Guest guest Posted December 4, 2004 Report Share Posted December 4, 2004 Iswari wrote: I have never felt such fright in my life, especially when She arranged it so that I had to spend most of the night by myself. Simultaneously, I couldn't tear myself away from Her, and, yet, there was no "I" and no "Her." Nothing, and everything, just *was*. I realized how afraid I was to be alone, in pure consciousness, where there was no specific thing onto which my mind could grasp. I cried that night, before Her, for hours. I felt like I was dying. I felt my ego, my individual consciousness dissolving... ....I wrote Her a note, and gave it to Her, when my husband and I went up for darshan, basically saying, "I'm scared. How do I go on?" Dayamrita Swami had me stand behind Her...Finally, he turned to me, and said, "Amma says, 'Don't worry.' She says, 'Be spontaneous."...At first, I thought to myself, "What? That's it? That's *all* She has to say to me?!?!" I noticed a spot on the stage...and I sat there for awhile, and reflected. I realized that I was starting to feel an increasing, deepening sense of peace. She was telling me to trust Her, to trust my Self, to trust this process, to go with the flow...and, really, to be still, and let Her carry me, to the ocean of pure consciousness... Afterward, I wondered...what next? How do I integrate this experience? Is this just some peak event that will fade away and be forgotten? Or will I go deeper?... Floating along in Amma, Dear Iswari ~ thank you for sharing this very deep and intense experience. I can well imagine your fright. But you have given us a template to refer to because I don't think one lets go of the ego without a death of the ego, and that is like a death of the self we know, and that must be truly frightening. I don't think this will fade, but I will be interested to hear from you in the future on this. Blessings, Jai Ma ~ Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 My former guru used to use the analogy of being afraid to leave one's hut upon inheriting the castle. Or wanting to return to it after taking a few tentative steps toward the castle. The hut seems so safe and secure, even though it's small; perhaps even because of its smallness. The castle is so large, impersonal. But as Amma says, be spontaneous. Go with it. The castle will turn out to be much better than the hut. on 12/4/04 9:19 AM, nierika at nierika wrote: > > Iswari wrote: > > I have never felt such fright in my life, especially when She arranged it so > that I had to spend most of the night by myself. Simultaneously, I couldn't > tear myself away from Her, and, yet, there was no "I" and no "Her." Nothing, > and everything, just *was*. I realized how afraid I was to be alone, in pure > consciousness, where there was no specific thing onto which my mind could > grasp. I cried that night, before Her, for hours. I felt like I was dying. I > felt my ego, my individual consciousness dissolving... > > ...I wrote Her a note, and gave it to Her, when my husband and I went up for > darshan, basically saying, "I'm scared. How do I go on?" Dayamrita Swami had > me stand behind Her...Finally, he turned to me, and said, "Amma says, 'Don't > worry.' She says, 'Be spontaneous."...At first, I thought to myself, "What? > That's it? That's *all* She has to say to me?!?!" I noticed a spot on the > stage...and I sat there for awhile, and reflected. I realized that I was > starting to feel an increasing, deepening sense of peace. > > She was telling me to trust Her, to trust my Self, to trust this process, to > go with the > flow...and, really, to be still, and let Her carry me, to the ocean of pure > consciousness... > > Afterward, I wondered...what next? How do I integrate this experience? Is > this just some peak event that will fade away and be forgotten? Or will I go > deeper?... > Floating along in Amma, > > > Dear Iswari ~ thank you for sharing this very deep and intense experience. I > can well imagine your fright. But you have given us a template to refer to > because I don't think one lets go of the ego without a death of the ego, and > that is like a death of the self we know, and that must be truly frightening. > I > don't think this will fade, but I will be interested to hear from you in the > future on this. Blessings, Jai Ma ~ Linda > > > > > > > > Aum Amriteswarayai Namaha! > Links > > > > > > > -- Rick Archer SearchSummit 1108 South B Street Fairfield, IA 52556 Phone: 641-472-9336 http://searchsummit.com rick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 I'd been in kind of a funny state over these last few days...feeling mentally/emotionally drained, and like everything that happened in Michigan seemed...so far away from the life to which I've returned in New York, so far away from my ordinary state of consciousness. I was about to say I felt like I've awoken from a dream...but I feared that perhaps I've gone back to sleep! And yet...even though the experience felt distant...I knew that it was real, and that it was significant, and that Amma showed me what She did by Her grace, and in Her wisdom. Still, I was feeling a little disoriented...neither quite here nor there. I ended up speaking with a friend of mine, who, while not a teacher for me in the sense that Amma is my guru, has been very helpful to me, as more of a spiritual elder. It was a really good conversation. When I first told her what had happened, she laughed, and told me that my story reminded her of Arjuna's experience in Chapter 11 of the Bhagavad Gita, in which he asks Krishna to reveal His Divine form, but is so terrified by this experience that he begs Krishna to please return to His previous form! Oh, how ignorant are we! ;-) She spoke to me of the experience of the Mother as mystery, as unknowing, and related to me her own experience...that same sense I had felt, of blindness, of moving in the dark, of the Mother ceasing to be an outward authority, ceasing to be anything external or solid. This really resonated with me. And when I shared with her that I felt like I was losing my ability to relate to Amma in Her physical form, losing my ability to even perceive Her like I used to, she said, "You can only have a strong sense of a presence of one who is not you." She reminded me of this Rumi poem: "One went to the door of the Beloved and knocked. A voice asked, 'Who is there?' He answered, 'It is I.' The voice said, 'There is no room for Me and Thee.' The door was shut. After a year of solitude and deprivation he returned and knocked. A voice from within asked, 'Who is there?' The man said, 'It is Thee.' The door was opened for him." Something else that she said really put things into perspective for me. She advised me not to relegate this experience to the past, to time, but to know that it is ever-present and unfolding...to not turn this experience into some kind of trophy, but to know that it is a living portal into Mother/pure consciousness that can remain open, with spiritual practice. She emphasized the importance of sadhana for me, at this time, and that feels so true. The message is to not let my ego manipulate the experience, but to just be with what is, to engage in the spiritual practices Amma has given, and to have faith in this process. What was really troubling me earlier in the evening was the notion I'd gotten into my head that this was some isolated experience that would fade away, like a dream, and I wouldn't remember or be any different for having been through it. Now, I feel...that is not possible. I know I still have so far to go on my spiritual journey...but also that I am on my way. Somehow, her advice about not constructing this as an experience that's in the past, over and done with, but as only the beginning of an important process really, really helped. My friend also commented on the years of intense tapas that the satgurus perform, not for their own sakes, but, really, for our benefit. The more I realize the truth of this, the more ungrateful I feel I've been. We've been so profoundly graced by Her presence in our lives... Here is one more poem by Rumi, to which I'm sure many of us can relate: "Oh Beloved, take me. Liberate my soul. Fill me with your love and release me from the two worlds. If I set my heart on anything but you let fire burn me from inside. Oh Beloved, take away what I want. Take away what I do. Take away what I need. Take away everything that takes me from you." Thank you to everyone who has responded, on- and off-list, and, again, to everyone who helped make this trip to see Her in Michigan even possible. That means so much to me. In Her love, Iswari Ammachi, Rick Archer <rick@s...> wrote: > My former guru used to use the analogy of being afraid to leave one's hut > upon inheriting the castle. Or wanting to return to it after taking a few > tentative steps toward the castle. The hut seems so safe and secure, even > though it's small; perhaps even because of its smallness. The castle is so > large, impersonal. But as Amma says, be spontaneous. Go with it. The castle > will turn out to be much better than the hut. > > > on 12/4/04 9:19 AM, nierika@a... at nierika@a... wrote: > > > > > Iswari wrote: > > > > I have never felt such fright in my life, especially when She arranged it so > > that I had to spend most of the night by myself. Simultaneously, I couldn't > > tear myself away from Her, and, yet, there was no "I" and no "Her." Nothing, > > and everything, just *was*. I realized how afraid I was to be alone, in pure > > consciousness, where there was no specific thing onto which my mind could > > grasp. I cried that night, before Her, for hours. I felt like I was dying. I > > felt my ego, my individual consciousness dissolving... > > > > ...I wrote Her a note, and gave it to Her, when my husband and I went up for > > darshan, basically saying, "I'm scared. How do I go on?" Dayamrita Swami had > > me stand behind Her...Finally, he turned to me, and said, "Amma says, 'Don't > > worry.' She says, 'Be spontaneous."...At first, I thought to myself, "What? > > That's it? That's *all* She has to say to me?!?!" I noticed a spot on the > > stage...and I sat there for awhile, and reflected. I realized that I was > > starting to feel an increasing, deepening sense of peace. > > > > She was telling me to trust Her, to trust my Self, to trust this process, to > > go with the > > flow...and, really, to be still, and let Her carry me, to the ocean of pure > > consciousness... > > > > Afterward, I wondered...what next? How do I integrate this experience? Is > > this just some peak event that will fade away and be forgotten? Or will I go > > deeper?... > > Floating along in Amma, > > > > > > Dear Iswari ~ thank you for sharing this very deep and intense experience. I > > can well imagine your fright. But you have given us a template to refer to > > because I don't think one lets go of the ego without a death of the ego, and > > that is like a death of the self we know, and that must be truly frightening. > > I > > don't think this will fade, but I will be interested to hear from you in the > > future on this. Blessings, Jai Ma ~ Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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