainly, it was not because of any merit on my part. It was all

because of Her infinite compassion and unconditional grace.

 

If someone asks me who or what Mother is, I can only say that today I

seem to know Her even less than when I first met Her. The one thing I

can say with certainty, though, is that She is my Mother and my All in

all. It was so in the past, it is so in the present, and so it will be

in the future; and in lives to come, She shall be my All in all.

 

In much the same way as Krishna revealed His cosmic form to Arjuna on

the battlefield (pictured), Amma revealed Her cosmic form to Swami

Amritatmananda in the Kalari

 

Mother has often given me glimpses into Her true nature, flashes of

Her Divinity. I will describe one such incident that is etched deep in

my heart. Though many years have passed since then, it seems as if it

happened only yesterday. Those places and the people -- every detail

of their faces -- are all deeply imprinted in my mind.

 

It was the time when I had to face much opposition from my erstwhile

home. I had just begun to stay in the Ashram -- or Gurukula is a

better word, for we were truly the Guru's family -- Mother and we four

or five children of Hers who had taken refuge in Her. We were helpless

without Mother. Without Her, we were like fishes out of water.

 

When the opposition from the people, whom I'd once imagined were my

very own, grew, Mother advised me that it would be better If I stayed

away from the Ashram for a while. So, with an aching heart and tearful

eyes, I took leave of Mother. Though She had assured me that I would

have to be away from Her only for a very short time -- that is, until

my parents became resigned to my joining the Ashram. The pangs of

separation I had to undergo were more than I could bear.

 

Thus I came to stay in the Himalayas as a wandering sadhak. For some

time I stayed in an ashram in Uttar Kashi. Later I moved on to

Gangotri. The serene beauty of the Himalayas was captivating. Still,

the sorrow of separation from Mother continued to nag at my heart.

Somehow, I composed myself and engaged in sadhana.

 

The bhiksha (alms of food) I received once a day was the only food I

ate in the Himalayas. There would often be bhandaras. A bhandara is a

feast organised by rich devotees for sannyasis and tapasvis. But I

never participated in those feasts.

 

Then it was the day of Karthika, Mother's birth star. My heart longed

intensely to be with Her, to enjoy the unequalled sweetness of that

Divine Presence. It saddened me that while all my brothers were with

Mother sharing those blissful moments, I was left out here all alone.

Because it was the day of Mother's birth star, I decided to

participate in the bhandara that day. When I reached the venue, I was

received with traditional respect and led to my seat. While eating the

food I had been offered, my attention turned to a youth who was

sitting next to me. He had long hair and was clad in white. Though I

had never seen him before, I felt an attraction towards him. It was as

if I had known him in the past. "Perhaps he is also a spiritual son of

Mother," I thought. As this feeling grew, I began to converse with

him. He had left his home and family at a very young age, and was now

living as a sadhak in the Himalayas. It added to my joy to learn that

he also hailed from Kerala. This youth was staying in a nearby cave

and was doing sadhana all alone.

 

Though we had just met, I felt very close to him. Perhaps he had the

same feelings towards me, because he invited me to stay in his cave

for a few days, which I happily accepted. Having walked a short

distance, we reached his cave. There Mother Nature had showered her

grace in all abundance. On one side were the lofty Himalayan peaks

kissing the clouds. Below flowed the holy Ganges with its silvery

ripples. The cave was situated on a small piece of land which

protruded out into the river. The whole atmosphere was suffused with

spiritual peace. Needless to say, I instantly liked the place. There

was just enough room in the cave for two people. From the moment I

reached the place, my thoughts about Mother became intense. It was as

if Her Divine Presence pervaded the place.

 

I enquired further about the life of that sadhak. In the course of our

conversation, I asked, "Who is your Guru?" Immediately a streak of

pain flashed across his face. For a while he remained silent. Noticing

his unmistakable sorrow, I asked hesitantly, "Do you not have a Guru?"

Heaving a sigh, the youth replied softly, "I do have a Guru. But I

have never seen Her -- or perhaps I shouldn't say that I haven't seen

Her, for I did see Her once in a Divine vision. However, I do not know

where my Guru is at present, or what She is doing." Having said this,

the youth fell silent.

 

Even now, I can vividly see the face of that youth in my mind, all the

pain and sorrow written on that face. Being separated from Mother as I

was, I could easily understand his pain. We were two equally sorrowful

souls. Eager to know more, I asked him, "Could you please tell me

about that vision?"

 

The youth began to speak: "Of what use is spiritual life without a

Guru? I was like a child without a mother, like a blind man groping in

the dark in search of light. There was no one to show me the right

path, to guide me along and to give me the right advice at the right

time. My heart was pining for a Guru. I was constantly praying to the

Almighty to bring me a Guru. I continued my sadhana, hoping that God

would one day answer my prayers. As I didn't have much faith in a God

with form, I used to meditate on light.

 

As I continued with my sadhana, the sorrow of not having a Guru hung

on my heart. One day my pain reached its peak. That day as I sat in

meditation, I slowly became absorbed in deep meditation. Then suddenly

the point of light on which I was meditating began to grow in size. It

continued to expand until it filled the whole universe. I also

experienced the light within myself. It was a divine effulgence within

and without. I do not know for how long I remained in that state. Then

slowly the effulgence began to grow smaller until it finally converged

into a form about five feet tall."

 

Listening to his words, I felt as if my heart stopped beating. An

inexplicable emotion gripped my mind. It was as if I knew in my heart

the culmination of what he was saying.

 

The youth continued, "Slowly that effulgence began to approach me. As

it drew nearer, I saw that it was assuming a human form, and finally I

beheld the divine form of a woman."

 

Now my heart shuddered. I felt as if it was being wrung by somebody.

My inner self murmured that the divine form was none other than my

Mother.

 

The youth continued, "I could clearly see that it was a divine woman

with a dark complexion, clad in white robes. With unwinking eyes, I

stared at that divine form. The woman held up her hand and placed it

on my head. She said to me, "Son, I am your Guru. I have come to give

you initiation." Thus I was seeing my Master, whom I had longed to

see, for so long. I knew that God Himself had appeared before me, in

answer to my prayers. My Guru then gave me mantra diksha and, having

blessed me, vanished from my sight."

 

I could see his eyes fill with tears as he pined for his Guru, whom he

had seen only once. My heart was also in turmoil, for I knew that the

form he had beheld was none other than my own Mother. I prayed

fervently that it should really be so, for if it was otherwise my

heart would have broken. In a trembling voice I asked him, "Would you

be able to recognise your Master if you were to see Her again?"

 

"Certainly," he replied. "Though I have seen Her blessed form only

once, it is etched in my heart forever. Even now I behold it in my

inner mind." As he uttered those words, I suddenly felt Mother's

presence, so palpable and powerful -- I felt I could touch Her. The

divine fragrance that used to emanate from Her filled the air.

 

With trembling fingers I took out a photo of Mother and showed it to

him. "Does your Guru look like this?" I asked. The youth stared at the

photo and was transported to an inexplicable mood. He quickly grabbed

the photo from my hands and stood very still, with his eyes fixed on

it. It was as if he were trying to devour Mother with his eyes. Tears

were streaming down his face. Suddenly he burst into loud cries of

"Amma! Amma!" which reverberated in the atmosphere.

 

I didn't know what was happening, but I, too, was weeping profusely.

The dam within the two of us had burst and we were being carried away

by its turbulent current. My inner self was writhing in the pain of

intense longing for Mother. Hours passed in this way, without any

awareness of the external world. Later, I told him about the

circumstances that had brought me to the Himalayas. For me, who was

being scorched by the pangs of separation from Mother, his presence

was like an oasis in a desert. It is no wonder that I stayed with him

two days longer than I had planned.

 

Thereafter, I took leave of my brother with an unwilling heart, and

returned to Uttar Kashi. When I reached there, a letter was awaiting

me. It was a letter from Mother, instructing me to return to the

Ashram. My joy knew no bounds. I started the next day itself, and was

soon again at the feet of Mother.

 

A few days later when I got an opportunity, I asked Mother, "Amma, was

it you who initiated that brother of mine in the Himalayas?" But She

didn't seemed to hear my question. On two or three other occasions, I

again asked the same question. But each time Mother evaded it with

great dexterity.

 

One day I was meditating in the kalari (little temple), when Mother

entered. Having offered my pranams to Her, I clasped Her feet and

repeated my question. Suddenly Mother closed Her eyes. Her fingers

were joined in a mystic mudra. A divine bhava permeated her face, and

I saw Her form growing in size. It continued to expand and filled the

whole kalari. She was blazing like a thousand suns and I could

scarcely bear the heat. My existence seemed to dissolve in Her divine

glory. Mother's form continued to grow until it encompassed the whole

cosmos, with all animate and inanimate beings. My state was like that

of Arjuna, when he beheld the cosmic form of Lord Krishna.

 

In a deep, ringing voice, Mother spoke: "Did you imagine that four or

five of you are all the disciples I have? My disciples are in every

part of the world. Even in the Himalayas there are hundreds of

tapasvis to whom I have given initiation, and who are meditating on

Me."

 

Having spoken these words, Mother entered into a state of samadhi. Now

and then She would suddenly burst into laughter or shed tears.

 

I was seized by the unthinkable glory of Mother. I also became aware

of my own insignificance. The Mother we know is only a ray of the

blazing Divine Effulgence that She is. How can anyone even begin to

understand the infinite glory of Amma, who appears to us as our own

Darling Mother, and who laughs and plays with us, as one among us!